Learn2Live

Are you ignored by your A spouse or SO and feel he must not love you anymore? Has it been so long since you've been intimate that you feel you must not be attractive? Is he mean to you, snappy, or maybe threw something at you, making you feel worthless? Does he not come home at night, making you feel there must be someone else? Does he put all the responsibilities on you, stressing you out everyday? Does he ignore the kids or verbally or physically abuse them, making you fearful? Does he have to have everything perfect, making you feel you have to BE perfect, but then it's never enough? Does he twist your words or berate you so that he is always right and you are always wrong? Does he blame you for everything that is not working in your home and your lives, making you feel that you must be broken somehow?

If I do not share my side of things with SOMEONE who can validate my reality and my feelings, I swear I am going to go insane.

amy55

My answer to all of the above questions is a big "YES". I'm divorced now, and guess what, I found out that people do actually like me and love me. If my friends are going to be late, or if I am going to be late, we call, just so that the other doesn't worry. I don't have to be perfect, I only have to be me now.

I lived with all of the above for 25+ years, and it was h3ll.

KRA

I can answer yes to almost all of those too. My xagf was always berating me. Saying I was white trash, saying I ruined her life, saying I didnt make enough money. Twisting things so that everything was my fault even if I had nothing to do with it.

Shadydeal

Yes, this was much of my past life too. I was not married and do not have children which helped but now.....I am going to try to build my self esteem, learn from my s....experience and pray I never get involved in a mess like that one again. I take responsibity for my contribution and my mistakes but drives me insane....insane with a blame game and when people deny any role in the problem .

Learn2Live

It doesn't help that I was codependent in that relationship either. I got this from one of Dr Floyd Garrett's incredible articles:

"According to Cermak(1991), the defining criteria for codependency include: 1. Control of both self and others 2. Taking responsibility for meeting others' needs to the point of self neglect. 3. Distortion of boundaries related to separation and intimacy with others. 4. Enmeshed relationships."

Birdgurl

He told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore after my surgery for cancer. He said he still loved me, though. I have never shared that before. The pain of that pronouncement has colored everything in my world. Who will ever be attracted to me?

I am sorry L2L. I feel your pain.

lizatola

Somewhat familiar to me, but as far as intimacy goes I'm the one who holds back. It's hard to be attracted to someone who you're not, well, attracted to right now. The rest of it is quite familiar to me and he was like this while stone cold sober. I remember one time a few years ago how he blamed me and ds for the internet crashing on his computer. He came out of his office screaming, "You guys must be downloading something that's bogging down our system. Stop playing all those mahjong games, it must be that. Who knows what that kid is doing, too, he must be screwing it all up." UGH!!! And, you know what I'd do? I'd call the cable company to double check and see if there were any outages in our area and then I'd help troubleshoot it someway for him. There I go FIXING something that I didn't break and taking the blame for it, too.

Yes, I'm quite familiar with a lot of this. AH hasn't been like this lately mainly because we just don't talk anymore so I guess that's a blessing.

Oh, and he's never thrown anything 'at me' but he has thrown stuff, slammed doors, banged on countertops and doors to the point where you fear he's losing control, and he's been so angry at times that I swear his eyeballs were red. He would literally seem psycho.

I could tell so many stories but it's pointless at this time. I'm really working on detaching from his issues and how he attacks me or blames me or throws me under the bus, etc. and I feel so much more self confidence than I ever have in the past before. Thanks to SR and Al Anon!

GoingThrough2

L2L,
I spent 20+ years with him.
I am left with low everything imaginable.
I question everything and trust no-one and nothing.
I havent had s3x in 2 years.
I am crawling back to therapy, AA and now, new to me, Co-Dependancy 12 steps.
Hopefully this tail between my legs thing will cease soon.
Someday I will hold my head up learn and know that I am an amazing woman.
Thank You & God Bless You!
~GT2~

Chrissy44

L2L: It's not you. It's him. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I'm so sorry for all of the pain you must be enduring.

If he's physically abusing your kids, you need to do something for their sake. Call police, call child protective services, tell their pediatrician, tell your physician, tell their teacher, tell their principal, call a women's shelter. Your children need your help. There are people who are trained to help you. If the first person/people drop the ball, please keep trying.

Birdgurl: I'm so sorry. What a horrible thing to say to a cancer surivor. You deserve better than that.

I'm sure plenty of people will find you attractive again! Our own scars and "flaws" always seem bigger to us than to the rest of the universe.

My friends who are cancer survivors are the strongest, most positive, and warmest people I know. Those qualities are extraordinarily attractive -- and more important than physical beauty at the end of the day anyway!

I don't know the details of your situation, but reconstructive medicine and surgery today is amazing for a lot of people. Unfortunately for your guy's life, we don't have treatment to fix nasty personalities. I hope you don't let his crappy remark bring you down.

Lizatola: I'm glad he hasn't thrown anything at you yet. I'm worried for you that you sometimes fear he's losing control. Throwing things and striking fear into your heart are often the first steps men take on a path towards violence. I hope I'm not sounding too lecturey! I simply wish someone had told me that before mine got violent -- I honestly didn't know. Regardless, the pre-violence slippery slope red-eyeball psycho-ness is not an appropriate way to treat a loved one. I am so sorry you've suffered through that.

