devastated ;(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
devastated ;(
I am heartbroken. My boyfriend, whom has been in an outpatient rehab program (sober 31 days) just told me that he needs space. He was adament that we are not breaking up, but he needs space.
I am so proud of him (he is 39 and has been drinking since age 15) but I had hoped to be his rock and now he has pushed me away.
I am so depressed. I know that I am being selfish and that plagues me as well.
I plan on attending my first Alanon meeting tonight. Please pray for me because I am so scared and so upset.
I thought we were soulmates.
I am so proud of him (he is 39 and has been drinking since age 15) but I had hoped to be his rock and now he has pushed me away.
I am so depressed. I know that I am being selfish and that plagues me as well.
I plan on attending my first Alanon meeting tonight. Please pray for me because I am so scared and so upset.
I thought we were soulmates.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am similarly heartbroken rdlesstraveled. Yes, Al-Anon is a very good idea. It changed my life. I know you want to be his rock but really, this is something that an alcoholic must do himself. You cannot help him, he has to do it alone. Just like no one can go to college and get your education for you; YOU have to do it. Same thing with recovery.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi rdlesstraveled, Welcome to SR!
I'm so sorry you are hurting
You have found a great place for support among people who truly do understand.
Early recovery for any addict is a very intense and emotional time, and the necessary self-involvement is very offputting for many who love them.
He can't rely on you to 'be his rock'--it truly is his fight alone. You can encourage him to keep doing the 'next right thing', but you can't help him do it, and you can't do it for him.
I'm sorry to say that none of us will be able to tell you whether or not your relationship is really over, but now would be a great time to begin to heal yourself. I hope you will stick around and read all the threads you can. Welcome, again!
I'm so sorry you are hurting
You have found a great place for support among people who truly do understand.Early recovery for any addict is a very intense and emotional time, and the necessary self-involvement is very offputting for many who love them.
He can't rely on you to 'be his rock'--it truly is his fight alone. You can encourage him to keep doing the 'next right thing', but you can't help him do it, and you can't do it for him.
I'm sorry to say that none of us will be able to tell you whether or not your relationship is really over, but now would be a great time to begin to heal yourself. I hope you will stick around and read all the threads you can. Welcome, again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
I don't know from experience (I am not an A), but I know from two friends who have gotten sober that the first few months were terrifying for them and it took every bit of concentration just to not drink. Nothing left over for other people or concerns. Once they got a little bit past the constant craving for a drink they had problems dealing with their emotions and facing reality without the crutch of alcohol. That doesn't mean you aren't soulmates. It does mean that this is a very difficult, intense time for your BF. He has asked you for space, in my opinion the best thing you can do for him is to respect that. And the best thing you can do for you is to focus on and take care of yourself. I'm glad to hear you're going to an Alanon meeting. I hope it will be a help to you. Sending you best wishes and support-
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Sorry honey. it's so hard. I'm glad you are going to a meeting -- it's critical you take care of you.
I just broke up with my XABF because he's still drinking, so I'll never know how recovery would have been (I gather from friends' experiences, it's no picnic). It hurts that the most loving thing we can do sometimes is step back when we want to step forward. But that's how it is.
I just broke up with my XABF because he's still drinking, so I'll never know how recovery would have been (I gather from friends' experiences, it's no picnic). It hurts that the most loving thing we can do sometimes is step back when we want to step forward. But that's how it is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
thank you all so much for your kind posts. I have been crying (at work) all day. You are right, I need to take care of myself and love me right now. I need to just put it in god's hands because I can do nothing. If he is my soulmate then nothing will change that. If anything I am proud of him and should not be selfish in wanting him to turn to me because I am not a god, nor can I give him the professional help he needs.
I will continue to post here because I really need the help. Thank you again!!!!
I will continue to post here because I really need the help. Thank you again!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What he said is not about you. It's about him and what he needs for a strong recovery. It's not about you.
Everything you wrote in your post is exactly what the problem is. He needs to be his own rock, and you need to be yours. He's recovering from alcoholism, but he won't be able to be with you until you start working your own recovery, in Alanon, for your codependency issues.
If you don't learn how to know what is his, what is yours, how you contribute to other people's addictions, and why that's important he won't be able to maintain his recovery in a relationship with you.
