peaceinthepines

Hi, this is my first day posting here although I've been reading here on and off (a lot more "on" lately) since December when I found out my 23 yr old son was addicted to heroin.
He's been living with/near his dad in another state since he turned 18. My ex husband called me in Dec to tell me he had found heroin in his room. I knew he has had problems with substances for a long time (that is why I originally sent him out to his dad's house) but I NEVER saw heroin coming!
He's also been involved in a VERY toxic relationship with a girl and his addiction to her and their very unhealthy relationship has been as powerful and just about as destructive as his heroin addiction. Everyone clearly sees it except for him.
Well, to make a very long story a bit shorter, his father finally kicked him and his girlfriend out of his house after jewelry and other valuables ended up being stolen.
They lived in her car for about a week and then she ended up in jail (on other charges) and he decided he was coming back here, where we live. He has a friend here that said he could live with him and he'd take care of him until he got a job, etc.
Although I know geographical changes don't necessarily work, we were SO

desperate to get him away from HER that my ex and I split a bus ticket and he took a two day bus ride back home. He told us he knew he had to leave where he was, because all that he knew there was drugs and addicts and he couldn't get clean there.
So, he's been here about 3 weeks. He's been off H for 16 days, he says. He has been to one meeting w/ a different friend out here, and he didn't like it. Refuses inpatient, and doesn't want to start a program here because now he's convinced he NEEDS to go back to where he was living. His dad won't let him move back in, but he has one friend who is supposedly clean for several months who lives w/ his mom and supposdly they say he can live there with them. He says it's easier to get around w/ public transportation there (he has no car), and there are more places for him to find work.
Why didn't he just move in with that friend and get clean in the first place?? Because he was still using and he couldn't move in there using, but now that he's straight, he has plans to move back there and find a job, hang out with this friend, and find "some kind of meetings or support" for his sobriety~no he hasn't looked into any so far!
Today he called me saying he is severely depressed and needs medication. He says he'll go see a DR for depression, but he can't wait til anti-depressants kick in, he needs some Xanax or something NOW until his depression is under control. Wants ME to call and find him a Dr.!!

I've been reading so much on these boards and LEARNING so much!! (Thank you!) :ghug3
I don't even know exactly what I'm looking for, because I can see by my son's actions that he isn't where he needs to be to beat this truly EVIL stuff! I know I can't fix him, and I know I have no control over this.
I guess I am just finally ready to reach out and become a participating member of this group after all these months of lurking. As I've said, I have already been helped so much by you guys and I've come such a long way in my thinking. I guess I just want to make sure there's nothing I can do. Some days I am stronger in my resolve that this is his problem and I can't do a thing about it, and then I just get these moments of mom thinking,you know, "but he is STILL my child, don't I need to do SOMETHING?" I know, I know....what?

Poppy_Petal

If he is so depressed he can't function without something until ad kick in he can go to psych hospital for an acute stay 3-5 days and they'll get him on meds. You can offer to help him do that but not assist him with tickets or anything else.

Freedom1990

My best thinking kept me high/drunk for many years. My way did not work.

I am so glad you decided to post here at SR, and you will find lots of caring and support.

I am also the mother of an addicted daughter (who is still doing things her way too).

I have found Alanon and SR very helpful. The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read too! Give it a try.

Sending you hugs of support.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Peace, welcome to SR! This is a safe and supportive group who will share their experience support and help. I have a 22 year old AS. What I can share is that I no longer can believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth. Only actions. Right now he is not welcome in our lives as he has chosen to steal, steal and steal from us. One thing I have learned is when he got out of rehab and into SLE< I still was trying to "help" him. All it did was give some leverage to him to find his drugs. This addiction stuff is horrible on us Moms and Dads. Please keep reading and try a new approach with your son. Let him do what he needs to do for himself.
We are here for you any time
TT

cangel2

Welcome....I love your user name!

I have found that my 22 yr old AS is very resourceful about being able to manage things himself. Every time I doubt that I remember that he was certainly able to support an expensive drug habit without my direct help for a long time (and hide it from me too).

Now that he is in recovery I bite my tongue and sit on my hands a lot when it comes to offering advice and helping. My rule is to wait for him to ask and then Stop and think before acting. What I find is he very very rarely asks for anything - I think in the past I was so busy "helping" with everything that I didn't realize he didn't need any help. Once in awhile he will ask for something - or hint at something - or just mention he is working on obtaining something. I find myself telling him that I trust he will figure out a way! And....he does. I will slide him some potential resources if I know of any off the top of my head - but I don't go into hyper research mode like I use to....he can do that!

Ok - got a little off track there but my point is that your son probably has some available resources but he is looking for a way to get help without having to be responsible for the reason; so he is asking you to do it for him. Give him a list of places to call ..... let him take the action is my take on this.

Hugs to you....difficult stuff this isn't it?

GoldfishSyn

Welcome to SR!

peaceinthepines

Poppy Petal~
I will offer him this option, thanks for the idea. (of course he'll hate it, but I think it's a good idea!!)

Cangel2, ilovemyson, and Freedom~
Thank you for your words of widsom and kindness. What an awful thing that has lead us to all being members of this group, but I'm so thankful we have this resource to help each other through this madness!:ghug3

washbe2

Welcome! Sorry you need to be here, but glad you found this place. As you have seen, there are many moms here who struggle with our grown children as addicts. It's not a fun position to be in, but many here have found life outside their A's. I'm still working on it. Glad you found SR and are joining our journey.

outtolunch

I know that feeling that I must do something. I was convinced that if I kept putting all my time, money and energy towards fixing my daughter, sooner or later, something was going to take hold and snap her out of it.

It took time for me to grasp that every time I tried to control my daughter, her situation, I was doing so in a feeble attempt to validate myself as a loving and caring mama.

