Survivor1980

I'm glad I found this board. Hopefully I can begin to get the help I need.

My dad is an alcoholic and drug addict. He's been sober for about 25 years. He would go out on binges and not come home for days leaving my mom without money or food for my brother and I. She stayed with him and they just celebrated their 35 anniversary. He's much nicer to her now, although if anything ever goes wrong he still blames her.

Unfortuneately, like the children of so many addicts - I married one myself. In my heart I always knew he was an alcoholic, but I'm a codependant so I didn't care. I wanted to "fix" him, and by doing so I would somehow fix my own messed up childhood. If I could only make my marriage "right" then somehow everything in my life would be right. *sigh I was delusional.

So it's been 7 years. We have 4 kids together and he's finally decided to go to AA. This came after one of many night where he stayed out all night, spending up all of our bill money on liquor. I had had enough and told him if he didn't go to AA, I wanted out. So he went and was very happy that he did. He loved the people he met and he admitted he had a problem. A couple weeks later he relapsed, but he called his sponser and is getting back on track. I can honestly say I see a change in him.

The reason why I came here today is because for some reason his recovery has unearthed a terrible rage in me. I don't know why. I should be happy, but I'm angry. When he was drunk all the time and doing stupid things, I felt sorry for him. I would be angry at him, but I would never lash out at him because I felt like I was yelling at someone who was ill. It seemed cruel. Plus being angry with him when he was drinking was like being mad at a brick wall. Nothing I said or did was getting in anyway, so what was the point?

Now, the gloves are off. The last couple of days I have been so mean to him, I don't even recognize myself. When his drinking first started effecting our marriage, I was angry at myself for letting myself continue in the same dysfunctional cycle that my parents showed me. I blamed everything on myself and just sucked it up and did what I had to do for my kids while he was constantly unemployed and spending up my hard earned money on booze and cigarettes. Now he's sober and I'm angry at him. It's so backwards. Why wasn't I mad at him then? Why would all of the resentment and rage come out when he's finally doing the right thing? I'm so confused.

Before I left for work this morning, he told me that yesterday when I lashed out at him was "the worst day of his life". I feel terrible and justified at the same time. I don't understand why I did that to him. What am I going to get out of it? Am I pushing him away because he's no longer my "project"? Am I punishing him for all the years he mistreated me? If so, why now? Why when he's trying to get his act together would I make it so hard for him?

I don't know. I really don't understand why I am being so mean right now. I was just hoping for some insight from people who have been through the early stages of recovery with their loved one because I really need help right now. . .

MrsKing

It sounds like you've had a really hard time whilst you've been married to him. You are an amazing person for standing by him through everything. I can understand why you are suddenly angry - perhaps it's because now it's "safe" to let it all out? Now that he's in recovery, you feel as though you are able to get that anger that's been building up inside you for so long out. I don't think it is unjustified and I'm sure he must understand that. It is confusing that you are suddenly doing this now, but we are very complicated, and sometimes when things start getting better is when the emotions come out. I think also, relief can cause us to spill.

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I think what you're going through is very normal and understandable. I think, considering what you have put up with from your husband over the years, that he will able to take it.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, SUrvivor. First of all, let me ask if you have tried a few Al-Anon meetings? I started there first before I began posting here, and was 6 months into my own recovery by then. The program is very useful for us loved ones, and there are lots of opportunities to work on yourself to identify where the anger comes from and how to work through it.

I also recommend Al-Anon for any F&F (friends & family) with their A (alcoholic) in AA. Because Al-Anon is built on the same steps as AA, it is great to have this knowledge to have something in common with your husband as he works his recovery.

This is a traumatic lifestyle, and one you have been living for your entire life. Of course you are angry! It's not the anger that is the problem...its how you choose to express it that can become a problem.

A great book I read recently on anger: Earnie Larson's From Anger to Forgiveness. You can find it on Amazon, but no digital format - paperback only. It's an easy read with great examples and activities to follow.

Keep coming back!
~T

Survivor1980

Thank you Mrs. King for your kind words.

The thing is, he can't take it. He minimizes the effect his drinking had on me. He acts like if he didn't do anything today, then nothing happened. He lives in the now, quite literally. So he can't understand why I'm being angry at him for "nothing".

It really was a minor thing that sent me into a rage. I was bringing the groceries in and he didn't get up to help me. I went mental on him! All the years of resentment and anger came out at once. It was an ugly scene and I'm ashamed, but I don't regret it. I really needed to get it off my chest.

He hasn't spoken to me since except to say that I hurt his feelings. I apologized, but I'm not acting very sorry. I don't know how I feel right now. I don't want to argue with him, but I don't know if I have it in me to make up with him.

LuvMySis

Survivor, maybe it's because your husband is getting help for his addiction, but you're not. You are feeling bitter because he is somehow "special" for getting help, but YOU are the one who needs and deserves it, after having dealt with his addiction for so many years. I know I have felt that way. Keep reading on this site, and others will be along to share their experiences. This forum is extremely helpful.

