For anyone mourning a XABF

Old 07-03-2012, 10:03 PM
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Smile For anyone mourning a XABF

Hi,for the ones that do not "know me", I am tc999,

I left a XABF 3.5 years ago.

My pain while mourning was incredible and the worst I have had so far.I cried for more than a year and looked like a zombie and even entertained suicidal thoughts at some point.

3 quick tidbits of advice:

1 Remember:THIS TOO SHALL PASS and there is much life to look forward to!!

2 The book "The Grief club" by Melody Beatty was priceless, it was the voice of comfort I needed

3 Keep posting in SR and stick to NC, I stopped talking to his friends, and going to areas where we had gone together, avoided everything triggering

And nowadays I have never been happier, OK many days and many weeks SUCK, but I can recover more easily, I got no negativity around me to suck me in back into depression and self destruction.

I just went to the grocery store and the smell of alcohol of someone behind me struck me, he was an elder with very sad eyes. I felt bad for him and remembered that is how they end. That could be my XABF in some decades. But its not in my hands to "solve".

Same goes for a guy I was dating, he was very toxic in his thought, and I am glad I remember more often that the "realm of peace" I always look for is within myself, with nature and with true human connections, this for me has been the way to heal.... remembering I got my own plan and that I need health, energy to do whatever I was meant to do in my life, to give something back and leave this place a better one even if its a 0.00001%... that it matters & that MY LIFE MATTERS.


I feel very strong and smart today and wanted to share

Thanks all for all the wisdom I have found in this forum!
Tc999

:ghug3
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Old 07-03-2012, 10:12 PM
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You have come SO FAR, TakingCharge!! I am so proud of you!! I love reading your posts of buying your own place and getting out of that job that was just sucking the life out of you! You are a testament and inspiration of what hard work and taking care of yourself can do. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 07-03-2012, 10:17 PM
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Thanks so much for your post! Needed it tonight! I have other books by that author and love them! Will download tonight!
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Old 07-03-2012, 10:23 PM
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Very nice. Thank you for sharing your ESH with us.
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Old 07-03-2012, 10:24 PM
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Thanks suki, it only took 6000+ posts I remember your kicks in the a$$... even when sometimes one is too hurt to appreciate the honesty, in the long run it is the one thing that helps...

OMG I can't understand how I went through life without knowing what boundaries were... explains many things this forum keeps helping me everyday...
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Old 07-03-2012, 10:26 PM
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"The grief club" is about dealing with all kinds of change, there is one chapter dedicated to losing an addict... includes helpful exercises.
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Old 07-04-2012, 09:53 AM
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TC, you recommended the Grief Club in an earlier thread and I went out that day and bought it. I now re-read it and continue to work on the activities in the end of the chapters. So helpful!

So not only have you changed your life perspective and attitudes, you contribution has helped others change, as well. You are an amazing woman. I hope you know that!
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Old 07-04-2012, 10:10 AM
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So, so, so what I needed!!! I am 5 months out of a 20 year (gulp!) dysfunctional relationship and was having a mini pity party. For the first time since the split, I drove past his town. Actually found him, walking his dog. Got out to say hello (I was feeling very weak).

Thankfully, he was polite, but it was clear that he did not want to talk to me. I think that was God, protecting me. So, I quickly hightailed it out of there, and believe it or not, the self pity was less after I indulged my poorer instincts. It didn't crush me the way I thought it would.

It DOES get better, it DOES pass. There is more good than bad in ending this relationship.

Thank you for your post. I needed reinforcement. That's what SR is here for.
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Old 07-04-2012, 11:06 AM
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Thank you so much for sharing. I was feeling blue yesterday into today. As usual , this was very timely for me ...my HP definitely knows what information/inspiration to present to me! I have heard about The Grief Club on these boards quite often. Time to get it.
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Old 07-04-2012, 11:14 AM
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Thank you TC, I needed your post. Much love to you.
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Old 11-23-2012, 05:13 PM
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I am currently in the Mayan riviera having some wonderful days.

