New Here! New Hopes... But Still Scared.

Old 07-05-2012, 09:35 AM
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Smile New Here! New Hopes... But Still Scared.

Hello, New here. My name is Jen. My 21 year old daughter is finally in rehab for drugs.. mostly opiates and benzo's, But she had been using MJ and Alcohol since she was 14 as well... the problem drugs were pills though..The ones that caused her to have blackouts and legal problems and become so disorganized and get off path of her life.. She has lost her job, had to drop out of school been arrested 6 times since last September and broken one foot, had an accidental OD and many more other painful experiences since last September, including an 11 month relationship with the most vile, manipulating and controlling degenerate I have ever known. He hurt her physically and mentally and played emotional blackmail games with her...(Telling her that if she went to rehab/got a job/had friends,that he would leave her...)


She comes home on Sunday. We are excited to get her home again, but scared that this (her being in rehab for the 1st time) is going to be the easy part and that the hard part actually starts when she gets home.

I know she sounded amazing today when I talked to her.. I could hear her so Happy.. its been a long long time since I heard that kind of positive side to her.

Our household is relatively alcohol free ( I might drink a beer two or three times a year) and definitely drug free. So I know that our home is just as good as sober living.

I worry about the "old friends" she has denounced all of them including the looser boyfriend.. she knows he was manipulative and controlling.. this is a huge step for her. But I am afraid lonely might cause her to call upon some of the old friends.

I worry that I wont immediately recognize any signs of relapse or even just a slip.

I am supposed to draw up a family contract before she is discharged, but cannot find a good sample one online. The one her counselor gave me is not very helpful. I also wonder how much of it needs to be completely discussed with her.. so that she has more "Buy" into it. Maybe have a high level one for her for the discharge.. then a much more in-depth one that we all work on when she comes home.

I am extremely proud of her for finally asking for help.

I know know I need to help fix me now.. I still have lots of pain from all of the lies and deception and the angst of seeing my daughter slowly kill herself.

I just thought I would introduce myself and my story.. before I started posting. I am excited to find this forum. I am glad there is a community that I can talk about all that is going on in my head. I know it is not a substitute for Nar-anon meetings, but I know this place will help me too.:c009
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Old 07-05-2012, 10:16 AM
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Hello Jen, welcome. This is an amazing site that allows families and loved ones to connect with each other, no matter who their Addict is. Mine is my 22 year old son. I can only offer a small bit of advice. Watch her actions, not her words. Support her in good decisions but be firm in your boundaries. There are tons of sticky notes at the top specifically for parents of addicts. Realize that she will struggle with sobriety (it takes time to unlearn the habits and the ways our A's lived).
I would also recommend you look into Alanon or Nar Anon meetings in your area that will also give you tools that will help you and your daughter navigate the new relationship.

I wish you the best
Teresa
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Old 07-05-2012, 11:12 AM
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Hi, Jen. You might want to think about having your daughter move into a sober living house (SLE) for a few months before moving back with you. When my son went to rehab for the first time (heroin), I thought there was no reason why he couldn't be with me rather than an SLE, as I thought I could do everything they could do in terms of structure, rules, etc. I was wrong about that. First, it wasn't helpful for my son to move back into the very same environment where he had a history of hanging around with users and using himself (against my rules and without my knowledge). My very house was a trigger. Second, I have a life myself and was not in a position to monitor his compliance with my rules. I couldn't get him to work out a schedule with me, couldn't get him to go to meetings or to set up his IOP. It was a mess. Within two days, he had relapsed, and within a week, I was forced to throw him out of my house. The entire week was emotionally grueling.

At an SLE, your daughter would have structure, rules, chores, be required to go to meetings, get a sponsor and get a job. She would be living in a community focused on recovery from addiction with other people working towards the same goal. And you won't be forced into the role of warden, jailer, drug tester, enforcer, etc. She might have a better chance of sustaining recovery in this type of 3/4 or halfway house than moving immediately back in with you.
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Old 07-05-2012, 11:34 AM
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(((((Jennirey)))))

Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots of experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are now, or are where you are now.

With that being said:

Our household is relatively alcohol free ( I might drink a beer two or three times a year) and definitely drug free. So I know that our home is just as good as sober living.
No, your home is not 'just as good as sober living.'

A sober living house, is a community of other SOBER and CLEAN folks, relearning how to live without drugs and alcohol. This is how MOST of us A (yes I am one of those, along with being a co dependent). It is more than just an alcohol and drug free hosue.

