CeciliaV

Hi all. It's been a while since my last visit to the site. Things have been good, and things have been bad, and things have been worse. I thought my AH was making good progress until I found out that he was sneaking alcohol again. He's gone through a couple rounds of temporary sobriety in the last few weeks. And I have nearly gone through all my patience.

This last week has absolutely sucked. Last Saturday, I knew he was drinking. I'm not stupid. He denied it, of course. He was plowed, and I told him to just go to bed to sleep it off. We had some really heavy talks the next day (Sunday). I was brutally honest - I told him how selfish he was; that alcohol makes him a liar and a sneak; that I haven't had a husband for over a year now. I ended up basically dropping out of my last semester of grad school in spring 2011 due to the stresses of the issues we were having (and are STILL having)...and I brought up how he hasn't ONCE asked me about school or tried to support me in getting back to finish up my last course. He seemed to listen. It seemed to sink in. He was apologetic, thoughtful, and remorseful. He said he would be better and try harder and go to AA (specifically, Quad A).

It all sounded good. I wasn't all giddy over his words, as I've heard them in some form before, but I was reservedly hopeful - especially since he finally said he'd go to AA. Then today happened. Today was my birthday. The day started off fine enough - he went out to buy breakfast. It went downhill rapidly in the early afternoon though. He apparently stopped to stock up on vodka on the way home from picking up lunch. He stopped in a store that doesn't give itemized receipts (which he knows just gets me suspicious, and for good reason) and played it off by admitting that he wen there because it was really hot out and it was right by where he was getting our lunches and he just realllllllly needed to stock up on gatorade. Um, okay. Whatever. I should have known then.

It became obvious that he was drinking. I tried my best to stay cool and disconnected. I failed late this evening. When we took the dog out for his evening walk (highly unsuccessfully due to all the screeching fireworks in our neighborhood), I could see him stumbling and I just started to crumble and crack. He denied drinking repeatedly. I swear, he either thinks I'm stupid or he thinks he's that smart that he can fool me. Then he slipped off for a bit and I went to go find him, and he had gotten into bed without even saying goodnight. I'm not sure why, but that really irritated me. The fact that he got drunk on my birthday, lied to me repeatedly, and then just went off to bed without a word set me off. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't do this anymore, I went and found his hidden bottles. I confronted him. Lies, lies, lies, and more lies.

He eventually admitted to drinking, which he couldn't avoid doing since the evidence was found. I got mad, since he was still only telling barely half-truths, contradicting his own lies with more lies. He said he was drinking because the withdrawals were too bad. I told him to go get medical help. He said he's going to go to AA. I told him that he can talk about going all he wants, but it doesn't mean a thing until he actually goes. (For Pete's sake, I TALK about working out all the time but until I get my booty to the gym, it's just talk!) There are meetings every day, and every day he seems to make an excuse to not go. He had said earlier that he would go two Saturdays from now with someone in his group therapy session, but that's a long time, and I'm not sure he or I can make it that long.

Oh, and we're supposed to go away on a long weekend vacation in a day and a half. I'm considering leaving him behind & just going with the dog. We're also scheduled to do a two-week road trip visit to both sides of our family in early August, and I'm not sure I can stand being in a car with him to drive the 10+ hours there & back & the in between driving up and down the coast. I can barely stand to look at him at this point.

I'm really just gob-smacked. Happy freakin birthday to me!

dollydo

:day5

Sorry that he ruined your day, it goes with the territory when living with an alcoholic.
I can't remember one holiday that my ex didn't ruin.

Adventure

Happy birthday CeciliaV. So sorry your AH ruined it for you. I haven't had a decent birthday with my AH since I got married, nor a decent anniversary, nor a decent Christmas, and the list goes on. I learned a couple of years ago not to expect to have a nice day with him, EVER, so I started organising my own stuff, with my family or my friends. That way I was never disappointed because they actually like me to enjoy special occassions!! If people asked me why I wasn't spending them with AH I would make up some rubbish about him working, or about him treating me the following weekend or something - problem solved!

As for holidays/weekends away/anything at all that I would look forward to, I cut these out completely. Not having these to look forward to is easier than the disappointment of looking forward to them, thinking this time will be different, and then having a crappy time. I have gotten braver over the last 18 months and organise stuff just for me sometimes - spent 10 days on a sun holiday on my own last year!!

Anyway, I've had to learn not to have any, and I mean any expectations of my husband and of him giving a crap whether it's my birthday or anything else for that matter. Look after you, and surround yourself with people who care, and you won't be disappointed.

