jstar

How can I know what to do? I wish someone could just figure me out and tell me what to do. I'm so tired of going back & forth in my friggin head.

I've been just fighting the thought of really being an alcoholic for over 2 years now I guess. Periods of sobriety & tons of AA meetings. Since march I started back at meetings and got a good 45 days in before relapsing. Actually I have a hard time calling it a "relapse" as I don't know how really honest with myself i've been about quitting.

I love alcohol. Period. End of story. But when I drink it takes me to a different place. It numbs me out sometimes and it lifts my mood sometimes & its there, always without fails as long as I buy it.

I subbed as secretary tonight at one of my regular AA meetings. We always have a 15 minute speaker at the beginning of the meeting & tonight the woman that spoke, told my story. It hit me like a ton of bricks...she has to be around my age. She had it together, but she was like me, well, used to be like me. It really hit me...

I'm sorry...I think i'm totally rambling...I am so confused....

pinkdog

There are stages of readiness for quitting an addiction. It might be helpful for you to google it. Best thoughts and hugs to you.

jstar

Just google stages of readiness??

Thanks for the hug...needed that

Hooped

I find that amazing too at meetings a speaker starts talking and it might as well be me there talking. Im going back to AA havent been there in a while.

mecanix

I'm an alcoholic , i gave up fighting with myself when i was "sick and tired of being sick and tired " . I was in denial about it for years trying this idea and that .

In the end my gran died and i just used it as an excuse to go on a binge , thats how sick i'd become and i then knew what i was , it actually came as a great relief .

I hope you find the answer and can be honest with yourself , either way .

cebmatt

The only stated difference between hard drinkers and alcoholics is that Alcoholics cannot give it up entirely for a 'good reason' (the wife, girlfriends, the kids, job, health, etc.) and once drinking we are not sure how we will react (the allergy) we keep finding ourselves asking how we got here again because our mind tells us it will be different this time and our bodies don't react normally when we drink.

Here is a good quiz: ok, i can't post links, but google the alcoholic test+aa big book and look at the 6th result under website bigbooksponsorship and take that test...it should help by directly asking you questions.

Good Luck!

2granddaughters

jstar, what did your sponsor say when you asked her about where you are at?
What do the oldtimers recommend that you do?

All the best.

Bob R

instant

I hope you can find your way- the torment can end

Sapling

jstar....There is a solution...The solution is the steps....Why don't you ask that lady that told your story if she could take you through them....Maybe you were at that meeting for a reason.

katrinka

Are there unmanageable parts of your life that quitting drinking will solve?

SSIL75

IMO The truth is right there in your agonizing indecision, jstar.

A normal drinker simply doesn't fight this hard for the 'right " to get drunk.

tomsteve

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.