Fallow

Seems I cant stay sober more than a day or two.

Everything and everybody is on my nerves.

Wife driving me crazy. Compliaining constantly and nagging about stupid stuff.

Try AA 4th time I dont fit in there. Im bored by shares and Ive already read the big book so much its silly.

Two of my old friends died within the past week.

Got raccoons in my backyard and a million things to do.

Top priority is staying sober but I cant seem to get it done.

When the stress hits the beers start flowing.

Im pretty much ready to give up the fight.

Just posting this to remind myself later if I ever actually achieve sobriety...

Sheesh

DisplacedGRITS

Welcome to the forums. For me, i had to work it minute by minute at times. I'm sorry for the loss of your friends. I understand that's a difficult and terrible thing to go through. Just don't let the damned raccoon be what drives you to drink, ok?

In all seriousness, you can always find an excuse to drink. There's plenty out there and always will be but they're just excuses and nothing more. We're stronger than that. You can't change a lot of what's happening around you but the one thing you do have control over is your decision of whether or not to drink. Don't worry about the long term. Don't try to contemplate weeks or months or years or sobriety. Just don't drink today. Don't drink this hour. Every day. Every hour. It's your decision and no one but you can make it. We'll be here to help. Welcome.

karilynn27

I'm glad you posted, I lived on SR for my first 3 months. I was white knuckling it. I had to do it one breath at a time. I found alot of people who knew how to get me through those days and get me to where I needed to be.
Hang in there and hang around. Search the threads.
Keep posting and glad you're here.

Fallow

Thanks DG.

Yeah Those silly raccoons arent a good reason. Nothing is.

But I always find one.

These deaths are taking a real toll on my emotional state. They were both old drug using alcoholic friends... I have all this fear sadness guilt wonder and questioning going on. What really happened?

One seemingly died of alcoholism and obesity the other of an aneurysm.

I cant even count on two hands my deceased friends @ 33 years old.

Makes me question how long am I gonna make it

Huey

If you don't feel that AA is for you (Although a fantastic fellowship, It wasn't for me) google Rational Recovery. There are many other methods of tackling alcoholism.
Good Luck.

DisplacedGRITS

Have you been to a doctor recently, Fallow? It's always a good idea to get checked out when you're starting out early in recovery to deal with any underlying health conditions that may be there. It's scary as hell but not getting checked out doesn't make the problems go away of course. Just remember that as long as you're breathing and your heart's still pumping, you're not too late to make a positive change in your life an health. Every day sober is a step towards better health and a life with fewer complications due to alcohol and drugs. It's only a day but what a difference those days make when you string them together.

Taking5

Fallow,

Have you ever been to a big book study meeting?

In discussion meetings it seems that anything is game - regardless if it has to do with the steps, or with getting or staying sober. I too get quickly bored with these types of shares at an AA meeting and frankly, these meeting do not help me. For this reason, I love big book or step study meetings, which are much more grounded in the solution found in the first 164 pages of the big book.

Sapling

I'm really sorry about your friends....And I'm really sorry you don't fit in AA....You sound like a perfect fit to me. I hope you find something that works for you....If you are 33 and you can't count your deceased friends on two hands...You know what this disease will do to you....That's good to understand. If you can't find something that works...And you feel like you are getting close to all these friends of yours that keep dying from this....I'll tell you how this hopeless alcoholic got AA to work for me.....I worked it. Instead of trying to do AA....I did AA....Instead of reading the Book...I did what was in the book....I listened to shares whether they were boring or not...Because I never want to miss that one thing that will keep me sober another day. As long as you are done with AA...At least thank your sponsor for trying to help you as you leave. Good luck to you Fallow....I hope and pray you find something.

hypochondriac

Don't give up Fallow!

You know, I never figured out how AA could get people sober. It's just a room full of people right. But then I never got how people didn't get sober with SR. Just because that's what worked for me. But then none of these things are magic wands. I think they're just there to support you when you decide to quit. SR is just a website, it can't stop me from picking up a drink and drinking it any more than AA can.

Maybe write a list of things you have tried to do to get/stay sober and a list of things you haven't tried and start ticking them off as you go along. I bet there is a ton of stuff you could try but haven't yet. Maybe stuff like posting on here every day to keep you accountable, AVRT, finding one thing to be grateful for every day, SMART...

