So proud of myself; so grateful to SR
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
So proud of myself; so grateful to SR
My computer crashed awhile back, I'm using my sons, but last night this thing wasnt' working either, so I couldn't run to the internet and get advice from you Wise Ones Here. Turns out I knew what to do anyway and can't thank SR enough for what I've learned here. 
So, this happened last night. AH is drunk as hell, I ask who set the pizza boxes on top of the garbage can in the kitchen, instead of throwing them in the recycling bin outside, because the kitchen garbage is now blocked and I can't throw anything away.
Of course this sends AH into an aggressive tantrum; he slams the screen door on his way outside with the boxes and it falls off it's track.
I recognized this right away. He's angry and drunk. Ordinarily this means we're in for a long night that usually ends in him roaring at me or following me around demanding answers or accusing me of not respecting him because he pays all the bills or whatever-but it ain't pretty.
I followed him outside, and shut the glass door behind me. What happened to the door? I asked, nice like, so I could get a look at him.
AH: Well it looks like it fell off didn't it?
I waited, looking at him. Yep, his eyes were crossing.
ME: Is there a problem?
AH: Yeah, there's a problem alright, why did you ask who put the pizza boxes on the garbage?
He's gearing up to tell me how ungrateful I am, or how I never do anything at all around the house. I see it coming and am not interested in his version of reality.
ME: Well, I (then I remember JADE, don't JUSTIFY, ARGUE, DEFEND OR EXPLAIN)
He's staring at me, glaring really.
Me: OK, here's the deal. You will not talk to me anymore tonight, AT ALL. You will not slam doors or be aggressive at all. That's my boundary. If you want to discuss the pizza boxes, we'll do it tomorrow, when you're sober. Got that?
We stare at each other for a moment.
I went inside. My heart was racing. If he tried anything at all, any crap, i was going to say, "My boundary is very clear, you'll be going to jail tonight if you don't respect it."
I kept busy in the kitchen and he stayed outside smoking for a long while, then came in and stayed away from me. Slept on the couch.
Now, he may have stayed outside long enough to simply forget wth he was so angry about, who knows. But I think he remembered our previous conversations. I've been very clear with him that I'm calling the police if he's ever drunk and aggressive with me again.
While I'm grateful I've learned how to assert my own boundary in this insane situation, I am soo eager to not live with him, also sickened by his backing down! He's a bully, an opportunistic bully. As long as I engage with him, give him arguments to counter and twist and throw back at me, as long as I take the bait, he has all the power. I give it to him.
I'm also quite sure of what he'll do today. He's so predictable. He'll scurry around like a child who has done something wrong.
Gross.
So, this happened last night. AH is drunk as hell, I ask who set the pizza boxes on top of the garbage can in the kitchen, instead of throwing them in the recycling bin outside, because the kitchen garbage is now blocked and I can't throw anything away.
Of course this sends AH into an aggressive tantrum; he slams the screen door on his way outside with the boxes and it falls off it's track.
I recognized this right away. He's angry and drunk. Ordinarily this means we're in for a long night that usually ends in him roaring at me or following me around demanding answers or accusing me of not respecting him because he pays all the bills or whatever-but it ain't pretty.
I followed him outside, and shut the glass door behind me. What happened to the door? I asked, nice like, so I could get a look at him.
AH: Well it looks like it fell off didn't it?
I waited, looking at him. Yep, his eyes were crossing.
ME: Is there a problem?
AH: Yeah, there's a problem alright, why did you ask who put the pizza boxes on the garbage?
He's gearing up to tell me how ungrateful I am, or how I never do anything at all around the house. I see it coming and am not interested in his version of reality.
ME: Well, I (then I remember JADE, don't JUSTIFY, ARGUE, DEFEND OR EXPLAIN)
He's staring at me, glaring really.
Me: OK, here's the deal. You will not talk to me anymore tonight, AT ALL. You will not slam doors or be aggressive at all. That's my boundary. If you want to discuss the pizza boxes, we'll do it tomorrow, when you're sober. Got that?
We stare at each other for a moment.
I went inside. My heart was racing. If he tried anything at all, any crap, i was going to say, "My boundary is very clear, you'll be going to jail tonight if you don't respect it."
I kept busy in the kitchen and he stayed outside smoking for a long while, then came in and stayed away from me. Slept on the couch.
Now, he may have stayed outside long enough to simply forget wth he was so angry about, who knows. But I think he remembered our previous conversations. I've been very clear with him that I'm calling the police if he's ever drunk and aggressive with me again.
While I'm grateful I've learned how to assert my own boundary in this insane situation, I am soo eager to not live with him, also sickened by his backing down! He's a bully, an opportunistic bully. As long as I engage with him, give him arguments to counter and twist and throw back at me, as long as I take the bait, he has all the power. I give it to him.
I'm also quite sure of what he'll do today. He's so predictable. He'll scurry around like a child who has done something wrong.
Gross.
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