How did I get here?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
How did I get here?
You all know my story because so many of you have been there. But still I find myself wondering how on earth did I get here?
I have been living with an crack addict for about 4 years now. I didn't know it until well after he moved in. The puzzling thing is that he can stay clean for MONTHS. Our lives get SO much better. I am happier. Then, out of the blue, he disappears and is gone for 3 or 4 or 5 days. It has gotten worse lately. In the past year he has had his car stolen, pawned SO MUCH of his stuff, had his mom and dad send him money for drugs (guilted/manipulated them into it), he's come home unable to see for 3 days, the list goes on and on and on. He has a bad back - which he re-injured recently - so he does, honestly, hurt and have a hard time working which means I support us pretty much entirely. He does side jobs occasionally, but not nearly enough to cover his own expenses.
I finally drew a line in the sand. I told him he could NOT jeopardize my life anymore - if he wanted to destroy his own, I can't stop him. So last week he had ANOTHER relapse. He was driving around in a truck registered to me while smoking crack. I was following him (after I passed him on the road). I was able to pull beside him at a stoplight and told him to pull over and get off the road or I would call authorities. He refused. After multiple attempts to get him to pull over, I called the authorities. He was arrested. That is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
We have talked since. He makes sure I know how badly I screwed him over - although he was jeopardizing so many lives and putting everything I own, my home, cars, everything I have worked for in jeopardy in the event he hurt someone (civil suit against ME since I own the vehicle).
I am trying to take steps to extricate myself from the consequences of his addiction - although I have not kicked him out of my life entirely. I do love him with all my heart. He is a great man - he just has a SERIOUS problem. The truck is being transferred to his name, I am taking him OFF my insurance policy, I am making him responsible for his own expenses. He hasn't returned home yet and is staying with a friend. He keeps telling me he can't support himself because he is hurt. I tell him that he seems to have no problem paying for drugs. He says now he can't work because he has no license. I say he hasn't been working anyway so what's the difference. He says that now he's going to have to do a drug program and get drug tested weekly for a year. I say "Is that a bad thing - if, in fact, you want to get clean and get your life back?" He says he is going to have a ton of fines, I say, again, he was throwing at least that amount of money at drugs so what's the difference. If he completes a program he won't even have a drug conviction on his record!
I keep telling him to call his sponsor. He won't. I try to take him to meetings (I'm going to Al-Anon since there's no Nar-Anon here), he won't go anymore. I am trying to get my life back - taking my kids bowling, going to movies with friends, going to bbq's with family. Now I am the bad guy with all my "new found freedom" while he says he is there suffering.
His kids hate me (they are 13 and 17 - the oldest spent most of the past year in juvenile hall and has a drug problem of her own). His friends and family say I ruined his life - which I really don't care what the kids or friends think. Quite honestly, they are a bunch of losers I'd rather not be associated with.
I know I did the right thing. I took a dangerous person off the road and he is now having to face consequences. I didn't create his problem and I can't fix it. My problem is, I miss my best friend.
How long will he keep lashing out at me? How long will I feel so sad? This really sucks. I want my life back!
I have been living with an crack addict for about 4 years now. I didn't know it until well after he moved in. The puzzling thing is that he can stay clean for MONTHS. Our lives get SO much better. I am happier. Then, out of the blue, he disappears and is gone for 3 or 4 or 5 days. It has gotten worse lately. In the past year he has had his car stolen, pawned SO MUCH of his stuff, had his mom and dad send him money for drugs (guilted/manipulated them into it), he's come home unable to see for 3 days, the list goes on and on and on. He has a bad back - which he re-injured recently - so he does, honestly, hurt and have a hard time working which means I support us pretty much entirely. He does side jobs occasionally, but not nearly enough to cover his own expenses.
I finally drew a line in the sand. I told him he could NOT jeopardize my life anymore - if he wanted to destroy his own, I can't stop him. So last week he had ANOTHER relapse. He was driving around in a truck registered to me while smoking crack. I was following him (after I passed him on the road). I was able to pull beside him at a stoplight and told him to pull over and get off the road or I would call authorities. He refused. After multiple attempts to get him to pull over, I called the authorities. He was arrested. That is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
We have talked since. He makes sure I know how badly I screwed him over - although he was jeopardizing so many lives and putting everything I own, my home, cars, everything I have worked for in jeopardy in the event he hurt someone (civil suit against ME since I own the vehicle).
