Notices

Lost In South Georgia (sorry this is so long)

Old 06-26-2012, 05:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Lost In South Georgia (sorry this is so long)

I hope I don't overdo my intro, but I'm desperately in need of help in every way imaginable. I've completely lost my way in my life with Jesus because I chose to turn to liquor instead. I imagine everyone has their own interpretation of it, but in my life I've reached "rock bottom". So, of course, here I am now because I know there's only one way out, through God. I don't even know if this is appropriate here, but I feel so compelled to openly confess my sins and ask for help.

As a teenager I went from being raised Catholic to getting involved with the Baptist church, which was when I was saved. Each summer I would go to church camp and get "on fire" for Jesus. In fact, one year I was even selected as camper of the year. I wish I wouldn't have let that fire go out, but eventually I did.

After high school I enlisted in the Army and spent 7 years at various bases. Ultimately, I decided to get out because I had married someone I dated in high school. She already had a son with cerebral palsy, so I didn't want to take the chance on being deployed and leaving him behind. We also had a son together. By the time we were 25 we were making more than enough money, had a new house, new cars, and all the things of this world that would be considered good, especially being that young. We were married for 5 years when we got divorced after she had an affair. Granted, I wasn't the greatest husband ever. Though, this is when my downward spiral began.

The same week we separated, my Mom died unexpectedly following a knee surgery. So, since my dad & I both found ourselves alone, I decided to move to South Georgia to be with him.

At this point I was in my late 20's, and rarely ever drank. Really, it would be years between having a couple drinks. Though, when I moved here I got involved in the local music scene as a promoter/manager, and in turn started drinking regularly when I would go out to bars several times a week for shows. I was a happy drunk and was like Norm on the show Cheers because everyone would yell my name when I arrived. It was fun, but I see now how destructive it became.

Luckily one good thing came out of my time in the bars. Other than being saved, I'd say it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I met the love of my life in December 2007. I wish I could post her name, because even just seeing her very unique & beautiful name on the screen makes my heart skip a beat, even after all this time. But, out of respect for her privacy, I'll refrain.

She is genuinely the nicest, most loving & giving person I've ever met. Plus, even though she faced a lot of hard times on her own, she is undoubtedly the best Mommy ever to her 7 year old daughter. Her daughter, which in my heart is our daughter, must be an angel on earth. Like her mother, she is so good to others, never acts out, I mean she is just everything you could ever hope for in a happy & healthy daughter. For me, having the two of them in my life has been the greatest blessing I've ever had.

After about a year and a half of dating off & on, I ended up moving in with her. A few months before that I had professed my love for her the first time. I never thought, after my divorce, that I would ever be in a relationship again, let alone fall in love. Even though I was happy in general, I didn't realize how cold and jaded my heart had become over the years. But, I'm telling you, if you know her you can't help but love her. She is the most beautiful woman, inside & out, every way imaginable. Unfortunately, falling in love with her also brought out the emotions of my hardened heart when I drank. She bore the brunt of it in countless ways, some of which I'm ashamed to admit I don't completely remember because I was so drunk.

During our years together she dealt with so much because of my drinking. I would project my anger about my ex-wife on her, even though there was absolutely no reason to. I was convinced she was going to end up cheating on me, even though when I was sober I knew that was just crazy. I would get violent by yelling, hitting walls, calling her vile names that disgusts me to think I would ever talk to her that way. I convinced her, several times, to have sex with other men and women in my presence. I ruined her friendships. I hurt her because she is so giving to others and because of me she basically couldn't have a social life any more. She supported me financially, but I would waste the money she worked hard for on alcohol. I've ruined her self-image and confidence. The list literally goes on and on. But, the worst thing is I inadvertently kept her away from church. For no good reason, we just never went.

I have to admit I'm sitting here crying so hard trying to type this because I really can't believe all I've done to hurt her. A woman that loves me unconditionally and I know in my heart that I truly love. When I'm sober things are so phenomenal in every way between us, so I just can't even fathom how I could become so evil towards her. Even though I don't understand it, I do know the evil came from the devil and through the alcohol. I HAVE TO STOP THAT NOW!

About a year ago she finally had enough one night when I was drunk, calling her names, accusing her of things, and so on. She left our house to go stay with a friend and the intention was for her to get her own place. Instantly I stopped drinking for the most part, with only a few small slip ups. Over the next month our love drew us back together until she came home. Things were great, until I started drinking again, a couple weeks later. Fast forward to last month. I was right back to where I was before with the drinking and treating her horribly. We decided it was time for her to get her own place. Again, we were both devastated. I’m telling you, our love is something special. After a couple weeks of being apart we were back to spending a lot of time together, and even a few nights in each others arms. It was so real and so loving. Just like it could and should always be for us. I can’t believe how much she still loves me. One thing that really struck me as amazing is that, even after all I’ve done wrong, she still has confidence in me. How could that even be? On top of that, things had started to go good for me personally. I got involved with a Christian based charity, and other opportunities have been presented to me. I quit drinking like I had been, having practically nothing to drink compared to the way I was before. That is, until last week.

Earlier in the week, I had given her the option (more like ultimatum) to either continue on the path of us making our lives better while having the goal of getting back together, or if she wanted the opportunity to date other people than we would have to stop sharing our intimacy and our couple like loving ways. We spent Thursday night together, but by that point I decided that we should refrain from intimacy until she made her decision. I didn’t go to bed with her, but we did end up cuddling on the couch. I can still feel her resting her head on my chest, her heart beating, and the touch of her hands in mine. I just stared at her. Her eyes were closed and her cute little cheeks clearly showed that she was smiling inside & out. It was something so simple being there with her, but at the same time one of the most meaningful moments of my life.

