DefofLov

I have definitely accepted the fact that I am powerless over the alcoholism that is afflicting my family and my life has become unmanageable. After figuring out that my way of trying to fix things does not work, I have *come to believe that a higher power greater than me can restore me to sanity.* Absolutely. I also believe a higher power has brought me through a lot of things. I have actually come out of my past on top. I am a very fortunate and resourceful person.


What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?

This question is difficult for me. I am not comfortable with the word God or Christianity. I am very agnostic. I believe a Higher Power is the universe at large. I believe that I don't have to carry my sorrow and pain all on my own. I can release it and give it up and let this higher power take care of it. I believe that a HP dwells deep within me. Within all of us. It is a higher mind that helps me ground myself when I go off course. It is present when I let go of my ego and I become one with my own existence instead of focusing on the past or the future.

What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?

My concept has changed when I fully realized that my way of coping with life does not work. I fully realized that I cannot carry my burdens alone and that I cannot deal with being alone in the universe without feeling connected to a HP.

Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?

Absolutely. I was forced to go to church quite a few times and I have gone on my own quite a few times as well. I do not like church at all. Christianity does not fit who I am at all. So, I have been distant from my spirituality. The thing about Christianity that does not work for me is that is triggers my perfectionist tendencies and I want to be a perfect Christian because there was so much emphasis on sinning and being nothing without God. After I broke away from Christianity, I have slowly over the years come to believe that I do not have to earn love from a HP. I carry it deep within me and it is never going away. I am just more aware of the presence now.

But back when I was trying to be the perfect Christian, I was not really enjoying the presence of a HP. I was just trying to be perfect so that God could love me. That was not healthy for me. So, for the sake of my own sanity I have had to branch away and develop my own relationship with and understanding of a HP.

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

I hope to gain relief. In a lot of ways, I am already relieved. I am letting go of my need to fix and control everything. I am letting go of my need to be perfect. Having an awareness of a higher power allows me to be present and realize that I am lovable and acceptable as I am. I don't have to be perfect to feel the presence of something bigger than me. It is *always* there and I can release my pain, sorrow, guilt, loneliness, and delusions to this HP and focus on the here and now. I can trust in the HP and know that things will work out fine instead of feeling crazy and like I need to make everything work out.

DefofLov

Now I know I am onto something here. I am even tempted to move on to Step 3 because I have faith today. I have unbending faith that everything will be fine, fine, fine. I have unbending faith that I am in good hands. I do not fully understand my Higher Power, but I have truly come to believe that it can restore me to sanity and tonight is evidence of that.

July 4th I was stood up by a close friend of my. She promised me we would go see the fireworks at the beach. She never showed up, called, or text me back. Now in my past, this would have made me feel so much despair. I would have cried my eyes out and felt like the loneliest person on the face of the planet.

Tonight I am not alone though. Even though there is no one else in this apartment with me except for my stuffed hippo and couch, I am so not alone. I am loved and appreciated by so many people and this is one incident that does not have to ruin me or suck the happiness out of my life. When I find out what happened with my friend, I will deal with it then. In the meanwhile, I am same, comfortable, and loved. I am okay.

I would like to thank Al-Anon, SR, my books, my hippo, my couch, and my HP for helping me build a stronger foundation within myself and for helping me to overcome abandonment issues and codependency. On this independence day...I can safely say that I have experienced emotional independence and I must say...coming to believe that a HP can restore me to sanity is a big part of that progress.

My heart is full of joy.

Love and Light,

Lily

DefofLov

I came to believe...

Came to...meaning that I have been through hell and back. Some of the hell, I was born into it and some of it I managed to create and allow into my life. It isn't just the hell that has brought me to this point. It was the bits of heaven that have fallen into my lap over time.

Monday, I experienced what I consider to be a miracle. After my Intro to Statistics class my professor drove me home. On the ride home, she asked me about my relationship with God. She was listening to Christian music and she really enjoyed this one song that was on the radio. She asked if I minded if she turned it up. Then she then begin to talk about her love for God. She asked me if I had a relationship with God. I began to tell her, but I kept it short. I said something along the lines of "I believe in a higher power."

I asked her about her relationship with God. I said, it seems as though she has a very strong faith. She told me her story. It was an incredible story. She suffered a lot early in life and in time she came to know Jesus. She then asked me about what I've gone through. She told me she could feel my pain. She can tell I had been hurt. She brought me to tears. I wasn't even sad and thinking about the pain in my life. But somehow, she could still tell that I have been through the ringer.

I am not sure that I have ever had anyone feel my pain so acutely before. I cried and cried. I was so touched. She held me and she cried with me. She prayed for me. It was an incredible experience. She asked me to accept Jesus into my life. I told her I do believe in a higher power greater than me.

I am not sure about accepting Jesus, but I can tell you today that I have truly come to believe, with all my heart, that a power greater than myself can and will restore me to sanity. In the past 6 months that I have started going to Al-Anon, I have felt more sane than I have my entire adult life.

Life is good. Life is beautiful. Even when things are tough. Even while I am climbing mountains, I am doing so with a newfound peace and an understanding that I will get to the top of that mountain. And I am not alone.

Love and Light,

Lily

tomsteve

wow!! what an incerdible story so far! it sounds like whatever your perception of your higher power is, its a good one and has put people in your life at the right time. call yer HP what ya want. all that matters is ya got a HP and it aint you and it seems to be woring.
please keep sharing your experience. its awesome for us to to read and experience your journey,too.

DefofLov

Thank you for your encouragement and support tomsteve.

I am so glad that I am doing the steps and I have given up my codependency and dysfunction. I believe things will just get better and better. I will definitely continue to share.