SoulforMySoul

I have specific things I would like to talk about and am not sure which thread I should post on. If this is in the wrong place I apologize but I could not find a similar thread through the search. I am honestly not sure if I'm an alcoholic or not. I've been told that if you have to ask yourself, you most likely are. I'm 24 years old. I have been drinking recreationally since I was 16 years old. I have at least 8 family members who are/were alcoholics. I stopped drinking after a very long relationship that went bad. My partner was not ready to stop drinking and I was. We would fight and he started to become physical. I started to get physical back.. I stopped drinking and things got really bad when he would come home drunk and I was sober. I left him and stopped drinking for a year. I got into a new relationship after 6 months and am still with the same person. He is incredible. We have always gotten along so well. After we got comfortable I began drinking again. He would drink every now and then but not like me. I have never drank every single day, it's always on the weekends and maybe 3 times a month so I figured there was no harm done. I have a history of experiencing the "blackout drunk". As far back as 15 years old I know this has happened to me. I have urinated on myself several times and had no idea until I woke up. I've punched people and had zero memory of it but the scariest part is.. When I've ended up sleeping with someone and not remembering how I got where I was. I have read several things on here where people say that it's not an excuse and I do understand that. I just want to figure out why I do this. For the first time in my life I cheated while being blackout drunk. I knew I had cheated when I woke up and saw myself and my surroundings. I was very honest and my boyfriend decided to give me another chance. Just when things had gotten better between us and I felt him trusting me again, I went on a couple of binge nights very recently. I kept coming home later and later and he knew I was with trusted friends so he did not worry. I didn't let things get out of hand for the longest time and then.. I messed up. I was being pursued by a really good looking sweet talker. I have low self esteem and I sometimes let it control me. I had the second worst blackout drunk of my whole life. I remember going into his house. He had asked me to just come in and talk. He knew I ha a boyfriend. I rejected him and he begged me. I then made a decision that my very intelligent sober self would have never made.. I went in because he said he just wanted to talk and I was naive enough to believe him in my current state. I remember him insisting once we were inside that I kiss him and I repeatedly said no. He asked me to lay down and I said no. I went to a nearby couch and fell asleep. The next thing I remembered he was laying beside of me and his pants were unbuttoned and barely pulled down. All of my clothes were normal. I don't know what happened and what did not happen. I was startled and ran out. I have asked him since then what happened in person and he said I had nothing to worry about but would not elaborate. This was in a group of friends because I don't want to be alone with him. I have texted him and begged for answers. He will not reply. My boyfriend told me the day after the incident that he wanted to take a break. I told him that I fell asleep on the couch and that I woke up started and ran out but did not tell him everything because I don't know what the truth is. I'm not sure why it took me so long but for the first time I admitted to myself that I have a problem. I admitted this to my boyfriend and promised myself that I would never drink again. Not even a sip. I'm a strong person and I know I can do this. I know if I'm sober I would never let anything happen that would hurt myself or my boyfriend. Alcohol is my problem. He had not taken me back but things are much better. I'm just still uncertain about what happened and am starting to hate myself more and more each day. I always try to be as honest as possible but I am positive if I'm honest about the possibility that something could have happened, he will he done with me for good. If he leaves me I don't think I can handle it. He left for a couple of months the first time that something happened and I was completely self destructive. I didn't drink because I was serious about trying to change. I stopped eating almost completely just because.. I couldn't when I tried. I have never felt depressed in my life but did for the first time. When I finally started to feel better he told me he wanted to give me another shot. I am afraid of what I might do if I lose him. He's my best friend and I've never even come close to hurting him unless I was so drunk that I have no recollection of what I was doing. I know everyone will say that it's not an excuse. It might not be an excuse but I know it's true. I know I'm horrible. I just want to improve myself and be sober. I want to be loyal to him and make him happy. Am I just completely insane? I told him that I don't want us to be serious for a long time. I want to take things slow so we make sure that I can do what I say I'm going to do. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. He is aware that I was blackout drunk that night. Since then I have figured out that the guy does this quite frequently.. So just to he safe I'm getting tested. I need some feedback but I really do not want a ton of negative feedback. I'm already really hard on myself and want to hear of some other people on my side of this situation. People that have made mistakes and recovered from them.

sober4myboys

I think sobriety sounds like a GREAT idea! Join me and we can go through the journey together :0).