Friday night, barely 24 hours later, was completely different. I knew that she was going out of town, going to the beach, and would be getting a hotel room with a new friend so that they could stay in that town to go out to the clubs. On a side note, I’m guilty of over analyzing things, no matter what it’s related to. I managed to convince myself that this was going to be the perfect opportunity for her to find herself with another man. Again, even though I knew in my heart that she wouldn’t. She hadn’t even given me her answer to my ultimatum. But, in sheer stupidity (especially following such a wonderful night with her) I came up with the idea to make her decision for her. Naturally I feel guilty for all I’ve done and I’m very hard on myself about it, so I feel like I don’t even deserve her words, let alone her love. So, instead of just telling her that it’s okay to move on in hopes that she would come back to me, I did the single most stupid, hurtful, wrong, devastating action in my whole life. Worse yet, I even persuaded myself to believe it was for her good. I got drunk and late in the evening I started calling and texting her. Leaving her hurtful voice mails, telling her I hate her, degrading her motherhood, and just saying things that are completely untrue which I know she knows I don’t even believe in the first place. Even though she told me, out of frustration I’m sure, that she would go ahead and move on I continued to antagonize the situation. She quit replying to me, but I kept on going. All this, and if I had half a brain I would've just let things continue the way they were, because it was going beyond perfect. More than I could ever hope for or dream of.

God knows I’ve never been so ashamed of myself. If anything I don’t hate her, but I hate myself for what I’ve done to her. I can’t wrap my head around what I’ve done, and now I’m completely lost because I know I’ve really lost her. Yet, as a testament to her giving & loving nature, she actually wrote to me the very next day and laid out her true feelings. I don't know why she would even talk to me at all anymore. Though it hurt to read her letter, I know it hurt so much because it only shows how much I’ve hurt her, which devastates me to think I’ve caused her any pain. I’m glad though, because it shows the progress she is making in re-building her confidence and self-worth. Previously, she walked on egg shells with me in her actions and words. I’m thankful she was able to open up to me. Though, she is convinced I’ll continue drinking. I don’t want her to be right.

In my heart I know the answer to all my problems, it’s not rocket science, I just need to give up my life to Jesus and seek his will. I’ve been praying a lot and I think my main problem is that I’ve been focusing on the wrong relationship. Instead of worrying about her, I need to get my life right with God. Naturally I hope His will includes bringing her back into my life when the time is right. I want to marry her and have more children with her, but in the same token first I want to be worthy of her love, and Gods.

Right now I’m living in our house, which is now basically empty. That’s okay with me because material things don’t even remotely matter to me compared to all that’s happened and what has true meaning to me. I’m without a vehicle, but luckily I have a friend that owns a business and is having me help him periodically so I can stay afloat. Aside from that I’m a webmaster and hopefully will find work I can do from home. Though, in the grand scheme of things, I have a lot more to concern myself with. Which is why I’m here now.

I need support in every way imaginable to get this right. I’m willing to share my e-mail address or phone number if anyone wants to talk, can provide me support/guidance, wants to pray, or anything else you can offer because right now I really am just lost.

Even if you don’t reach out to me, please pray for her and our little girl. Pray for their well being and that her heart will heal from the pain I’ve inflicted. I’ve prayed for forgiveness from Jesus and I hope that eventually she’ll forgive me too, even if we don’t end up back together. Hurting her has been the worst thing I’ve ever done.

Thank you,
Micheal
Micheal75 is offline  
Old 06-26-2012, 06:05 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,329
Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you found us. There's no question that we hurt people when we are consumed with addiction. It's really hard to accept what we've done, seek forgiveness and move on. But that's what we need to do. I hope you decide to live a sober life.
Anna is online now  
Old 06-26-2012, 06:12 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,044
Welcome to SR Michael

I'm sorry for your pain and sorrow...but the good news is you can climb out of the hole you've dug back into the sun - many of us have done it

Coming here is a great first step - glad you've joined us

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 06-26-2012, 06:13 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Michael)) - Welcome to SR! I hurt a lot of people when I was using, can't undo it but recovery has helped a lot.

Hugs and prayers from a mid-georgia friend,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 06-26-2012, 06:22 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Crazy Cat Lady
 
DisplacedGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
It seems like when you start to get into trouble is when you start to project your fears and negative emotions onto her. Then you seem to get wrapped into your negative thoughts and when you start drinking it gets worse and since she was where you were projecting your fears and anxiety at first, when you start drinking she becomes the focus of all your negative emotions and it becomes easy for you to pull her apart and tear her down because you're angry with yourself but too blind drunk to look inside. Forgive me if i'm wrong because i don't mean to over analyze you (especially with me not even knowing you well) but with what i've read in your post, that' what i see.

Have you considered AA? You seem like someone who would really benefit from working the steps with a sponsor. They're really helping me. They strengthen your relationship with yourself, your Higher Power and your fellow man. I tried to do it alone, i tried rehab but it wasn't until AA that i found my program and fellowship and my personal path to sobriety.
DisplacedGRITS is offline  
Old 06-26-2012, 06:49 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
wow, i'm really surprised at and appreciate the quick responses!

anna: i have decided to live a sober life. i simply can't go on anymore the way i was.

dee: thank you! i know i can do it, i just need help and i believe this is a great place for me to be, especially in my situation.

impurrfect: thank you! i'm in south georgia. i realize i can't undo what i've done, but i can keep myself from doing it ever again, which is one of my personal goals.

grits: you're exactly right. i'm just so torn up about what i've done to her. i'm sickened at the thought of how i treated her when all she did was love me so much. i have gone to one meeting, and actually am in an online meeting as i type this, because i don't have a car. but i'm going to reach out to people to see if i can find a ride with others to get to meetings.
Micheal75 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:57 PM.