What can I do? Please...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
What can I do? Please...
Hi , I Have the same problem... First I'm not from here so my English is not that good but hope you guys can help me .
My bf and I have almost 7 months together almost living together and now is a nightmare , he is out of control full of anger and insults;when I met him he was different or he was looking different , he was so respectful and always having fun , I star feeling signals about alcohol like if I was working he was drinking at home alone and don't answer the phone then when I was at home he was drunk but then he acted so nice like making dinners and saying he was drinking cus he had a great day at work then was cus he was upset, then cus is to hot ,summer time , after to Hear all kind of scusses I of tired ...we start to fight cus the drinking issues , one day he kick me out of the house all drunk. And I left him , the next day he was begging me to back home and telling me bulshit how bad he was felling and he loves me and he want I help him and I back home cus yes I love him ,but this happened 4 other time ...and now all the relationship is destroy and I don't know what to do , he just blaim me for everything , he just scream all the time at me for no reason , I believe after drink 24 beers plus wine and shots for the next day his brain and nerves are all destroy , now if I forgot to turn off the light he just bulling me ...I be alive he is angry with his own person , he know all the promises he told me to back home with him and now the only thing he say to me is (he is fine , he don't have any problem and he was fine before he met me ) what I feel right now is sad for me and for him , I was thinking to talk with his family and sister about this because nobody knows about his problem cus he hide this for years , I don't know even if I should talk with him about go to therapy and find help but right now I feel like he hate me ...the worse part is I don't have family here to talk or help either ...
My bf and I have almost 7 months together almost living together and now is a nightmare , he is out of control full of anger and insults;when I met him he was different or he was looking different , he was so respectful and always having fun , I star feeling signals about alcohol like if I was working he was drinking at home alone and don't answer the phone then when I was at home he was drunk but then he acted so nice like making dinners and saying he was drinking cus he had a great day at work then was cus he was upset, then cus is to hot ,summer time , after to Hear all kind of scusses I of tired ...we start to fight cus the drinking issues , one day he kick me out of the house all drunk. And I left him , the next day he was begging me to back home and telling me bulshit how bad he was felling and he loves me and he want I help him and I back home cus yes I love him ,but this happened 4 other time ...and now all the relationship is destroy and I don't know what to do , he just blaim me for everything , he just scream all the time at me for no reason , I believe after drink 24 beers plus wine and shots for the next day his brain and nerves are all destroy , now if I forgot to turn off the light he just bulling me ...I be alive he is angry with his own person , he know all the promises he told me to back home with him and now the only thing he say to me is (he is fine , he don't have any problem and he was fine before he met me ) what I feel right now is sad for me and for him , I was thinking to talk with his family and sister about this because nobody knows about his problem cus he hide this for years , I don't know even if I should talk with him about go to therapy and find help but right now I feel like he hate me ...the worse part is I don't have family here to talk or help either ...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome to SR!
This is who he is - he is showing you.
Is this they type of person you want to spend your ONE precious lifespan with?
You CANNOT change him, only he can decide to do the hard work to change himself, and he may never make that decision. And even if he WANTS to change himself, he has to be willing to do whatever it takes, to make those changes, and keep them.
Sorry about your pain and confusion; alcoholism creates this all around.
CLMI
This is who he is - he is showing you.
Is this they type of person you want to spend your ONE precious lifespan with?
You CANNOT change him, only he can decide to do the hard work to change himself, and he may never make that decision. And even if he WANTS to change himself, he has to be willing to do whatever it takes, to make those changes, and keep them.
Sorry about your pain and confusion; alcoholism creates this all around.
CLMI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
The thing is yes I know , some part of me feels guilti cus in some point he told me ok let's go to therapy but he was to busy working .. In some point he told me (I was thinking you going to find a therapy for us) the thing is he think I need to change and now I think is to late , I feel use ,stupid, silly , my autoestim is under the ground ..and guilty and I don't know why , but now I just trying to make money and find a place to move , yes I feel bad and the only thing I do is crying and pray cus ain't easy be alone in other country caring a guy you love ask for help and then take all your time in that relationship for nothing ...hurts horrible ..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If you are living with him, Galita, you need to stop living with him. Either you move or he moves. This is the best thing for you both. Addiction experts will tell you that it is the best thing for you and it will also help him.
It helps him because he will experience the negative outcome of his drinking. The outcome of drunkenness, bullying, blaming, throwing people out of the home, screaming at them.....is that they LEAVE!
The hardest thing for people who love alcoholics to understand is this: you must stop forgiving the alcoholic for abusing you. You must remove yourself from that abuse. If you stay with an alcoholic who is abusing you, you are helping him stay sick.
You can separate. You can say, "I love you but I can no longer live with your drinking. I cannot be in an unsafe relationship. I am going to remove myself from your life. I will pray you get help for your drinking. And if you ever get sober and stay sober for one year, then I might consider being your friend again."
