wasyas

It's probably been over a year since I have posted, but this is the only place I knew I could get some real feedback (confirmation). My AH has been drug free since January, and that is his only accomplishment..............

He has been clean since January but still has days that he gets down and depressed and doesn't do anything at all he won't even let the dog out to go to the bathroom.

Over the last year he has not provided anything for our family with any sort of regularity... one day he would clean the kitchen a week later he would mow the yard, maybe he would mop the floor and load he dishwasher, nothing consistent at all for longer than a few days. He has asked to watch our daughter but then the next morning when it comes to it, he doesn't wake up and pretends to still be asleep, so i take her with me, and when I get home he gets upset about me not letting him watch her that day and not waking him up. Or he will ask if i can drop him off to do job application on a saturday morning and them doesn't get up until i am about to leave, and gets mad if i don't wait for him to get dressed (so its my fault he doesn't have a job)

Anywho

Three years of a terrible marriage supporting (sometimes codependent) on him and his recovery, raising a now wonderful two year old nearly by myself with a room mate of a husband I have decided that once our house goes to foreclosure , I am moving out and not taking him with me. In march i told him my rules that if we lost our home I was done with him, that he could get it together, get a job and help me keep it or once we were kicked out I was done. Well march was the first time I have ever not paid one of my bills and he knew that, so the time has come that I am ready to leave him. I new he had stopped taking the pills and wanted to give it one last chance to make it work, I wasn't perfect I wasn't at his service this entire time supportive and understanding and easy to talk to , actually I was down right a b*tch a lot of the time, but decided to take care of me, and if he wanted to jump on board and help take care of our daughter I was open to it........he hasn't it's just now that we have a foreclosure date that he wants to try and find a job.

bottom line am i ok to just say too little too late and move on.

dandylion

With alcoholics/addicts promises are a dime a dozen and it is very easy for us to be manipulated by such. You will have to weigh it in your mind (as you are obviously doing anyway) and decide what the wisest thing to do in your current circumstance.

At this point, even if he gets a job---will you even be able to save the house?

Also, without a program of recovery (AA, working the steps, sponser), even good intentions and early actions are subject to relapse.

Focus on ACTIONS not the words.

On support, dandylion

wicked

Since it seems your entire marriage has been about his addiction, I would say it is too little too late. Acting like a teenager about getting a job at this late stage is still addict behavior.
Finally, if you are ready to go, it is time to go.
:ghug3
Beth

wasyas

Thanks wicked, I'm not exactly sure why I think I needed someone else to tell me "too little too late" but I felt like I needed it.

headstrong

I wouldn't say that losing the house by itself is reason for divorce. Though, the other behaviors combined might be. Assuming he has all the time in the world to help out around the house, but chooses not to, I can understand your frustration. Only you can decide for sure.

It may be too late to save the house even if he did get a job. Hopefully you have banked those funds so you can have a nice nest egg if/when you do break free.

I would also say be prepared for the worst and hope for the best if/when you do move out. It may be the wake-up call that he needs. Perhaps January wasn't rock bottom after all. It also may push him into the F-It mode and start drinking again. Do think of yourself and your DDs needs first. You can't control or predict what he might do. Speaking from experience, losing my family was the rock bottom that I needed to wake up and be a good father. I may never get my family back, but I now know that my daughter needs me and I need her.

wasyas

no the house going is not the reason for wanting a divorce. it was just the deadline that I set. I made it very clear that when the house was gone he wasn't coming with me, unless things were a complete 180 and he had something to contribute. It really does shake out to the other behaviors combined. I guess it was my way of giving him one more chance (for the 1,000th time) plus if I left him with the house he would trash it, he had flat out told me that.

Carol Star

What are his actions showing you? I did divorce and am doing fine 5 yrs. later but it was hard. Boundaries are good. My therapist helped me come up with some and the XAH did not respect them. His actions were telling me; he is irresponsible, immature, selfish, lazy, oh and he did not get clean and sober. He is getting ready to lose the house we had.