The nitty gritty of leaving

Old 07-05-2012, 03:31 AM
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The nitty gritty of leaving

I have had so many revelations/moments of clarity over the last few days. One of the biggest ones was that as long as I have daily contact with my AH (i.e. living under the same roof), I am stuck. I am stuck because I see the state he is in, and I feel sorry for him. I don't feel love, or anything like it. I just plain pity him, and that kicks in the feelings of Fear (of what will happen to him), Obligation (to ensure bills/mortgage get paid and I suppose to ensure he stays alive), and Guilt (I know, I know, ridiculous).

So, I need to get out, and I need to get out soon. I am not in danger, but the longer I stay, the longer I stay!! I have read inspirational posts by several users over recent days, and I need to make a plan, make a schedule, to give me some focus and direction.

So, I suppose where I'm going with this is, how did those of you that left go about leaving? As in, what were the small things that needed sorting before you left? I'm sure some left in a hurry, and some did it over a longer period of time. For those that had the time to plan/organise it, what are the things I need to think of?

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Old 07-05-2012, 04:22 AM
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All pertinent documents regarding taxes, credit cards, investments, mortgages. Birth certificates, marriage certificates, if there are children, everything that pertains to their school and doctor records. Title to your car, boat, motorcycle and so forth.

I would open an account in my name only, start stashing money in it.

Start sorting and staging the items you want to take with you.

I am sure there is more, others will be here to add to the list.

Take care
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Old 07-05-2012, 04:37 AM
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Just like you....

The longer I stayed....the longer I stayed for the same reasons you mentioned.
Everything dollydo said above is good advice....if it is you that is leaving.

I on the otherhand made my AH leave so I didn't have to worry about any of that. Just getting him out was my main priority.

I see under your name you are a fellow Irish woman !!
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Old 07-05-2012, 04:58 AM
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Thanks so much for the replies.

I am lucky (in a separating sense, not that I didn't want them) that we don't have kids, so it simplifies things a lot. Also, I have remained 100% financially independent since the beginning. I tried to do things in a joint way, but anytime we tried to agree things he ended up drunk so it never happened. God's way of giving me what I need instead of what I want I suppose!!

Yes, I also want to be the one to leave. We built a house on a site bought from his parents, so I need to get away from not just him, but all my in-laws. Parents-in-law, sis-in-law, and bro-in-law all within 100 metres of our house

I certainly am another Irish girl Milly - nice to meet you!! Is it ever going to stop raining this "summer"?!!

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Old 07-05-2012, 05:56 AM
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I left, and lived in an apartment for six months, then move back into the house when he left it.

I don't have kids and kept our finances reasonably separate.

I had to know I could stand on my own two feet so it was a matter of running the money and seeing if I had enough.

I also did all the bills etc. I took the responsibility of making sure the ones that needed to stayed in my name and the ones that did not, did not.

I also had to realize that the drinking was going to happen with or without me. I spent the first six months away experiencing the same emotions I had at the house with us in it. That was part of my illness. Time and recovery helped it. I could not start really healing it until I moved out of the house though.

Gently, are you really safe? If I remember correctly you had a scary time of it not so long ago....

I did that too, and was in a lot of denial about how bad the situation was.
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Old 07-05-2012, 06:07 AM
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Hi LR - You're right, I was in a horrible situation one night a while ago. Thankfully nothing has heppened since, but I am trying to be realistic too that it is always a possibility. I have put things in place that have helped me to feel safer until I am gone. My next door neighbour is aware of what happened, and is on speed dial, and has a key, so knows to be over with her hubby in a shot! Thank you so much for your concern though.

The more I think about it, the more I realise I need to stop complicating things. I need to do the few basic things - change a couple of bills, make sure I have paperwork, and make sure I have enough clothes etc. But really, I need to simplify and stop delaying myself leaving. I feel sick at the thought of it, and yet I'm sick s**t of still being there! Ridiculous procrastination!!

Thanks again everyone. You all have permission to kick my a** the longer this continues!
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Old 07-05-2012, 06:15 AM
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I related to your post because for me it was about believing I could do it and being emotionally prepared that was the key.

The finances and the rest of it were really in place and had been, but I used them as an excuse to stay until it was "perfect."

The feelings of leaving and staying left were really hard. I am not going to lie. They were hard regardless of where I was though.
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Old 07-05-2012, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
The finances and the rest of it were really in place and had been, but I used them as an excuse to stay until it was "perfect."
This is exactly what I've been doing.... time to get on with it.

Thanks
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Old 07-05-2012, 08:22 AM
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Hi Adventure,
I am not one who left in a very methodical way, unfortunately. but, I can relate to your post anyway. When I was with my AH, I was spending a lot of my energy trying to make sure he was safe and all set up because I was worried about him. I didn't have a plan for myself except to spend time with my own family until I could afford a place on my own. When my AH kicked me out, I had 1 1/2 hours to grab what I could carry. The only thing I really regret not planning is my move. That is, I wish I had made a list of what I wanted / deserved to setup my own place so that I wouldnt have to buy it all over again.

Coincidentally, a good friend of mine left her AH about a month earlier than I did. We have this repeated theme in our lives, "Well, I have one of those, but it's not at this house." That has been extraordinarily frustrating, especially knowing that they don't appreciate having it or probably even know that they do have it. All the paperwork stuff? You can do that later when your mind is clearer. It sounds like you are pretty self-sufficient anyway. I say, focus on where you'll go and what you want to come with you. Then, make it happen.

Good luck!
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:54 AM
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Adventure - it sounds like you are in a pretty good position...so sending you strength and positive thoughts.

hard to believe its July and no sign of the sun - we live in hope ....like every other summer gone by!!!
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Old 07-05-2012, 10:33 AM
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You'll make the move when the pain of staying is worse than the fear of leaving.

Some of us take a while to get there, I know I did.
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