Well, we are talking divorce now ...
Choosing Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Well, we are talking divorce now ...
I got sober March 6 with my husband. We went to detox together and for a month afterwards, things were fantastic. I saw changes in him that gave me a lot of hope for the future ... he was more positive, more hopeful, more energetic, he looked/ felt better ...
And then a month later he fell off the wagon. Hard. And it's been a downward spiral ever since.
Last night, my frustrations finally came spilling out. See, here is what his life is these days .... stumble in from the bar at 2,3,4 a.m ... sleep until noon ... get up, drink for an hour or two to recover from the night before ... then leave for the bar again around 1-2 in the afternoon. Rinse and repeat.
I told him that if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, I'd rather be alone because I pretty much am already. I said that I am going to move forward with my life and my boys' lives in spite of him, and that he is welcome to join us whenever he's ready, but that we're moving on. We have to. He spends half his day on the couch and the other half of his day on a barstool, and we are not going to be passive bystanders anymore. I told him I love him and that it is painful to see him living this way. I also told him that I can't allow my boys and I to sink into the pit with him but that if he ever wanted to get better, I'd be the first one to help him.
Well, after that I was told that I'M the reason he is the way he is. I'm unappreciative, my kids are unappreciative, nobody appreciates him. Blah blah blah ... all the same crap I've heard before. He can't deal with me, our kids (our youngest is autistic and he has NO ability to deal with him), our life .... he thinks that because he gives us a good lifestyle financially, it entitles him to do whatever he wants, which basically means abandoning us and not being here for us. He doesn't and probably will never acknowledge that his alcoholism is the root of our problems. I suppose I get that ... I was there at one time too ... but being sober now and seeing the futility of trying to communicate with an active alky who only sees life through his alcoholic haze, is tremendously frustrating. He is getting worse by the day and it is painful and ugly to watch. Curiously, however, it only solidifies my intent to stay sober. I don't want to go where he is.
We have agreed to stay together and be civil until our oldest graduates next year. Then we'll reevaluate. I can only hope and pray for a miracle to happen in that time, but we'll see. I told him last night that I was ready to leave but that was just anger talking ... we've been married for 20 years and known each other for over 30 years. It's hard to think of letting that go. But we deal with alcohol ... cunning, baffling, powerful. And it may take one of the few things in my life that I hold dear. If you pray, I'd sure appreciate your prayers for my husband. Thank you for listening to my rant.
And then a month later he fell off the wagon. Hard. And it's been a downward spiral ever since.
Last night, my frustrations finally came spilling out. See, here is what his life is these days .... stumble in from the bar at 2,3,4 a.m ... sleep until noon ... get up, drink for an hour or two to recover from the night before ... then leave for the bar again around 1-2 in the afternoon. Rinse and repeat.
I told him that if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, I'd rather be alone because I pretty much am already. I said that I am going to move forward with my life and my boys' lives in spite of him, and that he is welcome to join us whenever he's ready, but that we're moving on. We have to. He spends half his day on the couch and the other half of his day on a barstool, and we are not going to be passive bystanders anymore. I told him I love him and that it is painful to see him living this way. I also told him that I can't allow my boys and I to sink into the pit with him but that if he ever wanted to get better, I'd be the first one to help him.
Well, after that I was told that I'M the reason he is the way he is. I'm unappreciative, my kids are unappreciative, nobody appreciates him. Blah blah blah ... all the same crap I've heard before. He can't deal with me, our kids (our youngest is autistic and he has NO ability to deal with him), our life .... he thinks that because he gives us a good lifestyle financially, it entitles him to do whatever he wants, which basically means abandoning us and not being here for us. He doesn't and probably will never acknowledge that his alcoholism is the root of our problems. I suppose I get that ... I was there at one time too ... but being sober now and seeing the futility of trying to communicate with an active alky who only sees life through his alcoholic haze, is tremendously frustrating. He is getting worse by the day and it is painful and ugly to watch. Curiously, however, it only solidifies my intent to stay sober. I don't want to go where he is.
We have agreed to stay together and be civil until our oldest graduates next year. Then we'll reevaluate. I can only hope and pray for a miracle to happen in that time, but we'll see. I told him last night that I was ready to leave but that was just anger talking ... we've been married for 20 years and known each other for over 30 years. It's hard to think of letting that go. But we deal with alcohol ... cunning, baffling, powerful. And it may take one of the few things in my life that I hold dear. If you pray, I'd sure appreciate your prayers for my husband. Thank you for listening to my rant.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I'm sorry to hear that it's come to that and i hope the veil lifts from his eyes before it's too late. I'm glad you're not clinging on to a dream though. You have a strong spirit and great clarity of mind to see the situation for what it is and to know what is best for you and your kids. Kudos and good karma to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
ds, I hate to bring this up but I believe you are ready for a new 12 Step program.. Al-Anon.
Many AA's that I know also attend Al-Anon. Most AA's that I know have to deal with Alcoholics.
All the best.
Bob R
Many AA's that I know also attend Al-Anon. Most AA's that I know have to deal with Alcoholics.
All the best.
Bob R
Choosing Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Thanks, Bob. I know. My sponsor doesn't want me to do full-on Al-Anon just yet because I'm still working the AA steps but she has me doing a little Al-Anon stuff right now because she sees that this situation is interfering with my ability to diligently work the AA 12 steps (she is AA and Al-Anon herself). Right now I can only focus on my own sobriety, which could be in jeopardy any day because of this situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I'm so sorry to hear this desertsong. You and I have so many similarities, except that, for me, it sort of happened the other way around.
I realised I (we), had a problem and gave up in march. He was totally in denial, was unhelpful and unsupportive to say the least, and his drinking increased to the point of making me very unhappy. After a couple of months, I relapsed. Only for a night, but he saw me at my worst and it happened to be a rare evening that he was sober.
He joined me that night, and we are now 5 weeks sober together.
I never thought this was possible.
I only have the utmost admiration for the way you have maintained your sobriety through his drinking. You have such strength and you will make it through whatever comes your way. I work with kids on the autistic spectrum and have fostered short term before i had my own kids, so I understand the challenges that you must face on a daily basis.
You have become that person, strong focused and resourceful, that you need to be for them and for yourself. I have no doubt that you will do what you need to do.
Maybe one day, your husband will be ready to face his issues, I will pray for him and for you and the kids.
Keep strong. We are all here for you xxx
I realised I (we), had a problem and gave up in march. He was totally in denial, was unhelpful and unsupportive to say the least, and his drinking increased to the point of making me very unhappy. After a couple of months, I relapsed. Only for a night, but he saw me at my worst and it happened to be a rare evening that he was sober.
He joined me that night, and we are now 5 weeks sober together.
I never thought this was possible.
I only have the utmost admiration for the way you have maintained your sobriety through his drinking. You have such strength and you will make it through whatever comes your way. I work with kids on the autistic spectrum and have fostered short term before i had my own kids, so I understand the challenges that you must face on a daily basis.
You have become that person, strong focused and resourceful, that you need to be for them and for yourself. I have no doubt that you will do what you need to do.
Maybe one day, your husband will be ready to face his issues, I will pray for him and for you and the kids.
Keep strong. We are all here for you xxx
Choosing Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Thank you, Jeni. I've been following your journey as well, and am so happy for you! I hope you two continue on your sober path, I really do. And I appreciate your kind and encouraging words. I have to admit that the only thing keeping me sober right now is my boys. They have seen the changes in me and our relationship has changed SO much for the better. They need me. My 17 year old is SO angry at his father right now and is clinging to me for support/parenting. I can't let him down. But every day, I crave a drink more and more. I sometimes think that I'd be better off as a single parent, I really do.
