RoundII

After being together for 18 yrs now, and trying to cope with the AW's relapse, I found out she was having an online affair. Since her laptop is currently on the fritz, she has been using another computer, and went to work with her Facebook page open and logged in. On the bottom was a chat window of a man I didn't know.
Much to my surprise, when I opened the chat it was full of sexually explicit talk between them apparently roleplaying. Without going into detail, I found she has been doing this for several months, along with video chat, and wrote of meeting in the future (old highschool friend living in different states)
I WAS DEVASTATED!!!! My jaw literally dropped to the floor. We have been through so much together. I was totally blindsided to say the least.
I confronted her when she came home, and as soon as I aked her who "john" was, she confessed and seemingly was very remorseful and said they never actually met or had sex together. I tried to be as calm as I could and asked lots of questions, which she answerd. She appeared truthful and sad that she had hurt me, and of course full of promises. She promised she would "unfreind" him and work on us, but I haven't aked her (yet) to see if she is still chatting with him or not.
We will see if she is resistant to my asking to see her current FB page and chat log.

I am just so devastated, I am not sure where to turn. I am embarrassed to talk to friends about it, and haven't been to an alanon meeting in a few weeks. We discussed counseling, which she agreed to. I tried to get her to talk about her relpase and current drinking to see if she thought they were related, but she will never open up to me about the drinking.
I had been going to alanon meetings for a few months, but not really "working" the steps, and no sponsor. I thought I was doing well detatching from her issues, but I cannot detatch from this.
All my trust is gone, and now everytime she is on the phone or computer I obsess over what she is or isn't doing. I haven't slept hardly at all for a few days now, and feel I need to do SOMETHING fast to stop my head from reeling. There aren't any meetings until Sunday

wicked

Oh, roundII, I am so sorry for your pain.
when I first discovered my ex's affair, I felt like I had been kicked by a mule in the chest.
She relapsed and then started the affair. You know, that doesn't matter.
My ex's gf would get face down drunk with him. And I was newly sober.

If there aren't any meetings can you call your group or any group to find a temporary sponsor for now? Just for someone to talk to about this betrayal of trust.
You must work the program you wish she would work.
Take care of yourself, roundII. I understand how much this hurts.

:ghug3

Beth

Chris1000101

RoundII, my ex had an affair, it is devastating to say the least. I do not see myself in a relationship anytime soon but that is one thing I will not tolerate. I would not waste my time talking about it I would kick her out right there. Change the locks, call the bank and utility companies and make sure what is mine is in my name only.

dandylion

It has been my experience that most therapists will not attempt couples therapy if there is active addiction going. It is almost universally considered a deal-breaker as, among other things, the inability of the addict to be honest and the manipulation. Individual therapy with separate therapists is the usual alternative (well gounded in alcoholism, of course).
A good therapist for yourself could be invaluable, right now. Do not rely on any promises from an active alcoholic not in a recovery program unless you have the desire for even more heartbreak. Remember to watch the actions and not the lips.
I think anvilhead and wicked have given you some solid advice. Time to reach out to alanon, therapist and any other help you can get for yourself. I gurantee that you are suffering more now than she is over this---she has anesthesia to help her.
In support, dandylion.

Learn2Live

They do such $hitty things to us and we forgive and forgive. Through all the pain and destruction and devastation, we continue to forgive and beg for more pain, all so that we don't have to feel abandoned or alone. I've been in denial, trying to make it work, scrambling for fixes, with someone who doesn't care if it works, and put no effort towards making it work, even though what we HAD was beautiful and full of promise. The man I fell in love with is DEAD and replaced by someone else. An ugly, cold, inconsiderate, hurtful person who cannot maintain a healthy, loving relationship.

All I can tell you, RoundII, is do the very best you can do to take the very best care of YOU as you possibly can.

RoundII

Thank you all for the input. I have found a meeting nearby I can attend tonight! I hope at least that will give me some serenity. The serenity prayer is not enough for me today.
I am certainly not trying to fix her. We (I) discussed getting a counselor or going to meetings yesterday. Yesterday I thought I could handle this- today I reseve the right to change my mind. We will have another talk this afternoon, and if I do not see that she has ended this relationship, or refuses to show me- That is a dealbreaker.
If I do not see she is back in a recovery program- That is a dealbreaker.

I know that I can only work on me, but I need her to work on her as well if there is any hope for the future.
I hope for the best, but am prepared for the worst. All I know is I can not and will not continue down the same path when I know it is full of pain.
Thanks

Peter G

Thought I'd pop in and offer you an experienced perspective, RoundII. I've been where you are, almost verbatim. Only it wasn't facebook it was text messaging on the iPhone. She was so caught up in the affair that she didn't bother to delete her past conversations and I discovered 2 months worth through sheer accident.

I was also told they had never met F2F, but found out later they had, and were carrying on an affair for months. Let me qualify this by mentioning that I was just 2 days sober when I found this out, and thankfully, by the grace of my Higher Power, I didn't drink over it.

Be very careful taking at face value what has been admitted to you, because a cheater will always construct methods of hiding their indiscretions and covering their a$$es, even in the face of initial discovery. My Mom used to say, when you catch a spider in your house, there's usually 10 or so more lurking around somewhere. That is MOST DEFINITELY my experience with my wife's cheating. I'm truly sorry to say that there is a very good chance you don't know the whole story, and it's possible you never will, minus traveling to some pretty depraved and expensive lengths (PI surveillance, spyware, mobile key-loggers, e.t.c...).

Added, a cheater is one thing, but a cheater and an addict is a double whammy. Cleverly augmenting and adjusting reality to suit our sick purposes is standard operating procedure.

