Weasel1966

July 4th is kind of an anniversary of sorts. 2009

My partner and I moved to new York to start a new life and leave additions behind us. I know.... I know.... At that point I thought that proximity had a lot to do with use. A falsehood I learned painfully.

We were here for 6 months.... We were drinking still but because we did not know anyone who sold drugs we felt "safe".

Little did i know as the fireworks boomed above me that my life would again take a turn to go lower. I met him.

A low life kinda guy in hindsight. I was drinking heavy and playing pool at the local bar. He was attractive so I struck up a conversation and played a few games. Then came the question?

You use?

I played stupid.... Use what?

Crack.

And that was all it took. I regretfully followed the pied pipper all the way to my house. We spent in the last three years tens of thousands of dollars on nothing but regret and ultimately sadness.

I share this because the sounds of fireworks makes my heart beat quicker.... Not for the noise or spectacular colors... But for the ache and still the draw that an addict has to his love.

This 4th will be a special one. Reflecting on what was not with shame. I plan on standing tall. Being on SR a lot. Loving my partner. And hopefully.... Attempting to forgive myself for that horrible turn of events.

My understanding today is starkly different than any time in my past. I look forward to what it will be as I continue to grow. Only god knows.

Dee74

I hope you, and everyone else here, has a great sober 4th Ken

D

Weasel1966

Thanks D. I hope so too.

D.... The 4 th was a moment in time when ya know I did worng. I betrayed myself and John.

But redemption.... Hmmm... .... I used to think that was not possible... But if I try... It's attainable.

It's somewhere between he and there.

Thanks for your support.

Weasel1966

Thanks D. I hope so too.

D.... The 4 th was a moment in time when ya know I did worng. I betrayed myself and John.

But redemption.... Hmmm... .... I used to think that was not possible... But if I try... It's attainable.

It's somewhere between here and there.

Thanks for your support.

Weasel1966

Lol never posted twice... Go figure... I need to read it over and over.

freshstart57

I have wondered before, Ken, if I was where I used to be for some reason. I remember Ma telling me that we get as many opportunities as we need to learn what we need to know. I sure took my time. I hope that you can realize that you are looking at this now in your rear view mirror, that this is behind you. You have learned a few things over the last few days and I know that they will stand you in good stead. Have a Happy fourth.

Dee74

There were hundreds of moments I did wrong and betrayed people.

I can never erase the past but I know I've done some good things with my life since I got sober, and that's a kind of living amends for me.

I hope you'll create some great memories this 4th

D

Weasel1966

With all my heart thank you both. While I feel anxiety.... It is only that...

I hope I do not sound like a man on the edge.... Lol well not a sharp one anyway....

Happy independence day!

wellwisher

Yep, 4th of July and New Year's Eve - two of the most devastating holidays to me in my active use.

Fights, fights, fights on New Year's; pretty bad DWI on 4th of July involving a car accident, and drunk as lord with no control.

My old theme song for those two holidays was "Bad Moon Rising".

Now they have a different meaning and are celebrated in different, sober ways and actually have some meaning to me.

Congratulate yourself on your first TRUE independence day and focus on that new and different life! Itsa comin....

Remember, we don't do that anymore!