TanyaScared

This comment is one of the most disturbing that I have ever heard, but you know it shows exactly what is wrong with families these days, and why some people should never have kids, or be allowed to adopt.

I wish my kid (who uses drugs/alcohol) was 18 and I could kick her / him out.

Minor children are the parents responsibility; if your kid is screwed up its my opinion that when they turn 18 you shouldn’t have the privilege to say ‘not my problem’. Take some responsibility parents, don’t expect the rest of society to make up for years of neglect, or bad parenting on your part.

tjp613

:x

EnglishGarden

Tanya,

You are presently under the influence of an active drug addict and your thinking is distorted, so speaking for myself and perhaps for most of us here at SR, I am going to let your words sit, with no comment.

PrayingMama

?? I think I'm missing something here...so I'll just gently suggest that such comments sometimes can be made in anger, defeat and desperation, as well as by people who may not have the skills or resources to reach out for help.

Some families are profoundly toxic and dysfunctional, no question there. But the brutal nature of addiction in the family can drive even the most enlightened to despair, at least temporarily.

HopefulGF65

You are correct about one thing - parents are responsible for their children as minors; however, what if, as a parent, you have done everything in your power to help them out of addiction - countless sleepless nights of worry, despair, crying, spent every penny on counseling, programs, etc. 'til you're broke, missed work, canceled plans, lost friends, became ill from all the stress, been lied to, stolen from, maybe even abused (yes, children can abuse parents) - and they continue to use, continue down a path of destruction. Are you as a parent supposed to walk yourself into your own grave because that's exactly what you will do. You can only do so much whether it's for your child, spouse, partner, sibling, or friend. It is ultimately up to the addict to take control of their lives.

Have you read the heartwrenching thread of TJP here? You don't have to know her story to literally feel her pain and sorrow of years of trying to help her children.

There comes a time - and yes, it is very different for each one of us - when enough is enough. You have to let go and choose to live over dying. Because you have finally learned that you cannot make that same choice for your child once they fall victim to this dreadful disease.

I will say there are plenty of instances where parents are just not involved enough in their children's lives, drugs or no drugs, and the shift of lack of discipline is an issue BUT that is an entirely different topic and certainly not what you will find here in this board. I'm not a parent so I will never truly get the fierce unconditional love of a parent/child relationship but I was the girlfriend of an addict who I gave unconditional love to and it broke me to the point where I had a few moments here and there where I wasn't sure if live was worth it.

So, if you've done everything you can and that feeling I just mentioned becomes your thought process, are you still supposed to continue like this?

Detachment and tough love are the saviors for parents (and other loved ones) who have fallen victim to their own addiction (co-dependency). Once you've gone through this hell, you will truly understand that.

aasharon90

I am very grateful that family stepped
in to get me help while my kids were
young. Even tho, in the back of my mind,
I never wanted to hurt or abuse my little
ones like I was, going into rehab for my
alcoholism was very helpful in raising my
babies to get thru the most important years
of their life. Childhood.

A program of recovery guided me in rearing
them with good morals and values that was
instilled in me and helped them form a good
foundation to begin living their lives upon when
they left home.

I know in my gut, I didn't get them where
they are today alone or by myself. The Man
upstairs gave me those two little gifts to raise
to the best of my ability along with other
family members and the reward was and is
2 healthy, addiction free, smart, loving, talented
adorable precious gifts in recovery that I am
grateful for but can't take full credit for.

Thank You Lord. Thank you AA. Thank you family.

Windmills

I hope you find some peace within yourself.
Some of the most beautiful, amazing women I know are mothers of addicted adult children who have had to let them go to walk their own path. How do you explain parents with several children but one one who is addicted?

lightseeker

I'll say one thing - sometimes....even when children are brought up "the right way" they develop a problem with addiction. And after those children reach the age of 18 a parent can't step into their child's life withoug the child's permission.

I would love for the laws to be different - but they are not.

EnglishGarden

For any SR parent here who has been hurt by this thread:

Those of us who have some recovery are familiar with the word "baiting."

Baiting is an attempt by a person who is in denial and whose life is out of control to say something which inflames another individual.

Baiting is most effective when it hits a deep inner place of woundedness in the receiver.

Baiting is an unconscious attempt by the person whose life is out of control to detract attention from the core problem in that person's life, which is too overwhelming for that person to face.

Instead, the core problem is deflected by placing unfair blame or criticism on someone else who has not earned that blame or criticism. The bait is tossed, there is a reaction, and the core problem is thus avoided. The person who tosses the bait may even feel some level of superiority. Certainly addicts do. Addicts bait all the time.

Baiting is an unconscious intention to wound someone else and create chaos in order to avoid facing an overwhelming reality.

We who have been in recovery for several years know that baiting can sometimes devastate the individual on the receiving end.

For that reason, I am sharing this information about baiting, so any parent here who may have been wounded by this thread can perhaps understand why you might be feeling so wounded. If your painful reaction feels very familiar, it is because you have already been baited many times by the addict in your life.

