Acceptance
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Acceptance
Today, after a month of hell, I have finally reached a place of peace. And I got here through Acceptance. When the A first left, I relied on him to give me the reason why. But as the days passed, the reasons he gave kept changing. They hurt me to the core because they were all about me and us, and I believed them. But today, I recalled something he said that should have been a clue that the reason was not ME. He said he was afraid that he would never come back because he loved me and did not want to hurt me. And now I know, the "reasons" were all just blame.
Not realizing in the beginning that this was a relapse, and thinking instead that I was not worthy of his love, blaming myself, was just me buying into the A's sick way of thinking. But I've put it all together now and looking back I should have seen the signs of relapse coming. I would have been better able to understand what was happening and avoid the depression, anxiety, and self-hatred of the past month. No, I could not have prevented the relapse, and it's not my job to recognize it in order to prevent it, but it would have helped me take better care of myself when it did happen.
Do you hear that sound??? No??? Exactly! Because that is the sound of Serenity.
God bless you all. Please take care of yourselves as best you can today.
Not realizing in the beginning that this was a relapse, and thinking instead that I was not worthy of his love, blaming myself, was just me buying into the A's sick way of thinking. But I've put it all together now and looking back I should have seen the signs of relapse coming. I would have been better able to understand what was happening and avoid the depression, anxiety, and self-hatred of the past month. No, I could not have prevented the relapse, and it's not my job to recognize it in order to prevent it, but it would have helped me take better care of myself when it did happen.
Do you hear that sound??? No??? Exactly! Because that is the sound of Serenity.
God bless you all. Please take care of yourselves as best you can today.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Waking up is still the most difficult part of the day. As soon as I become conscious of my existence, reality hits me like a ton of bricks. It is not that I am alone, it is that he is gone. The dream is gone, and all of my happiness. I put too much into a dream. As I look back, I see he helped create a beautiful dream, but with words alone. And I ask myself why I again handed over control of my life to someone else. This time, I handed control of my life over to someone who was completely unequipped to take care of it. He can barely control his own.
Boundaries. I'm a woman with weak boundaries, who fell in love with a man with no boundaries. He came into my life and almost immediately invaded my house and took control over my life. I became paralyzed in my own home. I struggled to be heard but was silenced. I struggled to arrange my things where I needed them to be but they were moved and rearranged. I struggled to keep my daily routines but they were pre-empted and interrupted. I struggled to arrange some relationship and family activities but they were ignored.
I never realized until yesterday when someone posted about how they were an alcoholic and always tried to play God, that control is part of the disease of alcoholism, that the alcoholic does this. I always thought it was the partner of the alcoholic that played God. But now I understand and can see how that happened to me.
I leave things un-finished around the house lately. I've left some glasses on the counter, the vacuum cleaner in the living room, some laundry folded but not put away. Not because I'm lazy, and not because I'm depressed, but simply because I CAN. I don't have to worry that I will be judged because I have not done these things. I don't have to worry that I need to do them immediately, before he goes and does it. I can do whatever I want to do at my own pace and no one will control me.
Today I am free to be me.
Boundaries. I'm a woman with weak boundaries, who fell in love with a man with no boundaries. He came into my life and almost immediately invaded my house and took control over my life. I became paralyzed in my own home. I struggled to be heard but was silenced. I struggled to arrange my things where I needed them to be but they were moved and rearranged. I struggled to keep my daily routines but they were pre-empted and interrupted. I struggled to arrange some relationship and family activities but they were ignored.
I never realized until yesterday when someone posted about how they were an alcoholic and always tried to play God, that control is part of the disease of alcoholism, that the alcoholic does this. I always thought it was the partner of the alcoholic that played God. But now I understand and can see how that happened to me.
I leave things un-finished around the house lately. I've left some glasses on the counter, the vacuum cleaner in the living room, some laundry folded but not put away. Not because I'm lazy, and not because I'm depressed, but simply because I CAN. I don't have to worry that I will be judged because I have not done these things. I don't have to worry that I need to do them immediately, before he goes and does it. I can do whatever I want to do at my own pace and no one will control me.
Today I am free to be me.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Thanks for sharing, L2L. There are many here who will benefit from your words above.
You sound so much more grounded, good for you!
