Innerchild

I have a very hard time expressing how I truly feel. Other AA members and my sponsor have noticed this. I put on a smile pretend everything is great and stuff my feeling inside. I know this is extremely toxic bc thats what lead me to drinking in the first place. My sponsor last night told me I am slipping and must get back to the Step Prayers, reading the BB and meditation each morning. So, I just did it bc I dont want to slip.

I am terrified of rejection. Talking to my therapist is different she gets paid to listen to me but why would anyone else really acare how I feel. Even if they did there is nothing anyone can do to help. I also do not want to be told I am wallowing in self pity and I think how brashly my first sponsor treated me when I was having problems has scared me even more to talk.

How do you talk? How do you know someone will listen? Maybe its something I need to bring up at my meeting today. Ive met some really nice people in AA but you think I will just pick up the phone and call someone I cant seem to do it. Instead I isolate.

Elisabeth888

I am the same way!

FINE stands for effed up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional and it fits me to a tee.

You share here. I am taking baby steps. It helps listening to people here and in meetings.

I am sure people will have some great advice for questions. I am kind of clueless too.

I think it has a lot to do with our ego.

freshstart57

I am so sorry to hear that you have been treated like this by someone in whom you have placed your trust and hope, Innerchild. That makes me very sad for so many reasons. That insensitivity and ignorance is toxic and criminal and deserves contempt and the highest condemnation.

You have a soul as we all do, Innerchild. You have the capacity to appreciate beauty and joy, and by doing so, bring that light inside of you so that you can shine. I hope that light can soon brighten your world and that of those around you too. Please never stop believing and searching because that is what life is for. Best to you.

Dee74

Think of us IC.
We all care and we want to listen to what you have to say - & none of us get paid

I had a lousy self image when I quit drinking - the voice inside my head told me I had nothing to offer, it was useless to try, I was wasting my time, people were just out to hurt me & put me down anyway....

Of course that was nonsense - and I knew I had to not listen to that kind of self-talk - I needed to reach out to save my life.

but...it takes time to trust...I remember...I found I got a lot better at learning who to trust & what to say as I worked on myself and my head cleared more and more ...I found I could trust my instincts a lot more

just by talking about this though, you've moving forward and thinking about positive change - I think you're doing well IC

D

neferkamichael

I finally overcame my fear of rejection by realizing that no matter what, I'm not going to be accepted by everybody. That's just a cold hard fact of living so I accept it as the way it is. I too don't reach out to people other than AA meetings or SR and I'm not sure why. I don't know if its isolation or something else. Sometimes I fear I will be disrupting somebodys peace of mind and serenity by calling them.

Gottalife

IC, I identify with you completely. I used to hate it when people said how are you feeling?, What kind of question is that? How would I know? I wouldn't have known an honest feeling if I fell over it. The problem was since age 13 I had been living by instinct, not feeling. I avoided growing up emotionally by getting whate ever emotion I wanted, mainly courage and confidence, from the bottle. When I stopped drinking I was completely stunted emotionally. To start with I was just numb and confused, but then feelings started to arrive.

And then my growing pains began. I didn't know anything about feelings, how to recognise what they were, how to work out whether I was running on instinct or a genuine feeling, and how to handle emotions like resentment and anger, fear and anxiety. The steps helped me deal with this. I didn't always get the answer up front, but the steps enabled me to make mistakes and learn from them. When I got something wrong and hurt someone, I made amends and learned from it. I learned about forgiveness too, the answer to resentment.

Maybe it is time for you to get a sponsor who can help you with this. There is a saying, "courage is fear that has said its prayers". Maybe pray for the courage to ask someone and , if the first one doesn't work out, just trust that God wants you to ask someone else who will be better for you.

I have often found when things don't go the way I wanted, that God had something better in mind.

Innerchild

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I just got off the phone with my sponsor and I told her the recent death of someone in my AA meetings really got to me. Scared the crap out of me bc she also had depression and alcoholism like myself. She was sober for four years then relapsed. It could be me or anyone and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.

I also told her that every time I hit thirty days I start feeling fearful, emotional, and filled with anxiety. She told me that was completely normal and its the second stage of recovery. I remember the last time before I relapsed on day 50 that I felt great the first 30 days and started to feel the exact same way no craving for a drinking just feel physically and mentally stronger than after day thirty everything seems to hit me. Only an addict can understand these feelings. So, I have to continue to pray and ask God to remove my fear and do nice things for others so I am not stuck in my own head as my sponsor told me. I should bring this up at the meeting today. So at least how I feel is normal for early sobriety.

2granddaughters

Awareness of a problem is the first step in addressing it.

