First post (probably long overdue....)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
First post (probably long overdue....)
Hello. I've been lurking for quite a few months now. I'm so lost and confused.
My husband of 8 years is an alcoholic. We have a 2 yr old son and I am also pregnant. I never really recognized his drinking as a problem until our son was born. Since then, its so obvious. A few times I threatened divorce. I also became a yeller. I'm so ashamed about some of the things I said and did. I also tried to be a controller - dumping out the booze, hiding it, etc. Of course, to no avail. His drinking changed from beer to wine to vodka. He started missing work, family events, and even our son's surgery because of drinking.
A month ago, he was arrested for DUI. Upon release from jail he went right to the liquor store despite having conditions not to drink. He then went to detox (I said it was either that or move out). He returned home after discharge. He then began AA with the goal of 90 meetings in 90 days. I started Al-Anon last week. However, he still didn't identify himself as having a problem and was talking about working towards his goal of 'controlled drinking'.
A week ago, we saw a marriage counsellor. I suspected he had been drinking beforehand, but wasn't sure. Of course, I was right. He had started again after about 20 days sober. 4 days ago, I came home to food burning in the oven and him passed out - he woke up and began yelling at our son for waking him up at 5:30am (in reality, it was 5:30pm). I told him to go to a hotel and he did. And he hasn't stopped drinking since and hasn't returned home.
Today, he called wanting to come home. I said no. He's decided to go back to detox. However, I don't know if that's what he really wants or if its just because he has nowhere else to go (he got kicked out of the hotel last night for being too drunk) and its where I suggested he go. I haven't heard from him in a few hours so I don't know if he actually went.
His parents know. They came over last night and his mother made several comments that she 'doesn't believe in locking people out' and 'you need to make this work for him' and 'he really should be at home.' She's implying I've made the problem worse by kicking him out. I told her I can't stop his drinking, all I want is for him not to do it here - but maybe she's right? Did I make it worse? I don't know.
He not abusive, and he's not mean. He just can't stop himself once he starts and he lies and lies and lies to cover it. He is literally obsessed with alcohol. I know he's trying to stop and I know slips/relapses are a part of recovering. But I have this guilty feeling that I'm not being supportive enough since I asked him to leave. At the same time, the stress of having him home is too much for me anymore. There doesn't seem to be a happy balance. Either I look like the selfish one or he does.
Anyway, this felt good. I should have done this before.
My husband of 8 years is an alcoholic. We have a 2 yr old son and I am also pregnant. I never really recognized his drinking as a problem until our son was born. Since then, its so obvious. A few times I threatened divorce. I also became a yeller. I'm so ashamed about some of the things I said and did. I also tried to be a controller - dumping out the booze, hiding it, etc. Of course, to no avail. His drinking changed from beer to wine to vodka. He started missing work, family events, and even our son's surgery because of drinking.
A month ago, he was arrested for DUI. Upon release from jail he went right to the liquor store despite having conditions not to drink. He then went to detox (I said it was either that or move out). He returned home after discharge. He then began AA with the goal of 90 meetings in 90 days. I started Al-Anon last week. However, he still didn't identify himself as having a problem and was talking about working towards his goal of 'controlled drinking'.
A week ago, we saw a marriage counsellor. I suspected he had been drinking beforehand, but wasn't sure. Of course, I was right. He had started again after about 20 days sober. 4 days ago, I came home to food burning in the oven and him passed out - he woke up and began yelling at our son for waking him up at 5:30am (in reality, it was 5:30pm). I told him to go to a hotel and he did. And he hasn't stopped drinking since and hasn't returned home.
Today, he called wanting to come home. I said no. He's decided to go back to detox. However, I don't know if that's what he really wants or if its just because he has nowhere else to go (he got kicked out of the hotel last night for being too drunk) and its where I suggested he go. I haven't heard from him in a few hours so I don't know if he actually went.
His parents know. They came over last night and his mother made several comments that she 'doesn't believe in locking people out' and 'you need to make this work for him' and 'he really should be at home.' She's implying I've made the problem worse by kicking him out. I told her I can't stop his drinking, all I want is for him not to do it here - but maybe she's right? Did I make it worse? I don't know.
