womaninprogress

I'm in the middle of reading "Women who love too much". Man, it really makes me feel like all the progress I thought I was making was b.s. I'm more confused now then ever. I hope the book goes into detail of how to fix me. lol

And I hate feeling that way. Like I need fixed. I've been TRYING to FIX me my whole life.......I'm very discouraged today. I THOUGHT in my 40 years I had made leaps and bounds undoing the damage that was done to me as a child, but now reading this book, I just feel more lost then ever. It covers things that I never really thought of in the way they explain it.

What does a healthy relationship look like? EVERY move I make and every thought I have I disect, wondering if it's "codie" or normal? I'm loosing it.

For example: My "A" worked hard yesterday in the hot sun. He was setting on the couch and said something cold to drink would be good. I got up and got him a water........I THOUGHT I was just being thoughtful, or nice and I spent the rest of the evening dissecting it. I'm TRYING to be mindful and not be "mothering". But how do I know if I'm just being a nice loving person or a codie doing things I shouldn't be doing? I think I think too much. It's exhausting.

REALLY wish I could afford a shrink.

Edit to add: A while back I posted something and someone said I seemed "codie". And honestly I was taken aback by the observation because I "thought" I was doing so well. But a passage in the book made me see what the poster saw. It just really hit me that what I THOUGHT was healty was just codie from a different angle. It's really got me upset.

Florence

I've read a lot on codependency, but can't say that a lot of it perfectly reflects me and my experience. At the same time, I know now that my relationships are clearly codependent. I never, for example, called my husband's boss to lie and say he wouldn't be in because he's sick, an example that always seemed to be thrown around. Nothing like that.

How would I describe it?

It was always FINDING myself in relationships and friendships I wasn't totally sure I wanted. Smiling, coping, and apologizing when I should have been drawing boundaries and telling other people NO. Feeling trapped and like I wasn't able to make choices to find the key to my cell and let myself out of the cage. Feeling so trapped that I wasn't able to even SEE the cage, and doing whatever was necessary to make life in the invisible cage, with my overbearing parents, my alcoholic husband, my insane ex, and two innocent children, livable. Feeling overly compliant and totally responsible for everyone else's feelings at the same time.

If you're able to start seeing it, the codependency is in all of your relationships, not just the one with him. It's not about getting him a glass of water or not. It's about our inability to comfortably leave the relationship well past the point of total insanity.

Summerpeach

What I learned from another brave Al Anoner a few weeks ago in my meeting was to try and not always "fix" yourself and just allow yourself to be.
We spend so much time trying to change, fix and discover who we are, we get lost in the search.
Let the search go for a while and just take the path of least resistance. It helps clear the head for the next round of "discovery"

MsPINKAcres

what I learned about me is that I'm a compassionate caring person ~

I enjoy doing things for others ~ but to keep myself in check ~ I ask myself. . .

can I do this for another person and NOT have feelings of resentment, regret and anger? am I doing this out of love or obligation?
do I do this action because I need the kudos (thanks) or can I do it & it never be acknowledged?

If I'm ok, then I can do things for the people I love ~ if I do things for others with expectations ~ then maybe my codie side is rearing it's ugly head and I need to back off a little ~

Just what I use as a checks & balance for myself to try to keep me healthy ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

DefofLov

You should join our codependency thread in the Newcomers Daily Support section. We have a lot of awesome discussion about this stuff there.

Here is the link: Codependency and Beyond

Fathom

(((hugs)))
I heard a while ago at an AlAnon meeting that "Codependents are the nicest people in the world." I think that is so true. And, maybe, most of the time that's not a bad thing. Getting a glass of water for someone is a generous, kind, and hospitable act. I think our nice behavior only becomes a problem when we insist on continuing to be nice to unhealthy people who are toxic in our lives and unable to reciprocate.

Examine your motives for being nice to him. Are you reciprocating nice behavior? Are you taking care of him because you think he is unable to take care of himself (<-- This was a biggy for me)? Are you manipulating his choices for him (give him some cold water before he can choose another cold drink I don't approve of)? Or are you hoping he will be nice to you even though it often backfires or your kindness is ignored? BTW I have answered yes to all of these questions at different moments.