Keep reading our forum, Galita, and even if you cannot do this today, when you are ready, you can get support here.
Also, Google "Codependents Anonymous" and see if there is a meeting where you live. You won't feel as lonely if you go sit in those meetings. You can also go to Al-Anon. But I think for you CODA might be a good place to start.
You don't have to talk, just listen, people there talk about how they are getting better from unhealthy relationships. You will be very warmly treated.
It helps him because he will experience the negative outcome of his drinking. The outcome of drunkenness, bullying, blaming, throwing people out of the home, screaming at them.....is that they LEAVE!
The hardest thing for people who love alcoholics to understand is this: you must stop forgiving the alcoholic for abusing you. You must remove yourself from that abuse. If you stay with an alcoholic who is abusing you, you are helping him stay sick.
You can separate. You can say, "I love you but I can no longer live with your drinking. I cannot be in an unsafe relationship. I am going to remove myself from your life. I will pray you get help for your drinking. And if you ever get sober and stay sober for one year, then I might consider being your friend again."
Keep reading our forum, Galita, and even if you cannot do this today, when you are ready, you can get support here.
Also, Google "Codependents Anonymous" and see if there is a meeting where you live. You won't feel as lonely if you go sit in those meetings. You can also go to Al-Anon. But I think for you CODA might be a good place to start.
You don't have to talk, just listen, people there talk about how they are getting better from unhealthy relationships. You will be very warmly treated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
Yes and the true I feel he never loved me or he did when he stop to asking me help but know I can't see love just anger and destruction around me ....last night I ask why he start to drinking like crazy again , what's wrong , he answer I'm fine , nothing hapenps to me ..I went out to think and relax , I back home and he told me he was sad cus I took 2hours out of home without him but he wasn't sad , he was anger at me ..we talk before we went to bed and he start to blaiming me , and he can't continue with this relationship ...(is that crazy) I ask yes because your drinking problem and I ask what did you do for this relationship? He say....I pay the food and I give you a place to sleep ....I believe he told me all kind of hurtful things ....but something like that..is he forgot his words? Like this is are home ..I'll change , help me please , let's do it together ?... I ask him again what did you do for us ? For this relationship. , he answer me with the same question ...and I say ....I back 4 time to you , I'll be patience and support you , I been a mother l a nanny , I care more about him than me cus my love and believe ...and I get pay with a kick .... The worse part is he think all what he do is perfect ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Oh good - you did start a new thread! LOL!
Welcome to SR, Galita.
I am sorry for the situation that has brought you here, but do keep reading. I think you may find, like most of us here, that relationships with active alcoholics are mostly impossible, but for a select few who can drink without violence and unpredictable behavior.
Alcoholics think they are never at fault, and often "always perfect", as you say above. That's part of the disease. Its pointless to try to argue or convince someone in this mindset - they won't believe you and you'll end up crazier than they are.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
~T
Welcome to SR, Galita.
I am sorry for the situation that has brought you here, but do keep reading. I think you may find, like most of us here, that relationships with active alcoholics are mostly impossible, but for a select few who can drink without violence and unpredictable behavior.
Alcoholics think they are never at fault, and often "always perfect", as you say above. That's part of the disease. Its pointless to try to argue or convince someone in this mindset - they won't believe you and you'll end up crazier than they are.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so sorry you're in this painful situation. He's done it four times before ........
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You have a choice. You can leave and find a great guy and be happy. Or you can stay in that relationship and keep going through the same thing over and over. If you read the forum you'll learn a great deal about both alcoholics and co-dependents.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You have a choice. You can leave and find a great guy and be happy. Or you can stay in that relationship and keep going through the same thing over and over. If you read the forum you'll learn a great deal about both alcoholics and co-dependents.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
I can see that ... The true is my ex husband abuse me before ,he don't drink just he was aggressive and I leaving him and then my bf knew all this about my pass and he hide all his problem acting ... I ak bout his past all what I hear was the ex was a bitch and cheat on him , I have doubts now , yes I believe in his ex relationship this happened before .. This weekend his friend came to our home and he saw him all wasted eating with his hands and saying I'm the child ... The friend told me he has this problem always and that happened before... Now yes I believe he need to Hit the floor cus I hit it ones before and all what my mind say is safe you first but my heart feels so much pain.... Should I talk with his family before I leave?...I do love him but I'm not from here, I'm alone completely and im losing more here than me ... Dignity, time,progress,autoestim ,getting sick mental,emotional and if I'm still with him I'm afraid he can hit me ... That never happened but i can see that is coming ... Help I need to be strong and don't feel sorry for him ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Galita,
In Raleigh there is an agency that helps women who are being abused or who are afraid they may be hurt by a partner.