It's time now for you to stop being concerned with her at all, and fix yourself. Bail. FAST. Hit the panic button. QUICKLY. It might hurt beyond belief to look at a life without her, but unless you are prepared to continue down this path of potentially progressive sheer agony, it might be your only recourse. Anvilhead's post is 100% absolutely spot on... if you continue allowing these ever increasing boundary violations it becomes your issue and not hers. She will do what she always does, it's up to you to say what you will and will not stand for. You need to gather up all the courage necessary to stop this COLD.

Quite simply, she doesn't deserve options now. You do. I read you saying things like "if she doesn't go back to rehab/recovery it's a dealbreaker..." Meh. The dealbreaker was the "online" affair. Added, when I read those things I remember how I said similar things, as I also tried to rationalize it all and offer the situation the benefit of doubt. Nothing I did to try and influence the outcome helped. Not 1 single bit.

Sorry, really, and I truly understand what exquisite pain this all is for you right now, but IMO she needs to feel the weight and gravity behind her destructive behavior. Even if you are forced to leave her permanently, there's a good chance that in the long run, your action will have helped her more than staying would. That's just MHO, but it is an opinion based on experience.

My advice is the same advice given to me then. Enough is enough. Give up. Walk away. You can't beat a dead horse back to life, and you can't un-explode a bomb. Try as you might, the damage is done.

Take back your self esteem and your inherent right as a human being to be treated fairly and with respect, before time, rationalizing, and other persistent circumstances bury this incident under the weight of daily living. You deserve better than to be treated like that. Sick or not, she's committed an egregious offense against you. Don't stand for it mate.

m1k3

I used to feel that way also until I discovered I can have a great future without her. I have learned that I don't need anyone to make me complete and I am enough just as I am.

My future is now mine and it is looking good.

A saying that helped me a lot when I was in a similar position. Pain instructs or it brings more pain.

Your friend,

AlwaysGrowing

Round. Been there. Funny thing is after I caught my 1st wife in her affair she started another then told everyone I was crazy when I found out. She was denying the second to everyone. Like everyone has said. To me it was time to call it quits. It take TWO WORKING not one. The divorce was the hardest thing I had been through in years but now,, a second marriage with a normal Godly woman who knows how to treat her husband it so AWESOME...

There is life and normal relationships. I made decisions in my 1st marriage that put it at risk, and after time and her addiction... Well it played out the worst possible way to end a marriage.
Get out, set boundaries for yourself and define what you can accept and will not accept. Move on. It's going to suck for a period of time, but even more so staying in as you will come to this same point again. There is no escape but embrace it now while you still have the strength.
Praying for you!
AG

LifeRecovery

I found that his addiction and his affair both made me feel similar....crazy.

I started Al-Anon after I found out about the affair....though I had been made aware of it before. It saved my butt from both, especially learning about detachment. I also did a lot of reading about affairs, addiction, etc. It helped me to understand why I felt nuts when those around me were acting out.

Therapy (as always) was amazing for me. We tried couples counseling, but I am pretty sure I am the only one who got anything out of it.

Learning about the stages of grief was also really helpful to me. I went through all of them (except acceptance), and am going through them again except denial. I also decided that I did not need to decide the fate of the relationship right away. It gave me time to watch his behavior....and honestly more was revealed and the decision was made for me.

Compartmentalization and cover up are common with both affairs and drinking. Hope for the best, but anticipate that you are not getting the full story.

Be gentle with your feelings and emotions....this is not an easy time but will be worse if you start beating yourself up.

wicked

I felt this was written so well, I wanted to repeat it. Thank you PeterG.

Beth

RoundII

Thanks Life recovery and thank you all for your input. Of course the cold hard truths you are giving me are difficult to digest, but I respect your opinions. This is a first for me and many of you have already been down the same path of pain.

I am biding my time until we finally get to see a marriage counselor who specializes in alcohol and sex addictions, Unfortunately she is off this week for the holidays, but an appointment is just around the bend. I am going to Alanon, and getting my affairs in order, as I suspect what you say is true about not knowing the full depths of deception.

We have had many discussions about this, and I am trying to retain some sanity until we see this counselor. I try to think positive to get me through the day, but fully realize and understand that the end of this relationship may be near as I slowly get over the shock and come to terms with reality.

Cyranoak

...it's good information, it applies directly to you and your situation, but are you capable of keeping an open mind about it and using it to make good decisions? It sure doesn't seem like it but I'd like nothing more than to be wrong about this.

I've seen your response below 1,000 times from 1,000 other people. There's only two things that can help you. The first is to learn from your past which you clearly have not done. The second is to start attending Alanon at least twice a week.

Or, enjoy the rest of your life just as it is today. That's what I used to do until I began learning from my experience and that of others, opened my mind and admitted "my way" wasn't working, and started regularly attending Alanon (again with an open mind).

My life's damn good now after eleven years of hell. Not perfect, but damn good. And I don't ever check for bottles, secret online relationships, or anything else. I don't need to, and I don't feel the need to, because she and I both know if I lose trust for her we divorce again, but this time permanently.

Cyranoak

mmk11

Round, what is she DOING to make the relationship work? Actions matter. It's taken me months to pay attention to AH's actions (or more appropriately his inaction) in regards to working on our marriage with me and to disregard his words.

L2L, I feel your pain so much. So many things you describe fits me to a T. I'm very grateful to you for sharing.

jessiec

Hate that you are hurting -- it's hard enough dealing with addiction and the trust issues stemming from that. Adultery (and I believe that is anything improper you have to sneak around doing and wouldn't want your spouse knowing) is another matter entirely. As others have advised, definitely take care of you and get the support you need.