Learn2Live

Thanks Chrissy, no kids here so don't worry. Though he has children with his A&AXW and the parenting of them was non-existent on either side. I felt so sad for those kids, not being taught a single thing, getting yelled at for their bad behavior instead.

Learn2Live

Thanks for your shares everybody; it helps to feel validated. A&AXBF took off, leaving half his worldly belongings, left things out that he was working on just as if he died and never came back. It is eerie to walk into the garage or the shed and see the things he left, just as he left them. It's part of how I know this was a relapse and not what he said about me and the relationship being the reason he left. I wonder if he realizes that although he blames the relationship as his reason for leaving, he contributed to the problems we had by smoking pot or whatever and not paying any attention to us? No affection, no sex, no dates, no attention, nothing. It hurts so much to think of this man who I still love right now with some other woman, despite how our relationship devolved and my unhappiness with it.

It helps me, in trying to decipher all his words and behavior to read about addiction, alcoholism, and addictive thinking. I just read another one of Dr Garrett's articles and here is an exerpt that has helped me today:

"What kind of a world view is compatible with addiction? Almost any philosophy that does not include and will not permit happiness, healthy and balanced behavior, sustaining relationships, rigorous honesty with and about oneself, and some kind of spiritual connection(even though it may not be called that). Addiction thrives best in an atmosphere of unhappiness, resentment, alienation and estrangement, secrecy, mistrust and in most cases, ultimate despair of meaning.*And it cannot continue for long in the opposite atmosphere, i.e. one of happiness, emotional well-being, healthy relationships and genuine honesty. Serious addiction, therefore, necessarily points in the direction of an unhappy and dissatisfied world view, and away from the opposite, happier and healthier perspective. A happy addict is a contradiction in terms."

phoenixlady

I like the quote about a happy addict being a contadiction. I am also kinda in the same boat. Hubby left about 3 days ago and just calls occasionally to yell at me. do not know if there is another woman. Surprisingly I am not that upset about this thought. don't know if I knew he was if I would take it so calmly. At this point I am trying to focus on getting my life back together and enjoying the peace and quiet. Also now have time to pursure my love of riding my horses after 11 years of getting yelled at for riding them and yelled at for not riding them. Al-Anon has helped alot. His family wanted me to come to their BBq today but figured it would be better for all involved to just enjoy my day with my horsey girlfriend and then a quiet afternoon. May even give my old exercise tapes a try. Will probably make me feel better about myself. Wish I could give you a big old hug as I know these always help me. Even tho you need them alot just to get thru some days. You sound like a wonderfulch a smart woman so just work on yourself as much as you can instead of focusing on him. I know easier said than done.

fourmaggie

:ghug3

SoaringSpirits

I can so relate to what you wrote. My AH ignored me, stonewalled me, treated me like crap, blamed me for everything and yelled at our kids. The house was never clean enough, the meals were not creative enough. I was too busy. I was not busy enough. We still had sex, but it was sex for the sake of keeping him off my back (or front, LOL). He never, ever touched me affectionately outside the bedroom. It was so toxic and totally confusing. Only in getting out and getting clear of him could I start to see just how sick our lives had become as we all morphed around his addiction.

Guess what? AH now lives alone in a condo and it's a MESS and looks like a college bachelor pad. He never cooks. His version of dinner for the kids is take-out.

Google the "four horsemen of marriage" and read up on "the marriage killers." Withdrawal and stonewalling and criticism are #1 signs of a marriage that's going down, booze or no booze.

I am here to tell you that it's not you, it's him. Alcoholism is crazy, and crazy-making. You are the sane one. Are you attending Al Anon? I find that one hour a week of sitting in a room with people who 'get it' is really good for my sanity. Hang in there sweetie, you are not alone!

SoaringSpirits

Phoenixlady, I have been in the same boat! Among other things, AH blamed his drinking on my "damn horses." We are now separated, and I'm able to actually enjoy my passion without him muttering under his breath about how stupid they are.

At one point in counseling, he said he'd quit drinking if I quit horses, as in sold our farm, sold the horses, the trailer, the truck, the tack --- everything. What a quack! I told him if it came down to that, I'd pick the horses. And I did. At least they don't get drunk and blame me for everything.

Learn2Live

Sitting in the church parking lot for Al-Anon, 2 minutes before the start time, and there is no one here I really needed this meeting tonight.

Learn2Live

Sitting in another church parking lot. 5 mins before meeting start time. Again, no one here. So sad.

Carol Star

we aren't alone- we are all ONE

posiesperson

L2L,

The first sign that I'm feeling a relapse coming on is my self-doubt. Instead of going inward I have gone OUTward, putting my faith in something/someone other than myself and my HP.

And that means that the more difficult it is to meditate/pray, talk to my HP then the more I'm self-doubting. My first line of defense in that has been to pick up the phone and call my sponsor or a solidly-recovering program friend. After that I'm usually able to at least access a calming process that lets me get to the 3rd step.

Those days don't come around like they used to, much more time passes before I have a moment/day/period of time like that. I keep going to meetings regularly and have made time with my HP a daily need--just as essential as brushing my teeth or going to work.

You're doing great in taking care of yourself by being here! Sending you a big hug, and hopes that you find a meeting today.

posie

Learn2Live

Thanks Posie. Thanks for the reminder that I need to make time for my HP every day.