Hithere22

Has anyone read this book? If so, how do you feel about it and the philosophy on relationships, healing eachother, etc. I ask because honestly so many post on here seem very harsh. I understand being that way toward an active alcoholic. But what about the recovering ones who are doing the right thing? I've always tried to take an interdependence approach to my relationships. I know that is impossible with someone who is addicted and not in recovery. But what about the ones who are?

Bluebonnet1

Yes, I just reread it recently!!! I know your story...don't use the book to justify staying with her. Yikes, that sounds harsh. Lol. ( I agree, some members are maybe tougher than we are, or have made it out and are just trying to encourage you to do what they couldn't). Utilize the book to help identify the emptiness you are trying to fulfill so that you don't look for that in the next person.

I reread the book and did the same thing you are doing...I looked for things that I could do better to make it work. I should've known when we did our relationship vision and didn't see eye to eye on my idea of "we drink 1-2x a week in moderation", that it was doomed.
We have very similar stories, so please don't feel like it's something you are doing wrong. She will always choose the alcohol. Xabf wasn't even a raging A. His problem was binge drinking and becoming Mr Hyde. He was a week sober, attend counseling, and even a recovery group, the night before he put my jeep through a house. Their recovery still has to be their own. And sometimes, like in my case, they are using it as manipulation, so they don't deserve the effort you would put in to try and fix the relationship.

Hope that helps. I've been where you are all too recently!! Please reach out any time.

Hithere22

I just found an article online by the author of the book discussing his approach to addiction in relationships. I can't post it yet because I'm a newbie and don't have enough posts yet to be alloyed to post a link, but I will put it up here as soon as I can. He actually takes a couples based approach to addiction. He views it basically just as any other child wound we're trying to heal. It's interesting.

Katiekate

An active alcoholic has no desire to heal themselves, dual healing needs dual work, we have to know how to heal ourselves before we can aid in the healing of others.

We have to love ourselves, be honest, loyal, compassionate , and trustworthy to journey to healing with someone else.

We are not harsh, we are realistic.

Still Waters

Yes.

marie1960

Hithere,

Please know we are not being harsh with YOU. We are simply sharing the true facts of this horrific disease. Perhaps, your GF's disease has not progressed to the level that some of us have endured. Just let me ask you this, could you see yourself living as you are, right now today, in 5 years, 10 years, 20 or 30 years?

I cannot relate to your above statement " child wound we are trying to heal"

I was not involved with a child. I was with an adult man. And I expected/ assumed XA to conduct, and carry himself as a man. I did not desire to babysit, hold his hand, be responsible for his unacceptable actions.

I do not find anything attractive about an intoxicated person. To witness their out of control behavior on a daily basis is enough to send anyone off the rails.

I have walked in your shoes, I know what you are living. I understand.
Take care of you.

lizatola

There is another relationship book out there that my therapist wanted me to read. It was about the emotional freedom technique and it's called "Hold Me Tight". The book is meant to be applied and used by both partners and specifically states in the beginning that it is not meant to be used in a relationship where there is abuse or addiction. I read through most of it and it's all about communication and understanding why our partner reacts or puts up walls or defends themselves, etc. It tries to give us a better understanding of our relationship and of our partner and there are exercises to do in the book, as well.

Oh, back to my point. Any book about relationships or love or having our needs met is going to be a mute point in a relationship if there is addiction or abuse or probably even a personality disorder that is left untreated. You can read these books for your own insight if your partner isn't on board, though. How does your partner feel about the book, are you working through it together?

Tuffgirl

I recommend anything by Dr. Laura.

Have you tried "The 10 Stupid Things Men do to Mess Up Their Lives"?

There's also the equally powerful version for women - same title, swap the 'Men' for 'Women'

Caveat - she actively states all throughout her books and shows that the three A's ruin every relationship: Abuse, Adultery, and Addictions. Just FYI...