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you recognize that you need to stop drinking because dangerous things are happening when you are drunk. I understand that you are a good person. Alcoholism isn't a character defect. It's a disease. You can learn to live a sober life and be the person you want to be. Good for you for deciding to change your life and for learning from past mistakes.

Now for the part you won't want to hear. What I hear in your post is all about your boyfriend and your relationship. What about you? What are your plans for yourself? Do you have a job you love? Recovery is really hard work and it's something you must do for yourself, not for your relationship or your boyfriend. It's about you as a person. My advice is to focus on healing yourself and recovering and the relationship issues will work themselves out, one way or the other.

Sapling

Welcome to SR SoulforMySoul...You're in a good place!

SoulforMySoul

@anna. I haven't used message boards much so I hit reply but it didn't post it to you directly. Sorry. :/ to answer you, I do not love my job. It's a decent job. I work for a doctor. I guess I'm afraid if I give too much information about myself someone will know who I am. I know it's silly I'm just do nervous about everything. I know most of what I say is about my boyfriend and I. I guess that's because he's the most support I've ever had, and I don't know if I can do this without him but I also don't want to make his life worse. I do want to focus on myself. I just don't want to be selfish in the process. He wants to stay and help me through this I guess I'm jus feeling guilty because of the unknown. I keep telling myself to just focus on me and everything will work out. I'm just filled with anxiety and so emotional. Thank you for not being judgmental. I really appreciate it.

miko67

I'm a self destruct drunk too. I think to avoid this same result we must alter the process, the abstaining is only for me now. I
I started making massive mistakes while drinking saying thugs I didnt mean, doing things out of character. I just couldn't change it for the life of me. I could stop for month or so, then go back mess up again after a while.
Its sounds like your a good person, U R hurting. Its alcohols curse though don't beat yourself up. I and probably every single person here has been there.
Good luck in changing your ways.

2granddaughters

Have you thought about going to AA meetings?

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

I didn't mean for you to disclose more info here, and good on you for being aware of not sharing too much. It was more to get you thinking along those lines, that's all.

I think you might need to be selfish in early recovery, at least somewhat. I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive, but it's hard for others to really understand how hard this is. You're so right to try to focus on yourself and your recovery. It's normal to have lots of fear and anxiety at the outset because it's all the unknown. We do understand.

DisplacedGRITS

An alcoholic isn't an alcoholic because they drink every day. If alcohol is having a negative impact on your life and you feel that when you drink you are powerless against alcohol then you may consider yourself an alcoholic. It's ok. It may sound like a negative thing but really it's just a term we use that helps us to understand our disease better. It sounds like abstaining from alcohol is the way to go if you really want to have some more control over your life and if you want to ensure your loyalty to your boyfriend. It seems that you've been taken advantage of while you've been drinking. I've nearly had it done to me as well and i'm married to an amazing man and the offender was a friend. All i know now is that i have to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening again and the best thing i can do is not drink.

How long have you two been together? Are you comfortable telling him that you think that drinking is unhealthy for you mind, body and soul? You are making a very mature and positive choice in your life right now. Many of us have made the decision to get sober after we paid for many bad decisions so don't worry. You are among peers here. You will not be judge here, only loved and supported and advised. Welcome to the forums. I hope we can help.

