Recovery~Where have I been all my life~LONGSTORY
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Ohio
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Recovery~Where have I been all my life~LONGSTORY
To start, I have been sober from drugs for going on 3 years.
Honestly, I lost track after the first few months of sobriety.
I realize that alot of people count their days of recovery to the minute.
I was just glad I was able to stop and not look back.
You must know that my addiction was taught to me. I just didnt wake up one day and decide to use crack cocaine. And then my story begins.
Growing up was rough to say the least. My dad had several addictions.
I am pretty sure it started with alcohol. He dabbled in other things.
And I clearly remember them all.
My mother was taking pills and sleeping all day.
In retrospect, I suppose they were coping with the cards they had been dealt the best way they knew how.
My mother started having several nervous breakdowns. And then was diagnosed with several mental illness's.
She became paranoid, schitzophenic, bi-polar and manic depressive.
She is only 67 and has been in a nursing home for the last two years.
Loosing everything she once owned. I get anywhere from 4 - 10 calls a day from her. Each one ranges from " Hello, it's mom, where are you, pick up the phone." To " They gave me a handfull of pils this morning and I had a bowel movement. " You can only imagine the gammet of inbetweens.
She depresses me to the point I cant breath sometimes.
And that has gone on my entire life.
By the time I was 10, I had been molested by older neighbor boys for 2 years.
I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me.
I spent most of my childhood protecting him from everything, all the damages floating about.
Parents arguing and fighting all the time.
Much mental and emotional abuse.
I did the best I could. It wasnt easy.
Whereas I turned to drugs, my brother turned to food.
He just lost over 100 lbs! I am so proud of him.
Prior to that he was tipping the scales at over 500 lbs.
So I am pretty sure most all of our life issues came from childhood experiences.
I always hated school. I did poorly and was told so daily by my mother who constantly reinforced how stupid and ugly I was. By the time I was 17, I had gotten pregnant and dropped out ( this was my 2nd and final time of dropping out. ) I left home with the clothes on my back, with the guy who is the father of the baby I had inside of me.
And then I had an abortion. And then got married.
I never went back home. My father was so angry with me we didnt speek for 2 years after that. My mother had to sign papers for me to get married.
In 1986, after several years of being married to this man. Who turned out to be very physically and emotionally abusive, I got pregnant again.
This time I was determined to have this child.
By now I had 4 abortions in 3 years. It had taken a huge toll on my mind.
My oldest son is now 24. And my God it's so amazing when he sings, plays guitar and smiles! I had been beaten so badly on so many occations by the 1st husband. It was beginning to take a toll on my body. I got out by thinking " the next time he hits me, it's going to be me or him, I wont stop untill he's dead. " He had beaten me so badly that I had a miscarriage with twins ( I didnt even know I was pregnant. ) and he didnt even come to see me when I was in the hospital. He was Catholic. He didnt want kids, but he hid my birth control and beat me if he suspected I even had any birth control. And thus the reason I was forced to have abortions. ( Vicious cycle, I know! ) I was terrified he would lay a hand on our son.
I would have killed him for sure. I am glad, lucky, blessed I got out of that marriage.
I left him and jumped right into the arms of a man 10 years older than me. Who I thought was going to be my knight in shinning armor.
WOW... have you ever heard that before ( Sarcastically, LOL- ! )
So nostalgic, so laid back. He was like this wonderful, comfortable pillow I had never had in my lifetime. We quickly moved in togehter. He is a hard worker and so was I. We worked together for a year. I was his secretary. Everything seemed so great. I was let go from my job after that first year, due to many cut backs and the place finally filled chapter 13 and closed down. His job was, and still is, in high demand. He is one of the best in his field. So, he told me he made enough money for the two of us and I didnt have to work. I had never not worked since I left home at 17. At that time I was 23. And now we were planning our marriage. My son was very young ( only 2 ) and he loved this man ( called him dad ) and visa versa. It was bliss, absolute bliss! I felt secure, wanted, needed and loved for the first time in a very long time, perhaps the first time ever. At least that I can remember.
It's June, we are now married ( newly weds ) and we are moving to an old huge farm house out in the country. It was amazing. 14 rooms, a 5 car garage and a huge nice barn. In October we hosted our first Halloween party. Which turned out great! Everything seemed so magical. Just one month later, in November, just before Thanksgiving. All of that magic became tainted. I had just spoke to him 30 minutes prior and he was leaving work to come home. I had dinner on the table and had sat there for over an hour with my son, waiting for the front door to open. After the first hour I fed my son, gave him his bath and tucked him in his bed. I started getting scared that he was in some kind of accident. I sat down on the top of the stairs with a phone book in hand and began looking up numbers to the hospital. I was scared to call. So I just sat there. All the sudden I seen his car go by. And then it came back again down the other side of the road going north. This went on for 30 minutes or so. I went out to the huge fence that surrounded the property, unlocked it and went out by the road and tried to flag him down. He wouldnt stop. He put on his brakes the first time he seem me. But after thathe just drove past me. I was bewildered as to what was happening. I was scared and unsure. I kept thinking " what have I done wrong?" " What is wrong with him? " " Is this my fault somehow, had I said something wrong? " This went on for 4 hours. I ended up calling the only person that lived remotely close by, which was his neice. She came over and we both sat outside in the cold and watched as he drove past a few more times. And then he just pulled in. When he parked the car his neice went up and was talking with him through the window, asking him what the hell he was doing and why he was driving up and down the road for hours. I cant remember if he even said anything to her, but he was very aggitated. He exited the car and quickly ran inside the house as I was trying to follow him. He locked me out. We seem him run up the stairs and quickly came running back down and then out the door. He had a riffle in his hand. He began shooting at us! Bulets wizzing past our head as we lay face down on the ice cold concrete. We were both yelling and begging him to stop as well as crying. He finally ran out of bullets and went back inside. His neice went inside and started yelling at him. He just sat there like a zombie. I finally came in and got on my knees by his legs and begged him to tel me what was going on. Thats the first time I learned he was using crack cocaine. he was very intoxicated as well.
The days following I started making calls to some of his old friends and his ex-wife whim I had never met. I was scared and needed answers. And man-o-man did I get answers. He was at this time 34. I was 24. I learned he had done cocaine for many years. He was even dealing cocaine in Florida prior to moving bacj to Ohio. He had told me he lived in Florida for 18 years. And he said he had moved back to Ohio because he got divorced and then his ex-girlfriend left him. Then he moved back due to his parents getting older and needing him. I soon learned he had lost pretty much everything and went to prison for dealing cocaine in Florida. He had been in prison for a year just prior to meeting me. His friends told me he was suing the stuff just prior to meeting me and moving in together with me. I was shocked. Utterly shocked!
