farfaraway

How much do you tell casual acquaintances about the addict in your life? We had good friends of my husband visiting us here a couple of weeks ago. They know I have a brother and a sister and parents. Nothing much else. But because my sister's addiction has defined our family dynamic for so long I have trouble answering simple conversational questions, such as:

'How's your sister doing?'
In this case I admitted I don't really talk to my sister. I didn't say 'Probably getting high unless she managed to get herself together during her pregnancy.' Of course they wanted to know why I don't talk to her. I said I don't know where she is. I explained that she's kind of a hippy and likes to travel around and doesn't like consumerism.

All of that stuff is true. Except that the reason why she travels around is because she's homeless and she's homeless because she's a drug addict! When I talk about family in general, I am definitely leaving gaping holes in the story because so much revolves the 'big thing we can't talk about'.

My husband said I should have told them my sister is having a baby. I am not happy that my sister is going to be a mother and I know I would not be able to put on a happy face if I told them that. So that they don't think there's something wrong with me, I'd have to tell them everything. Or not, and just let them think I'm jealous or something.

My family always treated my sister's problem as a big shameful secret. I just don't know where the line is. I also don't want people judging my actions (having let go, no contact) while having NO IDEA how it is to get to the point where you can let go.

So what do you all say when people ask about your family? Am I making too much of this?

Lara

I think one of the issues here (I had a similar story with my dad being an alcoholic) is to understand WHY you don't want to share the 'truth'. I truly believe it is not everyone's business to know - acquaintances, work collegues etc etc certainly don't need to know the story of your family...but if someone is in your life who genuinely cares about you - and who is a true friend - I believe you should tell them the truth. You don't have to share all the nitty gritty details - but you could simply say "my sister is battling with addiction - and I prefer not to discuss it'.
The other question though, is the reason you are not sharing - is it because you are ashamed? And you know the answer to that - what your sister does - should not have any affect on you, and your self worth. You are not responsible - you should feel no shame!!!

HopefulGF65

I agree, no one has to know unless you feel they are a trusted friend who can listen and support YOU unconditionally.

I joined a new department at work and there was one girl, much younger than I, who amazingly sensed the first 'bad' day I had at work since joining the dept. I so wanted to start fresh with this group but as we all know, going through this sh*t is crazy and you think you're hiding it but you're not. She kept reaching out to me and I could tell it was genuine concern. That was 2 months ago. I finally told her the truth last week and she is there for me even more. She is the one I have plans with after work each week to work out now, she's driving down to my area to hang out in a couple of weeks (she lives 2 hour away), etc. etc.. So you'd be surprised what gifts you can receive when you reach out to the right people. I'm lucky, she is so much wiser than her years and so incredibly kind.

farfaraway

I wouldn't say it's shame... I'm new to posting at SR but I've been reading a loooong time. I know I own my behavior and not hers.

My feeling is that people like my husband's friends just want to make polite conversation, and they don't want to hear my family drama. My husband thinks I should have told them I'm going to be an aunt, but that it was my call. I chose not.

And now I've been wondering if I make too much of a big deal of it in my mind, and if other people just say something nice, but vague and then change the subject like I do?

Freedom1990

You already told them you don't talk to your sister. There is no further explanation needed.

I very politely tell people it's something I will not discuss when it comes to situations like that.

I am in no shape or form obligated to launch into an in-depth discussion and neither are you, dear.

Sending you gentle hugs of support!

PrayingMama

I use my instincts. And they're pretty damned good at this point (ACOA, mother of addicted son). Depends on the person, the circumstances, how I'm feeling and dealing that day.

I usually speak pretty freely about my son's addiction because I, too, grew up with such shame and secrecy, and there has been such shame and deception and dissembling surrounding my son's addiction that I have become allergic to secrets. I just hate them.

I probably speak more freely on occasion than the inquirer anticipated, but hey, don't ask a question you aren't prepared to hear the answer to.

That being said, say what you're comfortable with. But as someone who has clawed her way back from crippling shame over family of origin issues, if it's in any way related to shame, I would consider ways to address that for your own emotional well-being.

Blessings to you, prayers for your sister and child.