Sungrl

My AB continually tells me that I am uptight and need to relax. Does he not understand he is causing the stress and pain. I HATE who I have become, yet I can't seem to let go. I reach out to him and then have serious regrets. I come to this site everyday just to get my sanity back. Why is it taking me so long to get to a place in my life where I can let go and be myself again. Unlike some here I have the wonderful job, wonderful kids, (not with him) a nice place to live. Family and friends. I am a fun kind beautiful person yet I let myself be degraded by this unemployed, lazy drinker who has all but told me he has chosen to drink then be with me. He says he loves me, doesnt want to hurt me and I by into this every time. He has taken up with the homeless town drunk because he feels bad he has to deal with the elements.
He used to show his love to me, now I feel like I am begging for it and it's embarassing and humiliating. What happened to me?

stressedwife

Hi Sungrl...I am so sorry for your situation and how you are feeling. One of the best suggestions I can make is find an Alanon meeting close to you and attend...keep going back. There are people there in the same place you are or have been in that place and have worked to find serenity. I go myself but haven't been going that long and tend to miss meetings now and then. It takes time to get comfortable (or at least it did for me) but by listening and sharing at the meeting, you can work towards peace and serenity. Good luck!

No, your AB does not understand he is causing problems. If he understood that and acknowledged it, then he would have to admit he is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. You didn't cause it; you can't cure it. Alcoholism is HIS problem, not yours. You need to focus on yourself and ways to deal with him in order to keep yourself peaceful and serene.

Katiekate

You feel the same way so many of us feel when we first arrive. Arriving is the first step:ghug3 welcome.

Are you in counseling of any kind, it could be a very good starting point to begin to unravel what is holding you where you are.

Of course alanon, getting educated about addiction, coming here, all of these things will help you to begin to let go.

It's not you, you are living in choas, you probably can't quite see it for what it is, I know I couldn't. I'm glad you are here.

Please keep posting, there is hope.

love to you Katie xo

Sungrl

I feel so respected when I come here. I would never wish this kind of relationship on ANYBODY. Still putting off AL ANON. I'm afraid if I showed up they would never get rid of me. (i'm a talker) mostly to myself these days because the person I believed I could talk to is constantly telling me he does not want to talk about serious stuff, always too tired, doesnt feel well etc. It's funny though he is constantly telling me to conversate with him about anything that is not our issues. I find it hard to make small talk when there is a huge elephant in the room. That is one good thing making no contact easier though. We just have nothing to say to each other. He wants to pretend all is well and he actually told me he wishes I could be more bubbly, like when we first met. That is a HUGE insult to me because if he saw me interact with others I am my bubbly self beacuse they are not wretched drunks destroying their lives. I'm lost today. Sad and hating what I have turned into. sheesh

Learn2Live

Oh Sungrl, thank you for sharing! I have been going through the same or similar. I have heard those same words, "I love you and I don't want to hurt you." BUT HE DID ANYWAY!! He now hangs out with people he just a couple of months ago said he HATED because they were dopers, drunks, and adulterers. These people are now his "friends." He stopped paying attention to me months ago, whereas before he was the sweetest, kindest, most loving BF I had ever had. I too have lost myself, or abandoned myself is more accurate.

What happened to us? We have been living with some very sick people and guess what? Sick people will make you sick. But I am finding myself again and getting stronger day by day. It's a slow process and it's work, but I do not like the alternative. I have been going to Al-Anon and went to an AA meeting last night. I keep calling my friends and doing little things with them. I interact with only positive, supportive people; no toxic people.

(((hugs))) Start digging yourself out of the sickness.

Robsta81

Unfortunatly I'm that man to my wife,ashamed to admit it but I WILL change.I've lost count the amount of times I've Broken promises to her,lied,upset her,all for alcohol all for drink ,starting to realise what a rubbish husband I've been too her over the years.well that is all about to change I'm going to be her rock rather than the other way round and the best way to do that is not to ever not even a drop of alcohol to pass these lips.this time it will be my actions that prove my love for her, god that feels good just putting my feelings on here helps why didn't I find this forum years ago?

Sungrl

If you truly mean what you are saying this time GOOD FOR U!!!

I must say though to be honest she may not buy it. At this point I don't think I would. I want to hear those words more then anything. No correction, I want to see the ACTIONS match the words. That is what it's all about. If you love your wife then please mean what you say and do right by her. It is very hard to be the parent of a grown man. I have been for awhile. He has a good heart in there somewhere and I am confident you do too!! Let it shine!! It would mean the world to her and she sounds like deserves it. I do too. Take care and good luck

LuvMySis

No, Sungrl, it's NOT true. You're trying to hold onto the little bit of self-respect and sanity that you have left. "Relaxing" and letting your guard down will not help you. It might help HIM, but NOT YOU. I'm so glad you came here to read and talk to people who have been through similar situations. It's going to take time to feel better.

