Consequences
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Consequences
I haven't seen our son since February. I heard from him on Wednesday.
His car (which is also his home--as he is homeless) was impounded.....along with everything in it......all of his belongings and clothing. This is a consequence of the lifestyle he is living. I say "he is living" because I don't believe that any addict actually chooses addiction. It sneaks up on them and until they feel the full impact of their addiction and the lifestyle that is associated with it......it goes on and on and progresses. I have played a major role in that progression in the past by enabling that addiction and the behaviors associated with it.
He called to ask me to get it out of impound using the following four tactics:
1. Emotional/Psychological Blackmail: Threat of suicide. I don't know where he is, he's done this hundreds of times in the past, he hung up. I let it go and went about my day. If anything happened to him, I knew that the police would advise me. I prayed and gave it up to God.
2. Strong Arming: (he called again several hours later.....obviously didn't follow through on the suicide threat and it didn't work so on to the next tactic). Lots of foul language, insults, threats, anger, yelling and accusations......call lasted all of about 30 - 45 seconds. I hung up on him.
3. Pity me: At this point I turned my phone off. He called seven more times over the next hour. Leaving a message twice which I had my husband listen to before I listened. "I don't know why you won't talk to me Mom.....it's so....hurtful." I prayed and let it go (as best I could but I was pretty torn up by this point).
These first three all happened within the course of one day........
4. Tell her what she wants to hear and logic: This call happened two days later. "I've stopped using meth.....been clean for three days. I am asking you to help me out of a dire situation. Your Dad helped you once (yes true--once--not hundreds of times like codependent me has done for him). I simply said "I love you. I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sure you'll figure things out." Tactic evolved back into strong arming and pressure. I said "I said no....I mean no." All of this was done calmly and I ended the call with "I love you. Goodbye."
After the initial calls (tactics 1 - 3 which all happened over a period of ten hours or so) I had a couple of bad days (sad), but I know that I had responded appropriately......it still affected me but with the help of my friends and a strong program, I recovered quickly.
I am sharing this because people tell us what to do all the time but they don't give examples of HOW it's done calmly, with love, but not caving on the boundaries. I will not support my son in his disease. But I will support (by BEING something not DOING something) him when/if he chooses sobriety.
I have known for a very long time that my son's car was keeping him from his bottom. It was shelter. But most importantly it was currency. With a car, he could make drug runs in exchange for drugs, food, a place to sleep. Without it, he has lost his currency.
He is desperate. And he may resort to desperate measures (robbery, burglarly, suicide or maybe even recovery.....who knows.....it is all out of my control). What I do know is that I have not stuck a pillow under his butt as he approaches his bottom and he is in God's hands.......his choices from this point will cause something to happen and I don't know what that might be. Time will reveal more. I hope and pray for a good outcome. But I will survive whatever happens. I will be ok.
So many of you here on SR have had to do the tough stuff. I want to say thank you for guiding me and showing/telling how to stand my ground, do what is right for me, my family, and for my dear addicted son. I want to openly thank God for helping me find the courage and the words without any anger, resentment, or punitive intent.
This is a tough road that we all walk. I am so grateful to have SR, my friends from Al-Anon/Nar-Anon and my dear husband.
Just an update......thinking of all of you and empathizing with the struggle at all of the stages of personal recovery. It has taken me a very very very long (far too long for me and for my son) to get to this point in my own recovery. I'm ok today. The easy thing is No Contact. The tough thing is maintaining control over myself when there is contact.
gentle hugs
ke
His car (which is also his home--as he is homeless) was impounded.....along with everything in it......all of his belongings and clothing. This is a consequence of the lifestyle he is living. I say "he is living" because I don't believe that any addict actually chooses addiction. It sneaks up on them and until they feel the full impact of their addiction and the lifestyle that is associated with it......it goes on and on and progresses. I have played a major role in that progression in the past by enabling that addiction and the behaviors associated with it.
He called to ask me to get it out of impound using the following four tactics:
1. Emotional/Psychological Blackmail: Threat of suicide. I don't know where he is, he's done this hundreds of times in the past, he hung up. I let it go and went about my day. If anything happened to him, I knew that the police would advise me. I prayed and gave it up to God.
2. Strong Arming: (he called again several hours later.....obviously didn't follow through on the suicide threat and it didn't work so on to the next tactic). Lots of foul language, insults, threats, anger, yelling and accusations......call lasted all of about 30 - 45 seconds. I hung up on him.
3. Pity me: At this point I turned my phone off. He called seven more times over the next hour. Leaving a message twice which I had my husband listen to before I listened. "I don't know why you won't talk to me Mom.....it's so....hurtful." I prayed and let it go (as best I could but I was pretty torn up by this point).
These first three all happened within the course of one day........
4. Tell her what she wants to hear and logic: This call happened two days later. "I've stopped using meth.....been clean for three days. I am asking you to help me out of a dire situation. Your Dad helped you once (yes true--once--not hundreds of times like codependent me has done for him). I simply said "I love you. I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sure you'll figure things out." Tactic evolved back into strong arming and pressure. I said "I said no....I mean no." All of this was done calmly and I ended the call with "I love you. Goodbye."
After the initial calls (tactics 1 - 3 which all happened over a period of ten hours or so) I had a couple of bad days (sad), but I know that I had responded appropriately......it still affected me but with the help of my friends and a strong program, I recovered quickly.
I am sharing this because people tell us what to do all the time but they don't give examples of HOW it's done calmly, with love, but not caving on the boundaries. I will not support my son in his disease. But I will support (by BEING something not DOING something) him when/if he chooses sobriety.
I have known for a very long time that my son's car was keeping him from his bottom. It was shelter. But most importantly it was currency. With a car, he could make drug runs in exchange for drugs, food, a place to sleep. Without it, he has lost his currency.
He is desperate. And he may resort to desperate measures (robbery, burglarly, suicide or maybe even recovery.....who knows.....it is all out of my control). What I do know is that I have not stuck a pillow under his butt as he approaches his bottom and he is in God's hands.......his choices from this point will cause something to happen and I don't know what that might be. Time will reveal more. I hope and pray for a good outcome. But I will survive whatever happens. I will be ok.
So many of you here on SR have had to do the tough stuff. I want to say thank you for guiding me and showing/telling how to stand my ground, do what is right for me, my family, and for my dear addicted son. I want to openly thank God for helping me find the courage and the words without any anger, resentment, or punitive intent.
This is a tough road that we all walk. I am so grateful to have SR, my friends from Al-Anon/Nar-Anon and my dear husband.
Just an update......thinking of all of you and empathizing with the struggle at all of the stages of personal recovery. It has taken me a very very very long (far too long for me and for my son) to get to this point in my own recovery. I'm ok today. The easy thing is No Contact. The tough thing is maintaining control over myself when there is contact.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Kind Eyes,
you have written exactly what I needed to hear today. I am so sorry for what is going on with your son but I truly appreciate your sharing your ESH....I am having to stand strong with my son and my boundaries and today just feels rough. But, reading your post has helped to support me in what I am doing.
My son's dad is enabling him/supporting him in his choices at this point. I know that there is nothing that I can do about that. On top of my son telling me how I have ruined his life and failed him as a mother my ex is doing the same thing.
You put it so well this whole cycle....and I know that the best thing for me is just to stay strong.
Again, thank you for sharing your journey. It's helping me more than you know.
Donna
you have written exactly what I needed to hear today. I am so sorry for what is going on with your son but I truly appreciate your sharing your ESH....I am having to stand strong with my son and my boundaries and today just feels rough. But, reading your post has helped to support me in what I am doing.
My son's dad is enabling him/supporting him in his choices at this point. I know that there is nothing that I can do about that. On top of my son telling me how I have ruined his life and failed him as a mother my ex is doing the same thing.
You put it so well this whole cycle....and I know that the best thing for me is just to stay strong.
Again, thank you for sharing your journey. It's helping me more than you know.
Donna
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
So hard. So very hard. I thank God with you that you are coping with this painful process with such grace. Your calm love shines like a light for all of us here.
I pray that your beloved son finds his way to recovery, and that God will hold you both in the palm of His hand.
Blessings and peace to you and yours.
I pray that your beloved son finds his way to recovery, and that God will hold you both in the palm of His hand.
Blessings and peace to you and yours.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you KE, you are so strong and so enlightened to this terrible disease we all face with our loved ones. I know how very much you love your son, and that shows in the way you handled him. I hope and pray this is a turning point for him. You are clear in your boundaries and of course your son knows that you love him.
I am praying today for all of our lost ones, may the light shine and may they follow it.
Love
Teresa
I am praying today for all of our lost ones, may the light shine and may they follow it.
Love
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
KE,Thank you for sharing,I am sorry for what your going through and very glad that your recovery is shining.... seeing how being something and not doing something is very helpful for me it never fails to amaze me how my HP seems to have what I need right in front of my eyes.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Kindeyes,
Thank you for the gift you have given by sharing your personal experience. This one I need to print out and put in my "support folder"; things to help me remember and help me maintain control over myself in those rough moments.
Cangel
Thank you for the gift you have given by sharing your personal experience. This one I need to print out and put in my "support folder"; things to help me remember and help me maintain control over myself in those rough moments.
Cangel
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thank you for sharing that Kindeyes. You show that even with a lot of recovery under your belt, you can still have tough days...the difference is that now you know what to do with them.
His care is in God's hands, your recovery is in yours. Well done, girl!!!
Hugs
P.S. Your boy remains in my prayers too.
His care is in God's hands, your recovery is in yours. Well done, girl!!!
Hugs
P.S. Your boy remains in my prayers too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Kindeyes,
Thank you so much for sharing!! I ditto all that has been said. This is why we are here! As I read your response to your son I saw such love, compassion and strength! We need a group hug in such a big way!!
praying for all our lost ones and the strength to continue on holding one another up.
Thank you so much for sharing!! I ditto all that has been said. This is why we are here! As I read your response to your son I saw such love, compassion and strength! We need a group hug in such a big way!!
praying for all our lost ones and the strength to continue on holding one another up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
[QUOTE=Ann;3468043]Thank you for sharing that Kindeyes. You show that even with a lot of recovery under your belt, you can still have tough days...the difference is that now you know what to do with them.[QUOTE]
Ann
I think it is so very important to let others know that this detaching with love stuff isn't easy......even when we do have quite a bit of recovery under our belts. We all have bad days. We all face the tough stuff. This disease can still knock the wind out of us. The difference between dealing with this today and dealing with it five years ago is like night and day. My hope is that all will find their own path to healthy coping skills.
You are one that always keeps me upright when I feel my knees buckling.....I hope you know that. Your story and mine are becoming more and more parallel.......your survival shows me that it's possible to love them enough to let them go and keep on living a happy, full, productive life. It is how we best honor ourselves, our family, and our addicted loved ones.
You and your dear son are always in my prayers as well as all of our loved ones who are lost in addiction.
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I love each and every one of you in a very special way.
gentle hugs
ke
Ann
I think it is so very important to let others know that this detaching with love stuff isn't easy......even when we do have quite a bit of recovery under our belts. We all have bad days. We all face the tough stuff. This disease can still knock the wind out of us. The difference between dealing with this today and dealing with it five years ago is like night and day. My hope is that all will find their own path to healthy coping skills.
You are one that always keeps me upright when I feel my knees buckling.....I hope you know that. Your story and mine are becoming more and more parallel.......your survival shows me that it's possible to love them enough to let them go and keep on living a happy, full, productive life. It is how we best honor ourselves, our family, and our addicted loved ones.
You and your dear son are always in my prayers as well as all of our loved ones who are lost in addiction.
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I love each and every one of you in a very special way.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Kind Eyes,
You summed it up how I feel about you and Ann. Ya'll show me the way to do this. I've struggled pretty much over the last few days particularly and I think that I needed the reminder to be gentle with myself and that no matter how long you've worked a recovery things can happen that take your breath away. Your willingness to share your journey certainly helps me a whole whole whole lot.
I will keep you and all of the "boys" in our prayers. And....all of the girls, the moms, dads, BF's, GF's, sons, daughters too.
You summed it up how I feel about you and Ann. Ya'll show me the way to do this. I've struggled pretty much over the last few days particularly and I think that I needed the reminder to be gentle with myself and that no matter how long you've worked a recovery things can happen that take your breath away. Your willingness to share your journey certainly helps me a whole whole whole lot.
I will keep you and all of the "boys" in our prayers. And....all of the girls, the moms, dads, BF's, GF's, sons, daughters too.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!!
Thank you for sharing.
I have been reading you grow and change so much in this past year especially, and now this!
WOW!!!
You have really made my heart smile today.
I know and understand that this was and is hard for you. Your calmness and serenity underneath in knowing you have done the corrct thing for you and your son is showing through BIG TIME.
Again, thank you for sharing this and showing all of us, new and old that change is not only possible for us individually, but is a reality and does work.
Prayers going out to you and your family.
Love and hugs,
Thank you for sharing.
I have been reading you grow and change so much in this past year especially, and now this!
WOW!!!
You have really made my heart smile today.
I know and understand that this was and is hard for you. Your calmness and serenity underneath in knowing you have done the corrct thing for you and your son is showing through BIG TIME.
Again, thank you for sharing this and showing all of us, new and old that change is not only possible for us individually, but is a reality and does work.
Prayers going out to you and your family.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The part that I didn't share with you all is that Monday was his birthday. I had every reason (excuse) to cave in and get the car out "as a birthday present". He never addressed it as a birthday issue and neither did I. The actual day of his birth, when I looked into the eyes of that little baby, I never dreamed I would be dealing with something like this.
My gift to him this year was the dignity of being a man.
He may not see it that way......but that is how I prefer to look at it. He is very loved.
gentle hugs
ke
My gift to him this year was the dignity of being a man.
He may not see it that way......but that is how I prefer to look at it. He is very loved.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Wow, Kindeyes. Wow. You ended up giving your dear son one of the greatest gifts a mother can give, after life itself. In a way, you gave him his life again.
You are an amazing woman. The courage you displayed is awe-inspiring.
And I know, all too well, the strange sorrow that accompanies that memory of first laying eyes on the child whose path appears to be such a twisted distortion of what I thought was possible. And then I remember the hard truth that my son is not mine in a way I never understood until all of us were forced to face the specter of addiction.
Your example humbles me and gives me strength. Thank you for sharing all of this.
You are an amazing woman. The courage you displayed is awe-inspiring.
And I know, all too well, the strange sorrow that accompanies that memory of first laying eyes on the child whose path appears to be such a twisted distortion of what I thought was possible. And then I remember the hard truth that my son is not mine in a way I never understood until all of us were forced to face the specter of addiction.
Your example humbles me and gives me strength. Thank you for sharing all of this.
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