I'm sorry you have been having a bad time. Life really can be a sh;tter sometimes. But alcohol will always manage to make it worse x

soberbrooke

Don't give up on AA just yet. Call someone from your meeting and talk to them about what you just posted. I felt the same way at first. I didn't fit in with all those other drunks! I am not like them!
However, when I really look back, it was more like, I didn't want to be like them!! I didn't want to fit in with all those other drunks!

However, I am a drunk, I am an alcoholic!

effortjoy

I used to drink when my husband drove me crazy. I used to drink when my kids stressed me out. I used to drink when I felt stuck on a project at work. And you know what? It helped for maybe a half hour. For a half hour I didn't have to deal with life. But the next twelve hours afterwards just made life twice as stressful. Alcohol doesn't help us with stress. It just creates more stress. Wish I could have really listened to that years ago. What is that definition of insanity I once learned? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results

IndaMiricale

I am sorry you feel that AA is not for you also. And as far as reading the BB many people do just that read it like a textbook. But you can read it till it falls apart, until you apply anything in there it does no good. As some say that is why there are no pictures in it, because if you work what it says you will Get the Big Picture.

Also you only went 4 times, and came to this decision. I dont know about you but it took more than 4 times of drinking to get real good at it. Bring the body and the mind will follow.

Whatever path you choose best wish to you.

TTBABP

Fallow - I am truly sorry about the death of your friends. Do not let the same thing happen to you - the people who love you will certainly suffer. I lost a loved one to alcoholism and depression and it is just awful.

Your life is worth living and worth living well and sober. Good luck

Zee

I read on here somewhere that someone used to take their knitting to AA. I'm not suggesting you take up knitting of course.

I don't do AA (yet) but I reckon just rocking up there and getting a sober 'vibe' can't be a bad thing.

Fallow

If I gotta take up knitting to get sober Im willing. Appreciate all your responses. No I havent been to the doctor since a minor surgery 6/7 months ago. I wanna get checked out but Id like some sobriety first I keep tellin myself. Yes Ive been to AA big book study which I did like. I meant Ive had 4 attempts at Aa, Ive probably been to at least 100 or so meetings. I got the wrong sponsor things didnt work out on and on. Guess I gotta find willingness to go back!

I surely have suffered thru these deaths the past few years. So far 3 this year.. All of them alcohol or drug related. Sometimes it scares me away other times I say 'whats the use anyhow'. Hope I can get my emotions sorted.

Zencat

Until you find the willingness to get back with AA, there a host of recovery tools to use and help you out right where your now.

Have a look at these resources; SOS, LifeRing,
SMART, CBT, DBT and AVRT Each link provides information and instruction for getting and staying sober. Along with the support you can get here at SR, having a recovery tool box will help even more.

Sapling

On a positive note...At least you have an idea why it didn't work. I only recommend it because it worked for me...And nothing else did. I wasted a lot of time trying to do this on my own...I just celebrated a year without a drink after 35 years of drinking.....Daily. Do whatever you have to do to get alcohol out of your life....Nothing good comes from it.

2granddaughters

I strongly suggest you go back to AA and surrender.
You change to fit AA... AA doesn't change to fit you.

Alcoholism isn't a G.D. game. I think you are coming to grips with that.

Remember the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic.
One thinks that 2+2=5 and believes it.
The other knows that 2+2=4... and can't stand it.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Veritas1

Fallow,

I know what it is like to feel like I have read the book and what could be different, or even to get tired of it. How many times to go over the same chapters!

But like Sapling said, I have read it many times, but rarely did all the book asked of me.

I did some of the steps.

I don't know if I would do all of the steps, if I would be recovered or not, Fallow.

I am just saying that it might be something you consider.

Have you, like I, done some of the steps, and what the program calls us to do?

You don't have to answer.

Don't give up Fallow.

Never give up.

Fallow

Wow you hit the nail right on the head. Im definitely coming to grips with that. See ever since we were all kids my friends and I seemed to think we could beat the game. The smart ones got out, and the unlucky ones are now dead. I know theres no beating the game but yet I still play.

I remember when my first close friend died in a drunk driving accident. I was mad at the world, stayed home alone drunk for a week straight. The signs were all there to stop. As one after another left this world I just became more numb to the reality. Now I feel like Im just used to those feelings I never dealt with in the first place.

Somehow I always felt nothing could ever happen to me.

Its time to face that lie.