SamanthaIam

My AH has been friends with this couple for decades. He uses them as his sounding board to complain about me, only telling his side of the story, so I kind of feel like they have a low opinion of me; I usually feel uncomfortable and self-conscious around them.

We do see them pretty often just because AH is good friends with them. I am pleasant, funny, interested in them, complimentary of their house, dogs, etc etc. when we get together, and I really do try not to give them a reason to dislike me, but I still feel uncomfortable.

I'm back to sobriety now, and have been around them many times before when I'm not drinking, but they are. But it's really not fun.

This other guy drinks like an absolute lunatic, and is very very very pushy about everyone else drinking as well. His wife drinks less but smokes pot. Before we see them, my husband always says he will "watch it" and not get wasted, but of course, before long he is blotto, and he'll keep drinking and drinking. He'll make a big joke about how he has a designated driver (me). Many times, they keep it up even to the bitter end when the host (the other guy) will fill a red Solo cup with ice and scotch and put it in my husband's hand as we're getting in the car to go home.

Now they want us to come for a whole weekend at their cabin in the mountains.

I would rather not go, but that's just another reason for them to dislike me... and for my H to complain about me.

I truly do not enjoy being around a bunch of impaired people when I'm sober.

This place is remote, so once you get there, you're kind of stuck.

I'm having trouble mustering the enthusiasm I'll have to show -- they remodeled the place and I haven't seen it since, so even though I'm sure it's lovely, I know I'll be feeling like I'd rather not be there, so I may not be very convincing in admiring it.

The sh** storm that will ensue if I don't go will be more painful than just sucking it up and going -- H will be punitive and hostile, the other drunks will think I'm a b*tch.

I'm already pissed at my H for telling them we would come, without consulting me or considering how I feel.

I told H the reasons why this is difficult for me, and he is already pissed at me. "Why can't you just be happy?" and "Why does everything have to be so complicated?" he said.

I feel like I have to go, just to avoid the bigger hassles later. It helps a great deal to just be able to write this here. Maybe just knowing I told someone this story, I'll be able to just stay centered and not even worry too much about them. Maybe I can just mostly observe and let whatever happens, happen.

thanks for listening.

SamanthaIam

Oh, also -- now that AH is already ticked off at me, he'll be a sniper the next few days with snarky remarks and offhanded ways of casting me as the wet blanket, or the crazy insecure nut, or The Problem in general.

Zoenob

Besides being around a bunch of drunks, I absolutely despise being obligated to hang out with friends of a significant other. Mine used to get so pissed that I didn't want to hang with his buddies SO. Even if the other woman is nice, It didn't even occur to my ex that I have MY OWN friends that I would rather spend MY TIME with. Why on earth would I want to sit around and watch them get sloppy drunk and have to be so hospitable. I'm constantly "on" at work and when I'm not working I don't want have put on a smile and be all "customer service". I would also get the "so and so's wife doesn't think you like her because you never hang out with us". Omg...really?



I feel your pain. So you have 2 choices. #1. Go and be miserable and he will be happy or #2. Don't go and he will make you miserable and he will be miserable. Sounds like you are being held hostage.

I say choice #3. You could stay home, not worry about what they think and have a great weekend all by yourself. If you get lonely you can always hang out with us on SR.

lillamy

Well, that sounds like a totally miserable weekend.
I'd stay home.

marie1960

I agree this is a hostage situation.

Damned if you do damned if you don't.

Personally, I would decline the invite.

Is there an option of you and AH doing something else ? Something you both can mutually agree on?

Wishing you a peaceful weekend. Good Luck.

neferkamichael

Don't go, there's no need for you to suffer.

headstrong

"Normal" people don't care if the people they are socializing are drinking or not. They don't even notice. Alcoholics are self conscious about their drinking and try to force it upon other people.

It sounds like you have no choice but to go in order to keep the peace. Can you set some boundaries/ground rules before you go? Tell your AH that you will not tolerate being made fun of, pressured to drink, or him drinking irresponsibly. If not, you will be leaving the very next morning, with or without him. Then stick to those boundaries. Being your husband, he should be able to stick up for you and not let the other guy pressure you. He should be able to respect your wishes and protect you.

You are not being complicated. It is pretty simple and I don't think you are asking too much. You are there to enjoy yourself just as much as he is.

