Housing a Young Coke Addict struggling with grief

Old 07-06-2012, 03:13 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Housing a Young Coke Addict struggling with grief

Hello everyone. I am here for advice. My husband and I are considering offering housing and assistance to the son of a very close friend who has a cocaine addiction. To shorten the story, this young man is 22 years old and a college student who lived at home and commuted. His father passed away last Fall of a natural illness and his son fell apart and started using cocaine and alcohol to numb his pain.

His mother is having a difficult time dealing with his addiction. She sent him to rehab in the spring and he completed 60 days and then left against advice. He came home and started attending NA meetings per the rehabs suggestion, and that didn’t last. He quit and started using again within weeks. He actually said that he got hooked up from someone he met at the NA meeting. His mother has since turned on that, and has been paying for him to go to therapy. It does not seem to be helping, as he is being a terror to his mother. Not to her personally, but staying out, coming home obviously high, drinking at home. Last weekend she bagged up all his possessions and put them on the porch while he was out. She said she had warned him and she was done. She is also grieving her husbands sudden loss and trying to figure out how she will now survive as he was the main breadwinner.
She actually called my husband when he came home and found his stuff outside. He was high, angry, swearing, pounding on the door, etc. My husband calmed him down, and brought him to our house.

I should mention that my husband has used cocaine in the past, but it has been several years. He is very stable now, and he really wants to try to help this boy. His father was one of his friends, a man that gave him some wonderful career opportunities. I think he wants to do it in part to honor his friends memory.

We have so far only offered him temporary housing in our basement, and he has been saying he is going to move into a friends house (who also lives with his parents). My husband says he needs some structure, and he has asked me to let him do this. I don’t have the heart to say no, but we don’t have children yet, and I don’t know what to expect with someone this age.

I have been reading here, and thought I would finally post and see if any of you have some insight.

Thank you in advance.
Deuce is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:28 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
crazybabie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Wow, I would be saying no if your husband is a RA he should know this boy has to help himself and from what your saying he is not. I am not quite sure what your husband thinks he can do to help him. I am the mother of 2 addicts and also the wife of one.

I suggest any and all valuables be locked up. I really don't know what more to add seems your husbands mind is made up. Read the sticky's at the top of the forum I hope your husband is very strong in his own recovery.
crazybabie is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:29 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I respect your kindness, but I wouldn't do it. If you do decide, set clear concise boundries with clear concise consequences. Follow thru with consequences, do not give an inch. . Good luck.
story74 is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:30 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
This is a tough one, so many factors. But the young man is not a child, he's a young adult. Sounds as though he could benefit from bereavement counseling (groups available in almost all areas), as well as needing to seek recovery for substance abuse.

As far as finding drugs (or a dealer) at an NA meeting--drugs can be found anywhere for those who wish to use. Whether its NA or one of the secular groups--that kind of support is crucial.

Is your husband a recovering addict? Are you ready/willing/able to turn your home into a sober living environment and all that entails? Written contracts, clear, firm, enforced boundaries, etc.

It's understandable that you want to help in this situation, but if you're naive or ill-informed, all of you could be in for disaster.

You've made a wise decision posting on this forum. Lots of experience and information here.
PrayingMama is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 05:52 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Just Keep Swimming
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
I admire you for wanting to help. Just know that there is nothing you can do to support this young man into wanting to get clean. He has to want recovery and seek it for himself. When he is ready he will do that with or without anyone's help.
GoldfishSyn is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 09:04 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I wouldn't do it for three reasons. 1. It won't work. 2. It is going to bring chaos into your life. And 3. It will only hurt him. Sounds counter-intuitive but "helping" only hurts them. Leave him in the street.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 09:25 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Well honey get ready for the roller coaster ride if you let him live with you. everyone wants to believe their addict or that situation is different but in reality addicts share many of the same characteristics.

Addicts who want help stay clean. Don't ever let an addict in your house that is using you are nothing but an enabler for the addict! Wake up, addicts steal and lie I don't care how good you think they are and they bring drugs in YOUR house! In some states you can also be charged with possession! Never ever let someone who is using in your home, there are half way houses and shelters he can stay at!!!!
lisasneeze is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 09:37 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
oooopps's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Deuce, I let my heroin addict ex lived with me and I was always stressed out when I had to leave my home with only him there. I also made sure to hide my digital camera, bring my laptop with me, ipod, check books... hide everything that could be pawned.

Also if he was in the bathroom for too long I would stress out too... especially when I find weird foil or brown stains around the sink.