Survivor1980

Thank you.

I want to go. I work during the day and my husband works at night and on the weekends. I don't know when I could go. We only have one car. The nights he's off, he goes to AA meetings and I'm at the house with the kids.

I know I need to go. . . desparately.

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family!

So glad you are seeking help for you ~ how wonderful that your husband is seeking help for him.

A "recovery" marriage can be a wonderful thing . . .

If you have the opportunity to try Al-Anon meetings you may find lots of help there ~ one of the Co-Founders of the AL-Anon program Lois W., (Bill W.'s wife) relates in her story after months of Bill's recovery, AA program & meetings - she threw a shoe due to her anger issues ~

I knew I could relate to that feeling & had found a place for me to heal from years of dealing with alcoholics & addicts

As we say in the program - Keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - YOU deserve them!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Survivor1980

*sigh. . . this is where the real work begins. Of course it's not about him. I've known that for a few years now. But when it's not about him, when it's about me and my needs - I feel like I don't need him. When I'm focused on myself, I don't feel love for him. It's only when I'm focused on him when I feel love for him. It's so sad and I feel awful about it. I don't know how to detach from him and still love him.

Survivor1980

This could be true. I've never thought about it before.

What I do feel is that it's always about him and his needs. When he was drinking it was about him and his drinking. Now he's sober and it's about him and his sobriety. It's always about him. It's never about me.

The few times he has taken care of me, I push him away. I don't believe him. It's like, "What's the catch?" I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop and I don't enjoy the attention.

Learn2Live

I suggest Al-Anon.

Learn2Live

Of course, the way to answer your own questions is to explore and as I said above, Al-Anon is excellent. And free. But I'll tell you, it's a process, and for me there were distinct steps in the process (aside from the 12 steps). First was to teach myself to stop Reacting. Then it was Detachment. The point is, you work on one thing at a time. It seems you have MANY questions, or many issues, and trying to look at them all at once, while you react to and analyze your own feelings. That is why Al-Anon meetings are so good, they help you focus on one of your issues at a time. They help you "get out of yourself" long enough to re-focus you and your own behavior.

One thing struck me in your post and that was your tendency to feel sorry for him. For me, that is the kiss of death. Once I feel sorry for someone, I am in full-blown codie mode. Try to recognize that feeling sorry for someone is really to disgrace them. When I feel sorry for someone it is just another way for me to feel superior to them. Try instead to feel compassion for him as another human being. Try to detach from him by looking at him as a separate human, not yours, for example, try stopping using the word "my" when describing him, such as "my husband" for a while. Practicing that helps me get emotional distance and helps me let go of the feeling of responsibility that does not belong to me.

Hope something here is helpful to you.

Survivor1980

Thank you.

I will take your advice. I don't feel sorry for him anymore, but I know what you mean. I have treated him like an inferior on many occasions. Even still, it's hard for me to feel compassion for him. I feel so wronged by him. I feel like I need some compassion.

Survivor1980

This is hard for me. Somewhere during childhood I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel the way I feel or that what I felt didn't matter. I need to give myself permission to feel things. I have to tell myself it's okay to feel angry or sad or resentful. It's normal to have feelings, even if they aren't happy ones. This is definitely something I struggle with all the time.

Learn2Live

Boy do I know how you feel. I've been through it many times. One thing that helped me when I went through this early on was reading Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I know a lot of people don't agree with her but her books really helped me when I had been hugely "wronged" by an alcoholic addict many years ago (I was DEVASTATED). The two books that stand out are, "How could you do that?!" and "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." I'm sure you can get them at the library or on Amazon for dirt cheap. Reading those books helped me to see that people are individuals and their behavior is more a reflection on who they are and what they did to THEMSELVES, moreso than a reflection on me or my worth. When a person does something immoral, they are doing it against THEM and their own Higher Power. I remove myself from the equation.

Another thing I want to mention is related to Detachment and what I was saying above about getting emotional distance from the A. When I detach from someone, what I am doing is un-enmeshing myself from him. Get out of his business and mind my own. This helps me to see clearly that two people are NOT one, no matter what ANYONE said previously and that I have my own thoughts, feelings, and life, separate from him. I also grew up with an alcoholic dad and have troubles with feeling my feelings. Seems like I am never "happy" unless someone is purposely entertaining me. Otherwise, I have either sadness or anger. It's an ACOA issue for sure. Have you looked into ACOA at all?

Survivor1980

No I haven't, but I need to deal with my issues from my childhood. I never felt like they effected me as much as they did until I turned 30. Then I started to look at myself and I thought, "Gee, I'm really messed up." I always thought I was well adjusted for having an alcoholic father. I'm not.