I am trying to take steps to extricate myself from the consequences of his addiction - although I have not kicked him out of my life entirely. I do love him with all my heart. He is a great man - he just has a SERIOUS problem. The truck is being transferred to his name, I am taking him OFF my insurance policy, I am making him responsible for his own expenses. He hasn't returned home yet and is staying with a friend. He keeps telling me he can't support himself because he is hurt. I tell him that he seems to have no problem paying for drugs. He says now he can't work because he has no license. I say he hasn't been working anyway so what's the difference. He says that now he's going to have to do a drug program and get drug tested weekly for a year. I say "Is that a bad thing - if, in fact, you want to get clean and get your life back?" He says he is going to have a ton of fines, I say, again, he was throwing at least that amount of money at drugs so what's the difference. If he completes a program he won't even have a drug conviction on his record!
I keep telling him to call his sponsor. He won't. I try to take him to meetings (I'm going to Al-Anon since there's no Nar-Anon here), he won't go anymore. I am trying to get my life back - taking my kids bowling, going to movies with friends, going to bbq's with family. Now I am the bad guy with all my "new found freedom" while he says he is there suffering.
His kids hate me (they are 13 and 17 - the oldest spent most of the past year in juvenile hall and has a drug problem of her own). His friends and family say I ruined his life - which I really don't care what the kids or friends think. Quite honestly, they are a bunch of losers I'd rather not be associated with.
I know I did the right thing. I took a dangerous person off the road and he is now having to face consequences. I didn't create his problem and I can't fix it. My problem is, I miss my best friend.
How long will he keep lashing out at me? How long will I feel so sad? This really sucks. I want my life back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
These are not relapses. Addiction is progressive. Addiction compels him to protect and sustain it, at all costs. Lies and manipulation are the primary tools used by addicts.
He's living off you and stole your car. He has no license and no way to insure it, yet you gave him your truck. What's up with this?
Since he is not bed-ridden he is physically capable of employment. There is no need for him to be employed when he has you and his parents providing for him.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober or cause him to use. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
He's living his life as he sees fit. Are you?
In the meantime, please get yourself checked out for STDS and secure your valuables including bank accounts, check book, debit cards, PINS and anything else not nailed down. The love of your life will steal everything and anything, if your allow it.
He's living off you and stole your car. He has no license and no way to insure it, yet you gave him your truck. What's up with this?
Since he is not bed-ridden he is physically capable of employment. There is no need for him to be employed when he has you and his parents providing for him.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober or cause him to use. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
He's living his life as he sees fit. Are you?
In the meantime, please get yourself checked out for STDS and secure your valuables including bank accounts, check book, debit cards, PINS and anything else not nailed down. The love of your life will steal everything and anything, if your allow it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How long will he keep lashing out at me?
How long will I feel so sad?
This really sucks. I want my life back!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
hi mfox,
i was in a situation similar to yours. i'm only 2 months out of the relationship (and really not even that long...i've only cut off contact for 2 and a half weeks).
"I have been living with an crack addict for about 4 years now. I didn't know it until well after he moved in."
Same thing happened with me. I didn't realise the extent of the problem until I moved into his place. he wasn't willing to 'let me move out' and when i bought my own place i had to move one night after work when he wasn't home yet.
"The puzzling thing is that he can stay clean for MONTHS. Our lives get SO much better. I am happier. Then, out of the blue, he disappears and is gone for 3 or 4 or 5 days."
This was also my experience. We would have an amazing month or two with no drama, no craziness, then he'd hook up with his drug friends at a bar because i was working working late and he was 'bored'. Then bam, he'd be back on the stuff. Then off of it again.
as for his lashing out, he'll probably do it as long as you are available to him. my ex spent almost 3 months screaming at me and sending abusive messages until i cut off all contact 19 days ago. he hasn't stopped emailing me a couple of time a week (we work together and i can't block his work email), but after blocking his phone and text messages, the abusive messages have stopped.
you will feel sad until you finish grieving the relationship. and the dreams you may have for it.
you might want to check out a therapy such as EMDR to deal with the trauma that comes with being with an addict. I just started it last week and already i am better able to handle seeing him at work without flipping into a trauma response.
i was in a situation similar to yours. i'm only 2 months out of the relationship (and really not even that long...i've only cut off contact for 2 and a half weeks).
"I have been living with an crack addict for about 4 years now. I didn't know it until well after he moved in."
Same thing happened with me. I didn't realise the extent of the problem until I moved into his place. he wasn't willing to 'let me move out' and when i bought my own place i had to move one night after work when he wasn't home yet.
"The puzzling thing is that he can stay clean for MONTHS. Our lives get SO much better. I am happier. Then, out of the blue, he disappears and is gone for 3 or 4 or 5 days."