When we get some recovery, we are better able to identify bait when we see it. And perhaps find some compassion for the person whose life is spiraling out control because of the permanent, lifelong, destructive disease of addiction.

farfaraway

When I was younger and had to live with my addicted sister, I used to wish my parents could throw her out! Like Hopeful said, there comes a point where enough is enough. My parents got to that point too....

I have no children and for many years I absolutely didn't want any for fear of having one like my sister. There are three kids in our family, and it really seems to be basically a crap shoot how they end up! I'll be 31 tomorrow(!) so I have a bit of time... I FINALLY have the life I always dreamed of after years. I think if 'my addict' was my own child, it would be nearly impossible. I really admire you ladies

And I know from observing my own mother that having an addicted son or daughter - as opposed to 'just' an addicted friend, lover or even sibling - is a totally different ballgame. The compassion is more compassionate, the anger is angrier.

PrayingMama

Oh. Thank you, EnglishGarden, for explaining. I actually had no idea what was going on or why. Also didn't feel wounded or any other strong emotion, but now glad you posted all that for parents less oblivious than I am.

Kindeyes

It is disturbing. There's absolutely no doubt about it. And no one here would expect you to understand why that mother would say that......but many of us do......and we don't judge her. Perhaps because we know more of her story than you do......perhaps because many of us understand the damage that active addiction can cause a family.

Addiction is a dreadful disease. It can quickly take someone who was raised in a loving environment and turn them into someone that their loved ones don't recognize. It is a baffling and cunning disease that can damage all of the people around it. It is said that 5 - 10 people surrounding an active addict are affected. The people who are closest to the addict--parents, spouses, and children--are most affected. This is why it is often refered to as a "family disease".

Addiction has no boundaries. It doesn't matter how smart a person is. It doesn't matter how well educated a person is. It doesn't matter how young a person is. It doesn't matter how old a person is. And it doesn't matter what a person's income is. It doesn't care whether a person was raised in a loving environment. Addiction does not discriminate.

I hope you stick around and learn more about addiction and codependence. There is much to know and learn......

Part of the problem with society today is that drugs (including alcohol) are so accepted that addiction has become a pandemic. Part of the problem with society today is that acceptance of the unacceptable has become the norm. Codependence is excused under the guise of compassion.

There's a saying around 12 step rooms.......religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell........spirituality is for people who have been there.

gentle hugs
ke

Katiekate

Whatever Tanya, this issue with drugs and alcohol is a social issue, and a social issue has to do with everyone , not just parents, that means you as well. How dare you come here and mouth off , please let us know when you get your own ducks in a row, and come up with solutions to the problems that plague the entire population of the entire world. Your rudeness and sheer venom does not go unnoticed. I will pray that you find a way to come back and apologize to the all the members of this forum.

PS I decided to take the bait!

Learn2Live

Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

zoso77

Ummmmm...

Tanya, first you post about your ABF, and now you're posting about something else. Have you read the responses to your original thread?

No matter. I'll answer your comments by saying the stories that have impacted me most are those of women with children who are alcoholics or drug addicts. It's impossible to leave a Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting after hearing one of those stories and not be impacted. And we're not talking about just teenagers. We're talking about adult children who are addicts. I've heard stories about mothers having to get restraining orders against their sons. I've heard stories about mothers not bailing out their children when they're arrested. And since I don't have kids, I can't being to imagine what it's like for them.

This is a sweeping, broad judgement, one that not only shows willful ignorance, but a striking lack of empathy for the parents of addicts that post on this board.

The common element being your original post and this post is you presume to know a lot about addiction and its pernicious effects on those who love addicts. I would respectfully beg to differ. But, as with all of us here that have gone through a shared experience, you're going to have to go through it on your own. My hope for you is you open your eyes, your mind and your heart before you get hurt too badly.

God Bless, and have a safe Fourth of July.

ZoSo

story74

There is a thread in here that says "what lesson have you learned dealing with an addict" In 5 years from now I wonder what you will have learned from the addict currently in your life. You have no clue what you are about to enter...hang on!

Ilovemysonjj

I appreciate the information shared about baiting. I try not to judge anyone on this site, but it is always helpful if the post that starts a thread has a motive for feedback or experience or guidance, not dissension.
I find that if the post is offensive or I dont agree, I wait to see who will have another opinion. It appears we all are in the mindset that only someone who has had to make that difficult choice to "throw out" a family member can be. Mostly hopeless and devastated of the loss of a precious member of their family.

Vale

I could have bypassed lurking,posting,and all the rest if this concise condensation of SR wisdom into a few paragraphs were available to me
a few months ago.Thank you KE....for your writings and your wisdom.

oooopps

Very cruel and uneducated comment about addiction. Coming from a person who wants to marry her active drug addict because she LOOOVEEES him.

Sometimes we have to thank ignorant comments, for it sheds light on our own wisdom and experience.

stairs

I wonder how you will feel twenty years from now. Best of luck to you.