New to this and could really use some advice or just somewhere to vent....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6
New to this and could really use some advice or just somewhere to vent....
I'm not sure at this point what to say....I will start with a little background on my situation. My fiance is a heroin addict. He just completed an out patient 30 day detox, which did absolutely nothing. He has been a user for almost 20 years, with about a 10 year period of sobriety. And that was really because he was in prison for 8 of those 10 years. We have been together now for almost 4 years but have know each other for over 20. I know of his past I was involved in much of it back in the day, but during his time in prison we did not speak. I am not, nor have I ever been an addict, but I always was surrounded by them in one sense or another. My fiance is one of the most brillant men I have ever met, he is a beautiful person inside and out (when he is sober), he is the love of my life and would do anything for us. We had a rough patch about 2 years ago and were fighting alot, over money, bills, him being unemployed, etc. Apparently this is when the heroin came back into his life. He has in so many words blamed me for him turning to drugs again, saying that my nagging and constant fighting with him was too much to deal with. I have and am still trying to do everything in my power to get him sober again, as this is what he claims he really wants. Our bills are late and things are pilling up, but we somehow came up with the money to put him in the 30 day detox, which I just found out he was using in conjuction with the methadone, and he somehow always seems to find money for drugs. So I just dont know what to do. I am literally going insane and ruining my own life because I love him so much and I want to fix him. I dont know if it is because of my own co-dependent issues, or if it is because I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I do let him go and make him work this out himself. The last time I let him go because of the heroin, was 13 years ago and that was when he became homeless and so addicted that he robbed banks to feed that addiction(which is where the 8 years is prison came in). I am so scared that if I kick him out or let him go to figure this out on his own, this is where he will end up again, or dead. I know I am overbearing and can nag way to much, but I dont know how to handle something like this. I feel sometimes that if I dont police him and check up on him that it will get so out of control and there will be no bringing him back to sobriety, which if I really think about it he already is. I have plenty of my own issues as well, I'm depressed, serverly overweight, and co-dependent to boot. I just dont even know where to begin. Realistically I know I need to start with fixing myself and not worry about him, but how do you do that??? Sorry my post is all over the place, I've never done this before and I really just need to vent and hear some advice. I have to go as he will be home soon, some advice, criticism, anything would be great at this point. Thanks so much for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
Freyja
there isn't anything i can really share with you except welcome and i am sorry for your situation. but from what i have learnt from being here, is that you are in the right place. go and read other peoples stories about similar situations, and maybe the sticky on co-dependency. the people here are amazing, blunt, and will not sugarcoat their advise. good luck, and hope that you heal yourself, for there isn't anything you can do for your partner until he does it for himself.
there isn't anything i can really share with you except welcome and i am sorry for your situation. but from what i have learnt from being here, is that you are in the right place. go and read other peoples stories about similar situations, and maybe the sticky on co-dependency. the people here are amazing, blunt, and will not sugarcoat their advise. good luck, and hope that you heal yourself, for there isn't anything you can do for your partner until he does it for himself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Hello Freyja,
Welcome to SR. I am going to take what you've written and respond to them in parts. I also dated a hardcore IV heroin user for years so I know what you're going through.
First and foremost. I would advise you to not marry him, at least not now and hopefully not for years to come until he has many many many years of sobriety under his belt, outside of prison. It's up to you but if you do, you already know the lifestyle that you are signing up for.
Now, in your own words in random selection + my response:
So he has been using for 20 years and you guys have been together for 4 years and he blames YOU for using? Come on... you know that is NOT TRUE. The math doesnt add up. He had a problem way back in the day... what was he blaming his problems on then?
Would do anything for "us"? Why is he not getting clean for "us"? So that's already bull.
I once felt that way about my addict. So charming, so handsome, so romantic and so smart. But you know that most addicts have to be that way to get what they want right? They are like con-man... how do con-man screw people over? By making you believe that they are the greatest things ever.
Stop now. It hasnt work and never will.
he Reaaaallly wants this YET he is using during detox with the hard earned money you guys put away for it. Again, time, energy and money wasted. ACTIONS! STOP LISTENING and OPEN YOUR EYES and look at ACTIONS!
You dont have to live this way if you choose not to. Wanting to fix someone is not true love.
You are co-dependent. It's ok because most of us are and were, that's why we get into these type of situations. What happens to him is beyond your control... we all have our own journeys to live and you cannot stop another person from living the type of journey that they choose.