An A learns from THIER PEERS. Yes, they have 'rules and regulations' that must be followed. They have chores to do, which they see their fellow housemates doing. They have 'in house meetings' to discuss the 'temperment of the house', 'the atmosphere of the house' and clear up misunderstandings between residents. They also have a set number of meetings to attend.

As they follow the 'rules and regulations' they get more 'privileges' ie later curfew, weekend passes, etc until they have re acclimated into society.

And all of this is coming from folks just like themselves, NOT from parents like they are again a child.

I understand how much you love your daughter! However, I have been sober over 31 years and in Alanon for over 28 years to work on my co dependency and keep my 'tools' current. In all this time, I personally have not seen even One Case where an A coming out of rehab and going back to 'mommy and daddy' has NOT worked.

Sorry, as I know you do not want to hear that. A sober living environment for your daughter, will certainly allow you lots and lots of contact with her. However, she will not be in your home, you will NOT end up feeling like her WARDEN (and trust me you will). You will NOT have to enforce 'the contract'.

However, should you choose to go ahead and have her move back home 'the contract' can be very simple, but will only work if you are TRULY READY to enforce THE CONSEQUENCES should 'the contract' be broken.

"I _________________________ hereby agree to the following terms and conditions of me moving into my parents home.

I will NOT use drugs, alcohol, or any mind altering chemicals. I will not said drugs, alcohol, and any mind altering chemicals into this home.

I will contribute to the operation and continued serenity of this home. I will do chores, I will pay rent upon getting a job.

I will give my parents respect at all times. I will not rant, rave, threaten, or scream at them ever.

I will continue to work on my recovery 24/7 and comply with all aspects of 'aftercare' that have been suggested by my therapist, including any and all meetings required."

That should just about cover it. Now the difference in her living with you and living in a Sober Living Environment in addition to what I said earlier, is that it won't be 'mommy and daddy' enforcing something she does not like. It will be a GROUP OF HER PEERS at a 'house meeting.'

Then when she calls complaining about a room mate, or something else going on in the house, you can say "that's nice dear, I am glad you are learning how to deal with life on life's terms.' then go on to another subject, ie 'would you like to meet for lunch on ____insert day here____.

The stress of her living in your home versus her living in a SLE cannot be compared. Sure there will still be some worry and fretting on your part, but you will NOT be THE ENFORCER. Your house will remain calm and peaceful and hopefully serene. Yet you will have as an option as much or as little contact as you choose.

Your daughter needs to FOCUS very heavily on her recovery, and that is best done, not in the parents home which can be very distracting, having that close a relationship (day in day out 24/7 contact) so early in recovery. Being in a SLE will give her the opportunity to do just that, FOCUS on her recover, and discuss her 'feelings, confusion, her anxieties' etc with others who have recently gone through or are going through the same things. And they will understand because they too are addicts. Certainly better, than a non addict or parent could.

J M H O

Again, welcome to SR!

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:43 PM
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Hi, Jen. My 22 year old AS lives with us until September 1. He was in out-patient treatment (opiates, MJ, alcohol) when he was 19. He went right back to using the day after his after-care was done. We asked him to leave. Made the mistake of paying for an apartment for him while he attended school. He continued to use while attending school and work part time. He currently has one more year to complete his psychology bachelors degree.

In December, he came home for break from college. Was arrested twice, once in October and once in December for posession and paraphenalia. He asked us to allow him to live with us until his new lease begins Sept 1 with the agreement he would go through treatment again. He went through another outpatient treatment, and aftercare. He says he has a sponsor that he meets with weekly and attends a couple of meetings every week. He is working part time at a deparment store and part time at a halfway house for men every other weekend. He doesn't dissapear for long periods of time, so it doesn't seem like he is attending parties, but I feel like he is either still using or a "dry drunk" as he still behaves in ways he did while he was using heavily (doesn't pick up after himself, leaves late for work, disorganized, forgets appointments due to oversleeping, etc.) He's never openly sarcastic or disagreeable but I find a lot of his "forgetting" to help out unless we write him a list of "mow the lawn," etc. to be his passive aggressive way of taking his resentment out on us. AA and NA meeting attendance seems to be gradually decreasing too.

Frankly, I can't wait until September 1. I did much better when he was not living with us. This time around, we do not intend to pay for groceries, rent, or anything. We have told him that, but I don't know if he believes it.