I've learned:
You can't please everybody.
Not everybody will like you.. no matter what you do or say.
What others think of me isn't really "that" important.
Other people have ESH to share ... and so do I.
Being "restored to sanity" is a process .. a long never-ending education.
I don't have to sober anyone else up, nor impress them. I have to look after me as best I can.
If I stick with the winners and emulate them... I will be a winner as well.
Nobody particularly cares about me (like I think they do/should) so lighten up.

There's lots more wisdom from the oldtimers that escapes me right now. I'll get refreshed at the meeting tonight.

All the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

welp, theres 2 choices for ya.
throw yer sponsor $50 and start talkin or get some courage. you will know how someone is listening when you listen.

serious

I care.
I care, because I am in the same boat as you are. I care, because you are another human being in need of help. I care, because maybe it's a little selfish, but by listening to you I help myself and feel a little better as well.

There are a lot very compassionate people out there. I was afraid to ask for help, I was embarrassed, I didn't want to emotionally hurt others by dumping my problems on them.
Try and see what happens, you won't be any worse than where you've started.

If face-to-face or phone call is much to deal with, then post there. People here at SR know what you are faced with, we all care.

Anna

I'm sorry that you had been dealing with people who did not appreciate you and your issues. I know that my self-esteem was at an all-time low when I stopped drinking, and it took a lot to convince me that someone would be remotely interested in talking to me about anything. Hopefully the right person will come into your life, someone that you are comfortable sharing with.

KnowHope

I don't think we're automatically born with courage, I think it's something we gain in life. If I don't have it, I will ask until it comes, and I do that through prayer. If I barely have the willingness, then I pray for the willingness. It all comes back to that relationship between me and HP.

2granddaughters

I think we were appreciated, we just weren't appreciated the way WE thought we should be. That's what has to change.

All the best to everyone.

Bob R

2granddaughters

I think I was born with courage... what I needed was direction and discipline.

It was my repeated failures that drained the courage out of me.

Yes, my life was unmanageable and I needed a new manager... my H.P.

All the best.

Bob R

FredG

We listen because we've been there and know the terror of believing that no one is listening.

We listen because we've been there and know what it's like to believe that no one cares

We listen because we care.

Sapling

Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then.

bb pg 164

MalkavianEmily

I know that, since even before I started drinking, if I had problems, I'd withdraw into myself. Never asked for help because, I suspect, I didn't think I'd get it. Felt like an outsider even amongst people that I thought of as friends, apart from in the case of a very small number of people. If there was a party or a get together, I was always the one who wasn't invited.

I spent years being told I wasn't good enough. After a while, you believe it. "Who'd want to know you?" says the little voice in the back of your head. And then when you find people who seem to like you being around, you're never quite sure whether they do or not. Especially when it seems like they all know each other already.
So you keep your problems to yourself. "They don't want to know," you think. [And you may well be right. A lot of people don't want to deal with other people's sh1t]

I'm learning not to do that now. Not to withdraw when I have problems. That's one of the great things that I'm finding with AA (And here). People want to know. If I'm down, they want to know what's wrong. If I'm happy, they want to hear my news.

I'm learning to stop apologising for not being mindlessly cheerful all the time. I'm learning to stop apologising for things that I have no control over, but which are getting me down. I'm learning that just because something's not good doesn't mean people are blaming me.

And yes, not everyone will want to know me. Just as I won't want to know everyone. But I want to be there for anyone who wants to talk. I'm happy to listen if anyone wants to talk. Im not going to judge. I'm in no position to do that. And gradually I'm opening up. Expressing myself. Letting things out, and letting them go.
It's not easy. I've known rejection for a long time. I've seen my words taken out of context and twisted beyond all recognition.
But here I feel safe. I feel that people here understand. More than that, that they care. And so, I try to help other people with what I have to say. I'm not sure I do a good job, after all, I'm pretty messed up myself. But I try.

serious - what you said is what we all need to hear. Well, I know I do. "Do I care?" I ask myself. "Yes," is the answer. Because if I stop caring, then I'm no better off than when I drank.

Weasel1966

I look at it both ways.... There are just some people I never want to get to know.

Is that correct? Will I windup passing on possible experiences or viewpoints that could have been. YES.

But I am ok with that. I do not have the human capacity to accept... Acknowledge... Love every " type" of person.

With this understanding of my self it brings me comfort.

when I meet someone that does not " like " me I can only attribute it to the same reasons I have. And accept that its not always me. It's just human nature.

And specifically inner child I enjoy reading your posts. So keep posting!

Innerchild

I shared my feelings at a meeting today and because I shared another young member raised her hand and thanked me bc she was feeling the exact same way. This woman in the meeting told me bc I shared I helped someone out. Many people men and women came up to me after this meeting and it felt good that I was not alone. The key word I keep hearing is fear and I have to ask God to remove my fear. I just called someone in my network bc I was feeling isolated and sad. I must do what I am told bc its the only way I can stay sober I am powerless over doing it on my own.

sugarbear1

and you really helped others today, too!