I called my family and told them. They gave me some options as best as they could. You can either help him get help for this, but it;s only the first time and you've been with him for 2 years. ( living with and now married too. ) Or you might be able to get the marriage annulled. Due to the fact we had only been married for just a few months at that time and he had with-held some pretty cruticial information from me. I was terrified. This man who I had become to practically worship, adore and loved deeply was not the man I knew at all. It was like now I was faced with the possibility that he led a second life. I remember thinking " what else is he not telling me? " So I finally after a week, started talking to him about everything that happened. And then, because he was basically saying he slipped up and it wouldnt happen again, I told him I had been calling his ex-wife and friends and had learned alot about him. He was angry with me for doing this. He said it was all none of my business. I tried to explain to him that he had been dis-honest, I was now his wife and it was by all means my business. We made some sort of agreement that included if he ever felt the need to use again, he would talk to me first about it. I had never used hard core drugs. I was a pot smoker for many years. A two hitter quitter. Took my two hits and I was done. I drank. Sometimes till I got way too drunk and got sick. But not too often. It was really socially and I just didnt know when to stop drinking. Over the course of the next couple of months I had found a box of his while out in the garage trying to bring in some photos to frame and hang up. In this box was a vast awray of p0rn0graphy movies. Of course they were not labled and like a moron I brought the whole box in, sat down and plopped one in the VCR. I had never seen p0rn in my LIFE. I was shocked and disgusted. I thought Oh My God, I didnt do anything like this in bed with him. Is this what he was expecting me to do. Did he want me to be this way and act that way. I beat myself up over 5 minutes of a stupid video. I took the entire box out back , poured charcoal lighting fluid all over it and watched as the black smoke reached the atmosphere. And then I called him at work.
" What box, What videos.. " I dont know what you are talking about. Stay out of that garage. " why are you burning them, I dont even know what they are, they probably belong to my friends. " This craptalk went on & on . I was steaming HOT MAD! And that too passed by. Within the next month he was late coming home from work again. I watched as he drove up and down the road again. This time no less than 2 hours. Confrontation again " what haooened to our agreement? " This went on a few more times. I was at a loss as to what to do about it anymore. He clearly was not about to call me if he felt the need to use. I had stepped up drinking and smoking pot to numb all the stuff inside my head. I had a sick feeling inmy stomach that this was all the begining of the end. By New Years, we were out having drinks with another couple. Of course I had way too much to drink and as we left I remember getting all comfy in the carseat and going to sleep. When I woke up I quickly realized where we were. Way far away from where we lived. And now we are in the city. Where I semi grew up. I asked what we were doing there? His reply " we are buying rock. " Whats rock? As I started getting sick. We had a gun held to the window as the first guy took the $20 my husband had sticking out of the small slit in the window. And then the next guy we scored from. And we finally after much crying and begging on my part, went home. He rolled it in a joint and assured me it wouldnt kill me and everything would be much better. And that was the beginning of HE||.. Fast foward 17 years later. He just found out he is a diabetic. We are both using profound amounts of cocaine cooked into perfection of rock. And I have gone from smoking it in a joint to smoking it off a pop can to smoking it off a metal brake pipe. And was completly out of control. We now have 3 sons. All 7 & 8 year apart in ages. He is drinking unbelieveable amounts of alcohol. And then we go on vacation. The first Family vacation we had in many years. With all of our kids. Our 3 sons and his daughter fromhis previous marriage which I helped raise. And her son, our grandson. And off we go to another state far away for this family vacation. He promissed me he didnt have any drugs when we were leaving. I was scared with all my children in one vehicle that if we got pulled over and he got caught with drugs, my kids would be taken away from me. But once again, as with the last 17 years of BS and lies. He lied! We finally , after 14 hours of driving, reach our destination. I quickly went to buy groceries with 3 out of the 5 children we had with us. And when I returned he quickly and ever so conviently says " I'm out of smokes, I gotta go get smokes. " Having heard this a million times and fearful he was about to leave us for the next 24 hours. I asked him to please not do this to us all. " I'm just going to get smokes, stop acting so crazy. " 4 hours later he returns with this outlandish story of being trapped at some sheriffs compound and he couldnt find the way out. I was so pissed. But relieved he even made it back at all. And then the bomb drops. He pulls me into the bedroom and tells me the sheriffs were approcahing his vehicle and he had a golfball size baggie of cocaine that he had to quickly chew off the end of and tie then swollow. I had never heard of such a thing and was totally scared to death that he might die from this. He assured me he would be fine and probably poop it out in the next day or so. Within the next hour he was overdosing. We were at a very exclusive hotel in florida. He had ripped off all his clothes and was running up and down the halls screeming and yelling at the top of his lungs and then would run back in the room and lock himself in the bedroom and yell for me non-stop. Our chilkdren were freaking out. Patrons were standing at our door asking questions. The manager was on the phone with 911. My oldest son was in the other bedroom on the phone with 911. And I was falling apart trying to calm everyone down. trying to talk him down off this imense high. He was now foaming at the motuh and having small seziures. The police show up and quickly pul out tazers and guns pointing them at my husband because he was out of his mind and coming at them as I was doing my best to hold him back and pushing him backwards, hoping he would fall down to the ground. I came from a long line of law enforcement. My grandfather was a retired cheif of police in small town USA. My two cousins, one retired from State troopers and the other is active deputy sheriff ( DEA. ) I was yelling for the poilce to not taze him or it would kill him, to put their guns down and stand down to wait for the paramedics. Thank God the paramedics showed up and was able to get him on a gurney and velcro him completly to the thing. They carted him off to the hospital as I was telling the police and paramedics what had happened. Needless to say the next 48 hours was He||. My children were all in shock. I was trying to not be in shock. I learned in the ER that his heart was ready to explode and the docs were putting him in a drug induced coma. To make a very long story short. 