Anyway, I agree with previous posters' comments that you should give yourself more time to process all of these new thoughts. Don't get too caught up in examining every little act of kindness in your life. My guess is that you have a lot of those! And, probably, most will be healthy normal reactions that make you feel good about who you are and what you stand for. But, do observe your own behavior with those people in your life who are unhealthy. Keeping a journal might be helpful for seeing the pattern of your behaviors and motivations. Once you know that pattern, then you can work on changing it. But, give yourself some time and be patient with yourself. I know how confusing things are when everything you thought you understood about yourself and your partner suddenly seems - well, not just incorrect, but wrong!

(((more hugs!)))
Fathom

Tuffgirl

All good questions to ask, WIP. All all good responses here!

Being self aware doesn't mean having to pick apart our every move. It just means being aware of what we are doing and what is motivating us. I agree with Florence that it can be as easy as recognizing we are in a place we don't want to be because someone else told us this is how we should be or this is what we should want. Notice the "should's". If I am "should-ing" myself about something, or someone else is doing it to me, to me that feels codependent.

womaninprogress

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I realized lastnight that I was resentful when I do some of the little "nicieties" for him. I also realized that it's not reciprocated much, but mainly because I don't ASK for anyting (more childhood leftovers) . I think alot of the reason I am resentful is for so long I've taken ownership of his responsibilities, made sure he had clean clothes for work, packed his lunch, got coffee ready, waited on him. And it just hit me that me taking on his responsibilities just makes me feel MORE bogged down. He never asked me to do these things, I just took it all because that's what my childhood trained me to do. And by piling his responsibilities on my own shoulders made me not very fun anymore. I'm practicing now. When he fell asleep unshowered, in work clothes, without alarm set or coffee made. I went to bed and didn't think twice about it, I suggested he should shower & set alarm before he fell asleep, and that was the end of it. Before I would have fought to wake his big ass up, I would have set his alarm, made sure coffee was ready ect.....

It kind of hit me when I was talking to my teenage daughter about her "boy" troubles and I told her "you can not be mad or resentful to Joe for YOU doing something you CHOSE to do, without his asking" I need to start practicing my own advise.

And I also need to step back and just let it be for awhile. Quit analyzing and trying to fix and just BE.

Thank you all so much. I do feel alot better now. And I will check out the thread in newbies. THANKS :~)

Learn2Live

Whenever I am in a bad state and trying to help myself by reading materials I think are going to help me, if what I'm reading actually hurts me, makes me more confused, makes me think I have made no progress at all, and makes me think I need to fix myself, I get rid of the book. Sometimes, I pick the book back up a year or two later and it happens to be the right time for me to get the message it was written to deliver me. It's all about timing. This may just be not the right time for this for you. If it's hurting you or causing you this much angst, you're not ready for it.

I completely understand this feeling. I also have been trying to "fix" myself my whole life. Have always been working on me because the pain of life and relating with others is so great. But guess what? We don't NEED fixed. We are perfectly imperfect human beings.

Put down the book. Stick with something more simple. Google "interdependent relationship" and you will get some good ideas of what a healthy relationship looks like, versus what a codependent relationship looks like. joy2me has a good page on this.

I think you're overanalyzing your self. I understand, I do it too, and I beat myself up all the time, take the blame for everything. Black and white thinking. You can get a person a glass of water out of love and kindness, it's OK. What isn't OK is when you sacrifice yourself, stop what YOU are doing, and make yourself crazy trying to accommodate and care for someone else who can very easily get his own glass of water. Perhaps it was just a way for you to thank him for doing hard work for the family. It's OK.

Check your county health department for low-cost counseling. There is also pastoral counseling and therapists who bill on a sliding scale.

The way I look at it is this: Codependency is not a personal characteristic. It is a choice of action. RELATIONSHIPS are codependent, you as a person are not innately, biologically, or physiologically codependent. It is a choice to which you gravitate. It is an unhealthy way of relating. You can develop new habits, new ways of thinking, and new ways of relating that gravitate toward interdependence. It's hard work but it can be done. I don't think it can be done, though, if you choose to be in a relationship with a person who wishes to remain codependent. The "Co-" in codependence means there are TWO people involved. It's not just you. It's the relationship. You can choose healthy instead but it's a slow process.

LuvMySis

This is a very interesting and helpful thread. I will also check out the Codependency thread that was linked.

I have a question regarding the above quote. Is there another way to end the last sentence? For example, as it pertains to my young adult daughter. I don't want to "leave the relationship", so how can I better handle the little everyday things I might do without being overly compliant and feel totally responsible for her feelings? She isn't an addict, but as Florence said, I act like this is all of my relationships.