It is called InterAct. It has a phone number you can call for advice any time of day or night: 919-828-7740. You can call and ask someone there what is the best way for you to leave the relationship, talk or not talk to his family first, and protect yourself if you think he might become violent. You will get good advice for free from a counselor.
This agency also has support groups of women who have been abused and you could attend one of those for free.
Its address is 1012 Oberlin Road, Raleigh.
In Raleigh there is an agency that helps women who are being abused or who are afraid they may be hurt by a partner.
It is called InterAct. It has a phone number you can call for advice any time of day or night: 919-828-7740. You can call and ask someone there what is the best way for you to leave the relationship, talk or not talk to his family first, and protect yourself if you think he might become violent. You will get good advice for free from a counselor.
This agency also has support groups of women who have been abused and you could attend one of those for free.
Its address is 1012 Oberlin Road, Raleigh.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
I went there ... And believe me I feel so stupid to go again for my ABF .... Shame on me or to innocent to have a similar problem. But this time with an alcoholic , I'm afraid to been trying and trying , I can't be in the same room with him but I don't want he get upset to me and be kick on the street ... I'm trying to safe money and find a place to move and leave ... Yes it's sux... Hate to be alone in a country is not mine but I need to study and be strong... I trying to read a lot to don't get depress or sad finding hope in this darkness ...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Galita!
I think you are doing a great job with your second language! You sound like a smart lady that sees the signs of a bad relationship. Good on you!
Active alcoholics will say, do anything for a short period of time to get their needs met. They want to keep up appearances to the rest of the world. The only one they are fooling is themselves.
I learned to stop listening to an active alcoholics words and start looking at their actions. When I stopped listening to the empty promises, I could see clearly that the actions were being repeated over and over. I kept wanting to believe "it will be different this time" and that kind of thinking kept me stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Please keep reading and posting. We are here to support you.
This is a link to an article on SR. It contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism. I hope you find these steps helpful in your life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I think you are doing a great job with your second language! You sound like a smart lady that sees the signs of a bad relationship. Good on you!
Active alcoholics will say, do anything for a short period of time to get their needs met. They want to keep up appearances to the rest of the world. The only one they are fooling is themselves.
I learned to stop listening to an active alcoholics words and start looking at their actions. When I stopped listening to the empty promises, I could see clearly that the actions were being repeated over and over. I kept wanting to believe "it will be different this time" and that kind of thinking kept me stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Please keep reading and posting. We are here to support you.
This is a link to an article on SR. It contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism. I hope you find these steps helpful in your life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
Thanks ...
yes trying to learn and be strong this blog is amazing ... I was thinking I was alone but I can see some light around ... I go to bed with my Abf everyday is a hard day but hopeful have a nice the end..
yes trying to learn and be strong this blog is amazing ... I was thinking I was alone but I can see some light around ... I go to bed with my Abf everyday is a hard day but hopeful have a nice the end..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Galita,
No shame on you, dear. Nearly every single one of us here have kept returning to the same bad relationship. Many of us also ended one bad relationship and, even though we didn't mean to, we got into another bad one.
Part of the reason is some of us are too trusting (I am), and some of us had childhoods of being abandoned and we do not really expect a partner to treat us well (that has been me, too), and some of us were for some reason isolated like you are and the alcoholic was all we had. There are many reasons we find ourselves in unhappy relationships and don't know what went wrong.
So here you are--with us! Getting better! Wipe away some of those tears, we are angels with computers! We tell stories here about life becoming beautiful again after a lot of pain.
That is going to be your story, too.
Try to trust that. Ask your God for help. And we will keep you in our prayers while help arrives, in many different forms, in many different places. When you make a decision that you want to be free of an unhealthy relationship--as you have done--and reach out--as you are reaching out--help starts arriving.
It's okay to call the InterAct phone number again, if you just want to talk. They hardly ever expect a woman to leave her unhealthy partner right away. And they also understand if she has another unhealthy relationship. They understand that we are all doing our best and learning every day.
In fact, even in Al-Anon--which is where people go to get help for their relationship with an alcoholic--it is a fact that many women go to Al-Anon meetings for many years--many many years--before they finally decide to end their relationship with the alcoholic. It is very normal for people to want to try everything possible, everything they can think of, to make things better with the alcoholic. Then one day--sometimes after many years of trying--they are ready to stop trying.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are kind and good and you deserve better.
No shame on you, dear. Nearly every single one of us here have kept returning to the same bad relationship. Many of us also ended one bad relationship and, even though we didn't mean to, we got into another bad one.
Part of the reason is some of us are too trusting (I am), and some of us had childhoods of being abandoned and we do not really expect a partner to treat us well (that has been me, too), and some of us were for some reason isolated like you are and the alcoholic was all we had. There are many reasons we find ourselves in unhappy relationships and don't know what went wrong.
