seek

I read somewhere recently that alcoholism is "not a disease of the elbow."

When people WANT to get sober, they do. If they don't WANT to, they don't. Choice is involved.

The people who are around the alcoholics go through all kinds of hell . . .really unpleasant circumstances . . .putting themselves in danger in terms of their health and well-being and making their own lives miserable . . .

All because of a "substance" in a bottle . . .

As a non-alcoholic, I imagine myself wreaking havoc with my relatives, disappointing them, doing really stupid and careless things, and I think if that was me, I would be too self-conscious to continue . . .I would not want people saying I was a big loser or if I was in trouble with the law or lost a job, I would be MORTIFIED . . . If I had to go to jail because of my actions, I could not forgive myself . . . but the alcoholics I know do some pretty devastating things, and seem to think nothing about it . . . you can have a room full of people sobbing and crying, intervention style, and it seems to hardly have an impact.

As someone who has lived through these antics with family members, it has destroyed my trust in people. I have been lied to more times than I will ever know. I believed lies because I was a trusting person who had no idea some people could be so deceptive or diabolical.

My family has been DESTROYED by alcoholism . . .trauma after trauma . . .and still, it goes on, and on, and on . . .

The trust thing is the big thing for me at the moment. If you can't trust the people you love, who can you trust?

I personally think too much emphasis is put on the alcohol and not enough on the person drinking the alcohol, in terms of responsibility,

I have NEVER received a phone call or a letter from an alcoholic apologizing for wrongs committed during a drunk - yet a lot of the alcoholics I know are "in the program" - working the steps . . . .

Just venting . . .

lillamy

Unfortunately, love don't mean a thing.
You can trust the people who prove to be trustworthy.
It's my experience that it's trial and error.
Which means it's risky to trust.
Except it's even riskier to not trust. Because if you don't trust anybody, you end up not living.

That's my little philosophizing for the evening.

Chris1000101

I believe it is for all of us at some point. I know myself having the pleasure of foster homes due to alcohol in my bio-home I will always have trust issues.

For some alcoholics at step 9, writing a letter or talking just will not do. Instead, they are doing a living amends by staying sober and changing their ways. If someone is truly working a program, usually after a year, two at most, of being clean and sober a change will be noticeable.

Katiekate

For me, being in a relationship with an A, and coming from a violent home, due to alcoholism, the trust issue has become one of me trusting myself.

I made bad decisions, I am leary of making more of them.

I have developed a few new relationships with women friends over this last year, I definitely took the time I needed to make sure I was putting my trust in a safe place.

I'm so sorry you have been so mistreated, it's heart breaking.

So glad you posted about this, I am still trying to work it all out.

love to you Katie

Mo S

I try to only trust trustworthy people now.....unfortunatly...that doesnt include my family of origin. Alcoholism is truly a family disease.

Tuffgirl

I agree that often there are issues with the addicts BEFORE they slide off the deep end into full blown out of control addictions.

But I refuse to let these people stop me from living a full life, which means I need to have courage to continue to take chances. I posted this back in May, and I have it close by to remind myself daily of who I want to be:

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered: Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway. What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight: Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous: Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten: Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it may never be enough: Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God: It was never between you and them anyway."

- Mother Teresa

NYCDoglvr

Not a good idea to invest emotions and trust in an active alcoholic. In fact it's a good idea to invest in therapy so you don't keep bringing them into your life and recreating the same misery over and over.

Taking5

As an alcoholic in AA, I was taught that a "living amends" is a cop out. We are to make direct amends. The only living amends I made were to people who are no longer alive, hence the direct amends are not possible. This was basically my parents, and I vowed to live like the man they raised instead of the drunk I became.

While we are on the subject of amends, an apology does not equal an amends. An amends almost always contains an apology, but an apology is rarely sufficient. Did you steal money? Pay it back. Did you bad-mouth someone? Apologize not only to them, but fess up to your actions in public, in front of everyone that heard the bad-mouthing (or as many as possible).

Also as alcoholics/addicts, we have to realize there are some things we can NEVER atone for. When you miss an important event in the family - a wedding, graduation, school event, etc. - you cannot turn back the clock. That time is gone forever, and we cannot make up for that. In these cases, an apology is the best we can do.

fourmaggie

funny, i have an UNCLE who is 13 years sober and in AA, i have very real images growing up and him owing me $ for working on his farm....

making amends?....i say he is not working an HONEST program but on the other hand...does he REALLY REMEMBER what he had/has done...
yes the past is the past...i have gotten over that...but i dont trust him now....

LaTeeDa

I think one of the most important and profound things my therapist ever said to me is this:

"It's not about trusting them, it's about trusting yourself."

And, I admit it took me a while to figure out what the heck she meant by that, but once I did, it was life-changing.

L

Chris1000101

Some use it that way, I agree.


Lets not forget the second half of the step, except when to do so would injure them or others. Those who cheated on their spouse do not always want to share that if they know their spouse does not know. In addition, I am an other, when I made amends for shoplifting I was told to make the amends but was cautioned to wait for the statute of limitations to pass.



The only amends I could make to those who have passed is a living amends and writing a letter and burning it.

Living amends is something I chose to do for those that have passed on and those that are still here. An apology by itself is not enough, I chose to live my life differently. For some of my amends I had to become willing to make amends, as the end of step eight says.

This is something I rarely share because it is between HP and me. My last 3 1/2 years have been hell but HP is helping me to see the end of step 3 - “What happens to me and my life is none of my business.” My full time position was eliminated and it has been odd jobs ever since. My wife was sleeping around so I am now divorced. As one door closes another opens, the bank and I could not work things out so they got the house back. I moved to the east coast and crashed with a friend to see if I could get a job over there, it did not work out. Two months after the tornado, I moved to Joplin. There is no way I could make amends to all the communities I vandalized so I was led over here to volunteer. I volunteered full time for three months, it was not an amends to the communities I lived in but it was the best I could do to be a productive citizen and give back. I am living my amends with everyone I meet and all that I do. Some days are better than others and I have my moments when I can be an a$$, but I find it important to keep seeking for and doing the next right thing.