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Non-Alcoholic Partner Still Drinking?

Old 07-01-2012, 07:36 AM
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Non-Alcoholic Partner Still Drinking?

Hi All,
To make it short, my partner of 5 years and recently former fiance and I are working to rebuild our relationship. I stated going to AA 9 months ago, relapsed one night after 6.5 months sober, and just got 30 days on Thursday.

The reason we're not engaged is that I ended it after 6 months sober after 6 months of pure craziness from her end. Since then, she has started Al-Anon, has made tremendous progress on her end of things, and she and I are building a healthy relationship back up from the ashes.

She is most likely not an alcoholic, however it runs in her family. If she and I are out, she will occasionally have a glass of wine/beer and I am fine with that. My issue is that about 1X every two weeks, she'll go out, party with our/my old friends, and get pretty/blasted drunk. She can shut it down easily, unlike me, though. Outside of those episodes she'll go on a wine tasting with friends, have a glass of wine a couple nights a week, or meet friends out for drinks. These are not abnormal behaviors, but I'm finding my self-esteem and pride are being impacted.

It's not my place to control her drinking, and it's my emotions that are the problem with this, I guess.

Still, I can't help but be angry at her for it. She and I both know that I can't be around wild drinking environments.

Is she being totally insensitive. Am I being overly sensitive? Any insight is appreciated.
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Old 07-01-2012, 07:50 AM
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My wife and I have a long history of enjoying drink together--fine wine, cocktails, etc. We had a lot of pleasant times. The unpleasant ones occurred when I got drunk. She is an entirely healthy, normal drinker. I am the alcoholic. I have accepted I can't pick it up. She still drinks, but does so discreetly--she doesn't wave it in my face, but she doesn't hide it either. I am pretty much able to ignore it. Her drinking was never a "trigger" for me. My triggers were always inside me. So I've never felt uncomfortable or endangered by her continued healthy drinking in my presence, at our home.

On the other hand, she is not going out and getting drunk occasionally. If that happened I would probably express a loving concern for her safety and well-being. Maybe you could tell her honestly that it bothers you and perhaps triggers you, and that maybe she could be more discreet, tone it down? I don't know if you go to meetings, but if my wife were going out for party night, and it was causing me discomfort in my sobriety, I would choose that same time to go to a meeting and get some extra armor on.

It's a tough situation, because even though I am not in fear of relapse around her drinking, I still feel that nostalgia and loss when I see her calmly enjoying a glass of wine with a friend she has over. `

My best wishes to you.
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by oinobares View Post
It's a tough situation, because even though I am not in fear of relapse around her drinking, I still feel that nostalgia and loss when I see her calmly enjoying a glass of wine with a friend she has over. `
That's precisely it! That and this feeling of inadequacy. These are my own feelings though and I do in fact realize it. Thanks.
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:50 AM
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My wife is NA (LOL)... and is ala-NOT! She has a drink at the end of each evening. One... sometimes 1.5... that's it... I hated it at first, layers of issues... all mine, LOL

My sponsor asked me if she were my best friend, would I expect them to change what they do for me, just because I quit drinking?

That was what I needed to hear.
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Old 07-01-2012, 09:03 AM
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My husband still drinks. When I was very early in recovery, I asked him to refrain from drinking for a while because it was stirring up feelings of resentment in me, which neither of us needed at that time. He agreed. Now he drinks-occasionally-but almost never in my presence. He has a drink in the evenings, sometimes, after I am in bed.

I think it's reasonable to acknowledge and discuss your feelings and ask for support. We cannot ask them to behave like recovering alcoholics, but we can ask them to be supportive to us in our early recovery. If they are truly not alcoholics, it should not be difficult for them to moderate their drinking or change their drinking habits for a few months or so.
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Old 07-01-2012, 01:18 PM
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I have a different take: I think she's being utterly insensitive, this early in your sobriety. Or perhaps she doesn't realise how much it bothers you, so she's not being insensitive...but you need to talk to her.