Adventure

CeciliaV

Thanks for the replies & birthday wishes. I suppose you are both right - the lower I keep my expectations, the less chance I'll be disappointed.

I'm feeling like total crap today. I didn't fall asleep until almost 4am, and he woke me about 7:30am to tell me that he didn't feel well enough to walk the dog this morning & asked if I could do it. I had less than four hours of sleep and have a raging headache - jaw clenching from the stress has aggravated my TMJ...and sleeping on the couch didn't do my neck or head any good either. I told him how terrible I felt and asked if he could walk the dog or if it wasn't safe for him to do it, and he said he didn't trust himself to do it the way he felt & in this heat. SO, I plied myself with Advil, water, and coffee, and I dragged myself out the door to walk the dog.

He is staying home from work today - partly because he feels so terrible, and partly because he says he has more important things to focus on, like talking to me. I don't really feel like talking to him right now. Just a few moments ago, he strolled on up to me as I sit here typing, sat down across from me, and said "whatchya doin?" I just shrugged. He walked off, looking like someone just kicked his puppy. I'm not feeling terribly empathetic right now.

I'm going to do my best to focus on me today, to focus on deciding whether I go on this getaway weekend by myself, to focus on what the hell I need to do to make things better for me. I'm going to try to let him work on himself by himself, since there's obviously nothing I can do or say to change things for him. I'm considering leaving him, although I'm frightened enough of what I would come home to if I left him alone for a long weekend, let alone if he was left to his own devices for a more extended period. I just don't know.

transformyself

My experience is that you can't go wrong here. It always gives me a clearer head and some sanity to be away from AH.

Happy Birthday!

CeciliaV

I'm a total mess. AH was getting ready to go in to work for the afternoon, and I lost it as he was saying goodbye and promising that things would be different. I didn't think I had any tears left, but they came in a torrent. He said it was going to be different, he was going to be different. That he wasn't going to lie to himself anymore, that he knows what he has to do and now he just has to do it.

I told him that I have to expect nothing from him so I can't be disappointed anymore. I sobbed like I have never sobbed before. Through my tears, I told him what I felt. I am miserable. I am not happy. I have no energy left. I am alone. I can't pick him up. I can't wonder if he's sober, drinking, hiding, lying. I can't do this anymore. He said he knows that it doesn't make it any better but he never intended to hurt me or make me feel like this.

I'm fighting back the tears now as I type this...I just stopped weeping and just barely got the ability to breathe normally back again. And he just called from work to check in and I had to tell him that I didn't want to start crying again. My eyes are puffy and stinging and my jaw is aching from crying. It doesn't have to be this hard. It shouldn't be this hard.

CeciliaV

Oh, and before the weepfest began, he said that he was so looking forward to getting away, getting out of here, getting a change of scenery. I told him I hadn't decided that he was coming along this weekend. Honestly...he makes me feel like this & he assumes that I'm gonna be all "yeah, let's go on holiday together, wheeeeee!" For frank's sake.

CeciliaV

Rawr. He just called me again to "check in." I'm not sure what he expects me to say to him. I'm not sure what I would want to say to him...actually, no - I know what I want to say to him, but I want to still respect myself afterwards and not stoop down to that level!! I want to cry, I want to scream at his selfish arse. But I won't. Or at least I'll try not to.

NYCDoglvr

My holidays got much, much better when I left the rabf. While I was with him nothing worked. Have you considered making a change?

CeciliaV

Yes. And it scares the bejebus out of me. And thank you for asking so delicately, I'm a bit fragile and weepy today!

I really have considered leaving him. I set my boundaries today and told him no more. He said the first honest thing he's said to me in a long time - he can't promise he will never fall/drink again. He followed it with "but it won't be like this anymore and it will be different" - that part, I'm not holding my breath for.

I'm the financial guru of the household, so I'm in a position to know what I can do fiscally. I know I can get a somewhat reasonably priced apartment (studio or 1BR) close to work, and that will keep my travel/gas costs and dog daycare costs lower hopefully (he's OLD so he goes in for daycare daily...if I get a place close to the facility, I can maybe keep costs down by having them or someone else just walk him instead). I know I can do it financially. I actually just worked out the numbers - if I went out on my own and he took over the condo/mortgage, and if we stopped contributing to the extra targeted savings accounts I set up for us, then we can both make it...IF I find someplace for $800 or less/month that includes heat & allows 40+ pound dogs. We'd split our savings accounts so we both have some cushion. I'm not interested in squabbling over money, even though the only reason we HAVE those accounts is because I set them up...and also my parents are always too generous with their gifts to us.

