I left him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
I left him.
Some of you have read my posts where I was trying to hang on until August due to finances. I had to leave this past Sunday. Got a uhaul and help all on a Sunday. He was quite shocked just sobering up from a weekend nightmare. I had to leave the house on Saturday night due to threats and verbal abuse. It wasn't what I wanted but what I had wasn't what I wanted either. I don't want a divorce but I may end up getting one. He is saying he doesn't have a problem and he considers us done and he has taken his ring off and moved on. Which I totally don't believe if someone loves someone and married to them that they move on in less than a week? But I just said "sorry you feel that way" and I removed myself from the behavior not from the marriage but if he wants a divorce and doesn't want to stop drinking and get help then it is what it is; I hope he changes his mind but today he isn't hearing it. I haven't been calling but I did call today and leave a message that if he wanted help all he has to do is pick up the phone and i left him a AA member's name and number. I have been nice even when I was leaving I was calm and said I love you and expressed that I didn't want a divorce but couldn't live in this due to the violence. So here we are, I have been applying for jobs like crazy hopefully something will come up soon. STaying with my mother in another state and trying to stay optimistic but realize that I have to take care of my own life and can't help hiim. I so wish I could have. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Its a huge step Rhonda, I really understand what you are going through and can empathise with your situation because I have been there. Big hugs!
Leaving my AH just over a year ago now was the best descision that I have ever done for me, my marriage and my alcoholic.
Your AH not moving on so quickly, believe me. Hes lashing out. His drinking world has shattered and alcoholics do not like change.
My AH of 23yrs told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life. He would get a new girlfreind and he would take her out on his boat and they would share drinking together.
I still loved him, but by the time I left, I didnt care what he did in his future. I knew that he wouldnt be able to have a normal relationship and eventually the merry go round would just continue with someone else in my place. I figured that woman would either have huge problems herself or if relatively normal, tell him its over, quickly.
I went no contact when I left (except a couple of household finances q's via email). No contact was the best thing, to help me, to keep moving forward and saved me a lot of heartache. I belonged to an acapella singing group and they organised lots of social activities that I joined in with, which kept me busy. I loved the peace and quiet of my own space and pleasing myself in my own place. It was the first time that I had lived on my own at 45yrs.
I wasnt expecting to hear from my husband ever again (except for family occasions with our DD's) but he sent me an email about 3 months after I had left, asking to meet up for breakfast. I decided to go and hear what he had to say. He was a bit of a mess, was on medication from his doctor for depression and was seeing a therapist who had been slowly reducing his alcohol consumption.
He stopped drinking completely, shortly after and has been sober for almost a year now, still in therapy and doing so well.
Im not telling you this to get your hopes up. Time will tell if I am one of the 'lucky' ones who has a strong recovered alcoholic, who stays that way.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes is one of my favourite phrases. If I had stayed, my life would almost definitely still be going along the same crazy making path, my health would continue to suffer, my alcoholic would most likely still be drinking and I would still be in a living hell of negative behaviours and turmoil.
Try 'no contact' (it will keep you sane) and keep coming to SR for support.
Leaving my AH just over a year ago now was the best descision that I have ever done for me, my marriage and my alcoholic.
Your AH not moving on so quickly, believe me. Hes lashing out. His drinking world has shattered and alcoholics do not like change.
My AH of 23yrs told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life. He would get a new girlfreind and he would take her out on his boat and they would share drinking together.
I still loved him, but by the time I left, I didnt care what he did in his future. I knew that he wouldnt be able to have a normal relationship and eventually the merry go round would just continue with someone else in my place. I figured that woman would either have huge problems herself or if relatively normal, tell him its over, quickly.
I went no contact when I left (except a couple of household finances q's via email). No contact was the best thing, to help me, to keep moving forward and saved me a lot of heartache. I belonged to an acapella singing group and they organised lots of social activities that I joined in with, which kept me busy. I loved the peace and quiet of my own space and pleasing myself in my own place. It was the first time that I had lived on my own at 45yrs.