I get what Mark75 related but we're not talking about your "best bud" here, we are talking about someone who shares your home and your life and the lives of your offspring and shared family and presumably will do so forever. So either she knows it bothers you and doesn't care, or doesn't realise it bothers you because you haven't talked to her about it. Which is it?
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Old 07-01-2012, 01:30 PM
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If my partner wants a drink... so be it. I ruined my health because of alcohol, I don't want him or anyone else to be paranoid around me. I may not like it sometimes but not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic like me. Its costs enough (£$) let them enjoy it!
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Old 07-01-2012, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by MrLofg0029 View Post
Hi All,
To make it short, my partner of 5 years and recently former fiance and I are working to rebuild our relationship. I stated going to AA 9 months ago, relapsed one night after 6.5 months sober, and just got 30 days on Thursday.

The reason we're not engaged is that I ended it after 6 months sober after 6 months of pure craziness from her end. Since then, she has started Al-Anon, has made tremendous progress on her end of things, and she and I are building a healthy relationship back up from the ashes.

She is most likely not an alcoholic, however it runs in her family. If she and I are out, she will occasionally have a glass of wine/beer and I am fine with that. My issue is that about 1X every two weeks, she'll go out, party with our/my old friends, and get pretty/blasted drunk. She can shut it down easily, unlike me, though. Outside of those episodes she'll go on a wine tasting with friends, have a glass of wine a couple nights a week, or meet friends out for drinks. These are not abnormal behaviors, but I'm finding my self-esteem and pride are being impacted.

It's not my place to control her drinking, and it's my emotions that are the problem with this, I guess.

Still, I can't help but be angry at her for it. She and I both know that I can't be around wild drinking environments.

Is she being totally insensitive. Am I being overly sensitive? Any insight is appreciated.
What does your AA sponsor say about your situation?

I have AA friends who have decades of sobriety and their spouses imbibe.

The BB says that all we need is our HP and that's pretty well it. I can't put conditions on my sobriety like "If she does this, I'll stay sober". Then she has the power, not your HP.

My wife quit smoking 10 yrs before I did, I know my smoking aggravated her but I wasn't ready to quit yet.. and she stayed quit in spite of me.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 07-01-2012, 02:20 PM
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I think this is something that you will have to decide to accept or not. She is obviously aware that you are working on your recovery, and she is choosing to drink sometimes. I do understand of course, that would rather she didn't drink, but it's not fair to impose that on her.
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Old 07-01-2012, 02:31 PM
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My bf still drinks beer, maybe one a night or so. He keeps it in the downstairs fridge and is pretty discreet about it, and is respectful of not overdoing it in front of me. He drinks socially when we are out with friends. I agree, it is my issue and not his, and all I ask is that he is respectful of mine by not flogging it in my face.
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Old 07-01-2012, 02:33 PM
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I could do what she is doing early in my drinking career. I think if you enjoy the buzz, and like to get wasted occasionally it is a very slippery slope.
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Old 07-01-2012, 03:12 PM
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I'm with Stevie1. My AH is new to recovery (28 days in) and asked whether we could keep alcohol out of the house to limit his temptation. So it's gone.

Also, we've been out socially once and to dinner just us once since he began rehab, and I'd never dream of having a drink in front of him.

Maybe someday he'll feel comfortable with it? But if that day never comes, I'll not drink. No big deal.

He knows when we mingle with others, that they may be drinking. He can't expect the whole world to stop drinking after all. But as his wife, I want to give him all the support he needs to be successful in his recovery. Not having alcohol in the house seemed a no brainier.

I don't think it would be unreasonable of you at all to ask that she forego drinking in your company until you no longer feel uncomfortable with it. And for her to go out and tie one on with your mutual drinking buddies while you are trying to form new habits seems terribly insensitive. If she finds giving up drinking to be too much of a struggle or sacrifice, what is it that she thinks YOU must be going through?