Laurie is right, definitely, a sober living environemnt would be a great option for both of you. You could work on yourself and so could she. If you haven't already tried Al-Anon, it is a great program. I finally starting attending meetings in March. I didn't realize it truly is a family illess.

Keep posting and reading here, this website is soooo helpful.
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:53 PM
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Mother of a 21-year-old opiate/heroin IV drug user who is beginning a PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) today. Even he realizes that getting clean is the easy part, and leaving his father's house is the huge, scary step he needs to take. The hardest and the most crucial. How or when that will happen is in God's hands, because his father is not there yet in terms of understanding that.

I agree with all the posters when they say your home is not as good as a SLE, and for all the reasons they list. You mention your need to heal from all the chaos and trauma, and that, too, is a good reason for your daughter to live elsewhere. Too much past, too much emotional baggage, too many ghosts.

Give yourself a chance here, as well. Just something to think about.

Wishing you a clear head, a calm heart, and many blessings.
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Old 07-05-2012, 03:04 PM
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My 22yr old AS was very clear that he did not want to move home after his 30 day rehab. He wanted a completely separate and different environment. I think that being home would have triggered him and he knew it. I also think he has some guilt about his behavior when he was here he is likely working through too - I didn't think right out of rehab was the time for that kind of work.

He moved out of a roommate situation into his own apt. He wanted solitude more than anything and the ability to live the way he needed to. I was skeptical at first but so far (7 months) it is working out very well for him. It is also working out very well for me too - I need that distance as much as he does.

I figure there will be time for us to heal our relationship further at some point but right now he is very self focused and working on setting up his life the way he wants to live it. As long as that includes recovery work, school and being sober - I am supporting him in his efforts.

When he is here (he does pop in for a visit now and then) my Mom vigilance radar turns back on instantly. I keep quiet about it but I feel it. I think this is normal (happens with my daughter too) but it gets amped up when your kid is a recovering addict. It's not very healthy and it is exhausting.....I couldn't do it full time.

All the best to you.....keep reading and posting....
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Old 07-05-2012, 03:14 PM
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I have a 19 year old AS. WHen he was 16 we sent him to a therapeutic school for troubled teens for 7 months. He had been drinking, dealing, and using marijuana, and was generally out of control. At the end of the program he was a different person- happy, self-assure, goal oriented. The program STRONGLY advised us not to let him come home.

I wanted my child back, and was sure they were wrong. Two months later he was using percoset and XANAX. spiraled down, was hospitalized for suicidal threats. The hospital wanted to commit him for treatment. We knew better, and decided he good do outpatient. Two months later went back to the original program for 30 days in to avoid arrest, came back and started stealing from us. Drug use continued to escalate. Was hospitalized again for suicidal threats- released after 72 hours. Finally, two years and 10 days after we sent him away the first time, we did an intervention and he went to rehab. He wanted to come home after 30 days- we said no, and told him he needed to be clean for 12 months before he could live with us again. He stayed at the rehab for 45 days, then moved into an extended care program.

He will never live with us again- its not good for him, and not good for us.
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Old 07-05-2012, 04:10 PM
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I am another who advocates for an SLE, instead of bringing her home.

It's better for strangers who know the score to impose discipline and hold her accountable for her behaviors. The better ones require their guests to be employed and self sustaining within X weeks.

If she is going to relapse, she will do so regardless of where she lives.
If she is going to stay clean, she will do so regardless of where she lives.
Recovery is 100% an inside job.
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Old 07-05-2012, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by cangel2 View Post
When he is here (he does pop in for a visit now and then) my Mom vigilance radar turns back on instantly. I keep quiet about it but I feel it.
Exactly what happens to me, almost like a physical sensation.
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Old 07-05-2012, 07:02 PM
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I want to thank you all for the Welcome.. Although I am now extremely doubting myself.. I still want her to come back home. Even after hearing all of the reasons why.I am hearing her want a future again. School a job.. no more manipulative boyfriends. she is even welcoming NA which is something she did not want (She was having higher power issues) she originally wanted to find a secular alternative.. I have agreed to go to family counseling with her as well.

We have a really good therapist she was seeing a while before for the bipolar and her Psychiatrist she trusts..... I sent off the contract today.

