Not The Kind of Mom I Want to Be
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Not The Kind of Mom I Want to Be
I'm an ACOA and was formerly married to an A. My family of origin is extremely dysfunctional and I've been working very hard to detach from them and not be involved in their drama. I'm 55 years old now. At some point along the way, within the past year or so, I started shutting down my emotions in all my relationships, or at least I think I did. I feel like I'm in survival mode and protecting myself.
Several months ago, I got firm with my young adult daughter (not an A) and told her I wouldn't tolerate her disrespecting me any longer, and I asked her to leave the house and not come back until she could be nice. This had been building up for quite some time, but I always tolerated it until I realized I didn't have to take abuse from anyone. So she proceeded to pack up all of her stuff and move it to her dad's house. She has been living full-time at her dad's house since then, even though I have told her on more than one occasion she is welcome to stay in my home if she is respectful and works.
So today, I met up with her to give her something she wanted from me. She started telling me that she hadn't been feeling well - stomach cramps - so she went to the doctor a couple of days ago. Her lab work was abnormal, so the doctor ordered additional tests. She spent several hours at the clinic, had multiple tests, and one procedure made her very sick. All of the tests came back normal, however, so she is due to have the lab work repeated next week to see if the bad results were because of the flu or a virus.
Why do I feel like the worst mother in the whole world? After I left her, I started bawling my eyes out because I wasn't there with her while she was at the clinic. I feel like when I became aware that it was okay to detach from my parents, and go "no contact" with my sister, I decided it was okay to detach from everyone and only care about myself. I'm behaving as if everyone else in my life is on their own. Am I being selfish, or just trying to survive, or what? I can't even figure what a normal relationship or normal behavior is like any more. Please help.
Several months ago, I got firm with my young adult daughter (not an A) and told her I wouldn't tolerate her disrespecting me any longer, and I asked her to leave the house and not come back until she could be nice. This had been building up for quite some time, but I always tolerated it until I realized I didn't have to take abuse from anyone. So she proceeded to pack up all of her stuff and move it to her dad's house. She has been living full-time at her dad's house since then, even though I have told her on more than one occasion she is welcome to stay in my home if she is respectful and works.
So today, I met up with her to give her something she wanted from me. She started telling me that she hadn't been feeling well - stomach cramps - so she went to the doctor a couple of days ago. Her lab work was abnormal, so the doctor ordered additional tests. She spent several hours at the clinic, had multiple tests, and one procedure made her very sick. All of the tests came back normal, however, so she is due to have the lab work repeated next week to see if the bad results were because of the flu or a virus.
Why do I feel like the worst mother in the whole world? After I left her, I started bawling my eyes out because I wasn't there with her while she was at the clinic. I feel like when I became aware that it was okay to detach from my parents, and go "no contact" with my sister, I decided it was okay to detach from everyone and only care about myself. I'm behaving as if everyone else in my life is on their own. Am I being selfish, or just trying to survive, or what? I can't even figure what a normal relationship or normal behavior is like any more. Please help.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dear Luv,
Are you in therapy? A good counselor is a huge help in processing your feelings and helping read a situation from all sides.
As an ACOA and a child of abuse I tend to read alot into what people say and do, I am not saying your daughter is not being disprespectful, I was not there and cannot judge that.
My wife say I take minor slights and turn them into major hurts, and sometimes I know that to be true.
Hope you can work through this.
bill
Are you in therapy? A good counselor is a huge help in processing your feelings and helping read a situation from all sides.
As an ACOA and a child of abuse I tend to read alot into what people say and do, I am not saying your daughter is not being disprespectful, I was not there and cannot judge that.
My wife say I take minor slights and turn them into major hurts, and sometimes I know that to be true.
Hope you can work through this.
bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Thanks for the response, Bill. No, I'm not in therapy. I went to a couple of different psychotherapists for many years. It was very helpful, but I'm not able to afford it right now.
I definitely do take minor slights and make them into major hurts in my mind. I also read into what people say and do. I think it's from always being on the alert for the next emergency. And when it comes to stuff like that, I have zero tolerance any more. My coping skills are shot. Thank goodness I never turned to substances.
Thanks for the well wishes and for sharing your experience. It reminds me that these are common feelings for ACOAs, which helps alot.
I definitely do take minor slights and make them into major hurts in my mind. I also read into what people say and do. I think it's from always being on the alert for the next emergency. And when it comes to stuff like that, I have zero tolerance any more. My coping skills are shot. Thank goodness I never turned to substances.
Thanks for the well wishes and for sharing your experience. It reminds me that these are common feelings for ACOAs, which helps alot.
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