2 days later, extreemly pissed off when he woke up, after they took the breathing tubes out of his throat. He proceeds to rip out all the IV's and other lines. Blames me for the entire ordeal and walks out of the hospital. We ( unbelieveably ) went on with our vacation like nothing ever happened. I was so pissed at him the entire time I couldnt hardly look at him or talk to him. Everything that came out of my mouth was negative and hateful. He made me sick to my stomach. It was at that point I lost all respect for him. I looked at him like the weakest link he was. And I knew then I was finished with this whole mess. I was done with this marriage and him and all the lies, hurt, pain, abuse. So we finally get home. My oldest son had already been in much trouble with alcohol and drug abuse. My middle son went from being a above avarage student and wearing nice clothes to failing everything and wearing all black, dying his hair black, painting his nails black. I often talked to him about depression. He told me he wasnt depressed. He just didnt give a damm anymore. I was still using, but at a much less amount than ever before in the privious years. I was trying to quit but didnt know how. Within a month after returning home. The moron wrecked a dirt bike high and drunk and borke his leg. He became addicted to pain killers at that time. two months later, about to get out of the cats, he falls and breaks the same leg again in another area of his leg. MORON! By now he is using a massive amout of various pain killers which included Diladid, Morophine, Percocetts, Vicodin along with his usual bottle a day of vodka and massive amoutns of crack cocaine and cocaine. The man is friggin' 52 at this time and was headed for death. And by now thats all he talks about. All he says to me and the kids is he wants to die. And Deep down inside we all wished he would most of the time. Life had been a roller coaster for so long. Daily ups and downs. The kids and I had learned to walk on eggshells for so long that it was normal now. My oldest son and youngest son had become so enraged with him they wanted to hurt him most of the time. My youngest was hating everything and often used the word hate. " I hate you, I hate this life, I hate my life, " I had heard this from my other two sons as well. And the moron is continuing with his death wishes. I began by going to AA. And then NA. I had to do this on the downlow because I had never been allowed to go anywhere or have friends. I had no control over any money, banking info or details of money. In fact I had been told we really just had enough to pay the bills and have a little left to party with. I found out after the overdose he had no life insurance. He had no retirement either. As messed up as my dad and mom were. At least my dad retired from General Motors ( way before the crash of the car industry ) And had saved his whole life for retirement. He was now comfortably living in Florida retired. He had a hefty life insurance deal. So this is what I thought you were supposed to do in life. Work and save for the future. I was once again SHOCKED to learn we had NOTHING. The moron had years earlier talkked me into re-financing our home. And we built a huge addition to our home using some sort of home equity loan. Yeah.. our monthly house payment went from a mere $500 to over $800. We had a driveway full of cars because he is in the collision industry. He often bought wrecked vehicles, fixed them as wel as washed the titles and sold them for a hefty price. And then he banked all the money and told me I smoked it all it up. Yeah Right... I had one vehicle that I managed to get him to put it in my name only after this one time I had left him due to all the friggin drug, mental and physical abuse. I went to my moms with ( then only two sons ). And the minute he found out I had a job, he came and took my car. So after that I told him if he didnt put a car in my name I would leave and wouldnt care if I had a car. My family would surely help me out with a car. But he actually did put a car in my name. It wasnt the greatest of cars. But it was dependable and not a horrible car. He||, it ran and had tires! I was happy about it. And so, here I was hiding that fact I was in AA and NA. I was turning down all his drugs. ( he had been my dealer and pimp for now 19 years. ) I went from AA and NA and was reffered by someone to attend " eggshell " meeting with women of abusive and controlling relationships-marriages. So I went, it was at a church and I was thinking I didnt want to get all religious at that point. But it wasnt like that at all. I didnt have to be affliated with the church at all. So I went to those meeting and quickly realized ALOT. That I had been controlled from practically day one. I began to think this man knew exactly what he was doing when he met me, moved in togehter and then married. He knew.. He had a plan and he knew exactly how to get me to conform to addictions and then become the most co-dependant woman on this planet and perhaps beyond! Right after his overdose I began having panic attacks. I thought I was dying the first time it happened. turns out it was a classic panic attack. And I remembered having them as a child. But they werent nearly this intense. So my doctor put me on Xanas to begin with. Now I had been on them for 2 years. And was stepped up to valium because the xanax was just not working. So to make that story shorter. At one point I was using crack, snorting coke then coming down by drinking some alcohol and taking a xanax or valium. I never abused my anxiety pills. They were infact controlled and I was tested monthly by my doc. Otherwise I probably would have taken more to go to sleep after days of being whacked out on crack & coke. After the overdose I began sleeping on the couch. As I was getting and trying to stay sober. Now it had been three years and I was still on the couch. I had just had it. I had it with everything. I was now learning so much so fast. I just wanted out. I didnt care about anything anymore. Well, I really did.. But I didnt want to care anymore. I never though of suicide, amazingly enough. But I did want out. And I didnt care anymore if I would lose my house or my ass. I just wanted out. I went from the eggshells meeting to being reffered once again to the Abuse Rape and Crisis Shelter. So I staretd talking to them. I had been on the phone with them for almost a year. Then they reffered me to a threapist of abuse rape and crisis.
I started seeing her. She basically had this huge board of paper and asked me a ton of appropriate questions and wrote them down on this huge board for me to see clearly. I begand to see patterns. Ups and Downs. It wasnt a shock , but it was really making sence to me. After several visits, she assured me that I could get out safely and broing my youngest son too. That we would be so much better off than living in that he||. And she was right. I had told my family for so long all the issues and had told them forever that I was leaving him. To the point none of them listened to me anymore. I had been sober for almost a year. Moron was still using his various tons of stuff. My oldest son was constantly in and out of trouble with the law. He was addicted to weed, pills and alcohol. My middle son was now on probation for the second time, in and out of drug and alcohol counselling. And I was runing everyone everywhere. My oldest son had lost his drivers license and was working, so I had to drive him. My middle son had to attend D&A meetings and probation once a week. My youngest son wouldnt ride the bus too and from school so that was a daily drive for me. Plus he was failing miserably in shcool and having socail issues. I was the ever loving mother and wife. I did every single thing except go to a job and clock in. Seriously. Everything else in life, other than clocking in at a job, was my responsibility. And I was told I didnt deserve anything because I didnt work. Oh Gosh that really pissed me off. Moron was coming home everyday and locking himself in the bedroom, watching his p0rn and using his massive death wishes. Leaving behind stacks of empty liqure bottles filed with **** over the bedroom. In the closets and under the bed. My older sons sometimes helped me clean out that bedroom and we were always disgusted at the scene. I had been saving money here and there for months, as I was told to try and do by the abuse therapist. And one day, He said something to me I'll never foregt as long as I live. He told me I was crazy. Crazy just like my mother. That I had conjured so much stuff up in my head that I had just lost it. That there had never been anything wrong with him and I was to blame for everything. And I was just as crazy as my mother. I had been sober for a year then. I knew what he was saying was complete BS. I just couldnt believe he actually said ti and believed it. So, the next day, I just woke up and decided this was the day. Just like that. I had managed to save about $900. Which was ALOT ot me. And he didnt even know!