Tuffgirl

I would bet you are anxious and uptight. Who isn't in a relationship with an alcoholic? I know I was. It was miserable - the true definition of my life being out of control and unmanageable. It was these very same questions that led me to Al-Anon and Step 1.

So what can you do to change your life so you are not so anxious and stressed out?

Sungrl

He has been to detox three times and it hasn't worked. I realize that is not treatment but I thought it was a start. He was sober for about a month and it was heaven. Not fighting he was productive and amazing. Thought he could drink a "little" and fell right off the wagon. Hard alcohol and shots replaced beer and binging started. I stressed to him HE had to want to stop, he couldn't do it for me or anyone else. I kind of feel that way with no contact. I feel like If I do that it would be because I want to get a reaction from him, make him come to me and I will answer. PLEASE keep up with positive encouragement and I will do my best to get to my happy place. I still am kind of secretly hoping he will see what he is losing and stop the madness. I know that is unhealthy for me right now and that's why Im here!!

Free108

Hi there. My XABF basically left me because I had become a depressed angry blob. I certainly was no fun anymore! There's no way of making him understand the effect that his drinking had on me. That would involve him NOT being in denial. I just know now that all that matters is that I understand what happened to me and trust that I can heal.
Al-Anon helps a lot, most of the time. And don't worry about talking too much! The meetings are quite structured and supportive, so you usually get everything you need to get out in your allotted time. It's amazing how much less there is to say when you start getting your head straight and other people's shares usually express what you're feeling anyway.
I know it's not easy to disentangle yourself from an A - I'm still struggling - but it helps so much to understand why you ended up in this place.

Sungrl

To answer your question tuffgirl, right now that would be to let him go and face his demons. I wanted to be there for him as a support system but I enabled and enabled and enabled some more. I still believe if he asked I would do all I could. He used to ask, he doesnt anymore. I guess I can say I tried. Just wanted normal. what ever the heck that is!!

Tuffgirl

I wanted normal too. Tried for 4 years for normal. Then it dawned on me that my version of normal wasn't going to happen in this relationship. For me or for him. Letting it go was an act of kindness for both of us. I know, underneath the anger, that he feels the same way too. I wasn't good for him either.

And the thing is - if you let this go to pursue what you need in your life....he may not face his demons. He may never. So when you make the decisions you know you need to make - make them in your own best interests, not his. Remove him from the equation entirely and focus on what you need to make your life manageable. Now on what he could or should be to make that possible for you. But what YOU can do to make it happen.

And P.S. Alcoholics aren't emotionally available to have relationships with us. It just won't happen. I hate the disease - it totally sucks - but it is what it is. Acceptance of that one fact was most helpful for me to then make the changes to have a more productive and quality life for myself.

Adventure

They make the world a very lonely and isolated place.......

I feel your pain, I really do Sungrl. When I'm at "home" too long, I turn into this sad, low person that has no interest in anything. When I'm away from "home" I am the fun, outgoing person that is still in there somewhere!!

You might absolutely love Al Anon Sungrl - please give it a go, it has changed my life and I'm only starting out!!

Adventure

itsmylifenow

Sungrl,

So glad you are here.

I've been reading your posts and see myself in them quite clearly. My AB has also said he misses the fun person I used to be. Yet, when he's not around, I'm still that person! They really don't want to think they are the cause for your behaving the way you do. That would take owning up to who they really are and facing some hard truths. No, it's really easier to put all the blame on you.

My AB and I took a 4 hour road trip yesterday and the quiet was just too much for me. Every time I wanted to bring something up I had to think how it might cause a problem. How was he going to misinterpret what I said, or how was it going to go from a simple conversation to an argument. The whole ride I remember thinking how nice it must be to have someone who you can actually talk to about all kinds of things. I miss that.

I'm back with my AB after many continual breakups so I don't feel I can offer any advice. Except to say, what you are going through, many of us have experienced as well. Talking here and going to AlAnon meeting are a surefire way to get the help you need.

jessiec

Sungrl, I so know of what you speak! Somehow, somewhere in a two-year relationship with an alcoholic I really lost a lot of myself and self worth.

I am a smart, loving, fun, attractive, successful woman with a high-profile job, amazing friends and a wonderful family ... and last week I found myself being insulted and called "fatass" (not hardly) by a rude clumsy, jackhole drunk the night before my birthday! Um, WHAT?! How did I allow myself to be turned into an anxious, nervous, stressed, scared, self-conscious harpy door mat? How did I get to this place?

All I know is, I left that place last Thursday. And I'm never going back. : )