Acceptance is hard. I have struggled with it again recently. Accepting it is someone's right to experience their own reality. Think their own thoughts. Feel their own feelings. Especially when it doesn't even closely resemble my reality, thoughts, or feelings and it is being stuffed down my throat and is a threat to me. Being able to step back and say "No, this is yours, not mine." And being ok with it! Was another a-ha moment, that's for sure!
You sound so much more grounded, good for you!
Acceptance is hard. I have struggled with it again recently. Accepting it is someone's right to experience their own reality. Think their own thoughts. Feel their own feelings. Especially when it doesn't even closely resemble my reality, thoughts, or feelings and it is being stuffed down my throat and is a threat to me. Being able to step back and say "No, this is yours, not mine." And being ok with it! Was another a-ha moment, that's for sure!
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Thank you Tuffgirl for commenting. I am certain that he believes what he says is the reason he has left, even though the reason keeps changing. I have been busy with my own life, taking care of myself and my family the best I can, that I cannot keep tabs on someone else and what they are thinking all the time. With a partner, I have to be able to assume that we live in and operate in the same reality. It can be hard to see someone else's denial, especially if I am so occupied with my hurt feelings, devastation, tears, anxieties, fears, trying to find out what's going on, etc. I could not see the truth through all the excrutiating pain from believing that there is something wrong with ME, that it was because I and our relationship together was not worth him staying. Which makes no sense because I really have my life TOGETHER. There are so many great things about me, and great things about what our relationship was, that none of what he was saying made any sense. It's amazing to me that I fell in that trap after I have been through this so many times. I know, looking back, that it was my feelings of self-worth, and my wanting the future we had talked about and worked toward, and my feelings for who he used to be.
It is so sad when a person chooses drugs and alcohol over Love.
It is so sad when a person chooses drugs and alcohol over Love.
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When I first began to untangle myself from him, I realized I almost didn't exist anymore. I was living and breathing, but my entire existence was about him, his wants and needs, his opinions, his rules for the house etc. I later learned that's fairly common in abusive relationships. He controlled EVERYTHING. And I let him - I thought it was out of love and admiration, but I know today it was because of FEAR. Just fear.
And when I no longer lived in that environment, I "let myself go". I, too, was wild and crazy and left the occasional light on, dish by the sink, laundry undone and shoes on the floor JUST because I could. And it felt very liberating. It was part of my healing process. It took about 6 years before I quit hearing him in my head, berating me or one of the kids for not cleaning something right, or for washing the dishes the wrong way...
And today, thank HP and thanks to Al Anon and recovery, I know there is more than one way to do many things. I wash dishes one way and my BF washes them a different way. We don't argue about it, we just do the dishes together and enjoy our time together discussing our day. There's actually more than one way to get somewhere, too. We each take a different route to a half dozen places. Is one way right or wrong? NOPE, just different.
For me, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. I know that today because my marriage to my ex was NOT healthy. Mostly because I was not healthy. I can't speak for him and his issues, but I was not healthy.
It's such a wonderful thing, to be able to try new things, to grow and to learn how live our lives in a healthier place!
And when I no longer lived in that environment, I "let myself go". I, too, was wild and crazy and left the occasional light on, dish by the sink, laundry undone and shoes on the floor JUST because I could. And it felt very liberating. It was part of my healing process. It took about 6 years before I quit hearing him in my head, berating me or one of the kids for not cleaning something right, or for washing the dishes the wrong way...
And today, thank HP and thanks to Al Anon and recovery, I know there is more than one way to do many things. I wash dishes one way and my BF washes them a different way. We don't argue about it, we just do the dishes together and enjoy our time together discussing our day. There's actually more than one way to get somewhere, too. We each take a different route to a half dozen places. Is one way right or wrong? NOPE, just different.
For me, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. I know that today because my marriage to my ex was NOT healthy. Mostly because I was not healthy. I can't speak for him and his issues, but I was not healthy.
It's such a wonderful thing, to be able to try new things, to grow and to learn how live our lives in a healthier place!
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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I probably did not need to, but today I changed the locks on the garage and the shed. I hope to also change the front door lock too. It does not matter whether or not he comes back for the remainder of his stuff; that is not why I changed the locks. I changed the locks to give myself back control of my house and my life. No one can come here and enter and take anything without me knowing and approving. I think this constitutes putting a boundary in place. What do you think?
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I think this constitutes putting a boundary in place. What do you think?
