LifeRecovery

Dear all-

I have been holding onto this for a long time and would love any feedback anyone has to offer.

I met with my therapist today and did talk about this.

When I met my exAH I had already started recovery for an eating disorder. I maintained my recovery work our entire relationship (and am incredibly grateful for that). It took me a bit to realize that he struggled with alcohol, but luckily when it hit I had support from my therapist regarding it. Later I found Al-Anon and other pieces of recovery from my relationship.

I spent a lot of our relationship taking on any of his feelings, actions etc that he had as mine because I knew if I did that, I would work them. He did not find recovery.

In the last few weeks I am coming to understand that I have a lot less work to do when I only have my own recovery to work on. For that I am grateful.

I am struggling though, and I am not 100% sure with what. I think I am feeling a sense of survivor's guilt. I got recovery and it stuck, he did not.

I also think I am struggling with that just like I had a relationship with an addict, so did he. Does that mean that I am doomed at relationships?

I think in some way I am cutting myself down at the knees to bring it to his level...almost giving his behavior an excuse. Maybe part of me feels guilty that individual recovery takes precedent, and that my focus was so individual that it impacted the relationship. (I did tell him and had him do some sessions with me prior to us getting married). I also attempted pre-marital counseling that he declined.

I know I have grown from my recovery. I think I am just looking for insight especially from those who have been on both sides of the coin of addiction on continuing to grow, on how to separate out your addiction from someone else you love.

Shadydeal

I am sorry that I am not much help but I am glad your here! I am glad your talking. Someone will come along with some experience in this area....wishing you the best!

LifeRecovery

At my Al-Anon meeting tonight we read and discussed part of the Merry Go Round of Denial pamphlet.

I realized something while reading it. So much of my exAH relationship's I view from the confines of my own addiction. I forget his addiction is its own separate entity, and the separate "Play" that surrounded it.

I view my recovery in Al-Anon as the whipped cream and cherry on top of my own recovery too (no pun intended).

I said in my therapy appointments after the drinking became a concern "I will work on our relationship once I get better." I took so much ownership for the problems as being mine, because of my addiction. I think I am still hanging onto that....I could not have a relationship with myself if I did not get better, never mind anyone else. His addiction was threatened by my recovery but it is sometimes really hard to hold onto that.

I am balling as I write this. It is such a relief and a let down all at once that my recovery is so important to me, but that it is not in the cards right now for someone that I care about. It is disconcerting to realize that I was not the only one with problems, and that truly it is hard enough to be in relationship....never mind when one person finds recovery and another does not.

Finally I am really angry right now. I know it is old, and I am working on it. I know that recovery is about being in the moment, and being present with whatever is there.

I am angry though. I have worked really hard to get better and right now it feels like that "better" is a place that has space for the anger, and the tears. I am waiting for the peace and the serenity, and gosh darn I want that right now. My expectations have got me again. I did not see recovery containing this, and am upset that it is there (on top of being upset).

I feel vulnerable, tender and confused. Thanks for letting me share.

Learn2Live

I don't know when or why I came to it, but I do know it had something to do with finally going No Contact with my closest brother, my "twin" as they called us (not truly twins), we'd been joined at the hip practically, absolute best friends since he was born....
I realized, for the first time in my life, that we are born alone and everything we experience we truly experience alone. Yes, someone may be standing next to me holding my hand while I am going through something, but they cannot feel what I feel, think what I think, etc. They are separate and apart from me, distinct human beings with their own feelings, thoughts and senses. It has been comforting to me because it made me realize it's OK to go through something alone because I've actually gone through my entire life that way. I am okay.

LifeRecovery

Thanks L2L. It reminds me of a Linda Ronstadt/Emmy Lou Harris song called For A Dancer which is about the journey of life with relationships, but also with yourself and ultimately your passing. I love the song though and you are right. I can't make him join the dance, and am fortunate I found the dance floor myself.

jessiec

Hugs. Just hugs. I wish I had more to offer.

LifeRecovery

Feeling clearer this morning.

Usually tears for me are cleansing, and they were in this case.

LifeRecovery

I had my therapy appointment for the week yesterday.

This stuff I wrote about is now all on the table. I feel so much better. Because of how I grew up I always tried to diffuse tension/anger/etc by taking it on.

I knew I did some of that in my relationship with exAH, but in all honesty I actually shoved most of our problems into "I have an eating disorder so all this stuff is because of that." I feel like yesterday I let a lot of that go. I am living much more in reality.

Thanks for letting me write this out but here is what I learned. I have such a hard time determining what is mine and what is not. Sorry for the length of the post, and really I just need to get it out there.

My part: I am in recovery (and was) for an eating disorder. I also have some codependency concerns from when I was little, but was working those as I worked my recovery. I got into and stayed in the relationship and took on a lot of the problems with it.

What was not my part (exAH and another relationship that was deeply involved in the first drinking episode of the relationship). It is a long story, but is related. What is not mine in all of this.

I was newly married and realized I had married an alcoholic
I was in a same sex friendship with someone who was living with un-diagnosed bipolar disease, an eating disorder and a lot of her own stuff.
The two of them were in conflict in my early married stage, and would not communicate with each other. I tried to bridge that conflict. Neither of them were able to support me in how I was feeling in that moment.

Prior to the end of the relationship I also was dealing with
-15 deaths in a little over three years
-An affair between my husband with another good friend of mine (or so I thought). She also lives with some substance abuse concerns.
-A divorce
-A new boss (some other job loss too)
-From both my friend(s) and my husband the chaos and craziness that comes with living with an addiction of his/her own. Manipulation tactics, blame etc. Because I could not have adequate resolution when I brought up a concern I thought all of the communication in the relationship (or lack there of) was mine too.

I just sobbed yesterday. Even if I had been perfectly healthy when I entered my marriage I would have had a lot to contend with. It was not all MY ADDICTION that was the problem. Actually my addiction only contributed a small portion of the chaos, and I was working it the best I could.

The weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

I still have pieces to work on, but I left my appointment yesterday realizing only about 20% of them are mine. I feel loose, present and relived.