FindingErica

This is actual text from AH today (with some info alters for privacy). I need to know if he sounds sincerely is manipulating because it is this stuff that reels me in good.

"Wouldnt you agree that my recovery is priority #1? I can't function without being sober and clean, it's 29 days now. Priority #2 and #3 is my marriage to you and my kids. I have a illness that I'm working on. You said get clean and fix my health issues before i come back and That's what I'm doing. There is no work in the burbs but *downtown (nearby city to me) I've been checking daily. I want to come back but I can't live with ppl that drink and party. (referring to friends he could live withhere)*I start this new job buts it's on the far west suburbs of (city he's in) I drove it two days ago. It's 53 miles from where I live. so I want to move to a clean house in (area near new job) that's closer. *I need to stay here so I can work on my illness, before I come back to (my town) Please pour out all the hard liquer above the stove it's poison. I need to start this new job so I can generate some income. Help me help you! I know I have many responsibilities and committments but letting me stress about bills and becoming homeless is not helping me!!! I love you so very much and I want to come home to you an the kids so bad it's killing me.

It went on like that but you get the gist. He sounds sincere an repentant. Unfortunately he has worn down and wore out my trust, emotional energy and all I have left is for my kids. But is he being honest or manipulating me?

oooopps

((FindingErica))

have you received this kind of text in the past? if so what was the outcome?

SundaysChild

He could be being honest. He could be manipulating. Trying to get inside his head is impossible and will make you crazy.

You've set your boundaries-stick with them. Time will tell.

If he's being honest, the time won't hurt, and he'll be able to prove to you that he's acting in good faith.

If he's being manipulative, that will show up soon enough- you'll get another text asking for money, or whatever.

Doing nothing is an option.

laurie6781

I vote manipulating.

It is apparently a fairly decent sized city, so he can donate plasma twice a week and
get some money for gas, until his first paycheck.

If it were me, I would politely explain that The Bank of Erica is closed.

It is HIS PROBLEM. He has to FIX it. One more time he wants 'mommy' to cough up some cash.

Now you know how 'sincere' he can sound. He has done this to you before, and then you want to kick yourself.

Might I also suggest that if you get a text from him, or an email, or a phone that is not asking about your kids, then delete or hang up immediately. Or if it starts out that way and then turns to this stuff again, delete or hang up.

It is going to take a minimum of 6 months to a year to even see a 'glimmer' of what direction his 'actions' are headed. What is coming out of his mouth, or off the tips of his fingers is QUACKING.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

FindingErica

I already did, this was 1/10 of what I received today, this was the tip of the iceberg. He is asking for money, a lot of it. About 3k when I add all his demands and I said no. Then I stopped reading and responding. I told him if he is that concerned about the credit cards then he should go to a credit counseling agency.

He said he wants to move back home and love me and the kids the way we are used to. I don't know what that means anymore, since I am used to acts of kindness interspersed with demands and emotional abuse. The kids are used to being ignored and alternately spoiled.

SundaysChild

If he's asking for money, it's manipulative. Stand your ground.

oooopps

this should not be coupled with a demand for $3K.

FindingErica

I ignore and ignore then argue and finally give in. My initial reaction is usually a panic attack followed by severe depression and anxiety that lasts for hours. It takes him about three tries over a couple days before I can emotionally handle his texting and respond. This is a sad truth that is hard to admit. Once he starts up with me it goes on and on until I give in or start ignoring him again. This intense pattern has only been going on for 6 weeks since I found out how bad his addiction had gotten and started deciding to leave him. Of course I am already conditioned from years of marriage to feel anxious and obligated when I see a text from because a lot of his texts were demands or interrogations

Zoenob

Sounds like blackmail to me.

"help me help you"- code for if you don't help me then you are making me homeless and it will be your fault.

"letting me stress about bills and becoming homeless is not helping me!!!"- code for you are being a controlling witch.

Seems he is threatening you with thoughts of him being homeless, pulling on your heart strings.

Just my opinion.

LoveMeNow

The term "illness" that he uses is puzzling to me. NA and AA speak specifically about addiction as a disease not an illness.

My husband wanted to come home too. I was glad but many here warned me. I kept asking..why does he want to come home, he has the money, the drugs, I am a buzz killer....why does he want to come home so badly. I thought it meant he just couldn't live without me, lol, but it was more about protecting his addiction, I was told and believed. See, if he was home and things were back to "normal" for him, his addiction wasn't that bad, he would believe.

Just something to think about. Time is on YOUR side.

Zoenob

Oh I forgot

"letting me stress about bills and becoming homeless is not helping me!!!- code for
this is not my problem but yours, how dare you make me responsible. Seems like you got sick of stressing about it, and he doesn't like having to take responsibility.

FindingErica

LMN,

I don't believe my AH really wants to come home or he would have done so. There is nothing holding him there. He is losing his home and is not employed at this time. Truth is I don't want him to come home. I don't want to work on the marriage. I want him to leave me alone. When he talks about love, it feels like a noose of obligation around my neck chocking me. The only thing I want is for him to get clean and be a decent dad to his kids, for their sake. He is playing all the same cards my addict sister uses on my dad and I. It took me years to detach from her, and now he is playing the same records.

FindingErica

He was the one paying the bills before but I am not making funds available to him, so the ball is in my court. I told him I would pay only what was needed to support the kids and I. Credit cards be damned. He keeps telling me that if I don't pay the credit cards, then our credit rating will be ruined, he will never get a job and I will never get a dime of child support. I may never get a dime anyway at the rate he is going, so I am refusing to spend my reserves on the credit cards.

LoveMeNow

See, you are far stronger then you think and know.

Maybe its time to go no contact unless its about the kids?? But I hope you don't give him any money...keep if it for you and the kids.

Zoenob

Way to stand you ground! Good for you girl.

That is pure blackmail. Be strong and don't give in.

FindingErica

I am. My dad has offered to help if things get tight and is helping with the lawyer but he said he will not help if I throw money away on AH.

Katiekate

This sounds pretty clear, so just keep going, block him if you have to. You have made a decision, stick by it.



The only thing I want is for him to get clean and be a decent dad to his kids, for their sake.

This you have no control over.

If contact from him is causing you all of this worry and self doubt, maybe no contact is for the best. I know the feeling, contact from my ex always caused me more pain.

YOu sound so clear about what you want, that's awesome

SundaysChild

Cancel the credit cards so he can't run up more charges that legally you are responsible for if the cards are in both names.

Learn2Live

"Help me help you" is the definition of Codependency. Are you trying to change the codependent nature of your relationship? The addict does not like when you try to change that to a healthy way of relating. He will say anything to maintain the status quo. I think your children need that money, they are dependent beings. He is a grown man and grown men are fully capable of taking care of themselves 100%; I have personally seen this, witnessed it, and can attest to the fact that there ARE grown men with their own big struggles and problems who are capable of caring for themselves without taking money from babies and their mothers.

Whenever an addict speaks to me about their Recovery, I KNOW they are trying to manipulate me or get something from me that has nothing to do with Recovery.

Kindeyes

If you feel fearful, obligated or guilty.........stop.........these are feelings that will F.O.G. thought processes.

An addict will escalate behaviors to get his target (you) to do what he wants them to do. This is particularly true when the dynamic is changing.

Believe actions.....not words.

gentle hugs
ke