I was only allowed to have some clothes and a few personal items. I packed exactly 5 changes of clothing and some personal items for myself and my youngest son. We stayed at a hotel that first night as I had to leave my cell phone behind due to the probability he might have a GPS on it and I had bought a new phone. I had written down all the phone numbers I would need over the next several months. And I gathered my thouhgts and then made some phone calls. I told my family I was leaving him for good. Of course they listened, but they didnt believe me. And the next day my youngest son ( who was 8 then ) and I went deep underground into an abuse shelter. I was in a new city. I didnt know my way around. There were many rules that I followed to a tee. And nightly my car had to be parked at the police department parking lot. I was driven to and from the police department daily for 5 weeks. I quickly realized he took me off the bank account. I was on checking only. And had recently obtained a debit/ credit card from that bank. Which now was no good. He then took me off the medical insurance. I had been forewarned that this all would happen. He had no idea where I was and I tried to stay in contact with my family as much as possible in those initial several weeks. They all told me he had been calling them and wanted to talk to me. He asked to see me several times. He cried to them. My dad wasnt having any of it and always hing up on him. My brother would listen to him and then give him he|| for the way he did our lives over the course of 19 years. And all the he|| he had put me through. As well as gave him he|| for what all of the issues had done to the kids and how much trouble they had been in for years. Basically my brother wasnt about to let the moron play victim. I was taught how to get on welfare. And then I was helped getting my own first apartment. OMG.. what a reliefe not to live in that shelter anymore. But here I was in this nice new apartment with absulotly nothing but 5 changes of clothing and a few personal items. So I bought two air matteresses, two sheet sets and two pillows for me and my son. Several weeks went by. I didnt say a word to my family about how we had nothing. I was just happy to be away from all the chaos, confusion and drama of druh he|| with moron. And I didnt have to run my a$$ off anyore with my older sons. I was still doing AA. I was beginning to learn how everyone had become so dependant on me. And letting go might be hard. But it would be best. That people have choises to make and alot of times they are hard, difficult choises. But it is untilamtely their choise. And I had to make my choises as well. I remember the first time I heard " If you are part of the problem, you are not part of the solution. " I took alot of those little saying to heart. I recited them daily ALOT. Finally after 7 weeks, a Catholic church came and gave us a couch, a table with 2 chairs and a tv. We were so grateful!! We felt blessed. And we were! Another couple months went by and we gained beds and clothing and towels and a few other things like pots and pans. You have no idea what you have untill its all gone and you have absolutly nothing. I felt homeless ( and I actually was in all reality ) but I had an apartment. I had food. I had a few things now. And somehow life was begining to get alittle better. Welfare was rough. I dont know how people live on that stuff ! I certainly couldnt do it for long. I hadnt worked in over 23 years. I had never went back to school, graduated or obtained my GED. I had been a mother and housewife for the majority of my adult life. The emotionalk and physical abuse had taken a seriousl toll on my body and mind. I am still suffering from all that and I fear it will never get any better than what it is now. I'm in pain all the time. I suffer from depression. I went to see a shrink a few months ago and after a few weeks, he put me on the same anxiety meds I had started out on years ago and had worked my butt off to get away from. And he prescribed some Anti depressant. I honestly thought that I was just going through alot, nearing the end of the dirvorce. I had recently been awarded primary custody of my youngest son. I was recieving child and spousal supports. Life was getting alot better. But now I am thinking maybe I should go back for help. There is deffinatly something going on with my mind. I dont trust anyone in real life. I have begun to isolate myself in this apartment just fater learning 5 weeks ago that I have lupus. I have no medical insurance so I am just letting that go for now. It's all I can do. I'm exausted all the time. I have begun to cry daily. Not constantly, but at least a few times a day for short periods of time. I dont really want to or have the need to go anywhere or do anything much. But I take good care of my place and my things and my son. I try to take good care of myself. I dont always do that though. It's like I have spent my entire life doing for everyone else but myself. And I just dont know how to do for myself. The AXH now had every other weekend parenting time with our toungest son. And he stresses me out to no end when its his weekend. It's always something so stupid and lame. Friday he borught me papers on Reconcillation.. Like Seriously.. I dont love you like that anymore. I didnt know what to say. I just sat the papers down and went on about my business. Then days later, after my son returned home. I read them. And it angered me. Because I realized there would never be a reconcillation. I do keep him at arms length because he is good with cars and my car is a piece of crap that I am ever so grateful to have. While he has all the race cars and nice vehicles. He kept our home of 18 years. He got basically everything. One thing he didnt get was OUT. And I got OUT.. plus I got s ton of money that he claimed we never had! I feel absolutly lucky. I have my son and we are doing ALOT better. The AXH is still using. He denies ( of course he drnies ) that he uses, but I can deffinatly tell he is. He is drinking alot and often is drunk. He's back to smoking pot too. he is just muddling along in life like nothing much happened. But still texts me and lets me know how much he misses me and loves me. He tells me how I was this huge part of his life for 20 years. And the any conversation we have is " him him him.. " I havw become sick of it all. I am just not going to put myself out there anymore to even accept his texts or calls. I will ignore him. And actually this new thing of him texting me and telling me stuff has led me to here, to this site. trying to figure out what the he|| went wrong. When infact I know what all went wrong. Eveything went wrong. From the get go, everything was wrong. I was lied too and decieved. I was led to believe and then ultimatly blamed, physically and emotionally abused as well as my kids were too. Everything went to He||. And I picked up what tiny pieces I had and have tried to move on. He hasnt changed a bit and he seems to be moving on. But is drawing me again again or trying too. Dont get me wrong folks. I deffinatly know how to put my foot down and tell him to F-Off and leave me alone. And he probably would if I did. I'm just trying to learn all these things that I had no idea even had a name. Such as Co-Dependancy, and Gaslighting. The list goes on and on. This site has opened my eyes and also opened up a can of worms that I hadnt dealt with before. When I realized yesterday about Co-Dependancy and Gaslighting. I started to cry. Like everything hit home and I just sat there and cried. Reading these stories are enpowering but at the same time so touching, so real to me, so true that it is overwhelming. But maybe its exactly what I need. And so there you have it. Any suggestions ( positive ) would be appriciated. I am going to sit back and read my own story 100 times untill something more sinks in and I feel like talking about it. I am sure I left out a TON of stuff. So if you find another post on another story of mine. Dont be suprised. It'll be something I forgot to mention or left out accidently. My heart and positive vibes go out to all of you, struggling, surrfering, hurt, confused and in pain. I completly understand each and everyone of you. I might not agree with everything. But portions and parst I completly understand I try to understand if I dont understand. None of us are the same. But all of us are in pretty much the same boats with addictions, ex's, lovers, friends, family, families, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationships, alcohol,eating, dependancy, co-dependancy, struggling and just trying to breath in these moments of every aspect we do daily to survive. I wish you all the best! The best of everything life has to offer! Today is a new day. Make it COUNT! ( That would be the pot calling the kettle black again .. )
Lots of Love! ~GT2~
Honestly, I lost track after the first few months of sobriety.
