SW2012

Opinions and experience needed!!!!

I am dating an alcoholic. He goes back to rehab at the end of the month and has been going to group and to meetings. For the last week and a half he has not drank any alcohol and I was so happy for him. He was going to meetings every day and journalling. Well my 30th birthday is this Friday and my friend wanted me to go away with her. He got upset that I wasn't seeing him and ended up getting mad at me and started drinking at one. The drinking lasted until around 5 or 6 in the evening and somehow he got picked up and put in the "drunk tank" he calls it. Didn't get out til after 1am. I'm sort of confused.... he was doing so good so what happened?? Is it always going to be me walking on eggshells so I don't upset him and "make" him drink? Is this what I'm in for? This is a new relationship and I'm just not sure what to do.....

catlovermi

Is this the type of relationship you want?

CLMI

Looking4ward

This is a new relationship? I think he needs some time to get healthy, take stock of himself and decide what he wants to live for. This is a major time for him, he's literally redeciding what direction to take his life. Maybe he needs a nurse while he's going through these changes, but that doesn't have to be you.

KRA

Leave him. If it's a new relationship with no kids you haven't invested that much in him. He's more likely to get worse than he is to get better.

Tuffgirl

At first read of your post title, I thought this was going to be about your trip to the drunk tank! ; )

You don't make him drink. Don't ever buy into that. The disease makes him drink, and he looks around for a convenient excuse to blame it on. You were closest, that's all.

And you may have a guy who can't handle life nor have much coping skills. He may stop drinking but never quite gets to the emotional level you are at, where one can handle disappointment appropriately.

The best question to ask yourself now is are you in this relationship for him, as he is right now, or for the potential you think he can be if he gets sober?

I waited - thinking if only he would get sober...he did. It still didn't work. We are now divorcing, and my life has taken a very positive turn! It's a gamble, and if you are willing to take the gamble, please get into Al-Anon or some support group near by where you can learn how to handle the continuing roller coaster ride that sobriety brings. It's bumpy!

choublak

Why do you know so much detail about his recovery? That's his thing; the less you know, the better.

Galita

The meaning of that is ... If he find a stupid scusses to get angry ..he going to justifies that just to go and get drunk , you did nothing wrong , they're always finding wherever scusses to drink , one is they're always are angry , alcohol make a person always angry , they're just waiting for something ... To go and hit the ground ...( in mature people) ... Hope you can feel better , is not your fault ...
Take care girl ...

dandylion

Reread KRA's post.

dandylion.

Galita

Sorry for my English. But ..if this is a new relationship and you know he is an alcoholic ( sick) you need to read and understand all what you going to live with this guy , up and down , confusion,guilty(don't know why) tears, depression, impotent,low Self esteem etc...I'm so sorry what happened is just the beginning ...if you stick with him , you going to deal with all those things even who knows cheat or at the en you begging, apart of the insults .... I'm not trying to scared you ...I think everybody know this who has a familiar Or an Abf or ex .... Meditation is something good for me , just ask you question about how you want to live?
I believe you have a great hearth and good intentions but you need to think about you ..

SW2012

I only know what he has told me. He is trying to be open and honest about his past rehab visits and what he is going through. I do not pry or force him to tell me anything at all.

Sandy

jamaicamecrazy

He drank because he wanted to. He will probably always want to. He will always be looking for an excuse to drink. Hopefully if he works his program he will learn tools to help him cope with bad feelings or enjoy good times without the alcohol. He is not there yet and it will take a long time and energy for him to get there. Are you willing to wait for that? If you take the blame for this he will have you to blame for everything else as well.
Good luck to you.

allysen

He's lucky to have someone who is willing to try to be understanding of his addiction. However, don't let him walk all over you in the process and always, always, always make sure you have a way out (financial, a place to go, friends to turn to) regardless of how long you stay with him. Does his program have a family/friends component you could attend to educate yourself a bit more about what you're 'in for'?

Chrissy44

It is an ENORMOUS red flag if he doesn't want you to go away with your friend. Especially on YOUR birthday! You're entitled to enjoy your birthday however you want! If that is so upsetting to him that he ends up getting drunk and arrested, you can either expect to sacrifice your independence or deal with a lot more of his controlling/blaming/punishing antics in the future. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. His drinking is not your fault.

jessiec

In my experience, relationships that are rocky at the beginning (when people are usually on their best behavior) never get better.

Trilogy

Yes, you will always feel as though you are walking on eggshells as long as you believe you have some power in his decision to drink, but you are powerless! It is a liberating to realize this. He will always try to make you feel as though it is because of something you say, or do, or don't do that makes him drink. My AH just today told our 3 adult daughters that he will never get sober as long as he is with me.

Buffalo66

Mine told me his entire alcoholism was because of me at times, LOL...
I could not get him to stop drinking for 7 years. I had as much power over making him drink: ZERO

It is a trick and a trap, and at the start of a relationship, him going off the wagon because you took a night or two for yourself is a very bad sign