aeo1313

I have suffered depression my whole life. Hospitalized with an eating disorder at age 13 and again for depression at 17. Intensive outpatient treatment for eating disorder again at 20. During that time I also drank off and on, smoked pot off and on, and self harmed. As an adult I binge drank and this past year got addicted to opiates and was drinking more.

In my AA meetings i relate to what everyone says...sometimes not with alcohol as the answer though. A specific situation jumped in my ehad that happened 15 years ago. I didn't drink over it, but I self harmed. It seems I have always used SOME substance (food, lack of food, booze, drugs, self harm, sex) to cope with life and now that I am in AA my entire life seems to make a lot more sense. I guess it doesn't matter anymore "am I an alcoholic" bc regardles...I don't know how to live a healthy life.

I belong in AA. My methods have changed through the years to cope, but they have never been healthy. I have never used support in other people, or a higher power to live life.

desertsong

All of us in AA definitely earned our chairs. And yes, what you say seems to be true for most if not all of us ... that we always had to use SOMETHING to get us through the tough stuff in our lives. I think it is AMAZING that you're seeing that in yourself now - that is such progress!!!

AA will teach you healthy ways to cope and it sounds like it already has. The clarity you have now compared to a few months ago is astounding. So proud of you!!! :ghug3

aeo1313

Thank you! I feel the need to write down when I have these clear thoughts bc I tend to "forget" them.

OK- I was going to get off SR and go for a jog 2 hours ago. Instead I baked 2 cakes and kept posting see you after my jog!

Sapling

For me..It's not just about stopping drinking aeo...It's about learning to live with myself and others....Something I never learned to do while drinking. Call it what you want...A new life works for me.

Sapling

I could say that about you too DS....Just in the short time I've been here...Remarkable!

IndaMiricale

I will second that, and yes no matter how we got there we all qualified for the program.

artsoul

I think that's an amazing insight, too, aeo! Just being able to stand back and see things about ourselves is what gives us the power to change. Awesome job!

DisplacedGRITS

For me, taking meds, going to rehab, therapy, AA and the like is filling the hole in my life that i used to try to fill with alcohol. I think a lot of people who abuse alcohol are self medicating and that's what i did. Now that i have these other tools that serve that purpose i'm finding that i no longer need alcohol.

Thanks for the post. It's kind of funny to think about going to AA meetings for years upon years (hey, aren't we "cured" at some point, lol?) but i wouldn't have thought twice about drinking well into my old age. I now know i'd much rather be going to meetings.

2granddaughters

HOW IT WORKS says "even those with grave emotional and mental disorders do recover if they have the capacity to be honest".

When I first heard those words I knew I was where I belonged.
I knew that drinking wasn't my problem... it was the solution to my problem.


A guy came to AA and said that he "had a hole in his soul" ........
"How big is the hole?"
"Just about GOD size"


Could it be that this is what I've always needed? I believe it is ......

All the best AEO

Bob R

frances2011

Profound. I had a hole, I self harmed to keep it open.

For me, healing my soul hole includes sr, Recovery literature and stories, and my doctor.

She and I are having a philosophical discussion about whether I was born an anxious depressive person with tremendous coping skills, or whether my family of origin issues made the hole.

Either way, I am experiencing daily inner contentment and safety for the first time in my memory, since I started taking my medicine 10 months ago.

I am grateful for all the paths and people holding up lights that are guiding so many of us to health and happiness

Thanks for letting me share

Nostalgic

I feel the same way. All my life I've felt as though I was of this world, but never truly belonged to it. I felt as though I stood somewhat apart, on the outside looking in, at the rest of the universe.

Alcohol took that feeling away, but that didn't mean the problem was with alcohol. I know it's with me.

AA is the first place I've felt that I was truly an equal, a place where I don't feel I have to apologize for who I am. A place where I feel almost good.

All the best to you and I hope you find peace in recovery! xx

sugarbear1

My niece is out of the psych ward for cutting then suicide attempt. She turned 15 in that hospital. I know she's an alkie.....

The docs are giving her several meds. She was recently texting a friend about her attempt and texted back something like, "I'll see how the summer goes, then I might try again."

It's sad. If the medical community could see a link.....and the child has yet to begin drinking.....

I found something I wrote at the age of 17/18 and it's now clear to me I've always been an alkie....

Stay stopped, aeo, you're worth it!!! Life gets better!

Sapling

I heard a guy talking about this...He said...Would you ask someone that goes to church if they plan on doing that the rest of their lives?....Probably not...I kind of look at AA as my church...I love going to meetings. I can be in a complete funk...And a meeting will take me right out of it....Every time.

2granddaughters

It's my daily bread ....

Michael66

That's great aeo. You're sounding settled and at peace. That's cool.

IndaMiricale

Indeed I go to meetings because its now home. I go when I am happy,sad,busy,lazy ect. No matter how I go in I always come out the same, I feel serine and just good.

soberbrooke

I felt the exact same way! I didn't realize that all I needed to fill me up was contact every day with my Higher Power. I filled myself up with alcohol for too darn long. My Higher Power is so much more fulfilling. I get so excited thinking about it that I want to share it with everyone, especially my drinking friends, but I can't. They are not ready.
I remember the first few weeks I was in AA, I kept saying all my friends and my boyfriend need to be in here, and all I got was keep focusing on yourself. I was still in the focusing on them part. When I finally became the center of my universe and started focusing on Me, that was a huge breakthrough for me. Then my Higher Power came back into the picture and it has been smoother sailing ever since.

I just got back from a BBQ with some AA friends, and had a blast. I didn't really know I could, as I haven't been social yet. I have done everything with alcohol, and I mean everything. Was a refreshing day, this 4th, to be able to go to a BBQ, and come home, and not pass out from being hot and drunk. I still have energy to weed my new gardens, NOT!!!! But you get the point.

I am so grateful to finally have gotten it, that I just want to shout it out to everyone!

Sapling

Glad you got out and had some fun soberbrooke....That's awesome!