I realize that alot of people count their days of recovery to the minute.
I was just glad I was able to stop and not look back.
You must know that my addiction was taught to me. I just didnt wake up one day and decide to use crack cocaine. And then my story begins.
Growing up was rough to say the least. My dad had several addictions.
I am pretty sure it started with alcohol. He dabbled in other things.
And I clearly remember them all.
My mother was taking pills and sleeping all day.
In retrospect, I suppose they were coping with the cards they had been dealt the best way they knew how.
My mother started having several nervous breakdowns. And then was diagnosed with several mental illness's.
She became paranoid, schitzophenic, bi-polar and manic depressive.
She is only 67 and has been in a nursing home for the last two years.
Loosing everything she once owned. I get anywhere from 4 - 10 calls a day from her. Each one ranges from " Hello, it's mom, where are you, pick up the phone." To " They gave me a handfull of pils this morning and I had a bowel movement. " You can only imagine the gammet of inbetweens.
She depresses me to the point I cant breath sometimes.
And that has gone on my entire life.
By the time I was 10, I had been molested by older neighbor boys for 2 years.
I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me.
I spent most of my childhood protecting him from everything, all the damages floating about.
Parents arguing and fighting all the time.
Much mental and emotional abuse.
I did the best I could. It wasnt easy.
Whereas I turned to drugs, my brother turned to food.
He just lost over 100 lbs! I am so proud of him.
Prior to that he was tipping the scales at over 500 lbs.
So I am pretty sure most all of our life issues came from childhood experiences.
I always hated school. I did poorly and was told so daily by my mother who constantly reinforced how stupid and ugly I was. By the time I was 17, I had gotten pregnant and dropped out ( this was my 2nd and final time of dropping out. ) I left home with the clothes on my back, with the guy who is the father of the baby I had inside of me.
And then I had an abortion. And then got married.
I never went back home. My father was so angry with me we didnt speek for 2 years after that. My mother had to sign papers for me to get married.
In 1986, after several years of being married to this man. Who turned out to be very physically and emotionally abusive, I got pregnant again.
This time I was determined to have this child.
By now I had 4 abortions in 3 years. It had taken a huge toll on my mind.
My oldest son is now 24. And my God it's so amazing when he sings, plays guitar and smiles! I had been beaten so badly on so many occations by the 1st husband. It was beginning to take a toll on my body. I got out by thinking " the next time he hits me, it's going to be me or him, I wont stop untill he's dead. " He had beaten me so badly that I had a miscarriage with twins ( I didnt even know I was pregnant. ) and he didnt even come to see me when I was in the hospital. He was Catholic. He didnt want kids, but he hid my birth control and beat me if he suspected I even had any birth control. And thus the reason I was forced to have abortions. ( Vicious cycle, I know! ) I was terrified he would lay a hand on our son.
I would have killed him for sure. I am glad, lucky, blessed I got out of that marriage.
I left him and jumped right into the arms of a man 10 years older than me. Who I thought was going to be my knight in shinning armor.
WOW... have you ever heard that before ( Sarcastically, LOL- ! )
So nostalgic, so laid back. He was like this wonderful, comfortable pillow I had never had in my lifetime. We quickly moved in togehter. He is a hard worker and so was I. We worked together for a year. I was his secretary. Everything seemed so great. I was let go from my job after that first year, due to many cut backs and the place finally filled chapter 13 and closed down. His job was, and still is, in high demand. He is one of the best in his field. So, he told me he made enough money for the two of us and I didnt have to work. I had never not worked since I left home at 17. At that time I was 23. And now we were planning our marriage. My son was very young ( only 2 ) and he loved this man ( called him dad ) and visa versa. It was bliss, absolute bliss! I felt secure, wanted, needed and loved for the first time in a very long time, perhaps the first time ever. At least that I can remember.
It's June, we are now married ( newly weds ) and we are moving to an old huge farm house out in the country. It was amazing. 14 rooms, a 5 car garage and a huge nice barn. In October we hosted our first Halloween party. Which turned out great! Everything seemed so magical. Just one month later, in November, just before Thanksgiving. All of that magic became tainted. I had just spoke to him 30 minutes prior and he was leaving work to come home. I had dinner on the table and had sat there for over an hour with my son, waiting for the front door to open. After the first hour I fed my son, gave him his bath and tucked him in his bed. I started getting scared that he was in some kind of accident. I sat down on the top of the stairs with a phone book in hand and began looking up numbers to the hospital. I was scared to call. So I just sat there. All the sudden I seen his car go by. And then it came back again down the other side of the road going north. This went on for 30 minutes or so. I went out to the huge fence that surrounded the property, unlocked it and went out by the road and tried to flag him down. He wouldnt stop. He put on his brakes the first time he seem me. But after thathe just drove past me. I was bewildered as to what was happening. I was scared and unsure. I kept thinking " what have I done wrong?" " What is wrong with him? " " Is this my fault somehow, had I said something wrong? " This went on for 4 hours. I ended up calling the only person that lived remotely close by, which was his neice. She came over and we both sat outside in the cold and watched as he drove past a few more times. And then he just pulled in. When he parked the car his neice went up and was talking with him through the window, asking him what the hell he was doing and why he was driving up and down the road for hours. I cant remember if he even said anything to her, but he was very aggitated. He exited the car and quickly ran inside the house as I was trying to follow him. He locked me out. We seem him run up the stairs and quickly came running back down and then out the door. He had a riffle in his hand. He began shooting at us! Bulets wizzing past our head as we lay face down on the ice cold concrete. We were both yelling and begging him to stop as well as crying. He finally ran out of bullets and went back inside. His neice went inside and started yelling at him. He just sat there like a zombie. I finally came in and got on my knees by his legs and begged him to tel me what was going on. Thats the first time I learned he was using crack cocaine. he was very intoxicated as well.
The days following I started making calls to some of his old friends and his ex-wife whim I had never met. I was scared and needed answers. And man-o-man did I get answers. He was at this time 34. I was 24. I learned he had done cocaine for many years. He was even dealing cocaine in Florida prior to moving bacj to Ohio. He had told me he lived in Florida for 18 years. And he said he had moved back to Ohio because he got divorced and then his ex-girlfriend left him. Then he moved back due to his parents getting older and needing him. I soon learned he had lost pretty much everything and went to prison for dealing cocaine in Florida. He had been in prison for a year just prior to meeting me. His friends told me he was suing the stuff just prior to meeting me and moving in together with me. I was shocked. Utterly shocked!