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry you are so afraid of your alcoholic husband's anger and so sorry you cannot be authentically who you are with him.

This is the pain and misery of the alcoholic marriage.

Both situations invite conflict in your marriage.

If you have to choose which, maybe you should choose the conflict in which you are operating from a place of personal choice and values.

At least if you have to pay a price, living in integrity will have been worth it.

Katiekate

I have a rule in life, when I am damned if I do, or damned if I don't, I usually don't.

Mo S

It was a long road for me to learn how to put my needs first and not placate/people please other people. Those behaviors never helped me or anyone and "keeping the peace" was really just hiding the issues under the rug. It sounds like youve made the decision to go...its the consequences of our decisions we have to take responsibility for. I had to stop playing the victim....Just my opinion.
I wish you the best.

Fandy

I think that this is a ticking bomb situation.

Please reconsider. Tell your huband WHY and YOU deserve a peaceful weekend. there are so many other things in life besides trying to please others who really don't give a crap anyway.

that sounds like a horror show being stuck with them.

and not a good thing for your personal well being either.

Adventure

Personally I would avoid like the plague. You have nothing to benefit from going, other than avoiding a little bit of grief afterwards. But if you're going to get grief while you're there, and possibly after you get back anyway, why bother. Do you care what these people actually think of you?

This is genius, absolutely genius, but also gave me a giggle - thanks Fandy!

jessiec

Oh, honey do I know that kind of situation well! With me and XABF, it would be time with his alcoholic/enabling family. So many weekends I was filled with dread, knowing he'd get drunk, knowing he'd want to be the last to leave, knowing I'd feel really out of place/annoyed/trapped/upset!

But no more. I broke up with him last week, and while it hurts like hell, I must say its probably a very small price to pay for sweet freedom! Never again will I spend a night/weekend with that anxiety/misery. Never again will I have to plead with someone to behave or deal with their alcohol-fueled tantrums.

Claim yourself and your life back this weekend. Let him do his thing, have a wonderful weekend of peace.

Looking4ward

I agree with all the posters here. If you go, you not only have to put up with the negativity of the situation while you're there, you also have to cart the drunk AH home when you're done.

I'd go to a movie instead... at least that way you won't have to deal with the discomfort of having to be around all that addiction. If he gets angry about that, who's to say you woulda avoided it by going.

Thelma

I've been where you are and am sure I will be there again.
After weighing my options I personally decided that a weekend to myself without all the conflict is worth the sh** storm that will follow. I used the time alone to recharge MY batteries.
I don't care what they think of me or what they say about me. Until they have walked a mile in MY shoes with THAT man they can never understand my reasons for not wanting to be around him. Be good to yourself.

mm222

I wouldn't go. No way.

Learn2Live

Do. Not. Go. Do not do ANYTHING you do not WANT to do. What someone else thinks about you is none of your business. People who use YOUR decisions to take care of yourself as a reason to dislike you, are SICK PEOPLE. Alcoholics, whether you are related to them or not, who complain about you are SICK PEOPLE. You KNOW they are sick people, that is why you don't want to be with them.

SICK PEOPLE WILL MAKE YOU SICK. (I'm not yelling, just emphasizing)

Let him go by himself and you do something YOU want to do. Whether that is just sitting home and reading books all weekend, or cleaning some part of the house you want to clean, or going out with your sober GFs, or WHATEVER. Take the time to enjoy the peace and quiet and TAKE CARE OF YOU.

wow04

I wouldn't go. It doesn't matter what those people think about you. Let your H tell them all kinds of stuff about you. What does it matter? You know the truth.

Stay home and have a peaceful weekend. When the storm hits, walk away.

SamanthaIam

Wow, thank you so much for all the support. I knew you guys would understand! You are awesome. Makes me feel so much better just knowing that you get it and feel for me.

I am going to re-read everything you said here. Very helpful.

Thank you... I will report back.

MsPINKAcres

"what other people think of me is none of my business"

You have choices ~ you have options ~ you have the ability to choose a totally different plan ~

why not think about what YOU want to do and make that choice ~

I know it's not easy but sometimes we can take a step back and do what is healthy for ourselves ~

wishing you the best in whatever you decide to do ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita