transformyself

So I have PMS which always makes me emotional, but this is different.

I have been living in absolute fear for years. Terrified of my NPD business partner, I wouldn't even answer the phone when she called. Terrified of AH and I have to live with the guy.

But just now I noticed, when one of those thoughts entered my mind, I just said, "so what??"

Seems the power these people had over me is gone.

Sorry, seems the power I GAVE to these people has subsided, which means I'm doing something different.

More later. Love to all.

transformyself

Have you had this experience? Please share!

ConeyIslandHigh

Yeah, I'm reaping some of the benefits of this triumph myself.

AH called @ 4AM looking for sympathy and attention, after being unavailable to follow through on a planned discussion, and I didn't answer or call back. Then his best (long distance) friend calls this morning terribly worried about how he's doing and all, and have I seen or heard from him? Somehow, I was easily able to say that "I'm not really concerned about how he's doing or feeling." "What if he kills himself?" asks the friend. "Then that will be a very sad shame, but he's already in the process of killing himself with vodka, and it's his choice to make. I just can't feel bad or worry about it because I know I've done all I can do. Besides, willingly killing himself would interfere with his drinking, so I doubt he'd do that, since that is his only priority."

As I was saying some of this, a lightbulb went off. "Hey, wait a second! His selfish, manipulative behaviour isn't affecting (or maybe I should say, infecting) me anymore, because I'm not letting it." I win, not him. Game over!

transformyself

oh my goodness! You put that quote in the bottom of your sig line?

I'm so glad to see this today, see how strong I was feeling just yesterday, because I woke up today and was faced immediately with an angry AH has he was getting ready for work. He's been sleeping on the couch, guess he's punishing me or something lol, but waking up with someone angry and roaring about set me dials on shame right away. And guilt.

Now, I guess, I should go outside and pray before my kids get up. That always helps.

I am feeling a bit unsure of myself. Uncomfortable is more like it. But that's to be expected I guess. It's my choice to bite down on the comfort and insanity of my old ways or choose a new path.

Guess you guys are right (as usual) and staying angry is very motivating. Hope I get this done fast, though, as I've lived in anger long enough and am looking for peace.

ConeyIslandHigh

Hey, you'll get through this! You're becoming stronger by the minute, but sometimes it takes falling back a little to get up enough momentum to push forward. "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

I can finally say, for me, that I've been there, done that, seen the movie, bought the button, hat, t-shirt, and poster, and have finally come to fully realize that no matter what happens, it's not going to be this, not anymore, (like you said) Dude.

Your insightful posts have given me a lot of strength these past few weeks, and I only hope I can offer just a little in return.:ghug3

transformyself

Well, I think this is why God put us here; to repeat back to each other what we say when we're strong. To reflect back to each other, regardless of what it is we say. I mean, my children reflect back to me what I've said and it ain't pretty, but in some way that's more comfortable today than seeing my strength.

Oh boy I'm really screwed up.

I don't know what this is, these tears reading your post, but I think it's self doubt? But not really. It's bizarre having someone feed me back my words. I did say those things didn't I? Even Dude!

I think what I'll do is acknowledge whatever this is, stop trying to analyze it--sure death for me most of the time--and go forward with "I'm strong and changing my life for the better."

This is so true:

but it leaves me in unfamiliar territory.

Wait, no not exactly. I left AH in August 2009, packed up and was gone in one day after I woke up in the middle of the night and found him texting his affair partner he had just left to move back in with us. He texted her, "I miss you, you never left me." but I sure did. was GONE the next day, rented a UHaul and took the kids to a house we were all suppose to be moving to because our we were losing our home. He lived alone in a foreclosed house for six months after that.

anyway, I felt fantastic after that for a little while but eventually when the A is gone from my life, I had to face my own demons and I've got plenty of those.

That is the only thing keeping me back I think. Being afraid of failing. I moved AH back in! I couldn't pay the bills and succumbed to my demons of PTSD and insanity.

So, while the fear of abandonment and shame of staying so long that keeps my tied to AH is subsiding, I apparently still have plenty to deal with regarding my ability to take care of myself.

Not new. But I have to address it differently.

Thanks for letting me process externally. I think I'll go outside and pray.

Love to all.

tjp613

Maybe it's as simple as a shift in spiritual energy -- you are giving your focus to courage, lack of fear, empowerment, and forward motion -- and the more energy you put into it, the more it comes back to you. I believe this is known as "progress"! May it continue to expand in your life and attitude until you have broken free completely!

tjp613

And BTW - thank you for your post -- it's got me looking at how much fear has gripped me in the last few weeks, keeping me locked in a dungeon, while I watch life go by rather than be an active participant.

Think I'll create some art today. Thank you.

transformyself

Yes!! Art!!

You're welcome, I'm going to keep coming back here and reading it too.

Thumper

I hope you feel more centered and sure before moving on with your day. I understand a little of what you are experiencing - yet our individual struggles are different (so how I process might not apply).

For me it helped a lot to remind myself that 'Feelings are not facts.' It helped me to separate my feelings out from the facts of my life and to base my actions on the facts, not the feelings. I then moved forward one step at a time. I felt a lot of fear, guilt, and uncertainty. I don't think those were based in fact. I needed a plan and so I made one based on the facts and just kept moving. A big part of the fear for me was letting go of the future.

SR and a counselor helped me a lot with this. I'm glad you are here.

transformyself

Thank you Thumper! This will be my mantra for today and I'm going to share it with my kids too. I'm enjoying sharing recovery tools with them, those poor guys need all the help they can get after living with us.

I'm glad I'm here too. Thank you.

ConeyIslandHigh

Yes, acknowledgment of reality is important, don't try to talk (or think) your way out of it! I'm having some trouble with this, too.

For me, the uneasiness and uncertainty of the unfamiliar now seems a far more more comforting and rational option than the horrific nightmare and unwavering certainty of the all-too familiar, ya know what I mean? And yes, I keep reminding myself, I HAVE OPTIONS!

It's finally occurring to me that I'd really be failing by continuing to subject myself to this. I've given it 12 good years of my life. Wouldn't it be an EPIC FAIL if I gave it another 12 of those years? Getting out, out, out of if it ASAP is the only way I'm ever truly going to be successful.

Well, they've already abandoned the heck out of us, haven't they?!? It would be a pitiful shame for us to stay "tied" to them, wouldn't it?!? I don't want to be bound to or by him and his actions/non-actions anymore.

As always, thanks so much for providing me the opportunity to think through these things for myself, by sharing yourself!

transformyself

Coney-it's so helpful to be able to come here, barf this stuff out and have generous, thoughtful feedback. Not just from Coney, but everyone. Thank you so much.

First, Coney everything you said is true and in light of how drunk and nasty AH was tonight, I think I'll be getting the kids and me out of here faster than I thought. I wish I could sort out a way to make him move out, but am not sure how to do that one.

Tomorrow, I'm going to tell AH I'm filing for divorce ASAP. Tonight he was VERY drunk when I got home and shifted into snarling at me and following me, mocking me.

The kids were here. I told him to leave me alone, had to go for the phone and yell at him that he was leaving in a police car if he didn't get away from me.

Then I left, took my 11 year old with. We went out and saw an movie, an outdoor movie downtown at a summer festival. It was gorgeous out and we had a blast.

We talked about what had happened. He is mad that his dad won't stop drinking, even though he knows we want him to.

I shared the three C's with him, it feels SO DARN GOOD to have open communication with my kids. The teenager, not so much, but he's trying.

I have to get this man out of my house. I have to keep his alcoholic drinking away from my kids, and from me. I will talk to an attorney tomorrow, but I am transitioning from business owner to contractor again, which hopefully will bring me more money. For now, I have to go hustle to get my own income.

LTD said I should file while I"m unemployed. She's one smart cookie.

For now, I'm adjusting to the reality that I can actually SEE myself doing this now. See myself following through with filing, moving, or having him removed from the house.

It's sort of a no brainer. Going along with what Coney said, about how we've already been abandoned, and we've already failed at these relationships, whatever we go out and do will be fantastic comparatively.

Gotta go to bed and problem solve this stuff tomorrow. We're leaving, spending one night camping with my sister and her boyfriend. Fishing, swimming, I can't wait!

I think I'll tell AH when we leave that we'll not be staying where he is because of his drinking. No discussion, no asking him to stop, Just removing ourselves.

yeah. I like that.

Goodnight, ya'll!