So here you are--with us! Getting better!
Wipe away some of those tears, we are angels with computers! We tell stories here about life becoming beautiful again after a lot of pain. That is going to be your story, too.
Try to trust that. Ask your God for help. And we will keep you in our prayers while help arrives, in many different forms, in many different places. When you make a decision that you want to be free of an unhealthy relationship--as you have done--and reach out--as you are reaching out--help starts arriving.
It's okay to call the InterAct phone number again, if you just want to talk. They hardly ever expect a woman to leave her unhealthy partner right away. And they also understand if she has another unhealthy relationship. They understand that we are all doing our best and learning every day.
In fact, even in Al-Anon--which is where people go to get help for their relationship with an alcoholic--it is a fact that many women go to Al-Anon meetings for many years--many many years--before they finally decide to end their relationship with the alcoholic. It is very normal for people to want to try everything possible, everything they can think of, to make things better with the alcoholic. Then one day--sometimes after many years of trying--they are ready to stop trying.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are kind and good and you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
Big hugs for you....i can hear in your words how scared and sad you are. i can't imagine how hard this is in a foreign place with no family around you.
You are very smart and there is no shame returning to the place that helped you once before. That's why they are there...to help people who want and need help.....
They want success stories for the efforts they have made to help people, by returning you will become a success story. Don't NOT return for feeling like a failure..... returning is bravery and intelligence, and exactly the kind of person they want (and can) help.
I can hear how much promise you have, you have a lot to offer this world....please don't get stuck and quiet that promise.
You are very smart and there is no shame returning to the place that helped you once before. That's why they are there...to help people who want and need help.....
They want success stories for the efforts they have made to help people, by returning you will become a success story. Don't NOT return for feeling like a failure..... returning is bravery and intelligence, and exactly the kind of person they want (and can) help.
I can hear how much promise you have, you have a lot to offer this world....please don't get stuck and quiet that promise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
Morning USA ... Lol ... I was reading the post ... Yeah ans is true I punishing myself so badly , and yes is true I feel stupid to trust again in a man promise to me was different and never going to hurt me again .....********.... My ex husband hurts abuse me fiscal and mentally but I leave him fast in 1 week and I scape ... Then I back to him for 4 months stay 2 weeks and I left him ....without nothing no money,no car, no family, and my family was worse than now .... Lol...and then I met this wonderful guy my friend and some point my best friend , my soul mate ,my husband my partner ,my bf etc.... And all that was fake , just was a sick person trying to catch me or don't feel alone in his sad life .... Maybe yes I needed to trust in somebody again and I put my trust in the wrong person?....and the letting him abuse me verbal and star to believe ...well... As he say .. Galita how can be abusive with you .. You know I never going to touch you right?..... No , and I don't need to know the mental and emotional abuse is the worse because you lock all in , you justified all his action cus you love , cus you have faith in that person one day told you trust me , I pro mess you, the last time... I do love you , please please please... And you believe ....yes that suxs... Yes I need to work on me to stay away of this people ...yes sometimes your heart want something but you need to have the control of your hearth and say ... We going to stop to love this person and forget about him because he already forgot about us .... Yeah I woke up sensitive. ... 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
Hating my life...
Hi ...today again my Abf kicked me out of the house....anyways after 1 hour he texted me be friends... ? What's wrong with him... And now he back home all drunk and saying he want to hang out with me an have a drink... Just to be in peace....yes I'm so confuse...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am so sorry Galita.
Can you try to go to that place that helped you before? it sounds like this will continue to happen, with this man, who has problems. you dont deserve this. be safe.
we are here for you.
hugs
chicory
Can you try to go to that place that helped you before? it sounds like this will continue to happen, with this man, who has problems. you dont deserve this. be safe.
we are here for you.
hugs
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
Yes I leaving Saturday ...he just talk to me and saying this is not working out but he want we still been civiles and want to be my friend... What I should say?... Well I say ok I leaving Saturday and I need my plane ticket who hi promess me he going to buy if we broke up again ... So he say yes 1 hour ago ..then he came home all drunk saying again he don't want fight anymore... I say is fine I'm moving out Saturday and if he can't pay the ticket I'll find a cheap room ... He say yes .. 5 minutes after he say well you should know I just going to deal with a couple dollars for your room friday and the rest you have time to check .... So what's that? .... First yes , no,yes, and again we have an agreement his brain change and he just want to do everything harder for me.... Then he say I see we don't going to the bar... So I leave you. Bye ... So he leave all drunk driving ....jesusssss anyways ... I don't care right now ... I just want to leave , I just bough my car trough the shelter interac with the poor money I safe ... But I have faith ... I don't understand him , if he want me to leave why he make everything so hard....
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