I have ready Dr. Laura believe it or not. What really started me on my journey to focus on myself was a book called Surrendered Wife. I was really working on my marriage at the time and the advice in the book was to focus on yourself to save the marriage. What a novel idea! Unfortuneately for me, the hardest thing for me to do is to do things for myself. People seem to feel happy when they buy themselves a new dress or get their nails done. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm stealing from my children or doing something wrong. I've been working on this for years, but I can't shake the feeling. This is one area where I definitely have to fake it till I make it.

FireSprite

OMG, Yes! I TOTALLY HEAR YOU about this! I'm in a hurry, so I'm typing madly & this might not all make sense, lol.

I am/have been having similar issues in dealing with AH getting sober. First I felt extreme relief then the RAGE started. Yes, he had started making amends. Yes, he was changing his behavior. Yes, he was staying sober but I couldn't get past just being plain angry. Luckily, I had started my personal evolution prior to him getting sober, so I didn't stay stuck in this for *too* long. (but truth be told, it still pops up from time to time & I try to recognize it & deal with it better when it does)

And I have said to him (as recently as this past weekend) that even though I had accepted alcoholism to be a very selfish condition, I hadn't considered how selfish getting sober would be as well. I felt abandoned for Bud Light when he was drinking & abandoned for AA when he got sober. No matter what, the focus always seems to be on him, his issues, his therapy, his solutions, his schedule, his, his, his!

And I completely relate to the feeling that I still have a hard time trusting him fully. (That whole "other-shoe-dropping" thing) After protecting myself FROM him & his bad decisions for so long it's hard to reverse the action & start taking him at his word again. He seemed genuine before while he was lying to my face, so it's hard to re-train my brain to react differently now.

I'm working on it; I really, really am. He gets frustrated because he feels like I keep punishing him for things he's already apologized for & like I'm continuing to beat a dead horse. Maybe I am sometimes, but like I told him... he acted the way he did for YEARS & it's unreasonable to expect me to change & be all lovey-dovey, hunky-dory in a couple of months time.

Survivor1980

My husband and I have had the same exact conversation. Word for word.

He doesn't want to be patient with me though. He wants everything now. That's part of the reason why he's an alcoholic. He doesn't want to work through things. He wants to feel better now.

I'm starting to realize that my lashing out at him is my way of testing him. I feel bad admitting this. He can dish out the pain, but can he take it? I feel like a horrible person. Right now is when he needs my love the most, and I'm too afraid to give it to him. I'm afraid to love him sober because it's so unfamiliar. What if he only loved me because he was drunk all the time? What if he takes the beer goggles off and he doesn't like what he sees?

Why is this harder than being with him when he was drinking? I thought him getting sober would make things better. I didn't expect these massive growing pains.

LuvMySis

That was a really good post by Anvilhead. Sometimes sobriety comes too late, and sometimes a marriage just doesn't work out. Just because he's sober for now doesn't take separation off the table.

FireSprite

How long has he been sober since his relapse? I found that we COULD NOT communicate effectively in the first 90-120 days. Impossible. It took me longer than that to figure out how many different things I was feeling. I couldn't comprehend anything he was going through & he wasn't able to verbalize it to me anyway. We just kept miscommunicating more, blaming more, finger-pointing more.

Yes, I agree that it is kind of a test. Part of me said, Hey, if this is all it's going to take to push him away.... I'd rather know now & get on with my life. I had the same insecurities that maybe he'd realize he hadn't loved me for a long time or that we had too many issues (past & present) to effectively separate them & work through it all. And I think he had the same concerns deep down inside about both of us, but the alcohol had to be far, far removed from the situation before he was going to be able to figure it out. Even when he was being kind, I felt like I wanted to even out the hurt & make sure that he hurt as badly as I had. I felt justified in issuing that "punishment" because I'd been on the receiving end of it for so long.

Truly, after reading so many posts from active A's here at SR I have a better perception of it now. Now I can see the internal guilt, shame & disgust he was probably feeling about himself. I can see that no matter how much I hurt him now, it will never compare to how much he's hurt himself.

Of course, he's making really big strides in his personal emotional recovery that brought him to alcohol to begin with. Not just the separation from the chemical dependency, but realistically letting go of decades of emotions & issues that he had been burying deep, deep inside. If he was *just* sober & not working at the core issues, I don't think I'd be able to be as understanding or compassionate. I think I would feel like it was only a matter of time before a relapse was unavoidable. I still fear relapse, because I'd be a fool not to, and that's where a lot of my struggle comes into play now. It's a hard balance & I have to work at it every single day.

Katiekate

Maybe it's hard, because now you have lost control. He doesn't need you to clean up his messes anymore, you entire life has changed, just by him stopping, no fires to put out, no having to protect the children, the entire dynamic of you family has changed,

It's so hard. I agree, al anon, maybe counseling, it's so painful when they drink and when they quit.

Ugggggg