Worst case scenario, I can scale back a little on my extra 403(b) contributions at work and nix the voluntary/non-matched contribution I make...netting me about an extra $150/month wiggle room after taxes. As it stands, I have about $100 wiggle room, and that's with budgeting for setting aside small amounts for savings, misc, and spending money. And knowing my husband and his spending habits, I GENEROUSLY calculated the "misc" and "spending" categories for him...he's got a higher income than me, but he also spends a LOT more than me and he will have to spend a lot more on mortgage/assessments than I will on rent. I know we can both do it money-wise. But that's the easy part of it all. Figuring out the emotional part is tough.

I hate to give up on him, but in a way, I have to in order to protect myself from continuously getting hurt. I don't want another birthday/holiday/ANY day ruined through no fault of my own. It's up to him as to whether he makes the change...either he does, or I will have to.

LaTeeDa

There was I time I looked at it this way, too. If you are really honest with yourself though, you may find that it's not so much giving up on him as it is giving up on your ability to make him change. As it turns out, that is a positive thing to give up on.

L

CeciliaV

You're right - I have to give up on thinking I can make him change...I kept telling myself I couldn't, and logically I know I couldn't. And then I'd find myself having a "meaningful" conversation with him, trying to explain to him the situation and what it's doing to him, me, and us. There really is no "us" left anymore. I cringe when he brushes his hand against my arm or tries to kiss me on the cheek or forehead (he gave up on trying to kiss me on the lips since I made it obvious that I didn't want him to). I feel nothing romantic for him at this point. The man I fell in love with is gone. I'd like to think that he's under that alcoholic mess somewhere and that he may come back someday. I'm just not sure I'll be there to see it.

Ugh. I read back what I just typed out and I'm beginning to wonder why I'm here right now and not leaving already. I really don't even know. I'm holding on to the memory of what he was and what we were. I just don't know that I'm ready to move on and let him be. Until I figure out if/when that time comes, I have to start focusing on me more and less on him. Oh jebus, I need some hugs right about now. I feel the tidal wave of tears coming back...and my eyes were just about un-puffed, ARGH!


And OMG, this is totally the graphical representation of the cycle I'm going through right now:

LaTeeDa

:ghug3

Bluebonnet1

I can relate to everything you have said today. happy birthday! I'm so sorry he ruined it. Sounded just like my Valentine's Day this year. And I should be in Cozumel right now, enjoying my last night of a 4 night stay, but I made xabf leave 2 weeks ago and we cancelled it.

IMHO, when you get to the point of saying that you can't do it anymore, you no longer want to wonder all the time if he's drinking, you've crunched the numbers, then you are more ready to leave than you think. It IS hard letting go of the dream...L2L and I commisserate over that. I feel desperately alone tonight, but I was to the point where a single day didn't go by that I didn't wonder if I'd come home to a drunk. Who was likely going to accuse me of cheating.

Stay strong. Read about detachment. Figure out what's best for YOU. Good luck!

CeciliaV

Well...update is that we're both going away this weekend. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Being out in the middle of nowhere in a log cabin sounds fantastic and I could use the peace & serenity & change of scenery. It's a big log cabin and a big property, so if I find I don't want to spend time with AH, then I don't have to - we both have plenty of room to roam separately. I'm just going to take it one day at a time...hell, one moment at a time!

jessiec

Happy birthday. Mine (last week) was somewhat ruined too -- my now XABF got very drunk and jerky the two days before. The night before my birthday -- after a very ugly scene -- I left and will never be coming back.

Terrible timing. But great timing too. He will not ruin one minute of this precious year!

Learn2Live

I could not go to a log cabin in the middle of the woods with A&AXBF because there would BE no peace or serenity. He would just be hyper, bouncing off the trees, talking non-stop about HIMSELF, never settle down, never shut up, never a moment's peace.

CeciliaV

well, got back from the long weekend today, and it actually went pretty well. It was a little weird...we didn't talk about "heavy" things much (barely at all, really) and we both just relaxed in the quietness. Took hikes, walks, bbq'd, rested, read, etc. It was nice to just BE for a couple of days. It was almost normal. I started to get a little upset when it was time for us to come back, because that meant going back to "real life" and real stresses. I'm just going to take one day at a time from here on out. I am not counting on him changing or magically getting better. I am reservedly hopeful that things will get better, and that starts with me taking better care of me.

Adventure

Oh Cecilia, I used to cry on flights on my way home from holidays. And our holidays weren't even that good. But I really hate that back to "real life" feeling. Escape, even for a few days, always feels so good!

Mind yourself
Adventure