He chose alchohol over me.

Old 07-02-2012, 07:17 PM
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He chose alchohol over me.

I have been married to a bi-polar man for 4 years. At first he was on medication and, also self medicating with alchohol. It eventually turned into full alchoholism(including life threatening health problems.) and no meds. When he was sober he was wonderfull and loving. Then he would drink and scream at me and blame me for everything that made him unhappy.The police would visit our house at least five times a year.The last time was 4 days ago and he is gone for good I assure you. He called me and said he was choosing alchohol over me.He keeps calling me just to put me down then he gets drunk and calls me and says how much he loves me.So I went out and bought a new cell phone so he can't contact me on our joint phone account. I have a rough road ahead because he was a good earner and my income is quite low,but I have a new found peace in my home. Allthough; I am so angry with myself for allowing this to happen for so long. I have always had great self esteme and truly loved myself in a very healthy way. I honestly felt that I was under his spell.I have lost most of my friends because he was so rude to them and they couldn't understand why I stayed.I was wondering if there are actually women who enjoy being with men like this.Is this co-dependency? I really need to get rid of this anger somehow. Any suggestions.
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:21 PM
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You can start by blocking him on any other communication devices. You don't need to listen to him degrading you. He is miserable and just wants to drag you down into the same hole he has managed to dig for himself. The longer you go without having to deal with him, the stronger you will become.

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Many of us have been in the same or very similar situations, so we understand what you are going through. Please read around the forum and post often. It will help.
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:43 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will continue to post and read as often as needed. We are here to support you.

I understand the anger.
I found that I thought I was angry with him, but I was more angry with myself for accepting unacceptable behavior......over and over again.

I learned how to start expressing my anger in ways that did not harm others. (keeping it bottled up inside is not a healthy option).

Some things that worked for me:
Screaming and cursing
Screaming and cursing in my car with the stereo up.
Screaming and cursing in my car with the stereo up and punching the seat beside me (not my favorite as it hurt my hand)
Punching a pillow and yelling.

It's okay to scream and vent your frustration.

I have a funny story about one night I was soooooo very angry. I hopped in my car and headed to an Alanon meeting. I turned up the stereo in the car and scream, yelled cursed and just got it all out of my system.
When I arrived at my Alanon meeting, my voice was hoarse from the yelling.
The funny part: a fellow Alanoid (another member) was also hoarse from having done the same thing on her way to the meeting that night! We laughed till we cried!

I do suggest finding a local Alanon meeting for face to face support. It helped put me on the path to a healthier, happier me.

Let us know how we can help you find your way back to a healthier, happier YOU
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:53 PM
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I wouldn't say women like myself enjoy being with men like this. I would say that there were many good things about my relationship with my AX, and that I was slowly conditioned over time to accept the bad things. After a while, my reality became his reality, a twisted one that I had a hard time finding my way out of. But it finally did happen. But yes, I was codependent. I strongly urge you to learn all you can about codependency. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did.

I hope that you will reach out to those old friends and if they are true friends, they will be there for you again. Many people don't understand what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. You might find support and new friends in groups like AlAnon and groups for survivors of physical/emotional abuse. Therapy is great too, if you can afford it.

Don't be angry at yourself! There is no point. You did the best you could at the time. You will once again be financially stable if you work on your healing and move forward. Things will not always be the way they are right now. You have to believe that things will get better.

Abusers tend to pick strong people to latch on to. Only strong people could endure the chaos. Take your strength and apply it to your own life now. Let go of your regrets, move forward, and don't look back. You can do it!
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:13 PM
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You asked if there are women who enjoy being with men like this. And you also wonder how you could have become so lost from yourself in the relationship and stayed in it.

I don't think there are women who enjoy men like this, other than women who have severe personality disorders who are unable to function normally in any area of life and for whom chaos is the norm.

You said he was wonderful and loving when sober: THAT is what keeps a woman in the relationship.

And the swings. The mood swings. The personality swings. The swings from drunk to sober. The swings from manic to depressive. The swings from endearing to brutalizing. The swings from abandoning to embracing. The swings from violent rage to soft steady tears.

Those swings never happen in exactly the same way. They never happen with the same triggers or the same time of day or night. And often the bad is so bad, it is so explosive and horrible, that afterwards--after all the crying and pleading and forgiveness and love-making that follows-- the spouse thinks that such an event could never ever possibly happen again, it was so explosive and horrible, surely that was the worst and it's behind them now, and cleaning up the wreckage has even catapulted them into a new fresh start and deepened their connection beyond what they could ever have imagined.

And it is true: that same explosive and horrible event never happens again in exactly the same way or on the same day or with the same trigger.

Something UNBELIEVABLE happens instead. And the two survive it, they clean up the wreckage, cry and forgive and make love and feel ever more committed now that that horror is behind them, and....then....when the spouse least expects it.....

Something UNBELIEVABLE happens.

This was the pattern of Lois Wilson and her husband, Bill W., who founded Alcoholics Anonymous. If you read their story, the decades of one unbelievable explosive crisis after another in their marriage, surely the last, but it never was, not for decades.....you will forgive yourself for hanging on. Lois hung on, too. Because she thought surely he was done. And he wasn't. The unbelievable was just around the corner.

But Bill W., by God's grace, had a psychic conversion, a complete spiritual tsunami, which changed him forever-- and he never drank again.

Had he continued drinking, they both would likely have simply died, terrible deaths. Too young. Broken by the unbelievable.

Be kind to yourself. And seek safe sober people.
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:15 PM
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'Dont look back in anger' lyrics from an Oasis song.

Anger is what finally made me move forward and leave a verbally abusive husband after 23 yrs, so Im all for it.

Anger soon disappears when you feel and enjoy the calm and peace in your life again.

I agree - go no contact, councelling if you can afford it, Al-anon, keep visiting SR and read and gain knowledge from the many suggested books on this website.
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:48 PM
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Number one priority: no contact for any reason. For me the more active I got physically the better I felt. 20 minutes of fast walking per day really helped me get more calmer and centered. Al-anon is a lifesaver and I suggest going to as many meetings as possible. Get phone numbers so you can talk. You WILL get through this, I promise. He is a sick person but you will heal and grow as a person from this. God bless...
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:51 PM
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Reading Codependent No More is really helping me. It's in our nature to be caretakers, but you CAN take it too far...to a place where you lose yourself. Reading this book is helping me deal with the guilt and foolishness I was feeling. You are not alone!
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