Soulmate stuff is very dramatic, Hallmarky, and heartbreaking in that sweet, painful way us codependents love. It also does nothing but hurt healthy relationships, or even make them impossible.
Take care of yourself, let him take care of himself (he can you know), and good luck.
Cyranoak
Everything you wrote in your post is exactly what the problem is. He needs to be his own rock, and you need to be yours. He's recovering from alcoholism, but he won't be able to be with you until you start working your own recovery, in Alanon, for your codependency issues.
If you don't learn how to know what is his, what is yours, how you contribute to other people's addictions, and why that's important he won't be able to maintain his recovery in a relationship with you.
Soulmate stuff is very dramatic, Hallmarky, and heartbreaking in that sweet, painful way us codependents love. It also does nothing but hurt healthy relationships, or even make them impossible.
Take care of yourself, let him take care of himself (he can you know), and good luck.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Everything you wrote in your post is exactly what the problem is. He needs to be his own rock, and you need to be yours. He's recovering from alcoholism, but he won't be able to be with you until you start working your own recovery, in Alanon, for your codependency issues.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
A little more then two months ago my XAGF left me.
She is still an active drinker.
She has gone to AA and had many periods of sobriety. And each time used me as her crutch to get through those times.
It made ME feel so good that I could be there for her.
I started going to AL Anon. This is where I have learned that taking care of HER is not taking care of ME. In fact just the opposite.
I have come to realize that my entire time with her was about taking care of her.
I was only happy when she was happy. So I did whatever was needed to keep her happy.
I still miss her. And have days where I am sad, lonely and depressed.
But in time things have gotten better.
I have come to realize that she gave me a gift by leaving me.
She did for me what I was not able to do for myself.
In time you will know if you two are supposed to be together.
But you can only begin to know that by first taking care of yourself.
Taking care of HIM is not taking care of YOU.
She is still an active drinker.
She has gone to AA and had many periods of sobriety. And each time used me as her crutch to get through those times.
It made ME feel so good that I could be there for her.
I started going to AL Anon. This is where I have learned that taking care of HER is not taking care of ME. In fact just the opposite.
I have come to realize that my entire time with her was about taking care of her.
I was only happy when she was happy. So I did whatever was needed to keep her happy.
I still miss her. And have days where I am sad, lonely and depressed.
But in time things have gotten better.
I have come to realize that she gave me a gift by leaving me.
She did for me what I was not able to do for myself.
In time you will know if you two are supposed to be together.
But you can only begin to know that by first taking care of yourself.
Taking care of HIM is not taking care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Dear Rdlesstravelled and Soexhausted - I happened to come across your posts - usually only post under the narcotics section (friends and family) as I am in a similar position. My darling love of my life, who has been in recovery from cocaine addiction for almost a year, suddenly over night told me to 'get the hell out of his life'. We had been through EVERYTHING together. Through him in rehab and through recovery. Plus I knew him for so many years before his addiction. I am completely heart broken and devastated. But SR has helped so much. That this is not about US - this is addiction. And it is serious and it is for life. That if the addicts in our lives, even though they are in recovery, in fact more so that they are in recovery, don't solely focus 150% on themselves - that they will NOT make it!! The difficult part for me is accepting his words, having to respect his wishes, and after 10 or so years - not contacting him, not being part of his daily life, not being part of his recovery programme (it has now been 3 weeks of no contact) - the tough part too - is now realising that I am as much part of his potential relapse - as I act in a co-dependent way (even though I did not realise it)....and this disturbs me - I wish he had just spoken to me like the friends, loves we are - instead of just screaming at me one night....but that is how it goes - I pray it works out for you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Thank you for letting me go
Originally Posted by soexhausted 
A little more then two months ago my XAGF left me.
She is still an active drinker.
She has gone to AA and had many periods of sobriety. And each time used me as her crutch to get through those times.
It made ME feel so good that I could be there for her.
I started going to AL Anon. This is where I have learned that taking care of HER is not taking care of ME. In fact just the opposite.
I have come to realize that my entire time with her was about taking care of her.
I was only happy when she was happy. So I did whatever was needed to keep her happy.
I still miss her. And have days where I am sad, lonely and depressed.
But in time things have gotten better.
I have come to realize that she gave me a gift by leaving me.
She did for me what I was not able to do for myself.
In time you will know if you two are supposed to be together.
But you can only begin to know that by first taking care of yourself.