I wasnt expecting to hear from my husband ever again (except for family occasions with our DD's) but he sent me an email about 3 months after I had left, asking to meet up for breakfast. I decided to go and hear what he had to say. He was a bit of a mess, was on medication from his doctor for depression and was seeing a therapist who had been slowly reducing his alcohol consumption.
He stopped drinking completely, shortly after and has been sober for almost a year now, still in therapy and doing so well.
Im not telling you this to get your hopes up. Time will tell if I am one of the 'lucky' ones who has a strong recovered alcoholic, who stays that way.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes is one of my favourite phrases. If I had stayed, my life would almost definitely still be going along the same crazy making path, my health would continue to suffer, my alcoholic would most likely still be drinking and I would still be in a living hell of negative behaviours and turmoil.
Try 'no contact' (it will keep you sane) and keep coming to SR for support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sorry to hear Rhonda.
I have to agree with the no contact.
No contact is for your sanity and well being.
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." (ok, maybe i shouldn't have used this cliche) If your AH truly wants help, he will seek it out. Call this AA number, when you are ready, is a waste of your time and energy. You are still engaging, and he still has you on the hook.
I am happy to hear you are safe, with your mother, and away from the toxic situation. May you take this time, to find peace and get to know yourself again. the crazytrain is no place to live.
Keep posting, we are here, and we understand your hurt, and sadness.
You, are not alone.
I have to agree with the no contact.
No contact is for your sanity and well being.
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." (ok, maybe i shouldn't have used this cliche) If your AH truly wants help, he will seek it out. Call this AA number, when you are ready, is a waste of your time and energy. You are still engaging, and he still has you on the hook.
I am happy to hear you are safe, with your mother, and away from the toxic situation. May you take this time, to find peace and get to know yourself again. the crazytrain is no place to live.
Keep posting, we are here, and we understand your hurt, and sadness.
You, are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Rhonda,
That's my story, too. I had a plan, which was pre-empted by increased intensity of threats and abuse. I felt lost, scared, angry, confused.
But I never looked back. I never doubted whether I had done the right thing. Today, I have my own place and a life with lots of joy, lots of calm, and minimal amounts of drama. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to not have to walk on eggshells for someone else anymore.
You had every right to save yourself. Now keep moving forward. You can do it. I know you can.
That's my story, too. I had a plan, which was pre-empted by increased intensity of threats and abuse. I felt lost, scared, angry, confused.
But I never looked back. I never doubted whether I had done the right thing. Today, I have my own place and a life with lots of joy, lots of calm, and minimal amounts of drama. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to not have to walk on eggshells for someone else anymore.
You had every right to save yourself. Now keep moving forward. You can do it. I know you can.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Sending you strength and love. I know this isn't what you wanted, but you've taken the right steps to ensure your own safety and sanity. That's amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Yep, when my AH had his affair, met the woman of his dreams and moved out to live with her, she was a homeless alcoholic he met at work.
I knew that he wouldnt be able to have a normal relationship and eventually the merry go round would just continue with someone else in my place. I figured that woman would either have huge problems herself or if relatively normal, tell him its over, quickly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
I know what you have done is extremely hard - my AH left in Nov last at my request and the decision was heartbreaking, but totally necessary at that point.
It took a long time for me to realise this and when I did, it meant I had to let him go...I cannot control him, his drinking or his actions and I cannot cure any of it either. This realisation was a double edge sword....as it made me hugely sad that I had to let him go but happy that I was free of the "merry-go-round" I called my life...
Hang in there - there are better times just around the corner for you
It took a long time for me to realise this and when I did, it meant I had to let him go...I cannot control him, his drinking or his actions and I cannot cure any of it either. This realisation was a double edge sword....as it made me hugely sad that I had to let him go but happy that I was free of the "merry-go-round" I called my life...
Hang in there - there are better times just around the corner for you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