This was also my experience. We would have an amazing month or two with no drama, no craziness, then he'd hook up with his drug friends at a bar because i was working working late and he was 'bored'. Then bam, he'd be back on the stuff. Then off of it again.
as for his lashing out, he'll probably do it as long as you are available to him. my ex spent almost 3 months screaming at me and sending abusive messages until i cut off all contact 19 days ago. he hasn't stopped emailing me a couple of time a week (we work together and i can't block his work email), but after blocking his phone and text messages, the abusive messages have stopped.
you will feel sad until you finish grieving the relationship. and the dreams you may have for it.
you might want to check out a therapy such as EMDR to deal with the trauma that comes with being with an addict. I just started it last week and already i am better able to handle seeing him at work without flipping into a trauma response.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
For what it's worth, it was HIS truck, but my name was on the registration as well. I am taking it out of MY name and putting it in his name ONLY. I am also taking him off MY insurance policy and told him to get his own.
He doesn't have access to any of my bank accounts and his name is not on my house or any other assets.
His back is bad - he needs ANOTHER surgery and can't afford it. But I told him that he is clearly capable of securing money for drugs so perhaps he should use that money to support himself.
I AM taking my life back - or at least trying to. Which is why he is angry. He is not living with me and I am not supporting him. I am focusing on MY life and my kids instead of him - which makes him angry. I told him I love him and I will be supportive in his RECOVERY but I will no longer continue to support HIM or his addiction. I am assuming that, given his recent statements, he really isn't anywhere near hitting bottom or making any changes - although I thought an arrest, losing his home, etc., might prompt him to rethink his situation.
Regardless, it doesn't make the sadness go away. It doesn't make him lash out less - more in fact. It doesn't make me miss the man I used to know any less.
I have had another addict in my life. My ex-husband/kids dad became an addict after our divorce. I helped get him into rehab (which failed) and ultimately he committed suicide. But, by that point, we were already so far separated that the emotional trauma was primarily that of my children and dealing with their grief over the loss of their dad - which is different than what I am dealing with now. But that is something that I still deal with my children about and the idea of going through it again is heart-breaking - although I know I have no control over it.
I guess I was just looking to vent a little and for any advice I could get. I am TRYING. It doesn't make it easy.
He doesn't have access to any of my bank accounts and his name is not on my house or any other assets.
His back is bad - he needs ANOTHER surgery and can't afford it. But I told him that he is clearly capable of securing money for drugs so perhaps he should use that money to support himself.
I AM taking my life back - or at least trying to. Which is why he is angry. He is not living with me and I am not supporting him. I am focusing on MY life and my kids instead of him - which makes him angry. I told him I love him and I will be supportive in his RECOVERY but I will no longer continue to support HIM or his addiction. I am assuming that, given his recent statements, he really isn't anywhere near hitting bottom or making any changes - although I thought an arrest, losing his home, etc., might prompt him to rethink his situation.
Regardless, it doesn't make the sadness go away. It doesn't make him lash out less - more in fact. It doesn't make me miss the man I used to know any less.
I have had another addict in my life. My ex-husband/kids dad became an addict after our divorce. I helped get him into rehab (which failed) and ultimately he committed suicide. But, by that point, we were already so far separated that the emotional trauma was primarily that of my children and dealing with their grief over the loss of their dad - which is different than what I am dealing with now. But that is something that I still deal with my children about and the idea of going through it again is heart-breaking - although I know I have no control over it.
I guess I was just looking to vent a little and for any advice I could get. I am TRYING. It doesn't make it easy.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You cannot support someone in their Recovery. It is a journey one must take alone.
I understand you are hurting. I am hurting too. The ONLY thing that has helped me the numerous times I have been hurting from a relationship with an addict has been DISTANCE. Physical distance and emotional distance. I have gone no contact except to discuss only those things we absolutey must discuss, and only on email. He wants to be "friends," and I refuse. And I accept that the person I fell in love with, the person who loved me immensely, is DEAD. Gone. And he is NEVER coming back. I cannot turn back the clock.
I understand you are hurting. I am hurting too. The ONLY thing that has helped me the numerous times I have been hurting from a relationship with an addict has been DISTANCE. Physical distance and emotional distance. I have gone no contact except to discuss only those things we absolutey must discuss, and only on email. He wants to be "friends," and I refuse. And I accept that the person I fell in love with, the person who loved me immensely, is DEAD. Gone. And he is NEVER coming back. I cannot turn back the clock.
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