I called my family and told them. They gave me some options as best as they could. You can either help him get help for this, but it;s only the first time and you've been with him for 2 years. ( living with and now married too. ) Or you might be able to get the marriage annulled. Due to the fact we had only been married for just a few months at that time and he had with-held some pretty cruticial information from me. I was terrified. This man who I had become to practically worship, adore and loved deeply was not the man I knew at all. It was like now I was faced with the possibility that he led a second life. I remember thinking " what else is he not telling me? " So I finally after a week, started talking to him about everything that happened. And then, because he was basically saying he slipped up and it wouldnt happen again, I told him I had been calling his ex-wife and friends and had learned alot about him. He was angry with me for doing this. He said it was all none of my business. I tried to explain to him that he had been dis-honest, I was now his wife and it was by all means my business. We made some sort of agreement that included if he ever felt the need to use again, he would talk to me first about it. I had never used hard core drugs. I was a pot smoker for many years. A two hitter quitter. Took my two hits and I was done. I drank. Sometimes till I got way too drunk and got sick. But not too often. It was really socially and I just didnt know when to stop drinking. Over the course of the next couple of months I had found a box of his while out in the garage trying to bring in some photos to frame and hang up. In this box was a vast awray of p0rn0graphy movies. Of course they were not labled and like a moron I brought the whole box in, sat down and plopped one in the VCR. I had never seen p0rn in my LIFE. I was shocked and disgusted. I thought Oh My God, I didnt do anything like this in bed with him. Is this what he was expecting me to do. Did he want me to be this way and act that way. I beat myself up over 5 minutes of a stupid video. I took the entire box out back , poured charcoal lighting fluid all over it and watched as the black smoke reached the atmosphere. And then I called him at work.
" What box, What videos.. " I dont know what you are talking about. Stay out of that garage. " why are you burning them, I dont even know what they are, they probably belong to my friends. " This craptalk went on & on . I was steaming HOT MAD! And that too passed by. Within the next month he was late coming home from work again. I watched as he drove up and down the road again. This time no less than 2 hours. Confrontation again " what haooened to our agreement? " This went on a few more times. I was at a loss as to what to do about it anymore. He clearly was not about to call me if he felt the need to use. I had stepped up drinking and smoking pot to numb all the stuff inside my head. I had a sick feeling inmy stomach that this was all the begining of the end. By New Years, we were out having drinks with another couple. Of course I had way too much to drink and as we left I remember getting all comfy in the carseat and going to sleep. When I woke up I quickly realized where we were. Way far away from where we lived. And now we are in the city. Where I semi grew up. I asked what we were doing there? His reply " we are buying rock. " Whats rock? As I started getting sick. We had a gun held to the window as the first guy took the $20 my husband had sticking out of the small slit in the window. And then the next guy we scored from. And we finally after much crying and begging on my part, went home. He rolled it in a joint and assured me it wouldnt kill me and everything would be much better. And that was the beginning of HE||.. Fast foward 17 years later. He just found out he is a diabetic. We are both using profound amounts of cocaine cooked into perfection of rock. And I have gone from smoking it in a joint to smoking it off a pop can to smoking it off a metal brake pipe. And was completly out of control. We now have 3 sons. All 7 & 8 year apart in ages. He is drinking unbelieveable amounts of alcohol. And then we go on vacation. The first Family vacation we had in many years. With all of our kids. Our 3 sons and his daughter fromhis previous marriage which I helped raise. And her son, our grandson. And off we go to another state far away for this family vacation. He promissed me he didnt have any drugs when we were leaving. I was scared with all my children in one vehicle that if we got pulled over and he got caught with drugs, my kids would be taken away from me. But once again, as with the last 17 years of BS and lies. He lied! We finally , after 14 hours of driving, reach our destination. I quickly went to buy groceries with 3 out of the 5 children we had with us. And when I returned he quickly and ever so conviently says " I'm out of smokes, I gotta go get smokes. " Having heard this a million times and fearful he was about to leave us for the next 24 hours. I asked him to please not do this to us all. " I'm just going to get smokes, stop acting so crazy. " 4 hours later he returns with this outlandish story of being trapped at some sheriffs compound and he couldnt find the way out. I was so pissed. But relieved he even made it back at all. And then the bomb drops. He pulls me into the bedroom and tells me the sheriffs were approcahing his vehicle and he had a golfball size baggie of cocaine that he had to quickly chew off the end of and tie then swollow. I had never heard of such a thing and was totally scared to death that he might die from this. He assured me he would be fine and probably poop it out in the next day or so. Within the next hour he was overdosing. We were at a very exclusive hotel in florida. He had ripped off all his clothes and was running up and down the halls screeming and yelling at the top of his lungs and then would run back in the room and lock himself in the bedroom and yell for me non-stop. Our chilkdren were freaking out. Patrons were standing at our door asking questions. The manager was on the phone with 911. My oldest son was in the other bedroom on the phone with 911. And I was falling apart trying to calm everyone down. trying to talk him down off this imense high. He was now foaming at the motuh and having small seziures. The police show up and quickly pul out tazers and guns pointing them at my husband because he was out of his mind and coming at them as I was doing my best to hold him back and pushing him backwards, hoping he would fall down to the ground. I came from a long line of law enforcement. My grandfather was a retired cheif of police in small town USA. My two cousins, one retired from State troopers and the other is active deputy sheriff ( DEA. ) I was yelling for the poilce to not taze him or it would kill him, to put their guns down and stand down to wait for the paramedics. Thank God the paramedics showed up and was able to get him on a gurney and velcro him completly to the thing. They carted him off to the hospital as I was telling the police and paramedics what had happened. Needless to say the next 48 hours was He||. My children were all in shock. I was trying to not be in shock. I learned in the ER that his heart was ready to explode and the docs were putting him in a drug induced coma. To make a very long story short. 