I'm not sure I'm making much sense. I hope someone understands what I'm asking.

m1k3

What I have been working on is acceptance. I do some deep breathing while sitting or laying in bed and just say acceptance over and over in my head. It seems to open up communications between different levels of myself even if it doesn't generate any specific thoughts. As I have become more accepting of myself I find myself being more accepting of others as well.

Doesn't mean I'm not going to work on improving myself but now I have a different attitude about it. From now on change is an evolution not a revolution and will take as long as it takes and I'm fine with that.

So, take it easy on yourself and allow yourself time to grow into the you you want to be.

Your friend,

wicked

You know, I was just thinking this about my young adult daughter.
In a way, you do have to leave the relationship (I was thinking) from child and Mommy to
young adult and Mom.
I think I understand what you are asking.
I have a son who is 21 living with me, and I am struggling. He has bipolar, he dropped out of school, just stopped going and came here. He is not looking for a job, nor doing anything to further his life. I am just lost.
And just went way off topic. Sorry, womaninprogress.
:ghug3

womaninprogress

Learn2Live.....I think you hit the nail on the head with the CO in co-dependant. I was previously with my X husband who was not an alkie or addict for 14 years, and there was no co-dependancy there. I have to say with my current RABF for 3 years he was in active alcoholism, and I just reverted to the patterns from my family of origin and dealing with their alcoholism as a child. Which threw me for a loop I guess because I thought I had worked all that stuff out long ago. But I guess the alkie in him brought out the codie in me.

Learn2Live

Exactly. I have had two (count 'em, TWO!) boyfriends who never learned that sick way of relating, and are not alcoholics or addicts. Can you believe each of them can drink ONE BEER and then stop??? LOL. Of course, they had their own issues (and I still had A LOT of my own) but they did not lean toward codependency AT ALL. I tell ya', it was difficult for me because I think I was trying to implement codependent patterns and their not participating in that was just not something I was used to.

womaninprogress

Thank you all so much. I'm comforted by you all "giving me permission to take a break from me". And I'm glad some of us still have a sense of humor (although twisted as it may be) to help get us through.

LuvMySis

Womaninprogress, I struggle with this, too. But, I don't ask myself if everything I do is codependent, I just KNOW it is. Or if it's not codependent, it's some other type of screwed up. I've successfully detached from my family of origin, I think, thanks to this forum. But I'm still on an out-of-control codependent enabling roller coaster in every other relationship. I wish I could come up with just one idea a day to get myself off the roller coaster. If it hadn't been for this forum, I would have completely lost my mind by now. You all are so much help. And, I'm sorry if I hijacked your thread.

Anon12

Ouch! I recognise this as my motive for something I did last week for my XABF. I'm getting better in that I don't just 'do' I think first what are my motives but I still did this one, mainly because it made me feel better. Not great.

womaninprogress

Love my sis, I feel for you. One of the first things I learned, that I have to remind myself of constantly is .......Progress not Perfection.

It's probably the control freak codie in me that wants to be all better NOW! I want to have all the answers, and have it all figured out NOW! I have to remind myself that growth comes from the journey, not the destination. My higher power will only give me what I can handle.

I like what Learn2Live said earlier, if you find yourself so upset from something you're reading or trying to learn, maybe it's just not the right time for you to learn it.

I think I'll finish the book Women who love too much, let it absorb and perhaps go back to it later. I honestly do have too much on my plate right now to try to figure me out. lol.

LuvMySis

Yeah, womaninprogress. And I like this one, too:

It's so comforting to know there are people who get it and are willing to share with those of us who don't yet. This forum is so helpful.

LifeRecovery

I look at life as skill building.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the details (like if getting a glass of water is being co-dependent) that I get in my own way of the big things that I really am being blatantly co-dependent about such as working all sorts of extra hours off the clock because somehow I am deficient (which is not true).

On the other hand sometimes those smaller pieces are safer to start with.

I appreciate this thread in general, but also the idea that it is more than one person in these relationships. I am coming to realize that though I am FAR from perfect (and "normal"). In many instances my biggest mistake is not how I do things in relationship with others, but that I choose to get into and stay in relationship with people who are not capable of the hard work that goes into relationships, being in touch with their needs, etc.

Even if I do my stuff reasonably well, the person on the other end may or may not react well. It is my codie behavior when I take a bad reaction on as my fault though and try to "fix" myself.