Taking care of HIM is not taking care of YOU.
She is still an active drinker.
She has gone to AA and had many periods of sobriety. And each time used me as her crutch to get through those times.
It made ME feel so good that I could be there for her.
I started going to AL Anon. This is where I have learned that taking care of HER is not taking care of ME. In fact just the opposite.
I have come to realize that my entire time with her was about taking care of her.
I was only happy when she was happy. So I did whatever was needed to keep her happy.
I still miss her. And have days where I am sad, lonely and depressed.
But in time things have gotten better.
I have come to realize that she gave me a gift by leaving me.
She did for me what I was not able to do for myself.
In time you will know if you two are supposed to be together.
But you can only begin to know that by first taking care of yourself.
Taking care of HIM is not taking care of YOU.
To Soexhausted - your words have hit me like a bullet - that is how I am feeling about my darling H who basically screamed at me to 'get the hell out of his life' after almost 18 years of friendship and 10 years in an intimate relationship....absolutely heartbreaking!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
After being through 3 rehabs with my ex as much as it hurts this can be a blessing.
Addiction is selfish, my AH sober was selfish and all of the crap leaves no time for you.
I just got back from a dinner party where everyone commented how happy I was. Why?? I am. A great weight has gone.
Rehab is no magic bullet in fact for some its a saftey blanket, others embrace ideas like religion. My therapist told me that the partners of AH are not involved as rehab therapists think why would anyone healthy be involved with a AH. It stung but for me it was true.
And no your not being selfish. As always its about them. Yes stick by me when the sh^t hits the fan but just for now I dont want you. Please make this about you.
Take Care
Addiction is selfish, my AH sober was selfish and all of the crap leaves no time for you.
I just got back from a dinner party where everyone commented how happy I was. Why?? I am. A great weight has gone.
Rehab is no magic bullet in fact for some its a saftey blanket, others embrace ideas like religion. My therapist told me that the partners of AH are not involved as rehab therapists think why would anyone healthy be involved with a AH. It stung but for me it was true.
And no your not being selfish. As always its about them. Yes stick by me when the sh^t hits the fan but just for now I dont want you. Please make this about you.
Take Care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
give it to him and never let him see you sweat!
When my ex joined AA, his wonderful sponsor told him to leave me because he would not sponsor him if he was not single (I was with him for 5 yrs). My ex didn't leave, but he did decide to cheat over and over. His sponsor told him he was better of with a women in the program of AA.
All to say, maybe someone told him he had to leave, which sure, if your relationship was causing him to relapse, i get it, but otherwise, it makes no sense.
Did he tell you why needed time away?
When my ex joined AA, his wonderful sponsor told him to leave me because he would not sponsor him if he was not single (I was with him for 5 yrs). My ex didn't leave, but he did decide to cheat over and over. His sponsor told him he was better of with a women in the program of AA.
All to say, maybe someone told him he had to leave, which sure, if your relationship was causing him to relapse, i get it, but otherwise, it makes no sense.
Did he tell you why needed time away?
Lot Of Love Out There, Man.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
His sponsor told him he was better of with a women in the program of AA.
It is also suggested for those that are single, if they are looking for someone to be with, to find one that works their own program or has a good spiritual foundation in a church. To limit it to only the program they work is not right either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
Thank you all again for your wonderful words of advice.
I went to my first Al-Anon/ACOA meeting on Friday night and I was completely blown away by how "at home" I felt. There was this amazing feeling of serenity and hope (for me). Everyone in that room was amazing....simply amazing.
That meeting saved me this weekend. Without it I think that I would have lost my mind.
As for "A", my "recovering boyfriend, I haven't seen him all weekend.
My devastation has turned into a flaming anger. Although there is this understanding that he has this disease and I am codependent, I am pissed that he can still go to the gym, get a tattoo, go shopping, out to dinner, but barely have the energy to contact me!! I thank the poster whom said that I am not selfish, because right now I feel like my recovering alcoholic boyfriend is totally selfish!
I am pissed because I am left here sitting, being patient, giving him space and he is "free" I mean, seriously??? Why doesn't he just f'ing dump me?? I am in this place right now where I wish he would. I mean, what is my role anyways anymore??? this just sucks.
A previous poster (maybe it was on another website) warned me that this would open up old wounds (father has been sober for several years) and they are right....... it has and I am f'ing hot and not ready to deal with all this.