2 days later, extreemly pissed off when he woke up, after they took the breathing tubes out of his throat. He proceeds to rip out all the IV's and other lines. Blames me for the entire ordeal and walks out of the hospital. We ( unbelieveably ) went on with our vacation like nothing ever happened. I was so pissed at him the entire time I couldnt hardly look at him or talk to him. Everything that came out of my mouth was negative and hateful. He made me sick to my stomach. It was at that point I lost all respect for him. I looked at him like the weakest link he was. And I knew then I was finished with this whole mess. I was done with this marriage and him and all the lies, hurt, pain, abuse. So we finally get home. My oldest son had already been in much trouble with alcohol and drug abuse. My middle son went from being a above avarage student and wearing nice clothes to failing everything and wearing all black, dying his hair black, painting his nails black. I often talked to him about depression. He told me he wasnt depressed. He just didnt give a damm anymore. I was still using, but at a much less amount than ever before in the privious years. I was trying to quit but didnt know how. Within a month after returning home. The moron wrecked a dirt bike high and drunk and borke his leg. He became addicted to pain killers at that time. two months later, about to get out of the cats, he falls and breaks the same leg again in another area of his leg. MORON! By now he is using a massive amout of various pain killers which included Diladid, Morophine, Percocetts, Vicodin along with his usual bottle a day of vodka and massive amoutns of crack cocaine and cocaine. The man is friggin' 52 at this time and was headed for death. And by now thats all he talks about. All he says to me and the kids is he wants to die. And Deep down inside we all wished he would most of the time. Life had been a roller coaster for so long. Daily ups and downs. The kids and I had learned to walk on eggshells for so long that it was normal now. My oldest son and youngest son had become so enraged with him they wanted to hurt him most of the time. My youngest was hating everything and often used the word hate. " I hate you, I hate this life, I hate my life, " I had heard this from my other two sons as well. And the moron is continuing with his death wishes. I began by going to AA. And then NA. I had to do this on the downlow because I had never been allowed to go anywhere or have friends. I had no control over any money, banking info or details of money. In fact I had been told we really just had enough to pay the bills and have a little left to party with. I found out after the overdose he had no life insurance. He had no retirement either. As messed up as my dad and mom were. At least my dad retired from General Motors ( way before the crash of the car industry ) And had saved his whole life for retirement. He was now comfortably living in Florida retired. He had a hefty life insurance deal. So this is what I thought you were supposed to do in life. Work and save for the future. I was once again SHOCKED to learn we had NOTHING. The moron had years earlier talkked me into re-financing our home. And we built a huge addition to our home using some sort of home equity loan. Yeah.. our monthly house payment went from a mere $500 to over $800. We had a driveway full of cars because he is in the collision industry. He often bought wrecked vehicles, fixed them as wel as washed the titles and sold them for a hefty price. And then he banked all the money and told me I smoked it all it up. Yeah Right... I had one vehicle that I managed to get him to put it in my name only after this one time I had left him due to all the friggin drug, mental and physical abuse. I went to my moms with ( then only two sons ). And the minute he found out I had a job, he came and took my car. So after that I told him if he didnt put a car in my name I would leave and wouldnt care if I had a car. My family would surely help me out with a car. But he actually did put a car in my name. It wasnt the greatest of cars. But it was dependable and not a horrible car. He||, it ran and had tires! I was happy about it. And so, here I was hiding that fact I was in AA and NA. I was turning down all his drugs. ( he had been my dealer and pimp for now 19 years. ) I went from AA and NA and was reffered by someone to attend " eggshell " meeting with women of abusive and controlling relationships-marriages. So I went, it was at a church and I was thinking I didnt want to get all religious at that point. But it wasnt like that at all. I didnt have to be affliated with the church at all. So I went to those meeting and quickly realized ALOT. That I had been controlled from practically day one. I began to think this man knew exactly what he was doing when he met me, moved in togehter and then married. He knew.. He had a plan and he knew exactly how to get me to conform to addictions and then become the most co-dependant woman on this planet and perhaps beyond! Right after his overdose I began having panic attacks. I thought I was dying the first time it happened. turns out it was a classic panic attack. And I remembered having them as a child. But they werent nearly this intense. So my doctor put me on Xanas to begin with. Now I had been on them for 2 years. And was stepped up to valium because the xanax was just not working. So to make that story shorter. At one point I was using crack, snorting coke then coming down by drinking some alcohol and taking a xanax or valium. I never abused my anxiety pills. They were infact controlled and I was tested monthly by my doc. Otherwise I probably would have taken more to go to sleep after days of being whacked out on crack & coke. After the overdose I began sleeping on the couch. As I was getting and trying to stay sober. Now it had been three years and I was still on the couch. I had just had it. I had it with everything. I was now learning so much so fast. I just wanted out. I didnt care about anything anymore. Well, I really did.. But I didnt want to care anymore. I never though of suicide, amazingly enough. But I did want out. And I didnt care anymore if I would lose my house or my ass. I just wanted out. I went from the eggshells meeting to being reffered once again to the Abuse Rape and Crisis Shelter. So I staretd talking to them. I had been on the phone with them for almost a year. Then they reffered me to a threapist of abuse rape and crisis.
I started seeing her. She basically had this huge board of paper and asked me a ton of appropriate questions and wrote them down on this huge board for me to see clearly. I begand to see patterns. Ups and Downs. It wasnt a shock , but it was really making sence to me. After several visits, she assured me that I could get out safely and broing my youngest son too. That we would be so much better off than living in that he||. And she was right. I had told my family for so long all the issues and had told them forever that I was leaving him. To the point none of them listened to me anymore. I had been sober for almost a year. Moron was still using his various tons of stuff. My oldest son was constantly in and out of trouble with the law. He was addicted to weed, pills and alcohol. My middle son was now on probation for the second time, in and out of drug and alcohol counselling. And I was runing everyone everywhere. My oldest son had lost his drivers license and was working, so I had to drive him. My middle son had to attend D&A meetings and probation once a week. My youngest son wouldnt ride the bus too and from school so that was a daily drive for me. Plus he was failing miserably in shcool and having socail issues. I was the ever loving mother and wife. I did every single thing except go to a job and clock in. Seriously. Everything else in life, other than clocking in at a job, was my responsibility. And I was told I didnt deserve anything because I didnt work. Oh Gosh that really pissed me off. Moron was coming home everyday and locking himself in the bedroom, watching his p0rn and using his massive death wishes. Leaving behind stacks of empty liqure bottles filed with **** over the bedroom. In the closets and under the bed. My older sons sometimes helped me clean out that bedroom and we were always disgusted at the scene. I had been saving money here and there for months, as I was told to try and do by the abuse therapist. And one day, He said something to me I'll never foregt as long as I live. He told me I was crazy. Crazy just like my mother. That I had conjured so much stuff up in my head that I had just lost it. That there had never been anything wrong with him and I was to blame for everything. And I was just as crazy as my mother. I had been sober for a year then. I knew what he was saying was complete BS. I just couldnt believe he actually said ti and believed it. So, the next day, I just woke up and decided this was the day. Just like that. I had managed to save about $900. Which was ALOT ot me. And he didnt even know!