I _xxx_ agree to the following terms:

These are my goals:

1. Sobriety
2. No drugs or drug use in the house.
3. No "New" legal troubles.
4. Absolutely No "Chris".
5. Share with my family about any and all Slips/relapses.
6. Get help when I need it.
7. No more isolation. (staying in my room all of the time.) Stay open to the family.
8. Find a Sponsor and go to meetings regularly.
9. Only Calm discussions will be tolerated from all parties.
10. Serve my existing warrants/Take care of your existing legal troubles within a reasonable amount of time.
11. Keep up with my legal troubles.
12. Keep my bed and bathroom relatively clean and help out around the house with and without being asked.
13. Always clean up after myself.
14. Get a job or do volunteer work on a regular basis within a reasonable amount of time, and keep looking daily until you find something to keep you structured.
15. No visitors or house guests without reasonable notice and parental permission
16. Keep up with my Medical and Therapy appointments.
17. Set goals for myself Big and Small.
18. There will be "Zero" abuse in the family home, (emotionally, verbally, physically) from anyone.
19. Remember to call your bondsmen on your own. This is your responsibility and not mine.
20. Keep a schedule, and adhere to it. Set a time for myself to take medicine, eat, sleep.. (within reason).
21. Find a source as quickly as I can for my own expenses- ie,, (A job, Unemployment, etc).
22. Work towards getting my license reinstated.
23. Have long term attainable goals that I set time requirements on.
24. Respect everyones boundaries and belongings.


These are my rewards/reinforcers if I meet my goals:

A safe home where food water and shelter and climate is controlled. Medical insurance will remain in effect. Assistance with medical co-pays. Transportation as needed and available. A cell phone that you can call home and medical appointments and sponsors and new clean friends. Assistance with paperwork as you need it. (but not doing it for you). Assistance helping you find resources. (but not calling them for you).

These are my consequences if I do not meet my goals:

Complete relapse, Drugs or drug use in the home, Legal problems (other than what are already in the system), shoplifting and Chris, Violence, Not Keeping up with your treatments -- you must find a new place to live (Sober living, The Oxford House, a friend, etc..)
Cleanliness, Not setting Goals, Not looking for a job or source of income, Visitor policy, Not respecting my boundaries and belongings -- These could result in lost privileges, Monetary support for necessities, transportation to appointments, cigarettes, phone, no visitors allowed at all.
Not keeping up with treatments, meetings and medicines, not sharing about slips/relapses...you should seek help (residency treatment)


My contract will be reviewed on__August 8th (1 Month) and every month thereafter while stable. More frequently if seeming more unstable. Less frequently after 6 months (every 3 months) and Less frequently after 1 year (every 6 months)
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Old 07-05-2012, 08:38 PM
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I hope that you can keep your boundaries and enforce them. I tried that with my AS after his first detox recovery effort and second. Because I wanted so badly to have him back in my life, I did not follow through. I now have no contact due to yet AGAIN his theft.
I pray your daughter can read your agreement and humbly acknowledge her doing in each of your expectations and WHY you expect her to follow the rules.
Best wishes and support to you. I pray daily for my son to find recovery.
Hugs
Teresa
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:55 PM
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wow. I really wish you would reconsider and go with the SLE.

the reason that interventions and treatment facilities and meetings and sponsor relationships and sober living environments all utilize the oh so very human resource of other recovering addicts is because it's almost always true that only an addict can really "help" an addict. (only a codie really gets another codie...and when I read your posts I hear deeply rooted codie language)

it doesn't sound to me like anyone in your home is going to understand a new language that your daughter has learned in rehab...and I don't know if its possible for you to learn it or understand it...because it's addict/recovery language. and she needs to practice it. going to NA is great, but its only an hour or so a day, for her to have maybe 3 or 4 minutes to share. in a SLE the whole house is speaking the language 24/7 and everyone there can read right through the BS of early recovery hesitation/excuses/fears/doubts/misgivings/laziness etc.

eggshells don't get swept under the rug at an SLE
accountability for recovery is not your job...it is your daughter's job within a recovery community
your job is to "get thee to al anon/nar anon" and ASAP

please reconsider your decision

I know how you feel
when my ex got out of rehab I took him back home.
I had 5 years of recovery and treatment modalities under my belt
a year and a half of research and a keen eye for all the signs
I had it all mapped out

now I fully understand the subtleties...the backward and sideways manipulation of the codependent...it is oh so seductive and can be very deceitful, we call it wanting to help...but we know not what we do. we are in denial ourselves often about our own motivations.
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