Finally taking a baby step forward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 61
Finally taking a baby step forward
After 29 years of marriage to an active AH- I am 47, been married to him since I was 18 and clueless about alcoholism- I am finally taking a step forward to be proactive rather than reactive. I am scared to death I am making the wrong decision. We have 3 beautiful and successful grown daughters and have built what seems from the outside an extraordinary life. I have come to the point where I cannot stand to be around him or even talk to him when he is drunk. And he is always drunk. I actually set this boundary 3 years ago after an incident where he contacted a former HS girlfriend on facebook,had some interaction with her, and lied to me about it. I was devastated. He admitted it was from poor judgement due to drinking, but he continues to drink. I have become acutely aware of the lies, deception and blatant disregard he has for me. I do not want to live like this; I deserve better, but I am overwhelmed with the idea of drastically changing the world as I know it. I have recently contacted a family law office and set up an appointment for a free consultation for a separation agreement. I am not personally ready for divorce, although he frequently threatens it but makes no moves towards it. I am afraid that once I get the ball rolling I won't be able to stop it if I want to. I have always just reacted to his behavior but his recent disrespect for my wishes financially have brought be to the point of needing to be proactive to protect myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hugs Trilogy. This really sucks.
But we are responsible for taking care of ourselves. If living in this situation is not healthy for you, then you must take the steps to change it.
All I can say is take it one step at a time. Gathering information is a good first step. Weigh all your options. Make choices based on understanding and accepting the consequences of each one.
And keep coming back.
Prayers for strength,
~T
But we are responsible for taking care of ourselves. If living in this situation is not healthy for you, then you must take the steps to change it.
All I can say is take it one step at a time. Gathering information is a good first step. Weigh all your options. Make choices based on understanding and accepting the consequences of each one.
And keep coming back.
Prayers for strength,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Dealing with the reality that we cannot escape the addiction nor can we change the alcoholic, and that things will not only be as bad as they are today but will get worse....it is very hard.
But the reality is that he has untreated alcoholism and the problems are very deep and very destructive, and you cannot change that reality.
Life simply does not support denial or escape. There is never a good outcome when we use those methods to handle our problems.
But Life does support our facing reality and dealing with it. When we do that, there is real hope.
You sound as if you cannot live one more minute with the revulsion you feel. This is the inevitable outcome of living with alcoholism.
Life "as you have known it" has now changed, irrevocably, and you will have to change with it, as will your daughters, as will your alcoholic.
Because his addiction is never going to go away. And even if you tried to hide it, collude with it, keep up appearances, and keep your daughters from the distress of having an alcoholic father.....you would lose.
You are doing the right thing. Deal with it. Insist on treatment. Go to Al-Anon. Tell your daughters the truth.
Recovery for the alcoholic almost always starts first with recovery in the family.
So do that.
He is completely unable to be your partner. He is sick, his brain is sick. If you continue to just react to him, you will become very sick, too. Nothing will grow in your family except more pain.
So, time to take action. Separating is an excellent first step.
But the reality is that he has untreated alcoholism and the problems are very deep and very destructive, and you cannot change that reality.
Life simply does not support denial or escape. There is never a good outcome when we use those methods to handle our problems.
But Life does support our facing reality and dealing with it. When we do that, there is real hope.
You sound as if you cannot live one more minute with the revulsion you feel. This is the inevitable outcome of living with alcoholism.
Life "as you have known it" has now changed, irrevocably, and you will have to change with it, as will your daughters, as will your alcoholic.
Because his addiction is never going to go away. And even if you tried to hide it, collude with it, keep up appearances, and keep your daughters from the distress of having an alcoholic father.....you would lose.
You are doing the right thing. Deal with it. Insist on treatment. Go to Al-Anon. Tell your daughters the truth.
Recovery for the alcoholic almost always starts first with recovery in the family.
So do that.
He is completely unable to be your partner. He is sick, his brain is sick. If you continue to just react to him, you will become very sick, too. Nothing will grow in your family except more pain.
So, time to take action. Separating is an excellent first step.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Good for you for taking steps to change your own life for the better, since you can't change him. It is a scary step, but you'll look back and realize ou got a new lease on life. And 3 beautiful daughters out of an otherwise unfulfilling relationship. You are making the RIGHT decision.
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