I was only allowed to have some clothes and a few personal items. I packed exactly 5 changes of clothing and some personal items for myself and my youngest son. We stayed at a hotel that first night as I had to leave my cell phone behind due to the probability he might have a GPS on it and I had bought a new phone. I had written down all the phone numbers I would need over the next several months. And I gathered my thouhgts and then made some phone calls. I told my family I was leaving him for good. Of course they listened, but they didnt believe me. And the next day my youngest son ( who was 8 then ) and I went deep underground into an abuse shelter. I was in a new city. I didnt know my way around. There were many rules that I followed to a tee. And nightly my car had to be parked at the police department parking lot. I was driven to and from the police department daily for 5 weeks. I quickly realized he took me off the bank account. I was on checking only. And had recently obtained a debit/ credit card from that bank. Which now was no good. He then took me off the medical insurance. I had been forewarned that this all would happen. He had no idea where I was and I tried to stay in contact with my family as much as possible in those initial several weeks. They all told me he had been calling them and wanted to talk to me. He asked to see me several times. He cried to them. My dad wasnt having any of it and always hing up on him. My brother would listen to him and then give him he|| for the way he did our lives over the course of 19 years. And all the he|| he had put me through. As well as gave him he|| for what all of the issues had done to the kids and how much trouble they had been in for years. Basically my brother wasnt about to let the moron play victim. I was taught how to get on welfare. And then I was helped getting my own first apartment. OMG.. what a reliefe not to live in that shelter anymore. But here I was in this nice new apartment with absulotly nothing but 5 changes of clothing and a few personal items. So I bought two air matteresses, two sheet sets and two pillows for me and my son. Several weeks went by. I didnt say a word to my family about how we had nothing. I was just happy to be away from all the chaos, confusion and drama of druh he|| with moron. And I didnt have to run my a$$ off anyore with my older sons. I was still doing AA. I was beginning to learn how everyone had become so dependant on me. And letting go might be hard. But it would be best. That people have choises to make and alot of times they are hard, difficult choises. But it is untilamtely their choise. And I had to make my choises as well. I remember the first time I heard " If you are part of the problem, you are not part of the solution. " I took alot of those little saying to heart. I recited them daily ALOT. Finally after 7 weeks, a Catholic church came and gave us a couch, a table with 2 chairs and a tv. We were so grateful!! We felt blessed. And we were! Another couple months went by and we gained beds and clothing and towels and a few other things like pots and pans. You have no idea what you have untill its all gone and you have absolutly nothing. I felt homeless ( and I actually was in all reality ) but I had an apartment. I had food. I had a few things now. And somehow life was begining to get alittle better. Welfare was rough. I dont know how people live on that stuff ! I certainly couldnt do it for long. I hadnt worked in over 23 years. I had never went back to school, graduated or obtained my GED. I had been a mother and housewife for the majority of my adult life. The emotionalk and physical abuse had taken a seriousl toll on my body and mind. I am still suffering from all that and I fear it will never get any better than what it is now. I'm in pain all the time. I suffer from depression. I went to see a shrink a few months ago and after a few weeks, he put me on the same anxiety meds I had started out on years ago and had worked my butt off to get away from. And he prescribed some Anti depressant. I honestly thought that I was just going through alot, nearing the end of the dirvorce. I had recently been awarded primary custody of my youngest son. I was recieving child and spousal supports. Life was getting alot better. But now I am thinking maybe I should go back for help. There is deffinatly something going on with my mind. I dont trust anyone in real life. I have begun to isolate myself in this apartment just fater learning 5 weeks ago that I have lupus. I have no medical insurance so I am just letting that go for now. It's all I can do. I'm exausted all the time. I have begun to cry daily. Not constantly, but at least a few times a day for short periods of time. I dont really want to or have the need to go anywhere or do anything much. But I take good care of my place and my things and my son. I try to take good care of myself. I dont always do that though. It's like I have spent my entire life doing for everyone else but myself. And I just dont know how to do for myself. The AXH now had every other weekend parenting time with our toungest son. And he stresses me out to no end when its his weekend. It's always something so stupid and lame. Friday he borught me papers on Reconcillation.. Like Seriously.. I dont love you like that anymore. I didnt know what to say. I just sat the papers down and went on about my business. Then days later, after my son returned home. I read them. And it angered me. Because I realized there would never be a reconcillation. I do keep him at arms length because he is good with cars and my car is a piece of crap that I am ever so grateful to have. While he has all the race cars and nice vehicles. He kept our home of 18 years. He got basically everything. One thing he didnt get was OUT. And I got OUT.. plus I got s ton of money that he claimed we never had! I feel absolutly lucky. I have my son and we are doing ALOT better. The AXH is still using. He denies ( of course he drnies ) that he uses, but I can deffinatly tell he is. He is drinking alot and often is drunk. He's back to smoking pot too. he is just muddling along in life like nothing much happened. But still texts me and lets me know how much he misses me and loves me. He tells me how I was this huge part of his life for 20 years. And the any conversation we have is " him him him.. " I havw become sick of it all. I am just not going to put myself out there anymore to even accept his texts or calls. I will ignore him. And actually this new thing of him texting me and telling me stuff has led me to here, to this site. trying to figure out what the he|| went wrong. When infact I know what all went wrong. Eveything went wrong. From the get go, everything was wrong. I was lied too and decieved. I was led to believe and then ultimatly blamed, physically and emotionally abused as well as my kids were too. Everything went to He||. And I picked up what tiny pieces I had and have tried to move on. He hasnt changed a bit and he seems to be moving on. But is drawing me again again or trying too. Dont get me wrong folks. I deffinatly know how to put my foot down and tell him to F-Off and leave me alone. And he probably would if I did. I'm just trying to learn all these things that I had no idea even had a name. Such as Co-Dependancy, and Gaslighting. The list goes on and on. This site has opened my eyes and also opened up a can of worms that I hadnt dealt with before. When I realized yesterday about Co-Dependancy and Gaslighting. I started to cry. Like everything hit home and I just sat there and cried. Reading these stories are enpowering but at the same time so touching, so real to me, so true that it is overwhelming. But maybe its exactly what I need. And so there you have it. Any suggestions ( positive ) would be appriciated. I am going to sit back and read my own story 100 times untill something more sinks in and I feel like talking about it. I am sure I left out a TON of stuff. So if you find another post on another story of mine. Dont be suprised. It'll be something I forgot to mention or left out accidently. My heart and positive vibes go out to all of you, struggling, surrfering, hurt, confused and in pain. I completly understand each and everyone of you. I might not agree with everything. But portions and parst I completly understand I try to understand if I dont understand. None of us are the same. But all of us are in pretty much the same boats with addictions, ex's, lovers, friends, family, families, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationships, alcohol,eating, dependancy, co-dependancy, struggling and just trying to breath in these moments of every aspect we do daily to survive. I wish you all the best! The best of everything life has to offer! Today is a new day. Make it COUNT! ( That would be the pot calling the kettle black again .. )
Lots of Love! ~GT2~
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