I am feeling VERY GRATEFUL for not living with addiction anymore. Because it is my observation that you do not live with a person anymore, you live with addiction itself.

And with an active addict you will ALWAYS feel let down.

Anyway, bumping my own thread to say I still feel HP saved me from worse, and that I wish no one the pain of seeing how addiction takes away a person you knew and loved.

My life has gone on, I have met wonderful people, and I know the nightmare is over. I know I will not suffer as much as I did. I am willing to be humble now, to share what I feel, to seek help.

Now I feel closer to HP than I have ever felt. I have more faith that everything happens for a reason. Clinging to anyone or anything (or to an idea) is no fun. I was a sick person when I found toxic people attractive and I feel healthier asking for forgiveness for all I met then, when I was a raging codependent.. I did harm to others as well, enabling their ways. I, just like them, knew nothing else but abandonment & loneliness.

Life gets so much better!!!!!! (or perhaps it keeps being the same way, only that you went through so much you can appreciate beauty and the good in the world more...? in any case, the peace & gratitude I feel nowadays is worth all the past.)
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:02 PM
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Yep, needed that. Thanks.
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:02 PM
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What a nice inspirational post for today. And I'm glad you are feeling much better!
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Old 11-23-2012, 07:28 PM
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Thank you so much for your post...I really needed it tonight
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Old 11-23-2012, 09:14 PM
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((TC)) - I'm so PROUD of you for getting through all you have!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-24-2012, 01:18 AM
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TC you are an inspiration & thank you for sharing your story.
It gives us hope & reassurance.
Thanks for sticking with SR too.
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Old 11-24-2012, 07:07 AM
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Thank you so much for that. I needed to hear those things today.
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Old 11-26-2012, 01:52 PM
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I recall when I joined and I felt it was the End of the World! codependency bottom...

There are many great adventures to live and to enjoy! my depression and then the codependency to XABF did not let me see that.. to actually LOOK FORWARD to life! I was busy clinging to my fears...

Thanks Impurrfect.. you have always been here for me.. and I hope I can be here for you, if only 'listening' and sending moral support I am glad you stick around as well, being a recovered alcoholic and sharing your views, I was able to forgive XABF, see his human side, and also realize his decadence was not going to be pretty or good for me... you helped me move forward and ŽunderstandŽhis condition better.

I truly hope he finds peace and heals his wounds, and be as brave as you are Impurrfect.



I came back from the beach and am so relaxed.. also saw some drunks around and did not envy their partners at all.. did not drink a bit and spent all my time taking pictures and even some videos... enjoying what I would discover and see, like a child. I am so glad this part of myself is back, this curiosity for inspiration and good moments for ME.

Its clear what addiction took from the guy I met and ŽlovedŽin my sick way; I just recently noticed what addiction had taken away from me. How can I not be grateful? I feel part of my soul has returned to my body LOL
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Old 11-26-2012, 03:55 PM
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I am glad you are doing well.
It is only after we have been set free from the world of an addict
do we come to realize the hell that was our life.
The sickness that is ours skews reality and actually makes us mourn for this past.
Sobriety for the addict is giving up substance.
Our sobriety is letting go of them.
Our sobriety is taking care of ourselves first.
Our sobriety is "taking the focus off of them and placing it where it belongs,
on our own lives."
For some that is changing the dynamics of the relationship.
For others that is detaching from the relationship completely.
But whatever the path that is right for you, recovery only comes with sobriety.
And sobriety only comes with change.
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Old 11-26-2012, 05:47 PM
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Very well said! soexchausted....

Takingcharge999 - your story is wonderful to hear, I needed it today. I feel like my world is still in the unwinding stage after 4 months of nc and not seeing my ex-abf. I slept last night after so many months of up worrying about everything. I do the wake up at 2am and sometimes never got back to sleep. Told myself last night enough is enough and he has not lost a wink of sleep over me. Hard to take in that the love I had was real to me but not a real person it was an alcoholic instead.

I look forward to feeling like you describe here after a lot of work! I know in the long run it will be worth the work.
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