marliese22

Have been married to a man who has been drinking since he was 14, we have been married 26 years. For years he would drink 4-5 nights a week at times a 6 pack or more a night. Much more on the weekends. My boys now 19 and 22 and I have suffered verbal abuse thru all of this. Things have gotten worse as the boys have gotten older and now stand up to there father and no longer treat him with respect. Last Nov I asked him to leave ,he did. Did not drink for 4 months. I was asking him to go to marriage counseling finally after the 5th month he said he would go and we started about 2 months ago. He has agreed not to drink around me but wants to drink with his friends when I am not around. This is not working the first fri night we were to spend together he showed up about 2 hrs late and very drunk he said he was sorry but blamed it on me that I did not call him and let him know I was there. It had been discussed that I would meet him there. I feel things are spiralling right back where they were I feel bad as he has aliented a lot of his friends and all of his family and mine. He has no-one expect the people he drinks with. I care about him and want him to get the help he needs. He just cannot drink period. Any advise out there has someone been thru something similar. Please I know I am crazy for caring anymore but I do. He has a very good job and very rarely misses work and this makes him feel this is all ok

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You are not alone! You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. I hope you will stick around, make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I understand wanting to have a date night with your husband, your sober husband and then having it fall apart on his end ~ and blaming anything and everything for why he couldn't stay sober for date night. It's called blame-shifting and it is a common technique of alcoholics. Active alcoholics are experts at blaming others, blaming circumstances, blaming past histories, blaming the color of the sky........

This is one of the symptoms of alcoholism that progresses. It gets worse, not better.

I learned about the 3 C's of alcoholism when I first arrived:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

The alcoholism and all it's behaviors belongs to the addict. So do the consequences.

Here is a link to an older SR post. This post contains steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

dollydo

Honestly, he is just doing what addicts do, there is nothing unusual about his behavior.

IMHO until he gets sober and embraces a strong recovery program for life nothing will change and marriage counceling is a waste of time.

Are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read any books on codependency? I would
recommend both.

As for your sons...good for them, they need to stay an arms length away from him, perhaps it would be in your best interest to do the same.

Trilogy

Wow, I can totally relate. Even with a functioning alcoholic , it finally gets to the point where they cannot keep up the facade. I have been married for 29 years and my adult daughters( 24, 25 and 29 yo) are recently shocked by developements that affect them directly. They have known there has been a "problem" for years, but totally unprepared for how bad it is. I have always tried to keep them out of the loop- it is a sticky situation because it is their father and I feel as though I can't really talk to them about it- it would appear as if I were"pressing my agenda". I have been lonely in this regard because I don't feel as though I can go anywhere to talk or get support except for this forum. I am a very private person and have tried Alanon, but I am uncomfortable in group settings. If you are comfortable with groups, I would suggest you try Alanon. It seems like a supportive, understanding and non-judgemental place to be.

NYCDoglvr

It helps to understand that alcoholism is a progressive disease. While he drinks his consumption will increase. Honestly, there is nothing you can do or say that will in any way affect his drinking. I strongly recommend Al-anon, which teaches us to set boundaries to cut down on the negative consequences of living with a drunk. All you can do is take care of yourself and your children, try to lessen the harm.

marliese22

Thanks for posting. I have spent so many years thinking that people did not know what was going on. They just gave up on us as friends and my AH had me believing it was my fault we did not have friends. Recently I have seen some of those friends and told them about us being separated and they let me know that the loss of friendship was due to his drinking and good for me. Unfortunately for my boys they were directly involved because of spending time doing things with their dad. Found out just recently that AH had had my youngest son drive home when my son was 13 and my AH was to drunk to drive. What else happened I don't know. I just know that they are angry with me for letting these things happen. They did not tell me what was going on and I now feel guilty that I did not see it or maybe just did not want to see it. I have to go on from here. I feel myself wavering when we spend time together and he is sober but I know he is still drinking and can he lay the guilt trip on me about everything he feels is causing him to drink. Talk to your girls they probably had an inkling as to what was going on and need to talk also

marliese22

I had let my ah know that I was no longer willing to go along with his drinking when I was not around. He felt everything was OK as long as he did not drink when I was around. Problem he would drink before I show up and be drunk by then or do it after he left me would go to the bar and drive to his house drunk. I let him know I wanted him to quit completely. Two days later I get a text cannot quit under your terms has to be on my terms then goes on to say how much I had hurt him. Have not talked to him since it;s been 5 days when I feel like I am Wavering I come on this site to gain the right perspective .I know he has to quit under his own terms or it wont be for good. But I will no longer take the stuff I have taken all these 26yrs. My family has really suffered and I cannot let it go on. Wish I had the courage to do this years ago.

Learn2Live

You have asked him to quit drinking and he does not want to. We're not talking about some harmless habit like talking too fast, or moving your coffee mug, or taking a shower when you want to take a shower. He is an alcoholic and that is not something that is easily changed. I advise that you stop seeing him as a "functioning alcoholic" because all that labeling does is fool you into denying that there is a problem. Alcoholism is progressive, it gets worse as they continue to drink. It will take more and more alcohol consumption to feel the same effects.

I don't know how anyone lives with an active alcoholic or a dry one who seeks no treatment or recovery. Please go to Al-Anon.

CeciliaV

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your AH is right in one aspect - he has to quit on his own terms. If he's not ready to quit, he won't. This is probably the hardest lesson that I've learned with my husband. I used to think that if he loved me enough, or if I asked him in just the right way or convinced him to quit, he would quit drinking. Not so. For any addict, they have to be in a place where they are ready and willing to quit. For your sake and mine and all other spouses/partners/family of A's, I wish it were different.

Good on you for establishing your boundaries. It will take strength and support to stick to those boundaries. Sending you hugs & strength.

marliese22

It is taking much strength to not give in and go see him last night he called my son that lives with my AH to see if he had heard from me. My boys are old enough to get what is happening and they are glad to see me finally doing this for me. My AH is on vacation in our camper at the Lake for the past 3 weeks. After the call to my son my AH texted me that he wished that I was with him if I could just understand. I will not get on that Merry Go Round again. I have to keep telling myself this so that I do not waiver in my resolve. Next week is is 52nd birthday,that will be a big test for me if i do not contact him. I also am missing my weekends at the Lake. This site is a godsend for us all