witharealwinner

No, I am not thinking of taking him back, it's been so wonderful and peaceful and quiet here without him. I do not miss him in the least. I really don't. It's so nice to not have to be picked at almost constantly.

What I am having a hard time with is how agreeable, and almost nice he is being about things.

I have a pfa against him. He seemed almost afraid of me when he came to get the babies or scared to do/say the wrong thing...he was with his brother and he was sober. He was fine when I picked my babies up from his first visit. Again, he came with his brother and was sober. The visit seemed to go well, the babies were fine, a little hungry, but in all, were well, thank goodness.

Earlier this week, I had to ask my attorney to get in touch with him about switching his visitation weekend from later this month to this coming weekend, b/c my kids, myself and my brothers are going to Myrtle Beach to visit my dad for a week and one of his visits would fall on our last day there. I wanted to switch so that my kids could spend time with my dad and enjoy their full, entire week of vacation. They've never been to the ocean.

xabf was actually fine with this. He had no problem switching the week.

Why wasn't he like this when I was with him? It makes me feel uneasy, b/c I am wondering how he'll react when we have our mediation at the end of the month when I bring up his drinking and what he may need to go through, hopefully drug/alcohol evaluations, and whatever else the mediator believes is needed due to his drinking. I don't know if I'm making sense. I must protect my babies, but there's this part of me that kind of feels bad about how things might go for him during the custody part of this, especially when he's being "nice."

What is wrong with me? Why is he being nice, and going along with things? I am worried and scared of how he may react during mediation if he starts thinking I'm trying to keep the babies from him, which I'm not and always told him I never would but that I want them safe.

I feel like it's almost the calm before the storm. Like I'm getting the vibe that he's thinking that if he goes with things now, I'll agree to what he wants in mediation. He agreed to stay away from me during the pfa hearing, he agreed to switch his weekend, and he's agreed a few other little random things.

Maybe he's not doing that, maybe he wants to work together for the sake of the babies. I can't see it, though, because he was so controlling and horrible and nasty and vile when we were together, and now, I don't see any of that. I don't understand. Should I be worried about something? Why can't I just be happy that things seem to be going well so far and not be wondering if he has some other motive? I guess I can understand being nice b/c of the pfa, but he doesn't have to agree to things I'm asking him to do for the sake of the kiddos. He didn't have to agree to the pfa and to just stay away from me, either.

Am I making any sense? LOL Has anyone else' ex acted this way? It's like he's a different person.

mmk11

After my husband left me, he insisted on coming by every week or so to mow the lawn. I believe them acting nicely is 1)so that we still like them (despite the sh!t they put is through); and 2) to relieve their guilty feelings for all the sh!t they put us through. My counselor put it best : "alcoholics want to be seen as the good guy and want to be liked under any circumstances, no matter how ridiculous."

feelingalone43

My AH is also suddenly being agreeable. He agreed that he has an anger issue. He agreed to go to the doctor and do whatever he recommends. The doctor said we should try marriage counseling, which AH agreed to. Even when we argue during the sessions, and argue even worse on the way home, he then turns into the "nice guy". This is (in my opinion) because he wants to be able to say that if our marriage fails, it is my fault. He tried. He says some pretty hurtful things, then wants kisses and hugs before going out the door to work. It's like he's saying, "see, even when we argue, I can forgive you. Why can't you do the same?" Feels like a set-up.

Bluebonnet1

Mmk11, I think you nailed it! Xabf is definitely trying to alleviate his guilt. I won't have it. He's a grown man, he made his choices. He needs to make it right with his HP, not me.

dollydo

Whatever he is doing now, won't last, addicts are good actors, most missed their calling, they should have been on the stage! My mother, a world class drinker for the last sixty five years can pretend to be anyone she wants to be...I call her Sarah Heartburn, the drunk diva.

Learn2Live

Maybe just try to be in the moment and not worry so much about why and what this might mean for the future? Maybe just be grateful to your HP that you have received this small concession and that at this moment the A is being cooperative. Who knows why anyone does anything? Living with addiction or alcoholism puts us on edge, makes us paranoid, makes us fearful of what the hell is going to happen next? and what am I being set up for? But the A is out of your home now. It is a diseased, sick way to have to live and think. Take back control of your thinking. One day at a time.

Adventure

Hi WARW

In my opinion this is total manipulation - possibly to make you feel bad, possibly to make you think you are missing out on this lovely, reasonable person, possibly to lull you into a false sense of security, or possibly all of the above. If it were me I wouldn't believe a bit of it, and I would be wary of it - yes I'm very cynical when it comes to the behaviour of an A! Just do things the right way yourself and you will be fine, and don't get sucked in to his acting!!

I suspect this is exactly what he's hoping to achieve...

I think this tells you all you need to know. He is still trying to control the situation by being nicey nicey - I wouldn't trust it one bit.

Adventure

witharealwinner

Good morning all.

Adventure, no, I do NOT trust him in the least. And yes, L2L, I have become paranoid from dealing with him these last 3 years. It's hard to break out of that and will probably take some time.

I am happy that he was agreeable to the switch, esp. for my kids' sake and my dad and my aunt. They hardly get to see my kids as it is, and my girls are so excited to be going.

I have been thinking that it is all a manipulation on his part. He was always like this when he got into any kind of "trouble" with me when he'd really screw up or be particularly nasty. Then, after a while, like most of them seem to do, go right back to the way things were.

I also think things are ok so far b/c he does not have a job yet, that I know of, and am pretty sure his family refuses to buy him beer, but am CERTAIN it will change once he starts working and getting money to buy himself beer.

I don't know why I try and understand that way of thinking, and am so glad I do not live my life that way.

Learn2Live

I think you try and understand his way of thinking because that is what you have to do when you live with alcoholics or addicts. We are people who take care of the needs of others before we take care of ourselves. In order to do that we are hyper-vigilant about reading the other person and their emotions and their words, to see what it is THEY need. And to see what is coming next that we are going to have to REACT TO. Yes, you DO live your life "that way." You are still living your life "that way." First, change your thinking. It is hard, but Awareness is key. Become AWARE of what you are doing, Accept who you are, Accept what he is, and then, find the healthier alternative. It's a job. It's a process. You can do it.

wow04

I think Adventure hit it head on.

This is all an act. He will be back to his old self in no time.

rdlesstraveled

Learn2live,

I hope that you don't mind..... I thought that your message was so profound that I am going to print it out and read it daily. Wow, that really hit close to home for me!

Thank you!

Learn2Live

I don't mind at all! Thank you for telling me! Keep fighting all that negativity and sickness you have surrounded yourself with!

witharealwinner

That is wonderful information.

And it is a hard thing to stop doing. You do it for so long and I think it's like you do it without even realizing you do it. Does that make sense? I think I've been this way (like so many of us) since I was younger, b/c my dad was an A growing up.

I sure hope that my kids haven't suffered any long term effects from the 3 years they were exposed to him. At least the babies won't remember the chaos.

And wow04, I agree, he will go back.

I feel kind of foolish b/c I have told my attorney what I thought he'd do, based on his past behavior, but then so far, he's done the complete opposite of what I told her. Then I start wondering if she thinks I'm the crazy one, b/c he's been doing the opposite. But I guess I shouldn't care what she thinks. I'm sure she's dealt with this type of thing before.

NYCDoglvr

This is manipulation. It sounds like you're giving yourself reasons to get back with him. Denial is as much a part of co-dependency as it is alcoholism, unfortunately, the reason why so many of us have to keep subjecting ourselves to destructive alcoholics.