SoulforMySoul

Sorry that I misunderstood about the job situation. I understand what you meant for me to take from it now. His parents were both addicts so I think that's why he is so understanding. They are clean now and happy. I thought about talking to his mom about my drinking. She's a very caring, understanding person. Thank you again. I'll continue to come on here, all of my friends binge drink regularly so it might be time to make new friends. Thank you again.

SoulforMySoul

We have been together for a year and a half. I was honest with him about the alcohol abuse and told him that I think I have a problem and we have talked openly about it. He's very caring and listens. He even decided to stop drinking in order to support me even though he drinks responsibly and doesn't have to. I guess that's why I am beating myself up so much because he's so selfless and I haven't been. I think all of my drinking comes from my low self esteem. It makes me feel more confident and I worry less. but
When it's over I feel the opposite. It might sound silly but last time I stopped drinking I used exercise as an outlet so I think I will do that again. I gain confidence without the use of alcohol, and it helps with my self esteem issues. Is it true that this can stem from genetics as well or is that a myth?

So far everyone has been so kind on here that I tear up reading each comment. Thank you so much.

SoulforMySoul

@2granddaughters I tried to quote reply to you and it kept putting other users comments in the quote. I have thought about going to AA but wasn't sure about it. That's why I was trying this forum first to see if I should.

Sapling

I use AA and this site for my recovery...It works for me...If you are interested in a meeting...Check out this site...Some good stuff.

Your First AA Meeting<

Steve07

Welcome, one thing for certain is there is no shortage of people who understand what you are going through here and are here to support you along this journey. Exercise is a great way to help cope with many different areas of life, self-esteem, general improvement of health, mental health improvement etc. Keep posting and let us know how you are getting along.

DisplacedGRITS

Hey Soul we're kinda in the same boat! My husband gave up drinking for me when we decided my drinking had become a problem. He was so selfless and i was so selfish. I continued to drink for another year and a half and i felt so horrible and so confused. He was able to give it up for me but i couldn't give it up for him. It wasn't until i started going to AA, admitted defeat and that i was powerless against alcohol (there's no such thing as "only a couple" for me) and truly wanted sobriety for myself that i found my path to sobriety. My drinking stemmed from fellings of worthlessness and low self esteem from my childhood on to my adult life. I realize now how my alcoholism only increased those feelings. Sobriety makes you face them and with help realize that you may not be perfect but your worth sobriety and your worthy of love, respect and just as good as anyone else.

conradthe3rd

you are definatly not alone, alochol was my best friend ,it made me more social and outgoing, then it turned on me, any good times were always followed by depression and feeling bad about myself, i am new here too, but it seems like a great place to talk and learn

2granddaughters

AA has filled the bill for me for nearly 23 years. You would be right at home there.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Hi SoulForMySoul

I think when drinking puts us in embarrassing situations, it's bad enough, but when it puts us in dangerous ones, it doesn't really matter whether we're alcoholic or not.

I'm really glad you're here, and really glad you want to stop - welcome to SR

D

SoulforMySoul

@displacedGRITS It feels good to know that I'm not the only one. You've been an incredible help. I just need to stay in touch with this forum as much as possible. At my age drinking is the way to celebrate any and everything. The sad part is so many people around me are doing the same thing and it's normal to this generation. At least where I live. It's hard to see that you have a problem when everyone around you is doing the same thing. Recently I've been out and did not drink and the most frequent thing said to me was, "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you drinking?" It's sad but I want to be different than them.

Stevie1

Hi Soul - first off, you aren't horrible or weak or morally deficient...alcohol can make it SEEM that way though!

I would read Anna's #3 post again, and again, though. Where are YOUR wants, desires, goals, likes, dislikes? I think this is really, really important. Your posts are about your boyfriend and this other guy, but where are you in all of this? We don't care about the "perfect boyfriend" or the other idiot, this is a platform for you and your feelings, not you as reflected in the viewpoint of some guy.

IMHO the propensity for alcoholism is very often genetically acquired; certainly true in my family and no doubt true for many here. That is a reason, not an excuse though.