Please give him the dignity of living his life as he sees fit to do, consequences and all.

peaceinthepines

Wow. This is deep, it really spoke to me.
Thank you!!!

Kindeyes

Wham......ooooh.....ouch.......that one hit just a wee bit close to home for me!

peaceinthepines
Welcome out of the shadows......I'm glad you joined us!

I also have an addicted son. Although his disease is heartbreaking, I am grateful that it has brought me to a place where I could truly learn about myself and my own motives. It has been quite a learning experience.

Welcome.....

gentle hugs
ke

SeekingGrowth

Welcome to SR. So sorry to hear what you're going through. Just a quick comment on your post. You said:

"So, he's been here about 3 weeks. He's been off H for 16 days, he says. He has been to one meeting w/ a different friend out here, and he didn't like it. Refuses inpatient, and doesn't want to start a program..."

REALLY??? You know, the cold turkey withdrawal from heroin is BRUTAL. Very tough physical effects over a week or so, then on-going insomnia, depression, anxiety for quite some time. You don't mention anything about that in your post. If your son had been enduring this over the past couple of weeks, wouldn't he have said something to you? Did he? Really, really hard to kick a heroin addiction without help. Wondering if your son's really clean, especially given his sudden burning need to get back to where he was living before......

PrayingMama

My situation is so similar it's a little strange. My 21-year-old son is addicted to heroin. Lives in another state with his dad. My ex called me last year to tell me he found heroin in the house. Son also had super-toxic girlfriend (a couple of years before--so bad we used to refer to her as the anti-Christ--I know, I know, Jesus is drinking gin out of the cat dish right about now, as Anne Lamott would say--I may be a praying mama but I ain't no saint.) Father finally threw son out, after short time on streets son asked for help, went to detox, is now enrolled in outpatient program, goes to meetings--he likes them a lot, some more than others, he has many to choose from where he lives.

My son also has said that getting clean is easy, staying clean is the hard part, and he has doubts about his ability to do that in his father's house, in that town, etc. He knows the drill--people, places, things. So he has to work out his own path as far as that goes. If he chooses to move closer to me and my husband and his brothers, he'll have to find other living arrangements, like an SLE (plenty in our area).

My son also was under the care of a psychiatrist for a couple of years, was prescribed anti-depressants (which he did not take), Xanax (which he abused or sold or traded, as needed).

I agree with Poppy who suggested a psyche hospital if he says he's severely depressed. And with cangel2 about their resourcefulness. And everyone else, especially about those meetings for you.

Sorry you're here, but glad you decided to post and ask and share. Great place, great people. Welcome.

peaceinthepines

Seeking Growth~
I know about the brutal withdrawal from heroin. When I first found out about his situation in Dec, I was on a plane that same day because I had to see for myself what the hell was going on down there! (I hadn't seen him for about 18 months) I stayed with him and his girlfriend for a week and watched him go through withdrawal. He used a small amount of Suboxone bought off the street, but it was still very rough. This time around I saw him about 2 1/2 days into detox. He was miserable, and he's still barely sleeping, he's feeling better, but still rough at day 16.
As Ilovemyson said, I have learned not to believe a word out of his mouth. I'm fairly certain he's not using H, but wouldn't bet he's completely clean.

Prayingmama~
You had me laughing with the anit-Christ girlfriend stuff!! That is a great nickname for my son's girlfriend, too! It is strange how similar our stories are! I hope your son is doing well and continues on a healthy path.

Thanks to all of you for your kindness and understanding!

pinkdog

:ghug3

crazybabie

Welcome to SR, I am sorry for the reason your here.


Wants ME to call and find him a Dr.!!

Our job is to BE things for the A we love not DO things.

I think it was Kindeyes, who made an excellent post on this I will see if I can find it.

crazybabie

I could not find what I was looking for but I always find this helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...0-helping.html

peaceinthepines

Thanks, Angie!
I appreciate you posting that.

DavinsGrammy

I just posted for the first time here today as well, after lurking a while. I certainly can't offer you any advice but I can relate. Coming to terms with the concept of not being able to "fix" our kids' problems is a huge first step. I just took that giant leap of faith myself.
"Let go and let God" is my mantra for today. Peace.

zoso77

Welcome to the board. I'm really happy that you finally took the step and posted.

When I read your post, the following section really stood out:

And there's the hook. The hook that's attempting to get you to do something that he needs to do for himself.

I know a little bit about mental health hospitalizations when there's substance abuse involved. From what I've seen, when a patient is admitted, the patient has a "team" of a psychiatrist (or pdoc) and a social worker. The pdoc sets the patient up with medicine to control both the withdrawal symptoms (usually something like Ativan to reduce the anxiety) and anti-depressants/mood stabilizers, etc. The social worker sets up the aftercare with a pdoc on the outside for meds, and a therapist. It's designed to give the patient the best possible chance at recovery. Of course, the patient has to want to recover. He's encouraged to attend 90 meetings in 90 days and all that stuff.

Going in-patient is no joke, and it probably scares the daylights out of your son. Being locked up is a scary thing. But he's the only one that can make that decision. And you know this because you've been lurking here for a while. You can't make him find recovery. Nor can your ex-husband. The safest assumption you can make regarding your son is if his lips are moving, he's lying.

So, the question is what are you going to do for you. Coming here's a start. Finding a local Nar Anon and/or Al Anon meeting is a good idea and that way you can find support in person. Pray, pray and pray some more. But mostly, you have to accept that he's beyond your care right now. That isn't easy. He's your son, you love him, and you want to help him. But you can't. He's the only one that can reach for the light.

Please, be safe, and I hope that you post again soon to let us know how you and your son are doing.

Best,
ZoSo