He not abusive, and he's not mean. He just can't stop himself once he starts and he lies and lies and lies to cover it. He is literally obsessed with alcohol. I know he's trying to stop and I know slips/relapses are a part of recovering. But I have this guilty feeling that I'm not being supportive enough since I asked him to leave. At the same time, the stress of having him home is too much for me anymore. There doesn't seem to be a happy balance. Either I look like the selfish one or he does.
Anyway, this felt good. I should have done this before.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Welcome to SR. I have found do much support here. I'm so glad you decided to post.
FWIW - I fully support your decision to have your ah live elsewhere for now. I think it is absolutely the smartest thing to do, for everyone.
His mother doesn't get a vote in your life. You are allowed to put some space between you and the people that cause you distress - including in-laws.
FWIW - I fully support your decision to have your ah live elsewhere for now. I think it is absolutely the smartest thing to do, for everyone.
His mother doesn't get a vote in your life. You are allowed to put some space between you and the people that cause you distress - including in-laws.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
(((allysen))) I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm very glad you found this place. Welcome! In my opinion you did the right thing by telling him no when he wanted to come back home. It seems like he is in denial (his goal of controlled drinking) and until he admits his problem and TRULY wants and gets help, things will continue on the same. As far as his mother's comments-don't believe them! If he's going to drink, and he clearly is, he will do it at home or in a hotel, or wherever he is. And this one-¨you need to make this work for him¨ That's BS. He is the only one who can make things better for him. You need to take care of you! And you've taken the first step in doing that by asking him to leave. Read other posts here, stick around-there is so much wisdom and support here.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"His parents know. They came over last night and his mother made several comments that she 'doesn't believe in locking people out' and 'you need to make this work for him' and 'he really should be at home.' She's implying I've made the problem worse by kicking him out. I told her I can't stop his drinking, all I want is for him not to do it here - but maybe she's right? Did I make it worse? I don't know. "
You're MIL is wrong. She may not believe in locking people out but I do and I'm with you. She needs to stop pointing her finger at you; do not accept the blame. No, you did not make it worse. You did not Cause this, you cannot Cure this, and you cannot Control this. You keep doing what you need to have peace in your house, esp while you are pregnant. The way he is acting is no way to act with a pregnant wife and a toddler.
You're MIL is wrong. She may not believe in locking people out but I do and I'm with you. She needs to stop pointing her finger at you; do not accept the blame. No, you did not make it worse. You did not Cause this, you cannot Cure this, and you cannot Control this. You keep doing what you need to have peace in your house, esp while you are pregnant. The way he is acting is no way to act with a pregnant wife and a toddler.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I, too, absolutely support the boundary you have created for yourself...and your children! Remember -- don't listen to his words -- watch his ACTIONS. Words coming from an active addict or alcoholic are absolutely meaningless. You know this.
Shame on your MIL for saying those things to you. How ridiculous!!! Time to cut her off, too. Do you have friends and family nearby for support?
I'm glad you posted. That's a good move.
Shame on your MIL for saying those things to you. How ridiculous!!! Time to cut her off, too. Do you have friends and family nearby for support?
I'm glad you posted. That's a good move.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
His mother thinks it's wrong of you to make him leave? Well, then, let HER take in her grown son who is a father and husband, who is acting like an irresponsible child. Let her live with his drunkenness, yelling, arrests, disturbing the peace, etc. Let her find out what it's like--bet it wouldn't take very long for her to want him OUT!
You are right to not let him back home. I know all too well the insanity of living with an alcoholic, the chaos--and not liking the person I became after a couple of years of living with stress, his legal problems, etc.
You have no way of knowing how things will turn out, but in the meantime, there is no point in taking him back and letting yourself fall to pieces. Someone needs to be strong for your children. I speak from experience, as a single parent!
Hang in there, be strong, keep taking good care of yourself. ((Hugs))
You are right to not let him back home. I know all too well the insanity of living with an alcoholic, the chaos--and not liking the person I became after a couple of years of living with stress, his legal problems, etc.
You have no way of knowing how things will turn out, but in the meantime, there is no point in taking him back and letting yourself fall to pieces. Someone needs to be strong for your children. I speak from experience, as a single parent!
Hang in there, be strong, keep taking good care of yourself. ((Hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Thank you sooooo much everyone for the words of support and encouragement.
He ended up showing up on the front porch, drunk and bleeding, shortly after I first posted. I guess he had gone to detox, fallen, and was sent to the hospital to get checked out. He left and walked home instead. I told him he couldn't come in. He asked me to call his dad so I did. His dad returned him to the hospital and detox.