Thanks for reading my rant. lol
I went to my first Al-Anon/ACOA meeting on Friday night and I was completely blown away by how "at home" I felt. There was this amazing feeling of serenity and hope (for me). Everyone in that room was amazing....simply amazing.
That meeting saved me this weekend. Without it I think that I would have lost my mind.
As for "A", my "recovering boyfriend, I haven't seen him all weekend.
My devastation has turned into a flaming anger. Although there is this understanding that he has this disease and I am codependent, I am pissed that he can still go to the gym, get a tattoo, go shopping, out to dinner, but barely have the energy to contact me!! I thank the poster whom said that I am not selfish, because right now I feel like my recovering alcoholic boyfriend is totally selfish!
I am pissed because I am left here sitting, being patient, giving him space and he is "free" I mean, seriously??? Why doesn't he just f'ing dump me?? I am in this place right now where I wish he would. I mean, what is my role anyways anymore??? this just sucks.
A previous poster (maybe it was on another website) warned me that this would open up old wounds (father has been sober for several years) and they are right....... it has and I am f'ing hot and not ready to deal with all this.
Thanks for reading my rant. lol
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled
I went to my first Al-Anon/ACOA meeting on Friday night and I was completely blown away by how "at home" I felt. There was this amazing feeling of serenity and hope (for me). Everyone in that room was amazing....simply amazing.
My devastation has turned into a flaming anger. Although there is this understanding that he has this disease and I am codependent, I am pissed that he can still go to the gym, get a tattoo, go shopping, out to dinner, but barely have the energy to contact me!! I thank the poster whom said that I am not selfish, because right now I feel like my recovering alcoholic boyfriend is totally selfish!
I am pissed because I am left here sitting, being patient, giving him space and he is "free" I mean, seriously??? Why doesn't he just f'ing dump me?? I am in this place right now where I wish he would. I mean, what is my role anyways anymore??? this just sucks.
I am pissed because I am left here sitting, being patient, giving him space and he is "free" I mean, seriously??? Why doesn't he just f'ing dump me?? I am in this place right now where I wish he would. I mean, what is my role anyways anymore??? this just sucks.
A previous poster (maybe it was on another website) warned me that this would open up old wounds (father has been sober for several years) and they are right.......
Keep posting here. Anger is stress and stress is VERY bad for the body. So breathe deep. Take a walk or go for a run, some form of aerobic exercise to release all those bad anger chemicals coursing through your veins.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Chris1000101
That is wrong on so many levels. (I am not saying you are wrong the sponsor was.) It is suggested to the newcomers of AA and NA not to make any drastic changes during their first year. If you are not in a relationship, do not get in one. If you are married then stay marred. If you have a job, keep it. etc. etc.
It is also suggested for those that are single, if they are looking for someone to be with, to find one that works their own program or has a good spiritual foundation in a church. To limit it to only the program they work is not right either.
It is also suggested for those that are single, if they are looking for someone to be with, to find one that works their own program or has a good spiritual foundation in a church. To limit it to only the program they work is not right either.
I saw it over and over.
My ex should have entrusted an old timer, but he wanted a sponsor to tell him it was ok to use AA as a dating pool
Lot Of Love Out There, Man.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
yes exactly, hence why often sponsors in AA are the blind leading the blind.
I saw it over and over.
My ex should have entrusted an old timer, but he wanted a sponsor to tell him it was ok to use AA as a dating pool
I saw it over and over.
My ex should have entrusted an old timer, but he wanted a sponsor to tell him it was ok to use AA as a dating pool
The blind leading the blind and using AA as a dating pool, I have to agree with that I have seen both. When I was first introduced (kicked threw the doors) to the different fellowships, I was living just south of Cleveland, Ohio. I had an old timer grab me and drill me as to why I was there and what I needed to do if I was to survive. I learned in a hurry what a sponsor should be. Though the programs only make suggestions, one key that I look for myself is a sponsor that knows the word “must” is used 67 times in the first 164 pages of their primary book. It does not matter what program I chose to work, if I am to grow, I need to be teachable and have a sponsor that will tell me what I need to hear and not what I want. Obviously, your ex did not look for one that was going to tell him what he needed to hear. I am sorry that you have had to experience the things you have.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
