soberbrooke

I am an ACOA. My father died from alcoholism in 1985. My mother divorced him when I was 2 and remarried another alcoholic. He was my father until the 3rd grade. She divorced him and remarried a workaholic all in the same 3rd grade year.

I am now 6 months into sobriety and I have not faced or dealt with any issues concerning my ACOA upbringings. I am 42, have been in a relationship with other alcoholics and addicts my whole life. I just left an addict 1 month ago, he is the father of my two children. I am on my own now, going to meetings almost everyday and getting my brain re-wired.

Do I just focus on my sobriety or can I focus on both right now? I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again, I am just confused about which direction to take.

Chris1000101

First, let me say good job for having 6 months. I work more than one program myself and it was suggested to me to have a year before I started another. Should you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with past thoughts that are not specific to your current program there is nothing wrong with seeking outside help, counseling or the ACoA program itself.

You also shared you ended a relationship one month ago . . . If I may make another suggestion. It is also suggested to avoid relationships for at least the first year. I had two years before I met a woman that I would marry after having four years in the fellowship.

The foundation is the most important part. If one cannot stay clean and sober then nothing else matters, it will all fall apart.

dollydo

Keep moving forward for you, your soberity. Your exs addiction is up to him to resolve. You have children, someone has to be a sober responsible parent, I choose you.

Your children will carry their childhood into adulthood, they have already inherited the
gene that predisposes them to addiction and/or to marry an addict...that is enough...right?

soberbrooke

I am unfortunaltly right now a "man hater". I know that all men are not the same, however, to me most are right now. Most are liars, addicts, cheats and thief's. But I did not know that I was bringing them to me!! So - I will NOT get into another relationship, at least for 2 years, maybe longer.
All I want to do is focus on myself and my boys.

I want to get rid of the baggage that keeps me attracting these relationships in the first place. I am going to do it with my Higher Power this time, and I just want it to more clear to me. I want my timing to unfold for me. I can not afford another addicted human into my life. Now that I finally got the AA program, I feel that I am moving in the right direction. I just wish I would have gotten it sooner...........

Chris1000101

It is understandable. I was married for 15 years and when the ex chose not to work on herself or the relationship but instead chose to have an affair, I had flashbacks of other women in my life. Between my FOO and foster homes, I had no significant women in my life that worth anything except one and I chose for a few years to take it out on all women. A little at a time it does pass and I was able to see more of my part. By learning more of my part I was learning more of myself. In doing so I have been able to: Be more understanding of others. - Better identify acceptable behavior. - Reinforce existing boundaries and make new boundaries. It does come but I had a hard time remembering that it is HPs time and not mine.


I agree focusing on you and taking care of your children is the best thing you can do. I do though caution against setting time limits. It is okay to plan but don’t plan the plans.


Confidence is good to hear. Keep close to a good sponsor and HP. If you have not seen it yet you will, compliancy and resentments are the first things to send an alcoholic back out. When you catch that pink cloud that gives you peace and serenity don’t be afraid to double dip in it, enjoy it every moment you can!