As for my MIL. Yes, she is bossy and also very deep in denial. She babysat while I went to Al-Anon tonight. We talked before I left, and I told her how I felt like she was blaming me. She did apologize and we had a good talk. Any guilt I still feel is entirely my own at this point to deal with.
He ended up showing up on the front porch, drunk and bleeding, shortly after I first posted. I guess he had gone to detox, fallen, and was sent to the hospital to get checked out. He left and walked home instead. I told him he couldn't come in. He asked me to call his dad so I did. His dad returned him to the hospital and detox.
As for my MIL. Yes, she is bossy and also very deep in denial. She babysat while I went to Al-Anon tonight. We talked before I left, and I told her how I felt like she was blaming me. She did apologize and we had a good talk. Any guilt I still feel is entirely my own at this point to deal with.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Creating an ABSOLUTE alcohol FREE boundary for myself was the catalyst that changed my life and ultimately changed my XA's life.
For four years I suffered with repeated relapses and the insanity and chaos that comes with a drinking partner but the day I said "NO MORE... PERIOD... he got on a plane to Vegas and drank for 3 months straight. Today he is clean and sober and in a long term residential recovery center but I have ZERO interest in getting involved with any alcoholic... sober or drunk... life is too short and too precious with the anxiety and worry it would bring. I am happy he is very seriously addressing his alcholism but it is just too late for us at this point.
Your situation is different of course but keeping your world, your home alcohol free causes him to make the choice of his family or his bottle... you are not making that choice but are making your own choice not to deal with alcohol! Absolutely your right to do so! This just fast forwards the future... he is either going to choose to do whatever it takes to be sober... or not!
And there will be peace and quiet and "normal" while he is figuring it out. I personally went no contact and put his number to quack quack ringtone. Later I figured out how to block his number completely.
Good luck.
For four years I suffered with repeated relapses and the insanity and chaos that comes with a drinking partner but the day I said "NO MORE... PERIOD... he got on a plane to Vegas and drank for 3 months straight. Today he is clean and sober and in a long term residential recovery center but I have ZERO interest in getting involved with any alcoholic... sober or drunk... life is too short and too precious with the anxiety and worry it would bring. I am happy he is very seriously addressing his alcholism but it is just too late for us at this point.
Your situation is different of course but keeping your world, your home alcohol free causes him to make the choice of his family or his bottle... you are not making that choice but are making your own choice not to deal with alcohol! Absolutely your right to do so! This just fast forwards the future... he is either going to choose to do whatever it takes to be sober... or not!
And there will be peace and quiet and "normal" while he is figuring it out. I personally went no contact and put his number to quack quack ringtone. Later I figured out how to block his number completely.
Good luck.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Well, it sounds like you've lurked long enough to gain the courage to make him leave, since you know you are not alone!! Good for you. I can't imagine what it must be like being pregnant and dealing with this, but you are putting you and your kids first, and that is GREAT! You also recognize that his drinking problem is making YOU ac crazy, and that's no way to live. I remember standing at the open door las Thurs night, screaming at ABF to get out, and I mean screaming, and then quickly realizing that I hated the person I became when I dealt with this.
I, too, had a meddling other that wanted me to support him. I finally had to stop answering her texts. Both of her sons are A's, and it will never change if she continues to enable them. When I wouldn't answer is calls from jail on Friday, guess so bailed him out?! I'm glad you had the courage to tell her you felt blamed. You need to stand up for your decisions, and if he gets better in the long run, she'll have you to thank.
Good luck with your situation, and update us anytime you have a small victory or need some guidance. I also just joined Al Anon and am so glad I did!
I, too, had a meddling other that wanted me to support him. I finally had to stop answering her texts. Both of her sons are A's, and it will never change if she continues to enable them. When I wouldn't answer is calls from jail on Friday, guess so bailed him out?! I'm glad you had the courage to tell her you felt blamed. You need to stand up for your decisions, and if he gets better in the long run, she'll have you to thank.
Good luck with your situation, and update us anytime you have a small victory or need some guidance. I also just joined Al Anon and am so glad I did!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hi Allyson, welcome.
