witharealwinner

I am so nervous. They are going to see their dad tomorrow morning. I will not see them again until Sunday afternoon.

He lives 2 hrs away. He is SUPPOSED to take them to one of his siblings' homes for his overnight.

How do I deal with this? I am so worried that he will drink around them. He is not supposed to.

I cannot wait until we have our actual custody mediation (probably not until Aug). This is the temporary custody schedule that was granted (?) in my pfa. At least during the mediation, he stands a good chance of being made to go for a drug/alcohol evaluation.

Why they didn't address his alcohol use during the pfa is beyond me.

If he shows up tomorrow smelling of alcohol, I can refuse to let the babies go with him.

They still get up at night, throughout the night, he has MAYBE gotten up with them 5 times since they were born, and I think I'm being overly generous there.

I will be so worried for them. It will be so weird to see him tomorrow, too.

Has anyone else been in this situation, where their children's other parent lives a few hours away and he/she is still drinking? How did you handle the visitation/custody issues? Did they get overnights?

Pelican

Oh my, I know this anxiety.......I'm so sorry you are experiencing this today.

My short answer: Trust your HP (higher power).

I know there is a lot of "what if...." about this whole arrangement, and I know I still can't shut that chain of questioning off in my own head years later ~ so I won't tell you to shut it off either.

I can suggest playing the tape forward on some of your concerns. Things like:
"what if they wake up all night?" I guess he will be up all night too.
"what if they are fussy all day?" I guess he will turn into an entertainer trying to make them happy.
"what if he shows up drunk?" I need to be prepared to change my plans to keep them at home.
"what if he fails to show up?" I'm okay with that.

I know the first time my children went to stay with their dad, I was a hot mess. No one prepared me for the feeling of them leaving my protection. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of loss of control. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of emptiness in my heart and my home.

From my experience, I learned to make a plan for the day they left for visitation. I would make a plan to spend the day with someone so I wasn't alone. It helped to have a plan with that could also be cancelled if I needed to be available for their immediate return.

As time went by, it did get easier. I learned to be productive while my children were away for the weekend/week. I clean like crazy when they are gone. I have a routine I like now.
The first night they are gone ~ I watch a movie. Popcorn, ice cream and fuzzy socks.
The next day ~ clean, clean and organize.
I try to include at least one activity outside of the house also.

I'm sending you support and hugs as you find your way through this first visitation. I'll be here to hold your hand through the process. You are not alone!

Milly39

Pelican has given some *good* advice there.
I hope things will go more smooth than you expect.

witharealwinner

Well, I won't be completely alone, my 3 older dd's will be there. Poor girls, they are worried about their baby brother and sister, too. My mom will be coming up to her cabin for the week (vacation), so she will be around.

I'm just worried for their safety. Maybe he won't show up. IDK how he will have money for gas, since he's not working. They told me that I should provide him with some diapers, clothes, whatever supplies they need, since I'm their primary caretaker. I will do so, even though it allows him to get off the hook again for supporting his babies, but I do not want them to suffer.

I do not want to keep them from him, as he is their dad, but I do want them to be safe.

I think I will get my hair cut tomorrow, goodness knows I need it.

laurie6781

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Please, stop, take a really deep breathe. Hold for a slow count of 10, then exhale. Repeat 10 times.

Do this throughout the day and evening. It will slow down your racing thoughts and calm you a bit.

Have a plan in place for when and if he comes to pick up the twins. You know he is an alcoholic and as much as he 'professes' he wants to see his children, he may not even show up.

Even if he does not 'act' drunk, but if you get even one 'whiff' of alcohol, please call the police and have them verify that he is sober and legally capable of driving as he will have your children" you do not want send the children with him if he is not safe to drive." The police will understand and do this all the time. ie you are not alone.

This is done for two reasons, well three reasons, lol 1) it protects you if he should complain you would not let him take the twins, you have a 'back up' witness that is the police, 2) protects you and the children should he start to 'go off', and 3) if he drove himself and they give him a breathalyzer test and he comes up over .08 they will give him a DUI.

Then if he is cleared by police and is capable of driving, and does take the twins, you start your next 24+ hours using the above breathing technique and saying The Serenity Prayer as many times as you need to. The nice thing about both of these remedies is that you cannot wear them out.

Know also that we here are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

witharealwinner

Well, my mom and possibly her boyfriend will be coming with me when he meets us. I had actually thought of calling the police if he smelled like he had been drinking, for those reasons you listed.

I am hoping he won't show. It seemed pretty clear to me last Thursday how much he missed the babies when, after the pfa hearing, he was allowed to come to the house to get some of his things, he never showed. I thought for sure he'd take that opportunity to come and at least say hi and give the babies a hug. Not only that, but at the hearing, he told the attorney that he couldn't visit his babies last weekend, but the next weekend would be better. This after not having seen his babies for a week when he was originally served with the temporary pfa on the 15th.

So yeah, I don't think they're really a priority for him.

Forgot to add, if I call the police if he even slightly smells of alcohol and tell them, they will actually test him for alcohol?

laurie6781

YES, especially if he has driven there and will be driving with your babies in the vehicle, they will also make sure he has car seats and that they are installed properly, etc

It will also be written up as an 'incident report' so there will be a record, and of course if after their normal DUI tests, ie alphabet backwards, walk a line, hold foot up for so long, they feel they need to give him a breathalyzer for 'their records' they will do that also and that will be in the report, that you can get a copy of and take to your next hearing.

I am happy for you that you will not be alone, that you mom will be with you.

Love and hugs,

headstrong

I guess I don't understand how you have a PFA that allows him to be near you. Is this specifically written into it? I have to have a third party get my daughter, so that is the reason I am asking.

witharealwinner

Yes, they granted permission for us to have contact during exchanges; it's written in there. We have to do exchanges in a public place, not at the house.