EXM6

... but I NEED to vent.

After not drinking for over a month, I decided I wanted to take responsibility for my actions in my final blow with my ex. The last time we talked, I was on a three day bender and I said a lot of things I didn't mean. The way things ended did not sit well with me so I decided to reach out. I knew he could ignore me, tell me off, or be kind and apologize back. I was ok with all three outcomes-- I needed to do this for me so I could feel comfortable with how things ended from my end.

I wrote him an email. It was short and sweet. I took responsibility for my actions in our final argument, as well as the things I had done in the last crazy months. I did not engage in any "I acted this way because you did..." I solely talked about MY actions. I ended it saying I thought about him often and hoped he was doing well. As well that I would look back to the good times fondly. I did not end it in a way looking for anything from him. I didn't add any obscure "miss you's" or "love you's."

At the end of the day, I received a text message (we live in a small city) telling me that he created a dating profile on a website (some thing he does often), and that his description is filled with jabs about me. It said things like "I'm looking for someone crazy enough to keep me on my toes but not mental institution crazy" (the last thing he said to me was 'save all the crazy for the mental institution you belong in). As well as "I'd like to have kids someday but I'm not going to have them with just ANYONE" (I had an abortion a week before everything spiraled out of control). I just don't get it. It's fine if he wanted to ignore what I had to say... but to ignore it and then make jabs about me in his dating profile? I just don't get it. I go back and forth between being extremely hurt and actually feeling bad for him because he's a 34 year old man acting like a toddler.

I know I shouldn't let it get me down. I know I shouldn't be letting it bother me. I know it should be enough to show me that life is going to be better without him. I'm just so hurt that I shared SO much time with someone, and we went through so much together... and this is how they act. I wasn't always a drunken idiot in our relationship. He went outside our relationship and instead of leaving, about six months in I started to drink... Everything went out of control from there.

Sorry guys... I can't sleep and needed to get it out. Thanks.

ReadyAndAble

Well first, congrats on the month+!! That's fantastic—you should be really proud of it.

As for the rest, I dunno. A month is a huge amount of time in early recovery, but not that much time for someone who's been hurt—and it sounds like you both have been through some hurt. I do know one thing that's helped me a lot in recovery to is to remind myself that I can only control my own actions and responses, not anyone else's. You reached out and accepted responsibility for mistakes you've made. That's pretty cool, and something to feel good about. I guess my advice would be to focus on that.

saraylah

I read your message and he is acting immature and what your are feeling lright now is Hurt, and you want an explanation as to why he did that. You need to just leave him alone and let him get over this last argument you all had on his own in his own time...You handled it in a good way apologizing for your behavior but thats all that you can do. He is probably trying to get a reaction out of you and maybe from past experiences he thinks you'll be getting all hyped up and angry over his comments.....HE EXPECTS you to write him mean letters or just handle it in an immature way ut if you keep your self under control he will see that Hey His words didn't hurt you enough to get a reaction out of it and he will be looking for you sooner than you think. Yeah its hurtful when a person you care about says things that you wouldn't think they would say but people can say the stupidest things when they are mad. It'll be allright. You know that you're not crazy, so let it fall off your back. And when the time comes which it will just calmly ask him why he would say something like that. Express to him that it did hurt you if indeed it has, and after communicating that to him , if he does it again, then why would you want an immature man who keeps knowingly hurting your feelings. Good luck in your sobriety. A month is great. Fight the good fight. Keep your head up, your life is on the right track already, it may be even better without him.

CaiHong

Congrats on the one month,good work,
you have made your apologies but he hasn't acted as you felt he should, it's a real bugger when that happens and it happens such a lot.
I can't believe that I am just beginning to realize I have no control over other peoples actions and I shouldn't. I can't believe that other people aren't as reasonable as me.
You will get over him, it sounds like you both hurt each other, this will fade and as you embrace a sober life you will see it for what it really is.

love and strength to you
CaiHong

instant

He's allowed. You have done well. Experiencing the hurt of his reaction is part of the deal. You can grow through it.

MalkavianEmily

Congrats on the one month And yes. We can't control how other people react. It's up to them, and quite often they don't react how we'd like. We can control how we handle their reaction. Not that we can control how we feel, after all, we're not robots, but we can control what we do about those feelings. Sometimes it's better to do nothing, I think. Or maybe not, I don't know. Anyway stay strong. :ghug3 Things will get better.

nonblondechef

You made amends. Let go and let God. Taking the high road and focusing on your continued recovery will reap great satisfaction and rewards. Great job - keep on working on you.

EXM6

Thanks guys -- I really needed someone to listen. I feel a lot better this morning. You're all right -- I know I can't control his actions... but like you guys have mentioned, I'm hurt. I plan to leave everything... I'm definitely not going to go out of my way to say anything about this to him. I think that is why I needed to vent. I want to leave the last thing as my apology. Regardless of how he reacted, I'm still very happy to have written that email. It was like a huge weight was lifted after I sent it.

Thanks again guys!

Elisabeth888

I hats to break it to him but no one that is sane will respond to his profile.

It sounds like he is hurting and you have done your part in apologizing.

kiki5711

Well, I don't know how many replies he's going to get with that kind of profile anyway. He sounds like "HE" is the one mentally unstable not the one he's accusing of being it.

ladybug77

I have to agree with everyone else, you have done the responsible thing here. You reached out and made your ammends with your actions responisibly and that is all we can do. How others react is out of our control and I am proud of you for not reacting to his reaction other than venting here. That's why we are all here, to vent and listen while others do the same. Keep up the good work and congratulations on the month of sobriety.

EXM6

Again, thank you all so much for the replies. You have really made this a whole lot easier for me to just let go of any anger this may have induced, and just try to deal with the hurt.