I had told him that I would not see him or talk to him unless/until he saw the therapist at work and followed through on his suggestions. (This was at the suggestion of the therapist.) I knew that XABF would not respect that boundary, and so I changed the lock. Sure enough, the next day he attempted to enter the apartment, and discovering the door locked, left his manipulative Christmas present outside the door instead.
I was able to get my keys back later, when he was in rehab, but changing that deadbolt was a very important step for me.
That was the first time I had ever enforced something I said to him.
To thine own self be true.
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That was the first time I had ever enforced something I said to him.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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He doesn't have any boundaries - how could he possibly respect yours?
The trick is doing what Star Cat mentions above, enforcing what we say.
A friend of mine "let" her BF move in...she finally admitted that she really doesn't like to live alone and that is why she let it happen knowing at the time she didn't really want it to happen but didn't stand firm on her boundaries. I think sometimes we have subconscious ulterior motives at play without being openly aware of them. I am learning now to recognize my own. What an eye opener!
The trick is doing what Star Cat mentions above, enforcing what we say.
A friend of mine "let" her BF move in...she finally admitted that she really doesn't like to live alone and that is why she let it happen knowing at the time she didn't really want it to happen but didn't stand firm on her boundaries. I think sometimes we have subconscious ulterior motives at play without being openly aware of them. I am learning now to recognize my own. What an eye opener!
To thine own self be true.
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Well I wish my subconscious would tell my conscious what the hell it is! Because it's not because I don't like living alone; I LOVE living alone. But you're right, he doesn't have any boundaries AT ALL. He OWNS the world and the world revolves around HIM, ALL the time.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Well I wish my subconscious would tell my conscious what the hell it is! Because it's not because I don't like living alone; I LOVE living alone. But you're right, he doesn't have any boundaries AT ALL. He OWNS the world and the world revolves around HIM, ALL the time.
Within two weeks of my moving into a new apartment XABF decided that he lived there, too... Except that he never changed his address over, or his mail, or the majority of his personal belongings. In other words, we spent every evening at his mother's house going through his mail before finally I was permitted to go home (because by that point I wasn't allowed to drive, either).
I wasn't "allowed" to decorate the apartment, drive my car, choose the time I would arrive at and leave from work. He decreed how I was to spend my time (waiting on HIM), and still constantly complained about how much he did for me and how little I did for him. His idea of "helping" involved sitting at the dining room table reading the paper while handing me things to put away. When he did things around the apartment I had to be there to hold up his pants so they didn't fall off, since it's uncomfortable to tighten a belt around a beer (whiskey, rather) gut. When he ran errands I had to accompany him.
I finally came to the conclusion he wasn't really looking for a partner.
He wanted a live-in happy-ending maid who paid him for the privilege of waiting on him hand and foot.
It still took awhile to map my way out, get up the courage, convince myself it was okay...
Nobody has my deadbolt key to my apartment now, even if I give someone else my keys to watch the cats, I just leave the deadbolt unlocked while I'm gone.
That deadbolt isn't to keep people out when I'm away, it's so I feel safe when I'm home.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Well I wish my subconscious would tell my conscious what the hell it is! Because it's not because I don't like living alone; I LOVE living alone. But you're right, he doesn't have any boundaries AT ALL. He OWNS the world and the world revolves around HIM, ALL the time.
Sometimes I wish I could be that self centered and out-of-touch. To just trot merrily along in life stepping on everyone else and never noticing. But something tells me folks like this notice...they know. They just don't know...
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Join Date: May 2012
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Oh, L2L, we have so much to learn about boundaries. We will do it together! I did the same thing....thought it was too soon to move in, but hindsight being 20/20, of course, I realize now I was just appeasing him, thinking that he only drank because he was insecure about my being serious enough about him to live together. oMG, hello?! I rescued him from staying at his Mom's house!! So please don't feel like a fool, or that makes me one too. Lol. But I understand, been feeling very foolish myself tonight. I think I, too, am mourning that evaporated dream, and that's why I felt empty when the jail phone calls stopped. Ironically, as I was typing this, he called from his own phone and left a vm that his mom bailed him out, that he "swerved to miss a dog" last night, and that he wants to see me tonight. Yeah, the same guy that tried to throw an air compressor box at me last night. Now I realize HE'S the fool!!
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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How is it I'm surrounded by guys who have their lives together but I'm attracted to the one who is a mess? I had my life together. Now I've fallen apart because of this. I can't even get angry about it.
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