Good luck with the situation.
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Old 07-01-2012, 03:28 PM
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My husband still drinks but he is very sensitive to my feelings. If we go out together for dinner, he will drink water with me. He loves chocolate, so it kind of resonated with him that for me to sit directly opposite him ploughing through a box of chocolates and he couldnt have one would not be a caring thing to do.

He will have a glass or two at home but I can be occupied with other things, it doesnt bother me that much.

You say your GF's drinking is moderate, to be honest it doesn't sound very moderate to me.

Look only you know the answer to this deep down but I don't see any harm in talking to your GF and telling her how her drinking right now makes you feel whilst you are in early recovery and is there a compromise that can be made?

Besides I believe the best relationships are alll about compromise and being prepared to walk in your partner's shoes on occasion.

Just my pennyworth
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Old 07-01-2012, 06:41 PM
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My husband doesn't drink. I married a non-drinker (on purpose) cuz I just didn't want to be in the situation you are in. That being said however, I see your situation is different and you got sober after the relationship started.

If I were you, I would just be honest with her and see how that goes.

Blessings, Lily
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:37 PM
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Thanks for all of the advice.

My sponsor tells me that my sobriety is top priority and that only I either find the drinking of others to tempting to be around or it doesn't bother me. He stresses that it's my problem, not theirs, to correct.

She will only drink in moderation in my presence and only if we're out. I think I came to the conclusion that my issue with it is my own problem to reconcile, not hers. Her Al-Anon sponsor said much the same, as did my AA sponsor.

My partners suggestion was that she would never come home intoxicated if she's drank too much on a particular night. She suggested she could stay at a GFs house. That in and of itself bothers me too though. She is an incredibly loyal woman and I have no reason to fear infidelity - she's just not wired to do it. The thought of sitting there in bed, late at night, hoping that everything's fine but not knowing what's going on, only that she's to drunk to be in our bed bothers me.

I'll have to work around it and work out what's going on with me though.
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Old 07-03-2012, 03:05 PM
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I agree it's your problem to deal with...I still maintain that it's a bit insensitive and non-supportive not to abstain in solidarity in your early weeks or months of sobriety. Something that would not be at all difficult for a mature-minded, non-alcoholic spouse or partner. Heck, several years ago one of my best friends (obese and diabetic) went on Atkins...I did it in solidarity with her. It was easy for me; I have no problems at all controlling or changing what I eat and I'm one of those annoying people who never gains or loses weight no matter what. It was easy for me to do and meant a lot to her because she is, basically, addicted to food and appreciated the support.

Then again, you have changed the rules and the dynamic in your marriage by getting sober and she may not like that on every level. A short-lived marriage of mine came to an end after I quit drinking and I learned at the time that it's difficult for both partners when one gets clean. In my case, my then-husband was used to the sober/caretaker role when I got wasted, which was often...I changed the rules when I got (temporarily) sober and he had a tough time with figuring out his new role in the marriage.

So I'm not saying your wife is insensitive (that would be an ad hominem attack) but that what she is doing is somewhat so...but she's also maybe trying to figure out where she fits with the new you.
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:18 PM
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I have a similar issue. I've been enabling my wife for 8 years by buying her her several 18 packs of bud light per day -- she was too messed up to drive (especially considering her DUI and suspended license). For her, it's also a replacement for food (anorexia)

Recently, I worked up a serious alcoholism problem in just three months (benzos were involved) and then (despite a recent relapse), have decided to quit. It was killing me and everything I love. I can't be around her, her beer, or her alcoholic behavior; my only solution was to leave the situation. After my first detox she told me "I liked you better when you drank". Of course she did -- when I drank, I liked her better when she was drunk.

Eventually I plan on asking her for therapy. Divorce might be necessary -- after all, I only have one life and she's making her own decisions. I can't force her into therapy or detox, although I've asked.

It's a tricky situation.
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