Choosing Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
And thanks, Dee. A moment of clarity would be a real blessing right now. I don't know what it will take but I hope it isn't something awful. I'm also praying for the "gift of desperation." He's had it before ... he could have it again. I hope so.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Boy do I know how you feel DS! Mine is going fine again for now, but I have got to get into a good AlAnon home group here. The first one I went to had no one who had been an active alcoholic and to be honest I think they were a bit afraid to have me! I guess they have ex alcoholics with a few weeks of sobriety come in not yet ready for prime or something. Anyway, like AA, where I had to check out three groups and lucked out on the last to be my home group, I'll just have to try a few more. Although we are not having any issues and seem back on our old great relationship I am taking care of me anyway. I need a different perspective as even when I taught a lot of this like when some one represents themself in court they have a fool for a lawyer it works the same for people who are experienced in teaching Co dependency and alread knows I messages and ownership and boundaries, I find my own emotions can get in the way.
That is what I find so valuable about face to face support, like counseling and meetings, the perspective to know when I am part of the problem.
Mine may come to that too. Or not, we will see. But you have to survive for you. Then you are automatically there for the kids. Take very good care of yourself. I am sorry you have to go it alone.
That is what I find so valuable about face to face support, like counseling and meetings, the perspective to know when I am part of the problem.
Mine may come to that too. Or not, we will see. But you have to survive for you. Then you are automatically there for the kids. Take very good care of yourself. I am sorry you have to go it alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I hope and pray that his moment of clarity comes soon too.
Life works in mysterious ways sometimes. Maybe he needs to be at the point of losing it all to see what he's got?
That is beyond your control though. All you can reasonably do right now is do the right thing for yourself and your boys.
You are in effect a single parent already, it sounds as though he is lost to the bottle at this point, and you are raising them without any support anyway.
It is heartbreaking, and I feel your pain.
Keep posting. You can lean on us for emotional support and we are here for you.
Love and hugs xxxx
Life works in mysterious ways sometimes. Maybe he needs to be at the point of losing it all to see what he's got?
That is beyond your control though. All you can reasonably do right now is do the right thing for yourself and your boys.
You are in effect a single parent already, it sounds as though he is lost to the bottle at this point, and you are raising them without any support anyway.
It is heartbreaking, and I feel your pain.
Keep posting. You can lean on us for emotional support and we are here for you.
Love and hugs xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Originally Posted by desertsong 
Well, after that I was told that I'M the reason he is the way he is. I'm unappreciative, my kids are unappreciative, nobody appreciates him. Blah blah blah ... all the same crap I've heard before.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 568
Hey desertsong, you've always been so thoughtful and supportive to everyone here, and it saddens me to see you going through this. You are doing the right thing for your family, and your kids will appreciate you for it. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by desertsong
I told him that if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, I'd rather be alone because I pretty much am already. I said that I am going to move forward with my life and my boys' lives in spite of him, and that he is welcome to join us whenever he's ready, but that we're moving on. We have to. He spends half his day on the couch and the other half of his day on a barstool, and we are not going to be passive bystanders anymore. I told him I love him and that it is painful to see him living this way. I also told him that I can't allow my boys and I to sink into the pit with him but that if he ever wanted to get better, I'd be the first one to help him.
Stay strong and keep the above paragraph handy to re-read anytime you're tempted to listen to his trickery about continuing to drink. He's the one doing it, not you, and furthermore, you've taken a stand against it and rightly so.
Maybe he'll wake up, maybe not. Either way, stay strong.
I'm very sorry you're going through this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
I join the others in sending support, love, and praying for things to change. As you said, he came to his senses once - surely he can again. I hope he gets tired of the horrible lifestyle he's taken up - and sees the light before you totally give up on him. I've been there, and it's impossible to reason with them in that state. You're amazing for remaining strong and determined under these conditions. Very proud of you.
Glad you posted - I hope it relieves the anxiety a bit to know we all care about you, desert.
Glad you posted - I hope it relieves the anxiety a bit to know we all care about you, desert.
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