Is this enabling?

Old 07-01-2012, 05:07 PM
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Is this enabling?

My 24-yr old daughter has been clean from coke and crack for 90 days. She willingly did a residential 30 day prgram, then came home and started an IOP but quit. She has signed up for another IOP, and is supposed to start this week, if the counselor calls. She goes to NA and AA meetings and has a new boyfriend who has been clean for 6 years. They go everywhere together.

I don't believe she is using. And I know she is struggling and trying hard. However, she fights with me all the time, even though I'm trying very hard to have patience with her moods and problems. But I get angry when she gets irrational and then we both lose our tempers. She doesn't even want me to live in the house, so I agreed to move out. Luckily we have a summer place where I can go just to get away from her tirades, and I believe she is better off without me around. She can concentrate on getting in a routine and working on her recovery.

Here's my question, and it seems minor compared to the problems others have. We had plans to have her cousin and aunt visit us and spend the day, having lunch, etc. They don't know about her addiction. She doesn't want to have them come anymore b/c, she says, it would interrupt her routines. She wants me to cancel them, but I said she was free to do so. She should contact her cousin to cancel, not me.

I thought if I said yes to cancel the plans (and make some excuse) that it would be enabling anti-social behavior. But if she really wants to spend time on recovery, why shouldn't I tell a white lie? I'm just not sure she'll be doing anything productive on that afternoon. She may just want to take the dog for a walk and then take a nap and wait for her boyfriend to pick her up, as she has been doing.

Should I make the excuse to our relatives or insist that my daughter handle this on her own?

Canceling a lunch date isn't the same thing as enabling addiction, I know that. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I'm confused about what to do to help her get stronger.
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Old 07-01-2012, 05:14 PM
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Oh wow! Why are YOU moving again?? Is it your house? Why can't she go live in the summer place? Even though she may not be using, her attitudes and actions are unacceptable. She should feel very appreciative that you allow her to stay with you at all. Her recovery is her own, and she is going to have to learn that the world does not revolve around it. If you want your relatives to come for lunch, then she should just deal with it or arrange to be gone during that time.

If she wants recovery, she is going to have to realize that she is going to be faced with many situations that she might find uncomfortable, but she cannot expect everyone to rearrange their lives just to suit her. So, to answer your question, yes, I believe you are enabling her by moving out and also by allowing her to cancel plans just because she wants to.

You cannot help her get stronger. That is something she must do on her own, and facing situations that aren't exactly to her liking is just part of it. I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would not move, nor would I allow her to be disrespectful to me in my own home. If she isn't happy there, then she needs to be the one to make alternative arrangements.
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Old 07-01-2012, 05:27 PM
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I agree with suki.
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Old 07-01-2012, 05:32 PM
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Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us but am very sorry that your dear daughter is dealing with the challenge of recovering from addiction.

I hope you are prepared to get some pretty honest answers here. There are many of us who have been dealing with addicted adult offspring for a very long time. We know the ropes and there are some red flags in your post that I suspect are going to be pointed out.

You've moved out of your own home? Because she can't be respectful, polite, and grateful? That sounds like enabling to me.

She (or you) doesn't want relatives to know about her addiction? Covering it up....that could be considered enabling.

She wants you to make excuses and do the "white lie" thing for her? Yup......that also sounds like enabling.

Are you making a mountain out of a mole hill? No. It's all of these little (except the house thing.....that's a doozie) things that make it easier for the addict (or recovering addict) to use. We (the codependent parents) aren't responsible for their addiction but we sure make it easy for them to continue.

If we can't say "No" to the little stuff......how can we say no to the stuff that's really important?

Never do for the addict what they can and should do for themselves.

I know this is tough......but catering to her in recovery is no different than catering to her in her disease.

gentle hugs
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Old 07-01-2012, 05:42 PM
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The attitude is really the first thing to relapse.
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Old 07-01-2012, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Flower1234 View Post

I'm confused about what to do to help her get stronger.
There is nothing you can say or do to keep her sober or cause her to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

How about a Sober Living Enviornment where after X weeks she becomes responsible for the costs. Oxford House is a consistent recommendation on SR.
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:01 PM
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I know moving out of the house sounds lame. Honestly, though, I feel peace in the summer cabin b/c I don't have to walk on eggshells around my daughter. I wasn't with her all last week, and she made a lot of progress -- following through on a number of tasks that she had been putting off (b/c she was expending so much energy arguing with me!).

I like and I think I understand what all of you are saying, but it makes me feel strange. When she was using and we didn't know it (she hasn't lived home in at least 4 years) we definitely enabled by giving her money and by putting up with crazy things like no visits allowed. We thought she was just "emotional" and stressed out. But finally she was the one who admitted to her addiction. She sought help. She found the program to go to. We had to beg her to come live home after the in-patient prgoram (I don't know where else she could have gone though without our financial support). So, now that she's on the road to recovery, it seems harsh to put her out just b/c she's angry and argumentative with me.

Now I want to "enable" her recovery. I want to give her every opportunity to make this work. This is all so new to me.

I'm afraid of what you say, amaslow, that the attitude is the first thing to relapse. That's what scary.

I guess the proof that she's working her own recovery is if she goes to the IOP this week. I'll go have lunch with my sister in law and niece somewhere else. I won't cancel my nice afternoon, but I don't have to torture myself by arguing with my daughter. I'm not sure what I'll tell them about where she is. Thank you all for your responses. I have a lot to learn. And I know I need to get stronger myself.

And she's against Sober Living right now. It may come to that eventually. We've talked about it.
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Old 07-02-2012, 04:40 AM
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Thanks, Kindeyes.

THese things you say especially hit home:

If we can't say "No" to the little stuff......how can we say no to the stuff that's really important?

Never do for the addict what they can and should do for themselves.

I know this is tough......but catering to her in recovery is no different than catering to her in her disease.


You've given me a lot to think about.

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Old 07-02-2012, 05:39 AM
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...I feel peace in the summer cabin b/c I don't have to walk on eggshells around my daughter.
Ahhh, sweetie, I learned with my son that walking on eggshells didn't help him one bid and it sure made me nervous. She will get clean or not get clean whether you do this or not, nothing we do will change that. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Live your life as you want, live in your home or your cabin and visit or invite anyone you want. Don't give up your life for her, you may wake up like I did and years will have passed and nothing may have changed except you are older and sicker and tired.

What helped me regain my balance and my life was meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA have helped many of us here. It's worth a try, I think you may find it a comforting way to live a healthier life.

Whatever unfolds, please take care of yourself first...and get rid of those dang eggshells, they hurt our feet.

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Old 07-02-2012, 07:58 AM
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...and get rid of those dang eggshells, they hurt our feet.



That cracks me up. Thank you for you kind words.
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Old 07-02-2012, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Flower1234 View Post

....And she's against Sober Living right now. It may come to that eventually. We've talked about it.
What exactly? Being responsible and accountable for herself?

We so often excuse all sorts of behaviors because of addiction and then we turn around and do the same in the name of protecting someone's recovery.
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