DONT DO IT. Leave it to the professionals.
oooopps is offline  
Old 07-06-2012, 09:57 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: North Richland Hills, Texas
Posts: 36
I have done this twice with my daughters best friend after her parents threw her out. I had to send her packing both times, she promised no- bullshtuff and both times she found a way cause just that. The first time at 18 so she had a stable place to live while finishing HS, and again at 21-- after her 2nd DWI -- her roommate told her she could not live there anymore. She seemed so much more in control of herself than she The first time she promised to pay me 100 dollars a month, but it came down to me throwing her out.. The second time she promised me no shenanigans.. My AD was deep in the midst of her addiction and I told her I could not have any stupidity.. It started out the first week she was here.. She went on a binge coke and Alcohol(later found that out) came home vomiting for 48 hours went to the hospital.. then came home to my house to call a friend to bring her Xanax so she could calm down --- ended up at her parents out at 5 AM high as a kite... She promised no more..and really seemed remorseful.. But then a week later she was dragging my AD out to get more coke(found this out later too) at least 5 times she did this.. then on my AD's Best friends Birthday they went out to celebrate.. and my AD got really drunk and the Best friend shoved a baggie with a straw in it and told her to inhale.. because my AD was having more fun that her (it was "her" birthday) and told her it would sober her up.. When this all came out the Best Friend was sent packing once more. I get that my AD could have said no.. but she did not... now my AD is in rehab by choice and the Best Friend is in Court Ordered rehab...
Jennirey is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 06:23 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
SeekingGrowth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Deuce, I did exactly what you are contemplating doing. I "adopted" my son's friend after his mother died. He was 17 at the time. I knew he smoked weed (a lot), but had no idea that he was into other things as well. I loved him, but was shocked by his lack of respect for me and my property, his defiance, his willingness to just let me pay for everything for him while he blew his money on stupid things and drugs, his COMPLETE lack of appreciation for everything I was doing for him. Things got so bad after a year that I threw him out. He lived with a friend for a few months and alienated the friend's parents within that time. I let him come back to stay with me when those people had had enough, with all sorts of conditions. He accepted them all, then promptly broke all the rules. One of the big ones was no drug use in the house, but I was constantly finding evidence that this rule was being broken daily. When I would call him on it, he was indignant and incensed that I would invade his privacy, and he demanded that I stay out of "his" room.

Last Fall, I discovered that he was a heroin addict. I knew that he had been snorting Vicodin (I thought - I regularly found evidence in his room), and I knew that he liked pain pills, but I didn't realize he couldn't stop even if he wanted to and didn't know heroin was on the scene. Caught him trying to shoot up in my driveway in October. Muscled him into an outpatient rehab program, followed by an inpatient program when the first didn't work and after he was arrested for stealing to support his habit. Inpatient didn't work either, and I threw him out of my house again. Ultimately, he was killed because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time due to his drug use.

What a roller coaster ride, with such heartbreak throughout and especially at the end. Through it all, I learned what everyone on this board keeps saying - you can't "help" them if they don't want to be helped. Giving him a soft place to land just gives him the opportunity to continue his use. His mom threw him out for a reason - what makes you think it will be any better with you? Because you are essentially a stranger, because you are being so kind in offering your home to him? So therefore you expect that he will show you and your home respect and appreciation? Don't bet on it. If he is an addict, he will just use what you are offering, not appreciate it and will not show you respect. You will be amazed at the lack of respect; I certainly was. If he's working on recovery, that's a different story, but if he is in active addiction, he will behave like an addict. It doesn't matter who you are or what you are offering.
SeekingGrowth is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 08:00 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
The sun still shines
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
A couple I know took in an addict and he committed suicide in their house after yet another relapse. I understand your compassion but just understand it will not be an easy road if you go this way. It could have a negative effect on your marriage too.
Sunshine2 is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 08:04 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Also, I wanted to ask, how do you know that this young person is struggling with grief? Are you making an assumption here just because that is what any "normal" person would do? Beware of tricks you play in your own mind. This is not a "normal" kid you are dealing with here; this is an addict and there is a whole 'nother rule book on this.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 08:23 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
it sounds to me like his real mother has worked REALLY hard to get to the point where she has the strength and courage to put his bags on the doorstep...and now friends of her deceased husband are going to step up and enable...and create another soft landing for addiction.

saying he got the drugs from NA is neither here nor there...sounds like a typical manipulative lie. re: "look I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and then the drugs showed up at a place you told me to go for recovery"

BS!!! this is a way to deflect blame AND make a codie doubt the recovery power of NA at the same time...look what happened, he got off the hook, people sympathize and turn against NA...how convenient for the addict.

he needs a bottom

your husband can certainly offer E, S & H if the lad wants it, they can meet for coffee and have a nice chat
right now all he wants is a crash pad, a new enabler...how frustrating for his mom!!! I hope she has some sort of recovery community!
lesliej is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 08:30 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Deuce...