You can however, CHOOSE to surround yourself with healthy people... people that you dont need to fix, people who will inspire you to be a better human.
You do that by letting him go. If he truly wants sobriety and recovery he will find it. If he wants drugs, he will keep finding that also. Either way, you should consider letting him go because in your own words YOU ARE GOING INSANE. Why would you marry someone that makes you feel insane?
Wouldn't it be nice to forget about his problems and focus on bettering yourself? eating better, sleeping enough, exercising, hang out with friends that will make you laugh, wow the idea of striving for a healthy life style... isnt it a beautiful thing? It's achievable you know... when you rid the toxins.
Lastly, re-read the things you've written.
Welcome to SR. I am going to take what you've written and respond to them in parts. I also dated a hardcore IV heroin user for years so I know what you're going through.
First and foremost. I would advise you to not marry him, at least not now and hopefully not for years to come until he has many many many years of sobriety under his belt, outside of prison. It's up to you but if you do, you already know the lifestyle that you are signing up for.
Now, in your own words in random selection + my response:
Originally Posted by Freyja 
He has been a user for almost 20 years, with about a 10 year period of sobriety. And that was really because he was in prison for 8 of those 10 years.
We have been together now for almost 4 years but have know each other for over 20. I know of his past.
He has in so many words blamed me for him turning to drugs again, saying that my nagging and constant fighting with him was too much to deal with
We have been together now for almost 4 years but have know each other for over 20. I know of his past.
He has in so many words blamed me for him turning to drugs again, saying that my nagging and constant fighting with him was too much to deal with
Originally Posted by Freyja
My fiance is one of the most brillant men I have ever met, he is a beautiful person inside and out (when he is sober), he is the love of my life and would do anything for us.
I once felt that way about my addict. So charming, so handsome, so romantic and so smart. But you know that most addicts have to be that way to get what they want right? They are like con-man... how do con-man screw people over? By making you believe that they are the greatest things ever.
Originally Posted by Freyja
I have and am still trying to do everything in my power to get him sober again
Originally Posted by Freyja
as this is what he claims he really wants... Our bills are late and things are pilling up, but we somehow came up with the money to put him in the 30 day detox, which I just found out he was using in conjuction with the methadone
Originally Posted by Freyja
I am literally going insane and ruining my own life because I love him so much and I want to fix him.
Originally Posted by Freyja
I dont know if it is because of my own co-dependent issues, or if it is because I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I do let him go and make him work this out himself.
You can however, CHOOSE to surround yourself with healthy people... people that you dont need to fix, people who will inspire you to be a better human.
Originally Posted by Freyja
I have plenty of my own issues as well, I'm depressed, serverly overweight, and co-dependent to boot. I just dont even know where to begin. Realistically I know I need to start with fixing myself and not worry about him, but how do you do that???
Wouldn't it be nice to forget about his problems and focus on bettering yourself? eating better, sleeping enough, exercising, hang out with friends that will make you laugh, wow the idea of striving for a healthy life style... isnt it a beautiful thing? It's achievable you know... when you rid the toxins.
Lastly, re-read the things you've written.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: tucson, az
Posts: 16
You are not alone. I am somewhat in a similar situation and your post reminds me of many insanities that I have and am somewhat currently going through. I just began posting a few days ago and venting really helped. Also, reading "What addicts do" gave me a different perspective on my situation. Thank you for helping me and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Freyja
My fiance is one of the most brillant men I have ever met, he is a beautiful person inside and out (when he is sober), he is the love of my life and would do anything for us.
Take responsibility for himself? Get and maintain a job? Get off drugs?
I am literally going insane and ruining my own life because I love him so much and I want to fix him.
Know that front row center feeling, well.
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will get and keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
The last time I let him go because of the heroin, was 13 years ago and that was when he became homeless and so addicted that he robbed banks to feed that addiction(which is where the 8 years is prison came in). I am so scared that if I kick him out or let him go to figure this out on his own, this is where he will end up again, or dead.
He's an adult living his life as he sees fit. No fair for you to attempt to validate yourself with the belief that you alone stand between his life and death.
I have plenty of my own issues as well, I'm depressed, serverly overweight, and co-dependent to boot.
The more we try to control/fix another person the less control we have over the one and only thing we do control-ourselves. Funny how that works out, eh.
Take responsibility for himself? Get and maintain a job? Get off drugs?