Congratulations on carving some peace out of the chaos. I kicked my AH out of the house a dozen times last year while I was pregnant, and most of the pain I felt was loneliness and sadness that my partner wasn't going to be there for me during one of the most vulnerable times of my life. I had set a boundary that he was not to stay with us so long as he was drinking, and that I would stick with him as long as he was sober, and he chose to drink again and again. The in-laws chose not to listen. My folks, either. They all laid a guilt trip on me, and suggested that I be his caretaker through HIS rough time. In retrospect, none of them wanted the reality of dealing with his drunken antics every day, but were too soft to put him on the street themselves. They put the responsibility for his well-being on me, never considering that as a grown man AH was responsible for himself.
I'm still clearing out the cobwebs and trying to figure out where my life is going after this trauma, but if I have a few suggestions, it's these: Make sure you can get by without him if you have to, financially and emotionally. Start putting together Team Allyson. Really pamper yourself during your pregnancy. Sleep as much as you need to if you can, and do nice things for yourself. Don't stand in the way of or try to fix your AH's relationship with his in-laws -- if they want to try to wrestle his addiction to the ground, that's their business, but you don't have to participate.
Congratulations on carving some peace out of the chaos. I kicked my AH out of the house a dozen times last year while I was pregnant, and most of the pain I felt was loneliness and sadness that my partner wasn't going to be there for me during one of the most vulnerable times of my life. I had set a boundary that he was not to stay with us so long as he was drinking, and that I would stick with him as long as he was sober, and he chose to drink again and again. The in-laws chose not to listen. My folks, either. They all laid a guilt trip on me, and suggested that I be his caretaker through HIS rough time. In retrospect, none of them wanted the reality of dealing with his drunken antics every day, but were too soft to put him on the street themselves. They put the responsibility for his well-being on me, never considering that as a grown man AH was responsible for himself.
I'm still clearing out the cobwebs and trying to figure out where my life is going after this trauma, but if I have a few suggestions, it's these: Make sure you can get by without him if you have to, financially and emotionally. Start putting together Team Allyson. Really pamper yourself during your pregnancy. Sleep as much as you need to if you can, and do nice things for yourself. Don't stand in the way of or try to fix your AH's relationship with his in-laws -- if they want to try to wrestle his addiction to the ground, that's their business, but you don't have to participate.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Florence - thank you so much for sharing. It's nice to know someone else has been there. Fortunately, our mortgage will be paid off by the end of August which gives me some financial freedom to walk away if I need to. Being on maternity leave (I get a year) and being a sinlge parent at the same time would be rough, both emotionally and financially. I have a feeling my decisions would be very different if I wasn't pregnant.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Being on maternity leave (I get a year) and being a sinlge parent at the same time would be rough, both emotionally and financially. I have a feeling my decisions would be very different if I wasn't pregnant.
I've been on my own with a baby before (my first child) and while it isn't totally easy, it can be nice not having to defer to or cooperate with someone whose mind isn't in the game. If you have the freedom to walk... if I had the financial freedom to walk away from my RAH, I'd do it. He's sober now, but I can't say I feel confident about our marriage.
Folks say it all the time here, but you don't have to make any decisions right now. Just breathe and do the next right thing.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Way to go Allyson...
...you are learning way, way faster than I did, and faster than most people "new" to what you are experiencing. Well done being direct with your MIL, and even more so in going to Alanon!
In my opinion you are doing exactly the right thing, and the only thing that's going to help your husband if he can be helped at all-- making him experience the consequences of his drinking and not giving him a warm and soft place to land. It took me so much longer than you to learn this, but when I did is when my wife began her very long, very painful, road to her recovery.
Not only that, but you are protecting your child (soon to be children) from your husband's inability to remain sober. Even at two the scars an alcoholic leaves can be substantial and life-changing. And I'm so tired of reading about children who are killed or injured by their drunk parents bad decision-making. It's nice to know I won't be reading about your babies.
Take care and kudos to you!
Cyranoak
In my opinion you are doing exactly the right thing, and the only thing that's going to help your husband if he can be helped at all-- making him experience the consequences of his drinking and not giving him a warm and soft place to land. It took me so much longer than you to learn this, but when I did is when my wife began her very long, very painful, road to her recovery.
Not only that, but you are protecting your child (soon to be children) from your husband's inability to remain sober. Even at two the scars an alcoholic leaves can be substantial and life-changing. And I'm so tired of reading about children who are killed or injured by their drunk parents bad decision-making. It's nice to know I won't be reading about your babies.
Take care and kudos to you!
Cyranoak
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