What you and your husband did shows you have a big heart. But I believe you bit off more than you can chew by taking this young man in. He made a poor choice by leaving rehab against doctor's advice, and the reason he's not improving with therapy is because he's not invested in his recovery. You get what you put into it.

The safest thing for you and your husband is the young man goes to live somewhere else. You can't help him. He can only help himself.

Crazybabie made a very good observation about locking up all your valuables. If he's still in active addiction, expect the worst and prepare for it.

What you and your husband did speaks highly of both of you. But remember: those in active addiction do not appreciate such generosity.

God Bless.

ZoSo
zoso77 is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 09:57 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
SeekingGrowth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Adding to what Craziebabie and Zoso said - I learned less than a week before his death that the young man I took into my home had stolen over $600 worth of my jewelry and pawned it during the last few months he lived with me - piece by piece.

Earlier, I had gathered my most valuable jewelry, put it in a freezer bag and hid it in my son's room, but I wasn't really diligent about keeping it there or keeping all jewelry in it as time went on because I didn't really believe he would steal from me. I mean, my God, I was providing him food, shelter, clothes, paying for car repair, medical insurance, took him on vacations with my family, and a whole host of other things ... and I wasn't even a relative. I couldn't imagine that he would sink so low that he would actually STEAL from me, biting the hand that's feeding him. Well, he did - multiple times and over the course of months.
SeekingGrowth is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 01:35 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by PrayingMama View Post
This is a tough one, so many factors. But the young man is not a child, he's a young adult. Sounds as though he could benefit from bereavement counseling (groups available in almost all areas), as well as needing to seek recovery for substance abuse.

As far as finding drugs (or a dealer) at an NA meeting--drugs can be found anywhere for those who wish to use. Whether its NA or one of the secular groups--that kind of support is crucial.

Is your husband a recovering addict? Are you ready/willing/able to turn your home into a sober living environment and all that entails? Written contracts, clear, firm, enforced boundaries, etc.

It's understandable that you want to help in this situation, but if you're naive or ill-informed, all of you could be in for disaster.

You've made a wise decision posting on this forum. Lots of experience and information here.
The therapy that he is in is supposed to handle both the grief counselng and the drug and alcohol use.

My husband has had experience using cocaine, and he also stop using on his own several years ago. He used recreationally, so I dont consider him an addict. I think it does give him an upper hand on helping this young man.

Maybe we are already in over our head, because there are no plans to have signed contracts. Although when my husband brought him in last weekend, he told him to basically keep the basement clean, no drugs in the house, he didnt want to see him drunk, and he had to be respectful of me or he would be out.

He has went to counseling twice this week, and Im sure of it because his mom called the Dr to check up on him.
Deuce is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 01:40 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
. Leave him in the street.
We dont want to do that. His mom has said now that he can come home because she doesnt want him on the street; or she has offered to pay us rent to have him stay with us and see if it makes a difference. We dont want any money from her of course, just trying to help.
Deuce is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 01:45 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by oooopps View Post
Deuce, I let my heroin addict ex lived with me and I was always stressed out when I had to leave my home with only him there. I also made sure to hide my digital camera, bring my laptop with me, ipod, check books... hide everything that could be pawned.
My husband already had me remove any jewelry & sentimental items of value, and we also have a large safe and I did think to start locking up the electronics that arent being used . But right now he has some money, he got a big inheritance from his dads life insurance, so I dont think he will start stealing too soon.
Deuce is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 01:46 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Also, I wanted to ask, how do you know that this young person is struggling with grief? Are you making an assumption here just because that is what any "normal" person would do? Beware of tricks you play in your own mind. This is not a "normal" kid you are dealing with here; this is an addict and there is a whole 'nother rule book on this.
His behavior didnt turn this way until his father died. And he has expressed extreme grief to both his mother, and to my husband. I saw him at the funeral and he wa so torn up it was pitiful to watch. So no the grief is real Im certain of it.
Deuce is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 02:07 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Thank you to everyone that has been in a similiar situation and for sharing how it went. Not a lot of good outcomes; my heart goes out to all of you.

I worry mostly that the situation will get out of control and then my husband will feel like he failed.

My husband doesnt have it in mind to set a lot of strict rules because he said it would be pointless. He is trying to set only a couple that will hopefully be followed.

Much information here, and I plan to go back and read your old post SeekingGrowth. Such a tragedy or you; Im so sorry.
Deuce is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:08 PM.