I am literally going insane and ruining my own life because I love him so much and I want to fix him.
Know that front row center feeling, well.
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will get and keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
The last time I let him go because of the heroin, was 13 years ago and that was when he became homeless and so addicted that he robbed banks to feed that addiction(which is where the 8 years is prison came in). I am so scared that if I kick him out or let him go to figure this out on his own, this is where he will end up again, or dead.
He's an adult living his life as he sees fit. No fair for you to attempt to validate yourself with the belief that you alone stand between his life and death.
I have plenty of my own issues as well, I'm depressed, serverly overweight, and co-dependent to boot.
The more we try to control/fix another person the less control we have over the one and only thing we do control-ourselves. Funny how that works out, eh.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. We have a lot of recovering addicts here who can give you good feedback. We also have codependents here who once were in similar chaos and can also give you good feedback.
I will recommend a book I read this week. It's called "I Want My Life Back" by Steve Hamilton and is published through Hazelden. He was one of the co-founders of NA. This is a gut honest book about drug addicts. What he says about addicts and addiction will have an impact on you. Some of it will shake you up and some of it will wake you up. We need that, when we are entwined hopelessly with a drug addict. Maybe the book will make a difference in how you see your fiance's problem.
You are in such a state right now--terrified, angry, hurt, depressed--that I think, honestly, the best thing for you to do is start sitting in 12 step Meetings. Any kind. Al-Anon. Nar-Anon. Open AA. Open NA. Codependents Anonymous. Every day. If you can make a meeting every day, for the next 3 months, it will shore you in, it will educate you, the panic will subside, the depression will hurt less, and the Higher Power which is present in those rooms will create awareness and right action which you cannot attain on your own.
There is still hope for your fiance. But you are not the vessel for that hope. In fact, you keep getting in the way, is my guess. You have to take yourself out of the picture so he can get real help.
There is absolutely hope for you, though, infinite hope. You can find your answers and you can be guided to the right action at the right time. But only if you break your isolation and put yourself into intense recovery. You can get better and you are worthy of a life that is not so terrifying or painful. You can absolutely be relieved of the hopelessness you are experiencing.
And it has been said again and again, that usually recovery for the addict begins with recovery in the family.
So we are very glad you are here.
I will recommend a book I read this week. It's called "I Want My Life Back" by Steve Hamilton and is published through Hazelden. He was one of the co-founders of NA. This is a gut honest book about drug addicts. What he says about addicts and addiction will have an impact on you. Some of it will shake you up and some of it will wake you up. We need that, when we are entwined hopelessly with a drug addict. Maybe the book will make a difference in how you see your fiance's problem.
You are in such a state right now--terrified, angry, hurt, depressed--that I think, honestly, the best thing for you to do is start sitting in 12 step Meetings. Any kind. Al-Anon. Nar-Anon. Open AA. Open NA. Codependents Anonymous. Every day. If you can make a meeting every day, for the next 3 months, it will shore you in, it will educate you, the panic will subside, the depression will hurt less, and the Higher Power which is present in those rooms will create awareness and right action which you cannot attain on your own.
There is still hope for your fiance. But you are not the vessel for that hope. In fact, you keep getting in the way, is my guess. You have to take yourself out of the picture so he can get real help.
There is absolutely hope for you, though, infinite hope. You can find your answers and you can be guided to the right action at the right time. But only if you break your isolation and put yourself into intense recovery. You can get better and you are worthy of a life that is not so terrifying or painful. You can absolutely be relieved of the hopelessness you are experiencing.
And it has been said again and again, that usually recovery for the addict begins with recovery in the family.
So we are very glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I just dont even know where to begin. Realistically I know I need to start with fixing myself and not worry about him, but how do you do that???
Honey, you do know where to begin. Being with an addict is chaos, it just is, living in chaos causes confusion, exhaustion, and blurry site.
Do be realistic, and start with you. Lots of reading to do here on the site, meetings, counseling, you must be so tired and worn down.
Turn some of that compassion you have for your addict into compassion for you.
Katie xo
Honey, you do know where to begin. Being with an addict is chaos, it just is, living in chaos causes confusion, exhaustion, and blurry site.
Do be realistic, and start with you. Lots of reading to do here on the site, meetings, counseling, you must be so tired and worn down.
Turn some of that compassion you have for your addict into compassion for you.
Katie xo
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